Sex Life: How I Went From Straight To Bi To Gay

January 18, 2020

Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.


The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 33-year-old gay man, who started out dating only women until he was 20. Then he dated men and women until he was 27. Now, he exclusively dates men.

What was your first sexual experience?

I was 14 going on 15. We had a househelp in her 20s, and she came on to me. It initially started off as just playing around, but then she began to touch me. I remember being afraid to feel what I was feeling, but I knew I liked it. 

From touching me, she began to dry hump me. Then she eventually started giving me head, and that’s how I had my first-ever orgasm. After that, we moved on to penetrative sex. This lasted for about a year.

Damn. How did it end?

My mum eventually found out. Turns out she was sleeping with pretty much everyone — me, my brothers, the driver and a cousin who was living with us. So, understandably, my mum sent her home.

How did that experience affect you?

To be honest, I don’t consider it to be a traumatic event. It wasn’t until I became an adult that I began to process the fact that I didn’t and couldn’t consent to it, so it was technically sexual assault. But I didn’t see it like that when it was happening. 

I don’t even harbour any animosity towards her. I just never saw it as something that was taken from me. I know how victims of sexual assault typically react, but I didn’t have that reaction. Even now, while I agree it was terrible, it’s not something that weighs on me. 

So, when did you have consensual sex for the first time?

After that experience, there were a couple of girls in my neighbourhood, but we mostly just made out. I was 17 the first time I consented to penetrative sex. It was with a girl I met at a party. I was a bit nervous, but it felt good. 

As odd as this might sound, it still wasn’t as good as sex with the househelp. She was always a bit adventurous — willing to try many different things — but the one I met at the party just lay there and left me to do all the work.

So, what’s your sex life like now?

Well, I’m 33 now and I’ve finally realised that I’m a gay man. I’ve gone through the motions, transitioning from identifying as heterosexual to identifying as bisexual to finally coming into my own as a homosexual. 

Currently, I’m not having a lot of sex, and it’s not for lack of opportunities. I just think I peaked in my mid-20s, so I’m chilling right now. I’m also seeing someone, which is cool. And let’s not forget Lagos traffic, which always gets in the way of sex. 

Woah. That’s a journey. When did you first realise you were into guys?

To be honest, it’s always been there. When I was growing up, I was fascinated by boys, but I didn’t understand what it was. When I was in primary school, there was a really cute boy that I was drawn to. 

One day, I gave him my sandwich and he gave it to a girl in our class. I was devastated. In retrospect, I realise that it was because I had a crush on him that I was so pained. I also remember watching a Delta soap ad and honing in on a really cute light-skinned guy in it. 

When was the first time you explored this attraction?

I went to a cybercafe when I was 21, and I was browsing through a Yahoo chat room. Then I discovered a ‘Men’s Lounge’, and out of curiosity, I joined. After a while, someone asked if there was anyone in his city, which just happened to be where I was.

My heart immediately started racing, because I instinctively knew what was happening. So, I responded to him, we moved to a private chat and made plans to meet up. I was so nervous that I bailed on him like six times. 

Anyway, we finally met and had sex. Honestly, it was like I was seeing the world clearly for the first time. It felt so good that I cried. We kept hooking up for a while, but he eventually moved to another country. After that, I continued hooking up with other men.

Were you still hooking up with women at this point?

Yeah. Actively. When I was in uni I had a couple of girlfriends, but they would always complain that I never had enough time for them. It was tough. At one point, I had two girlfriends and a boyfriend, and they were all very serious relationships.

Did any of your girlfriends know that you swung both ways?

I can’t say for certain, but I think one of them did. The thing is, I kind of got outed by a classmate. She borrowed my phone to text her brother, and she ended up going through some of my risky messages.

She didn’t waste time spreading the gist around her hostel. Eventually, it got to my girlfriend and she confronted me about it. I obviously denied it, but even though she never brought it up again, I don’t think she fully believed me.

So, what happened with all these relationships?

They lasted for a while, and I’m still not sure how I pulled that off. Anyway, as time passed, I started getting disinterested in being with women. So, when I got invited to one of my ex-girlfriends’ traditional wedding, I ended up sleeping with the groom and her brother. 

WHAT? HOW?

Well, when I got to her village, I first spotted her brother. Gay people tend to recognise each other, and that’s what happened in our case. When I settled, he brought me food and we started talking. 

