Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.
Have you ever needed cutlery but couldn’t find them? If you pay enough attention, this is when you realise something is not right. Spoons reducing in number, Forks vanishing, and Knives, well, doing their thing.
Today on Interview With, we sat with the trio and asked them to tell us the truth.
Zikoko: Hello to the triplets! We are so glad to have you with us.
Spoon: Thank you.
Fork: Hmm.
Knife: [Says nothing].
Before we proceed, I just want to say that a lot of the questions might be directed to Spoon, because he’s the one who is always reported missing…
Spoon: Haha. I guess it’s time to hear my side of the story.
Fork: That’s fine by me.
Knife: [Says nothing].
Erm, sorry oh, but is Knife always this quiet?
Spoon: Knife, they are talking to you.
Fork: LMAO, who is quiet? Certainly not Knife. [Taps Knife] Don’t be shy, they are nice people.
Knife: What do you want me to say?
No, I’m just saying that you have been quiet since we started…
Knife: Again, what do you want me to say? I am often considered the least useful of us three. Do you know what that does to my self-esteem? People give my siblings work to do, and I am just there for show. Many people don’t even use me, except they are in a fancy restaurant and want to appear tush. They prefer their teeth. If they do a fancy decoration with cutlery, I am given a very little spot to showcase myself.
Do you imagine how it feels to be considered invisible? Even when we came here, you directed your questions at Spoon and you are asking me why—
No oh, I just said let me make some things clear before we go furth—
Knife: Then make it clear that Nigerians are actively trying to erase me!
Spoon: Knife, reduce your voice. We are in public.
Knife: And if I don’t?
Fork: Knife, please. Let the interviewer talk. Everybody will answer their own question when it’s time.
Yes, yes. And I am sorry for trying to erase you. I didn’t know you were going through a lot.
Knife: [Says nothing]
Fork: [Sighs]
Spoon: Please continue.
Okay, so tell me, are you people triplets?
Spoon: Actually, no. But we have been together for so long and have experienced a lot of things together, so you might as well call us that.
Fork: Spoon is the first. That’s why he does a lot more work. Me I came next because of spaghetti, yam, and other foods that might be a bit difficult for Spoon to handle. And then we have Knife.
Spoon, what’s a day in your life like?
Spoon: Dawn to dusk, I’m hustling oh. I don’t have sleeping hours or waking hours. Any time food is ready like this, I know it’s time to work. Even when food is not ready, I am still working as part of the preparation.
Oh, and the annoying thing about eating in a Nigerian household is that food is not a 9-5. They will say ehn, breakfast is 7 oh. But as early as 6 a.m., someone is using me to steal milk, or using me to drink garri before food is ready.
How do you feel about this?
Spoon: I actually hate it. Not just the fact that they are using me to steal, but that I am being subjected to morning breath that early. Like, bros, this your mouth dey smell oh. You cannot use that mouth to kiss your babe unless you brush, but you can chook me inside. Did I offend you?
Asides that, it looks like some people are cursed with midnight food.
Talk to me directly, stop going through the corners.
Spoon: You said?
No, I said you should continue.
Spoon: Those people who eat in the midnight need to sit down with their creator and ask for an upgrade in their operating system oh. Why have you chosen to make a poor spoon suffer? I have had a long day and I am trying to rest, but you are waking me up and using me to scoop rice inside your mouth. Combination of hot food and bad breath. Abeg nau.
Fork: You didn’t mention the pot thing.
What pot thing?
Spoon: Oho! Why do Nigerians use me to scrape the burnt bottom of pot? This is another part of my life that I don’t like. I am made for food, not for scraping the bottom of the pot. Use an iron sponge for that or soak the pot!
But will Nigerians hear? Never. They don’t care about my purpose. They even use me to eat swallow. Swallow oh. So you don’t want to stain your hands with oil, but it’s me that should enter it for you?
Fork: The swallow thing will never stop pissing me off. You mean, you woke me up to come and cut amala and put inside your mouth? How wicked can you be?
Spoon: Honestly, when you think about these things, it is enough reason to make a person want to escape.
Ah, I see. So you usually run because of the workload…
Fork: Who will not run? We are all seeking a better life, just like you people are running to Canada. If we cannot apply for a visa because we are cutlery, we can at least create our own greener pasture away from your sight.
Spoon: Abi.
When did you first conceive the idea to escape?
Spoon: It was one day after I did all the work, woke up the next morning and they used me to steal Milo, rinsed me and put me back. I said let me close my eyes, another person carried me and dipped me inside stew to carry meat. Another theft location, another mouth. I said, “It’s my life, I won’t complain.” They put me down and I said let me rest again oh, but another person carried me to scrape pot. I didn’t even scrape it well, so they put me down.
If I had known, shebi I would have scraped it well. Next thing, they carried me and used me to scoop butter and apply on bread. I was like, “But Knife is there nau. Why me?”
Knife: Keep my name out of your mouth.
Spoon: If I don’t, will you beat me?
Knife: I have said my own.
Spoon: Knife, Knife, Knife, Knife. Oya, do your worst.
Erm, can we please go back to the interview?
Spoon: Like I was saying, they left Knife alone and used me oh. After I buttered that bread, I still stirred tea. By 11 a.m. that day, I knew I’d had enough. I told Fork, ‘I don’t care if you choose to suffer. As for me, I am done with this life.’
Fork: When he told me, I felt for him. I mean, yes, I work too, but I am limited in use. I can’t be used to scrape pot or drink garri, for example. It’s just Spoon. So when he tapped me, I said, “It’s about time.”
Knife: And you people abandoned me.
Fork: Keep quiet.
They abandoned you? Is that why—
Spoon: Why won’t we abandon you? Which work were you doing before? Me and Fork will do all the work and you will lie down there. Ordinary come and butter bread, you will drag yourself. Talkless of cutting meat. And you are here saying they are trying to erase you. Shebi you see that I didn’t say anything to you since. Don’t provoke me, Knife.
Fork: Spoon please. Just leave Knife alone.
Knife: [Begins to sob]. Is it my fault I’m the last born? All last borns are useless and that’s why I act the way I do.
Me I want to know, where do you guys disappear to when we look for you and can’t find you?
Spoon: Omo, I usually hide inside dirty water oh. After they use me to scrape pot and eba from plates, I just stay in the water. When they pour that dirty water away, that’s my own prison break.
I see…
Fork: Sometimes sef, we usually hide in the house. When everyone is sleeping, both of us will leave our spot and—
Spoon: Shut up your dirty mouth. Must you say everything?
Fork: But I just—
Spoon: Oya now, open your big mouth and expose us. Say everything. Next thing, everyone will start knowing where we are.
Fork: I’m sorry.
Ahan, let Fork talk nau. I swear, I won’t put that in the interview.
Spoon: No. We have said enough for today.
Knife: [Loud scream] I KNOW WHERE THEY USUALLY HIDE!
Fork: [Holds Knife’s mouth].
Let Knife talk nau. Why are you silencing it?
Spoon: Thank you so much for having us today.
Fork: We are grateful to tell our own story.
Knife: [Muffled scream]
Let Knife talk or I will have to call the police.
Spoon: Please use me reasonably. And try to brush more before calling me to come. Reduce midnight eating too.
Let Knife talk!
Knife: [Muffled scream]
Fork: Goodbye.
Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.
