Interview With Nigerian Internet Service Providers: “Let Us Explain

November 11, 2022

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

We wrote an article ranking Nigerian internet service providers. Somehow, the providers were able to combine their bad internet to read it, and they demanded an interview with Zikoko. 

[Zikoko arrives at a deserted island that’s probably not on any map. The providers chose the location because it’s close to their underwater sea cables and should be the best place for their internet to work without buffering. Zikoko cannot swim and would much rather not be in a deserted island with people they just dragged in an article, but braves it all for the story. Lord provide strength. 

Smile, Airtel, 9mobile and Spectranet are on their seats when the speedboat arrives. Zikoko does a quick scan and notices MTN and Glo are nowhere to be found.]

Zikoko: Where are MTN and Glo?

Smile: [holding their wig] Who are those? 

9mobile and Spectranet: Do we have to wait for them? I think we’re enough. 

Zikoko: Want to say thank you for having me, but honestly, what do you have to say that I’d want to hear?

Smile: My problem with you people is you don’t smile enough. Zikoko, relax. Smile.

Zikoko: What’s there to smile about? Yesterday, we couldn’t hold meetings at the office because of one of you. I won’t name names. 

Smile: Name the name you want to name.

Airtel: Yesterday, rain was falling, your AC was on. Was a meeting really something you wanted to have? 

Spectranet: And honestly, unless you live on a mountain, I do my work. Maybe your poverty is the problem.

Zikoko: You people are unruly. You want us to praise you for not working?

Them: Yes.

Zikoko: Okay, let’s assume your terrible network is for the good of mankind. What about the other complaints? 

Smile: Which complaints? 

Zikoko: Smile, let’s start with you. Look at the network you dish to Nigerians. What’s there to smile about?

Spectranet: You know, I’m happy you asked that question.

Smile: Please, shut up, Spectranet. We all know you came into this business to steal my customers with promises of good, affordable network. Yet, when they try you out, they come running back to me. 

Spectranet: Zikoko? You won’t say anything? 

Zikoko: Smile, you’ve still not answered our question, or is your brain lagging like your network? 

Smile: Omo, what did I throw, what did I collect? 

Spectranet: Like, can you relax? 

Zikoko: Can you people hear yourselves? Also, where the hell are MTN and Glo?

MTN: I’m here.

(That’s when Zikoko finally notices the laptop on a table. MTN is waving frantically through the screen.) 

Zikoko: MTN is doing this interview over Zoom?

MTN: Yes, I’m currently in South Africa. I needed a little rest. 

Zikoko: Why did you make me get a helicopter when I could’ve done it on Zoom? 

Airtel: Your network might be bad. 

(Zikoko tries not to scream.)

Zikoko: Okay, where is Glo?

9mobile: On their way. They currents are too strong.

Zikoko: They want to swim to this island? God help us. I’ve already spoken to Smile. What do the rest of you want. Please, make it snappy. 

MTN: Rude. We wanted to address the allegations you made against us in your ranked article. What do you mean I suck data?  

Zikoko: You suck abi you don’t suck?

MTN: I don’t suck.

Zikoko: What then do you do?

MTN: I just use it to pay tithe.

Zikoko: You have to be joking 

MTN: Don’t you pay tithe? 

Zikoko: Tithe is to come from your own money, not my data

MTN: Nobody told me that one o. They said I should pay, and I collect it from data. If you have a problem with it, fight Jesus. 

(Zikoko is turning red from frustration.) 

Zikoko: Okay, Airtel. The network blackouts. People can’t even make calls.

Airtel: National grid can collapse, but I can’t? 

RELATED: Interview With National Grid: “Better Buy Plenty Fuel, You’ll Need it”

Zikoko: Quick question. Are you possessed or is this behaviour from birth? 

Airtel: Why do you have double standards? 

Zikoko: If it’s to change name and colour every couple of years, you can do that, but to give good network is a problem?

(Airtel starts to cry.) 

Airtel: Why are you bodyshaming me? Yes, I did plastic surgery, so what? 

(Airtel storms out in tears, and 9mobile runs after to offer comfort.) 

Zikoko: God, abeg. They don’t pay me enough for this. 

Spectranet: My own issue is you’re complaining I don’t reach everywhere in Nigeria. I’m exclusive. Not everyone can have access to me. 

Zikoko: But the people you reach say you’re doing rubbish.

Spectranet: What do they know? The problem is you people don’t care about our mental health. See, you made Airtel cry. We’re trying the best we can. Why can’t you understand that?

(9mobile comes back at this point, alone.)

Zikoko: Where’s Airtel?

9mobile: Airtel collapsed because the situation was overwhelming. See what you’ve done, Zikoko?

Zikoko: All of you are clearly insane, and I think I’ve had enough.

9mobile: But I’ve not even had a chance to clear my name yet.

Zikoko: The only reason you can speak is because we’re on a deserted island. If it was Oshodi now, we’ll be grateful if you give us 2G network.

Smile: I think everyone should just take a deep breath and smile.

Zikoko: If I hear you speak again, I’ll cause you physical harm.

(Zikoko’s speedboat arrives, they hop in and it takes off.)

Glo (drenched in water): Hi guys. Sorry I’m late. Has the interview started yet?

RELATED: Interview With Travelling Bag: “I Was There When You Had Nothing”

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

Watch

Now on Zikoko

December 1, 2022

On November 30, 2022, the Federal Government absolved itself of total blame concerning poverty in Nigeria. The Minister of State for Budget and National Planning, Clement Agba, shifted some of the blame to governors of the 36 states. The minister said the governors should stop spending borrowed money on unnecessary projects and spend on projects […]

Recommended Quizzes

November 27, 2019

Do you have a face that could make angels jealous, or should you really be walking around with a nylon bag over your head so you don’t scare children? Well, this quiz is here to answer that by telling you exactly how good-looking you are. Take and find out: 11 Quizzes For People Who Aren’t […]

April 14, 2020

Every friend group consists of very different and specific characters — from the parent to the fun one — and it can be a little tough figuring out where you fall. So, we’ve created a quiz that lets you know exactly what kind of friend you are. Take to find out:

What are you like in a relationship?
February 7, 2020

Your taste in music can say a lot about you, and this time, it’s going to reveal what you are like in a relationship. So, pick a few of your favourite Nigerian love songs, and we’ll let you know if you’re typically a distant, passionate or unbothered partner. Here you go:

November 7, 2019

These days, everyone is always talking about how much sex they’re getting, or how little sex they’re getting, or how disgusting sex is etc. There’s just so much talk about sex, it’s almost impossible to know who’s lying and who’s telling the truth. In anticipation of our new series about the sex lives of young […]

March 24, 2020

While we know that a lot of the best Nigerian artists deservedly have fans across generations, that won’t stop us from attempting to guess how old you are based on your taste in Nigerian music. So, take this quiz to see if we got it right:

More from Inside Life

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

September 13, 2022
Vs The World is a Zikoko original video series that follows best friends Astor and Hassan as they take on the world.
August 23, 2022
Zikoko Ships is a Zikoko Original series where we invite two people who share a relationship to play the Zikoko card games
December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X