How To Be The Sexiest Man In Any Igbo Gathering

June 13, 2019

So, you’re an Igbo man on your way home (your village) for a family meeting, an introduction, a wedding, a burial, or some other Igbo turn-up. Your Peugeot 505 is chock full of yams, hollandis, bags of snuff, and three cartons of a cheap malt brand that tastes like engine oil.

According to decades of vicious stereotypes perpetuated by Nollywood, all these things should get you the attention you want. But if you want all the pretty flowers (a.k.a eligible bachelorettes) to giving you “lick my hairy snail” eyes, you’ll need to take your swag up a notch.

Here’s a tutorial on how to do that.

Strut into the turn-up venue dressed in an shirt, wrapper, and giant pointy shoes that’ll make Jafar (from Aladdin) green with envy.

The shirt absolutely has to be covered in the severed heads of big cats on it. The species (Lion, Tiger, Panther etc) doesn’t matter. It just has to look super pissed.

If you decide to go with trousers instead, they must look like this:

Ill-fitting and badly-tailored, with the inseam way higher than it should be, ensuring that you spend the majority of your time adjusting your scrotum so you don’t lose a testicle.

If you need an alternate outfit, you can never go wrong with this Igbo classic.

The net singlet a.k.a the most impractical piece of clothing ever created. Extra points if you wear one in a really strange colour like bright pink or neon green.

Pair the net singlet with this cap:

No one knows when Igbo men took the newsy cap as their official headgear.

Then complete the look and destroy everyone’s existence with these bad boys:

If animals weren’t murdered and skinned while making your shoes, are you even Igbo? Might as well go barefoot.

Walk into the venue with a key holder around your middle finger containing a frankly insane amount of keys.

Walk in there with so many keys that it makes you look like the warden of a 15-century prison.

At some point during the event, get everyone’s attention, like you’re about to give a speech. And then very slowly, proceed to swallow two tablets of Panadol without water.

Extra points if it’s Panadol extra.

When having a conversation with anyone, proceed to chew obscenely large pieces of kola nut, while maintaining strong eye contact.

No need to cut them up. Eat them whole. Your strong Igbo jaw can take it.

Just go forth and prosper.

Astor George

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

January 8, 2020

All your life you have struggled with saving money and being financially independent? Every year, you make resolutions to improve but you give up midway and revert to your old ways. If this sounds like you worry no more, we have four not so difficult steps to guide you on the road to monetary freedom. […]

Watch

Now on Zikoko

July 31, 2021

Angel, one of the resident Gen-Z’s in the ongoing Big Brother Nigeria has shown us that beyond being self-aware, she is also very funny. Here are a few times Angel has shown us that she is one of the top 5 funny women in Nigeria. 1. She being a generous and accomodating side chick. 2. […]

July 31, 2021

Here are 9 quizzes for Geography experts. If you’re truly one, you shouldn’t have any problem acing them. 1. QUIZ: Only Smart Nigerians Can Score 20/25 On This A-Z Geography Quiz How many Nigerian cities and states do you know from A-Z? Get up to 20 on this quiz to prove you’re smart. N.B: The answer […]

July 31, 2021

Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians. TW: Sexual Abuse. The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 28-year-old heterosexual woman who talks about hating condoms and how all that changed after an STD and two pregnancies.   What was your […]

July 31, 2021

Truth or Dare can be a fun game to play whether you’re hanging in with friends or you’re playing drinking games. However, it can get old really quick if you don’t have the right questions or dare. So we put together a couple of truth or dare questions to ask a guy at the next […]

Recommended Quizzes

February 26, 2020

Are you all set for marriage, or are you still figuring it out? Well, if you’re curious to know the answer, then this is the quiz for you. All you have to do is create your own ideal Nollywood wedding film, and we’ll tell you if you’re ready to say “I do”. Go ahead:

April 3, 2020

While the rest of the world loves to treat our continent like a country, there are actually 54 African countries. So, in a bid to test your knowledge (and educate you), we’ve created a quiz to see how many of their capitals you can correctly name. Go ahead:

December 11, 2019

In the past month, we’ve made quizzes that guessed the last time you had sex, how many people you’ve slept with, and just how good you are in bed. For our latest attempt, we will use your taste in Nigerian music from the 2010s to ascertain what you’re like in bed. Take to find out:

November 7, 2019

These days, everyone is always talking about how much sex they’re getting, or how little sex they’re getting, or how disgusting sex is etc. There’s just so much talk about sex, it’s almost impossible to know who’s lying and who’s telling the truth. In anticipation of our new series about the sex lives of young […]

More from Inside Life

July 31, 2021

Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians. TW: Sexual Abuse. The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 28-year-old heterosexual woman who talks about hating condoms and how all that changed after an STD and two pregnancies.   What was your […]

July 29, 2021

Every Nigerian has at least one of these kinds of Uncles in their family 1) Mr I’d get back to you He’s the one that you ask for a favour and he always tells you he’d get back to you. The thing is, he never does. It’ll save everyone’s time and energy if he just […]

July 29, 2021

You know how Nigerian universities are, any small thing, “Oppression is Allowed!” To make matters worse, during the everlasting lockdown, many students were hustling to make money and it’s as if everybody has cashed out. So, if you don’t want oppression to kill you, here are some ways to disguise: 1. Get a piercing. If […]

black man covering his mouth
July 29, 2021

We don’t always mean to lie to our parents but sometimes, shit happens. They don’t exactly make being honest easy, either. Sometimes the lies are small and harmless, other times they are big and problematic. Here are eight lies we’ve all told our parents. 1. When we lie that we missed their call Sometimes, we […]

July 28, 2021

Making friends as an adult is a daunting task, and it oftentimes requires a certain level of patience. We’ve come up with a list of signs to look out for before choosing friends. 1. If they press the toothpaste from the middle. This set of people are so used to chaos, they make sure it […]

July 27, 2021

Not everyone gets to be the rich Nigerian aunty, some of us have to be the broke aunty to bring the balance. If you are reading this, you are probably in doubt of what type of aunty you are. There’s a high chance you are a broke Nigerian aunt, and here are some signs to […]

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X