You had the audacity to smoke weed in the house in which your Nigerian parents live, thinking you won’t be caught. Oh, what a fool. You don’t even know the Jamaican loud you’re smoking is smelling all over the entire house. Before you’re halfway done, your mother barges into your room.
Mother: “Chukwudi! What am I smelling? What is this you’re doing?”
She pounces on you and the half blunt you’re holding and gives you several slaps all over your body. She runs out to call your father while you try to get up from the floor. Your own don finish today.
After tears from your mother and shouts from your father, you’re now in the living room, where your parents have called a family meeting on top your head. In this meeting, you have:
-A distant uncle who likes to collect money from your father
-An aunty who only comes over for food
-Your father’s brother who aired you after you sent him your CV
-Your mother’s amebo friend who has no business being there
Your siblings are also peeking from a corner.
Your parents are looking at you like this:
You’re seated in the middle, which you hate so much because all eyes are on you, making it hard to hide that you’re high as fuck. Your father starts pacing back and forth…
Father: I can’t believe you, Chukwudi. You’re smoking marijuana? In my house, for that matter. How can you bring such shame to this family like this? Who taught you?
Mother *with tears in her eyes*: Where did we go wrong, ehn, Chukwudi? What did we do to deserve this?
You have the urge to list everywhere they went wrong as parents. The weed is trying to push you to talk, but you hold yourself back. You won’t let the devil win.
Father: After everything we’ve done for you, you want to throw your life away. You’re giving yourself to drugs. What else are you taking? Cocaine? Heroin? Codeine? Answer me, my friend!
You: Daddy, I’m not taking any other thing *You mumble*.
Foodie aunty: You might as well take cocaine now. What’s the difference? I’m so disappointed in you, Chukwudi.
You’re getting irritated. Who does this one think she is to be disappointed? The urge to talk is getting stronger.
Foodie aunty: You should know better than this, Chukwudi. I—
Before you can stop yourself…
You: Did you know better when you put laxatives in your husband’s food to make him shit for three days. All because you didn’t want him to hang out with his friends. Please, dear.
Everybody’s mouth is open in shock. Foodie aunty is wondering where you got this information from. Your father’s brother is holding himself from bursting out in laughter.
Foodie aunty: How can you say such a thing? Who told you this rubbish?
You: Aunty Dorcas, abeg I—
Father: Come on will you shut up your dirty mouth there! Idiot!
You: Daddy, don’t insult me, please.
Father: Or what will happen?
You: I’ll tell mummy about how your Oha soup allergy is a lie. You just don’t like her own because she doesn’t cook it well. And that you go to Mama Apunanwu’s eatery every Wednesday and Friday to eat it.
You: Mummy, whenever he tells you he’s working late, he’s at her restaurant, eating Oha soup and pounded yam with plenty of goat meat.
Father’s brother: Chukwudi, that’s enough! We’re here to discuss how you’ve decided to throw your life away by doing drugs. You have a good job and a family that loves you. Why are you doing this? It’s those friends you have, abi?
Mother’s amebo friend: It can’t be all his friends. My daughter is his friend, and I don’t know why he isn’t choosing to follow in her footsteps. Instead, he’s following the bad ones.
You: Are you talking about the daughter who’s my weed supplier? The one who puts weed in all sorts of foods? LMAO. What do you think her food business is all about? Why do you think it’s called “HIGHly Delicious”? She’s using food to get people high, let me just tell you.
Mother’s amebo friend: You’re a liar!
You: Okay now. Stay there.
Father: Chukwudi, you’re becoming a nuisance. What’s wrong with you this boy?
You: Why is everyone making it seem like I’m the only “bad” one here? *points at the uncle he hasn’t seen in a long time* Uncle Mike’s child does yahoo and isn’t even successful at it. Uncle Mike is aware and even tries to help him scam people.
*PointS to mother’s amebo friend* Aunty and her husband used their children’s school fees to go to Dubai and form fake life with their friends. That’s why Chimezie has yet to enter uni; not because he’s waiting for his Canadian student visa like they’re telling everybody.
*Points to mother* Mummy was fired from her job three months ago because she used her oga’s toilet and clogged it with her poo. Every morning, she goes to Aunty Lola’s house to hide, then comes back when everybody has gone out. She leaves the house again at 6 p.m. and returns at 8, pretending she’s coming back from work tired.
Everyone looks stunned.
You: Everybody has the one they’re doing, but it’s me you want to attack. Biko, leave me alone.
*Stands up and walks out of the family meeting*