infestation | Zikoko!

We’ve all been there.

You turn on a light in the middle of the night and spot a cockroach on the wall. You get up slowly so it doesn’t know you’re coming and grab your weapon of choice. After positioning yourself, you go in for the kill.

But you miss.

Before you can put yourself together to strike again, you notice the cockroach running (or worse, FLYING) towards a corner of your room that you know if it reaches, there’s no hope of getting it. You sprint across the room as fast as you can, knocking down everything in your path.

But you’re too late.

You watch in horror as the little bugger vanishes into the corner. You’ve lost. You can’t possibly go back to sleep now because you KNOW it’s just waiting for the perfect time to strike (i.e crawl in your mouth and poop). You can’t prove that roaches are that smart and evil but you’re not exactly concerned with rationality at the moment.

This is what you do when such a thing happens.

1) Freak the fuck out.

Who’s going to help you? You live alone. And even if you didn’t, do you really want to become known as the boy who cried cockroach? No, you don’t. You’re alone in this world. And that’s super depressing, which means that you’re allowed at least a 3-minute freak out sesh.

2) Wreck your entire house looking for it.

Even in other rooms. Those things are sneaky as hell and might’ve scurried into another room while you were distracted. (Probably during your freak out sesh.)

3) If you don’t find it (because cockroaches are descendants of Houdini), calm yourself.

Have a nice cup of tea or half a bottle of Chelsea dry gin. Nice big gulps. Anything you know can calm your nerves. You know what has to be done. You’re scared and that’s fine. But you knew this day would come. Be brave.

4) Douse your entire house with petrol and set it on fire.

Shhhh. Trust me.

5) Smoke a cigarette and watch it all burn.

Are you now homeless AND on the run from the police because you’re wanted for arson and the murder of all the people in your building who didn’t get out in time? Yes. But you can take solace in the fact that that creepy little bastard couldn’t possibly have survived.

Feeling like a discount John Conner from Terminator 3 (because of the ecstasy that comes with victory), you begin your life as a drifter.
Hello, fellow human. 👋

Is your house currently overrun with rats? Are you unable to keep food in your cupboards for fear of rats getting to it? Are you terrified of leaving your fingers and feet exposed at night because rats will chew on them while you sleep? Do you watch in horror as the adult cat-sized rats in your house climb walls and ceilings like fucking mutant monstrosities?

If yes, I’m so sorry. Your house must be an alternate universe’s version of the apartment in the movie Joe’s Apartment, and sis/bruh, you should really consider moving.

That being said, if you’ve chosen to fight back and reclaim your house, here are ways you can do that.

1) Set traps.

As bait, use foods they can’t possibly resist, like fish or human flesh. Don’t bother using cheese because Nigerian rats don’t roll like that. This is not a Tom & Jerry episode. Feel free to experiment with a bear trap if you have a mutant rat problem.

2) Set one of those rat glue boards.

For when you can handle the blood and gore that comes with regular rat traps. Place food in the middle and any rat that tries getting to it will get stuck as soon as they get on the board.

3) Set poisoned food.

Again, use foods that smell good. Stuff that’ll be difficult to resist. You can scatter the poisoned food in small bits around the areas you know they hang out (lol) or you can make it look like leftovers by putting it in a plate. (Some rats like the challenge and taboo of eating human leftovers.)

4) Place poisoned food on a rat trap and put that rat trap in the middle of a glue board.

Think of this like the “two condoms at a time” theory. One of them is bound to work.

5) When you catch one rat, throw it in the microwave.

Cook that nigga like you’re defrosting a chicken. Make it seem like a scene out of a Saw movie. Put on some super depressing music (opera, maybe) to really set the mood.

6) At the brink of death, retrieve the rat from the microwave and place it in front of an air conditioner. When it starts to relax, plunge a butter knife into its chest.

Butter knife, because the goal here is to impale it, not slice it in half.

7) Hang the rat (butter knife still in its chest) in a public place. This will act as a warning to other rats to stay away.

Only then will you be free. You’re welcome.