How To Be The Sexiest Man In Any Igbo Gathering

June 13, 2019

So, you’re an Igbo man on your way home (your village) for a family meeting, an introduction, a wedding, a burial, or some other Igbo turn-up. Your Peugeot 505 is chock full of yams, hollandis, bags of snuff, and three cartons of a cheap malt brand that tastes like engine oil.

According to decades of vicious stereotypes perpetuated by Nollywood, all these things should get you the attention you want. But if you want all the pretty flowers (a.k.a eligible bachelorettes) to giving you “lick my hairy snail” eyes, you’ll need to take your swag up a notch.

Here’s a tutorial on how to do that.

Strut into the turn-up venue dressed in an shirt, wrapper, and giant pointy shoes that’ll make Jafar (from Aladdin) green with envy.

The shirt absolutely has to be covered in the severed heads of big cats on it. The species (Lion, Tiger, Panther etc) doesn’t matter. It just has to look super pissed.

If you decide to go with trousers instead, they must look like this:

Ill-fitting and badly-tailored, with the inseam way higher than it should be, ensuring that you spend the majority of your time adjusting your scrotum so you don’t lose a testicle.

If you need an alternate outfit, you can never go wrong with this Igbo classic.

The net singlet a.k.a the most impractical piece of clothing ever created. Extra points if you wear one in a really strange colour like bright pink or neon green.

Pair the net singlet with this cap:

No one knows when Igbo men took the newsy cap as their official headgear.

Then complete the look and destroy everyone’s existence with these bad boys:

If animals weren’t murdered and skinned while making your shoes, are you even Igbo? Might as well go barefoot.

Walk into the venue with a key holder around your middle finger containing a frankly insane amount of keys.

Walk in there with so many keys that it makes you look like the warden of a 15-century prison.

At some point during the event, get everyone’s attention, like you’re about to give a speech. And then very slowly, proceed to swallow two tablets of Panadol without water.

Extra points if it’s Panadol extra.

When having a conversation with anyone, proceed to chew obscenely large pieces of kola nut, while maintaining strong eye contact.

No need to cut them up. Eat them whole. Your strong Igbo jaw can take it.

Just go forth and prosper.

You'll like this

Astor George

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

Watch

Now on Zikoko

September 25, 2020

For a Nigerian father, it is not enough that you made it to university. No, no. “Any random person can go to the university,” they’ll say. To them, it’s the course you study that matters.  1. Medicine This is top 2 and it’s not number 2. A Nigerian father’s ultimate dream is to say, “My […]

September 25, 2020

Dear OAU students, everyone knows that you have a vibrant community, so it’s only right that we do a post about the Obafemi Awolowo University experience. This one is for you: 1. When you are coming from Academics at 3 AM and Seun Risky has not closed  I serve a living God. 2. Awo boys […]

September 25, 2020

What does life look like for Gen Z Nigerians everywhere in the world? Every Friday, we ask five Gen Z Nigerian students one question in order to understand their outlook of life.  We recently wrote an article about some Nigerians struggle with drug addiction, so we decided to ask five students why they started using drugs in the […]

Recommended Quizzes

December 3, 2019

Are you a professional Yoruba demon? Are you walking around in search of whose life you can wreck at any given time? Well, this quiz knows exactly how many hearts you’ve shattered to date, and before you lie that your result is inaccurate, just remember that Zikoko is never wrong. Now, take it and be […]

how tall are you
March 11, 2020

Did your parents give you enough beans when you were growing up? If they did, then you’re probably around 6’0″ and above. Either way, we created a quiz that can guess your current height (pretty accurately, if we do say so ourselves). Take to see if we nailed it:

December 11, 2019

In the past month, we’ve made quizzes that guessed the last time you had sex, how many people you’ve slept with, and just how good you are in bed. For our latest attempt, we will use your taste in Nigerian music from the 2010s to ascertain what you’re like in bed. Take to find out:

November 12, 2019

Are you a single pringle, stuck in a complicated situationship or happily married to the love of your life? This quiz is here to guess your current relationship status, and as you know, Zikoko quizzes are incredibly accurate (don’t quote us). So, give a shot:

More from Inside Life

September 25, 2020

On Thursday, President Muhammadu Buhari signed into law the new Police Establishment Act 2020, aimed at making the Nigerian police force better. But the new law has generated sharp criticism, especially on social media. Many critics say that the law has now granted wide and unending powers to police officers. Reasonable Grounds, Reasonable Apprehension The […]

September 24, 2020

An explosion has occurred in the Ajuwon, Iju-Ishaga area of Lagos today. The explosion happened around 3:30 pm on Thursday 24th September 2020, with many people stating that they do not know the cause of the explosion. Video footages of the explosion have been circulating on social media: An eyewitness told BBC Pidgin that a […]

September 24, 2020

Addiction, sometimes can be a three-headed hydra. Sever one head and two grow in its place. I’m writing this in the hopes that people who struggle with their addiction will read this and realise that they are not alone. I’m hoping the people whose responses thousands are going to read will realise how much impact […]

September 24, 2020

On Wednesday, 23 September 2020, Nigeria’s Federal Executive Council approved $1.96 billion for the award of contract for the development of the proposed Kano-Jigawa-Katsina-Jibia to Maradi rail line in the Niger Republic. The rail track will cover 248 kilometres, and will pass through seven cities in Nigeria: Kano, Dambatta, Kazaure, Daura, Mashi, Katsina, Jibia and […]

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.
February 6, 2020
Who doesn't want to find love? In our bid to help, we paired up a bunch of single Nigerians, sending them on an all-expense paid date, and interviewing them before and after they met.
January 27, 2020
Nigerians Talk is what happened when a motley crew of young Nigerians were put in front of a camera and asked a bunch of apparently random questions about life, love, money and more.
September 24, 2019
A group of Zikoko staff go on a road trip to every mainland country in ECOWAS West Africa

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X