After we got a bit more comfortable, he invited me to his room. I already knew where it was heading, and I went along with it. Immediately I got to his room, he closed the door and started kissing me. So, we had sex and it was great.

What about the groom?

The day before the wedding, there was a little party. The groom was dancing and his outfit ripped. I had a small sewing kit with me, so I offered to help him fix it. That’s how we started talking.

That night, he started texting me and asked me to come over to his hotel. I told him that I didn’t know my way around, so he sent his driver to come and get me — a move I thought was really wild for someone who was getting married the next day.

Woah. Did your ex know?

Nah. She never found out. After the wedding, the groom reached out on Facebook. He still wanted to keep in touch, but I felt really guilty. I mean, they are still together, so I guess it all worked out. He probably found other guys to hook up with on the low. 

I actually have no words. Did you actually enjoy sleeping with women?

Very much. I really enjoy both, but for different reasons. A woman having an orgasm is completely different from a man having one. With men, it’s a bit restrained, but with women, it’s like an unleashing. 

For me, I feel better and more accomplished when I’m able to make a woman come. It’s almost way too easy to make a man orgasm. So, yeah, I really enjoyed it, and in some ways, I still enjoy it. 

But you no longer identify as bisexual?

Yeah. I mean, a lot of my friends still think I’m bisexual. For example, I don’t like watching gay porn. I prefer straight porn. But I don’t think that matters. No one else gets to decide my identity for me. I’ve said I’m a gay man, and everyone will just have to deal. 

So, you haven’t slept with a woman since?

Well, since I turned 27, I’ve only dated men, but there have been a few slip-ups. I tend to occasionally hook up with women when I’m on holiday abroad, but ordinarily, I think that ship has sailed. 

Was there a particular moment that made you decide to stop seeing women?

Over the years, I began noticing I was getting less interested in women, but, yeah, there was a moment that pushed me over the edge. I was seeing a guy at the time, and he tried to convince me to marry his sister so we could be in each others’ lives without suspicion.

I was so unbelievably repulsed by the idea. That’s when I realised I didn’t want to be one of those guys that marries a woman and is still sneaking around with men. So, I just began to detach from women altogether.

That makes sense. So, after all these experiences, what’s your opinion of sex?

As surprising as this may sound after everything I’ve said, I’m actually pretty conservative about sex — blame catholic guilt. I believe that sex is private and should just be between two people. For example, I’ve never been in an orgy or had a threesome, and I never will. 

Also, I feel like for me (and a lot of people my age), there’s this ‘been there, done that’ mentality. So, sex is no longer something that gets me super excited. I mean, I still love it, but it’s not the most important thing when I’m talking to a guy. 

How do you typically meet guys?

When I was younger, it was all about the apps. Eventually, a lot of these apps became the ghetto. They were filled with a lot of garbage men.

There were also security concerns. The apps were getting infiltrated by the police. I’ve actually lost count of the number of times I’ve had to go bail a friend who got set up by the police on one of these apps. So, I don’t use them, except when I’m abroad.

Now, I mostly meet men organically. I have an amazing network of friends, and we host really fun dinner parties and game nights. Social media is also a really great tool for meeting men, especially Instagram and Twitter (with a burner account, of course).

How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Based on frequency, I’d give it a 5. I’m not having sex as much, but I’m not complaining. Life happens. I’m busy and the person I’m seeing is very busy too, so we don’t get to see each other very often.

Based on quality, however, I’d give it a 9.5. When I do have sex, it’s usually really amazing. At this stage of my life, I know exactly what works for me; I completely understand my body. So, yeah, I’m in a really good place right now. 


Check back every Saturday by 12pm for new stories in the Sex Life series. Catch up on older stories here.

