So, you’re an Igbo man on your way home (your village) for a family meeting, an introduction, a wedding, a burial, or some other Igbo turn-up. Your Peugeot 505 is chock full of yams, hollandis, bags of snuff, and three cartons of a cheap malt brand that tastes like engine oil.
According to decades of vicious stereotypes perpetuated by Nollywood, all these things should get you the attention you want. But if you want all the pretty flowers (a.k.a eligible bachelorettes) to giving you “lick my hairy snail” eyes, you’ll need to take your swag up a notch.
Here’s a tutorial on how to do that.
Strut into the turn-up venue dressed in an shirt, wrapper, and giant pointy shoes that’ll make Jafar (from Aladdin) green with envy.
The shirt absolutely has to be covered in the severed heads of big cats on it. The species (Lion, Tiger, Panther etc) doesn’t matter. It just has to look super pissed.
If you decide to go with trousers instead, they must look like this:
Ill-fitting and badly-tailored, with the inseam way higher than it should be, ensuring that you spend the majority of your time adjusting your scrotum so you don’t lose a testicle.
If you need an alternate outfit, you can never go wrong with this Igbo classic.
The net singlet a.k.a the most impractical piece of clothing ever created. Extra points if you wear one in a really strange colour like bright pink or neon green.
Pair the net singlet with this cap:
No one knows when Igbo men took the newsy cap as their official headgear.
Then complete the look and destroy everyone’s existence with these bad boys:
If animals weren’t murdered and skinned while making your shoes, are you even Igbo? Might as well go barefoot.
Walk into the venue with a key holder around your middle finger containing a frankly insane amount of keys.
Walk in there with so many keys that it makes you look like the warden of a 15-century prison.
At some point during the event, get everyone’s attention, like you’re about to give a speech. And then very slowly, proceed to swallow two tablets of Panadol without water.
Extra points if it’s Panadol extra.
When having a conversation with anyone, proceed to chew obscenely large pieces of kola nut, while maintaining strong eye contact.
No need to cut them up. Eat them whole. Your strong Igbo jaw can take it.
Just go forth and prosper.