Africa’s biggest football competition is back. And like the few Africans who actually know about it, we’re super excited. Yes, the time has come to watch players you never knew existed navigate insane tackles and shoddy officiating on the most barren football fields you’ve ever seen, while people on TwitterNG fight the rest of the continent by calling their Jollof rice garbage.
The fact that Nigeria hasn’t won AFCON since 2013 is stressing us and our homegirls, so we’ve decided to come up with a foolproof plan for the Super Eagles to lift the trophy one more time.
Please don’t share this with people from other African countries.
First of all, we have to confuse the opposition.
The number one way to confuse people is with our appearance. Imagine if our boys step out tomorrow to play against Egypt with their heads shaved like monks. Imagine the fear and confusion that’ll go through Mo Salah’s veins as he tries to figure out what the fuck is happening.
If baldness is too much, we should at least try out some of these hairstyles.
If you think we’re lying, ask yourself, why Taribo West completely dominated football the entire time he had this hairstyle.
Next, we have to follow this guy’s advice.
In competitions like the World Cup, Euros, Champions League, and La Liga, you have to eat light before matches so you don’t get easily tired. But in AFRICA? When the sun is beating you as if you stole something? You want to eat two pieces of fish and one tangerine because you’re avoiding carbs? Carbs wey you suppose dey chop like say tomorrow no dey? Okay o. Enjoy.
This is how our boys need to eat before each match
If that one doesn’t work, seduction will.
There is no need for long shorts in football matches. Our boys need to do the needful and wear extremely short shorts so as to confuse their opponents with sexy thighs. Learn from the world’s second-best, Cristiano Ronaldo.
If we’re still losing, then we need to do what India did to us that year.
Jazz. 99-1. You’ve not heard of it? We need to consult our gods so that whenever we kick the ball, it’s lion, fire, or stone our opponents will see. Isn’t that how India beat us 99-1? Please, please. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
By any means necessary, we must win this AFCON. Up Super Eagles!