NerdEfiko

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

August 16, 2020

When chatting with a Nigerian there’s a 99.9% chance that they will throw one of these routine annoying questions at you. 1. “Where do you base?” When I am not a naval officer? Please swerve. 2. Asking “How far?” right after asking “How are you?”. Is there a difference in both questions that I am […]

February 16, 2020

Honestly, height shaming should be a thing. Because of a slight advancement in height, a lot of people want to say something to short people about their height. And to be honest, short people don’t want to hear it anymore. 1. “Hi malt bottle.” You referred to your fellow human as a bottle and you […]

Watch

Now on Zikoko

April 10, 2021

With almost two years of being in existence, Sex Life has grown while staying true to its goal of exploring the sex lives of Nigerians. In the last one year and five months since Sex Life was created, we’ve spoken to about eighty Nigerians who are at different places in their lives, with different orintentations, […]

prayer house
April 10, 2021

As told to Mariam I travelled to Ilorin for an exam last week and on the bus, I rode in, I met Yoma*. Somehow the conversation of faith came up, and she told me she didn’t subscribe to the Christianity practised in churches. When I asked why, this is what she told me: I grew […]

April 9, 2021

You’re at a job interview, answering all the questions and feeling yourself when the one person that hasn’t spoken throughout the meeting suddenly asks, “Why should we hire you?” If you’ve ever been in this situation and you didn’t know what to say, we’re sorry we didn’t write this earlier. Here are some of the […]

April 9, 2021

If you have ever considered getting into spoken word poetry and you did not know how to go about it, we are here for you. Just remember us when you blow. 1) Use burial music There is no spoken word performance without proper burial music. You might try to switch it up and use church […]

Recommended Quizzes

November 11, 2019

Everyone has something to say about what kind of person they are. But how well do we truthfully evaluate these things? Not that much, I can assure you. The average person is always lying to themselves to make sure they look good. But you know what and who doesn’t lie? Zikoko quizzes that’s what. Take […]

how much of an ajebutter
February 12, 2020

Are you an ajebutter or not? Well, if you’ve gone through life blissfully unaware of its harshness, then you probably are. Now, we want to know just how high you rank on that ajebutter scale, using your food preferences as a (very accurate) measure. Take to find out:

how tall are you
March 11, 2020

Did your parents give you enough beans when you were growing up? If they did, then you’re probably around 6’0″ and above. Either way, we created a quiz that can guess your current height (pretty accurately, if we do say so ourselves). Take to see if we nailed it:

March 24, 2020

While we know that a lot of the best Nigerian artists deservedly have fans across generations, that won’t stop us from attempting to guess how old you are based on your taste in Nigerian music. So, take this quiz to see if we got it right:

November 14, 2019

The fourth season of Big Brother Naija came to an end over a month ago, but the conversation surrounding the housemates is far from over. So, in a bid to keep the fire burning, we decided to create a quiz that tells you which famous member of the ‘Pepper Dem’ gang is your soulmate. Take […]

November 7, 2019

These days, everyone is always talking about how much sex they’re getting, or how little sex they’re getting, or how disgusting sex is etc. There’s just so much talk about sex, it’s almost impossible to know who’s lying and who’s telling the truth. In anticipation of our new series about the sex lives of young […]

More from Inside Life

April 10, 2021

With almost two years of being in existence, Sex Life has grown while staying true to its goal of exploring the sex lives of Nigerians. In the last one year and five months since Sex Life was created, we’ve spoken to about eighty Nigerians who are at different places in their lives, with different orintentations, […]

April 9, 2021

You’re at a job interview, answering all the questions and feeling yourself when the one person that hasn’t spoken throughout the meeting suddenly asks, “Why should we hire you?” If you’ve ever been in this situation and you didn’t know what to say, we’re sorry we didn’t write this earlier. Here are some of the […]

April 9, 2021

If you have ever considered getting into spoken word poetry and you did not know how to go about it, we are here for you. Just remember us when you blow. 1) Use burial music There is no spoken word performance without proper burial music. You might try to switch it up and use church […]

April 9, 2021

Burner accounts are all the rave. Almost everyone has one but what is the appeal of a burner twitter account? Why are they so popular? We decided to ask a few Nigerians who own burner accounts why they own one and the answers are absolutely fascinating. Chukwuemeka, 23.Having a burner is scary because I know […]

7 Skills Conductors Have That Everyone Needs
April 8, 2021

Honestly, the don’t teach people how to be a conductor in school because you’d be unstoppable, a potential super villan and you might even unlock hidden parts of your brain. We decided to share this knowledge because you deserve. 1. Ridiculous parkour skills You know how conductors hop on and off buses at anytime? Imagine […]

April 8, 2021

The talking stage is the period of getting to know someone with the hope of it becoming serious. If you’ve been in one too many talking stages, and you’ve had enough, then this article is for you. Here are a few tips on how to escape the talking stage.  1.Tell them straight up that you […]

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X