How To Properly Deal With A Rat Infestation

August 7, 2019

Hello, fellow human. 👋

Is your house currently overrun with rats? Are you unable to keep food in your cupboards for fear of rats getting to it? Are you terrified of leaving your fingers and feet exposed at night because rats will chew on them while you sleep? Do you watch in horror as the adult cat-sized rats in your house climb walls and ceilings like fucking mutant monstrosities?

If yes, I’m so sorry. Your house must be an alternate universe’s version of the apartment in the movie Joe’s Apartment, and sis/bruh, you should really consider moving.

That being said, if you’ve chosen to fight back and reclaim your house, here are ways you can do that.

1) Set traps.

As bait, use foods they can’t possibly resist, like fish or human flesh. Don’t bother using cheese because Nigerian rats don’t roll like that. This is not a Tom & Jerry episode. Feel free to experiment with a bear trap if you have a mutant rat problem.

2) Set one of those rat glue boards.

For when you can handle the blood and gore that comes with regular rat traps. Place food in the middle and any rat that tries getting to it will get stuck as soon as they get on the board.

3) Set poisoned food.

Again, use foods that smell good. Stuff that’ll be difficult to resist. You can scatter the poisoned food in small bits around the areas you know they hang out (lol) or you can make it look like leftovers by putting it in a plate. (Some rats like the challenge and taboo of eating human leftovers.)

4) Place poisoned food on a rat trap and put that rat trap in the middle of a glue board.

Think of this like the “two condoms at a time” theory. One of them is bound to work.

5) When you catch one rat, throw it in the microwave.

Cook that nigga like you’re defrosting a chicken. Make it seem like a scene out of a Saw movie. Put on some super depressing music (opera, maybe) to really set the mood.

6) At the brink of death, retrieve the rat from the microwave and place it in front of an air conditioner. When it starts to relax, plunge a butter knife into its chest.

Butter knife, because the goal here is to impale it, not slice it in half.

7) Hang the rat (butter knife still in its chest) in a public place. This will act as a warning to other rats to stay away.

Only then will you be free. You’re welcome.

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