How To Talk About Sex Like A Nigerian Parent

January 25, 2020

Let’s play a game. We want you to imagine yourself as a Nigerian parent for two minutes. Now imagine that your son or daughter comes to you for advice on sex. As a Nigerian parent, how would you react? What would you say? We came up with some tips to help you out in this game.

1. Shout at the child.

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You want to know about what, sex? Ah, it is finished. It is finished ooo. My child wants to know about sex. Neighbours, help me!

2. After shouting, start threatening the child.

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Say things like, “If you engage in sex, you will go to hell fire. Don’t you know that sex causes your soul to be tied to another person? Don’t you know that they can collect your destiny through sex? What if you carry HIV? Sex will kill you. That’s all you need to know.”

3. After that, begin to monitor the child.

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Spy on them. Peep into their phones. Look at their reaction when someone of the opposite sex is passing. Scrutinise their faces when a sex scene or a kissing scene comes up on TV. If they do so much as shake, then you’ll get your proof that your beloved child is already eating the forbidden fruit.

4. Now you can go into full fire and brimstone mode. It’s okay, even Patience Ozokwor will understand.

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Clap your hands. Shout. Remove your head gear and fling it away. Grab the child’s cloth. Say, “You’re already having sex! Eh, my child has become of the world. You must kill me today.”

5. The neighbours will come in to separate you, of course.

Allow them to separate you, please. You don’t want your child to pounce on you in anger, do you? A child that is already having sex, who knows what other evils that kind of child is capable of?

5. Bide your time. One day one day, you will be justified.

One day will be one day, your son will confess that he has impregnated the neighbour’s daughter. Or your daughter will start sleeping in the afternoons. And then you’ll know you have caught them red-handed. Oh that’s going to be too shameful? Well then this is what you should do: the next time your child comes to you for any sex-related advice, be calm enough to hear them out and tell them what they need to know.

You’ll save yourself a lot of trouble that way.

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