The Hilarious Life Of A Nigerian Stammerer

April 20, 2016

I sha knew I was special when people used to laugh when I spoke…

…abi tried to speak.

My sister would do everything to annoy me at home.

She was the devil.

Whenever it was now time to report her, I would basically turn into a DJ.

Kai! My life!

Me in school, avoiding being asked to answer questions or read out loud.

Forever dodging, but still passing.

It sha worked until my primary 3 teacher assumed passing in class meant I could do debate.

What’s doing this teacher?

Oya debate day, time to introduce myself and trust me to get stuck on my own name.

Ti-Ti-Ti-Ti-Titilope

Everyone sha had a good laugh, me sef I laughed because…

Abi?

Me, looking for a new word mid-sentence because I know that word I’m attempting is not coming out.

The struggle.

How people react when I jump from one unrelated word to another:

No vex, English teacher.

Whenever I stop talking halfway and someone tries to complete my sentence for me.

Abeg hold it.

Me, trying to express myself when I get angry.

The struggle to get the words out

Then I had that aunty who would always tell me to “talk slowly” as if that was all it took.

Like seriously?

Whenever I hear a Nigerian comedian cracking a joke about stammerers.

Ya not funny oh!!!

Whenever I meet someone who prefers talking on the phone to texting.

Enemy of progress!

When my sister now said I should be enrolled in a school for special kids.

I already told you she was the devil.

Whenever I misbehaved at home and my parents asked me to explain myself.

Just punish me abeg.

The one that sha pained me the most was when my crush finally said “hello”

Finally!

My throat now decided that I must stay single and I was just there like “he..he..he..”

God! Why me?

See my crush looking at me like:

“Is this one ok?”

I’ve sha learnt to accept the stammerer life like that, proudly sef.

Stammerers unite!

Because me I know in heaven my voice will be free…

Praise The Lord!

Free to finally report that it was Sade who closed the window in primary 2, not me.

Yup! I’m petty like that. Co-written by Zikoko contributor @DelphiicOracle.
Avatar

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

Watch

Now on Zikoko

January 24, 2021

What does it mean to be a man? Surely, it’s not one thing. It’s a series of little moments that add up. “Man Like” is a weekly Zikoko series documenting these moments to see how it adds up. It’s a series for men by men, talking about men’s issues. We try to understand what it means […]

Recommended Quizzes

how much of an ajebutter
February 12, 2020

Are you an ajebutter or not? Well, if you’ve gone through life blissfully unaware of its harshness, then you probably are. Now, we want to know just how high you rank on that ajebutter scale, using your food preferences as a (very accurate) measure. Take to find out:

December 5, 2019

We already tried to guess how much you have in your account and your current net worth, and we think we did a pretty great job (keep any complaints to yourself). Now, we’re going to try and guess your monthly salary based on your relationship with money. Oya, take the quiz: 11 Timed Quizzes For […]

March 24, 2020

While we know that a lot of the best Nigerian artists deservedly have fans across generations, that won’t stop us from attempting to guess how old you are based on your taste in Nigerian music. So, take this quiz to see if we got it right:

November 12, 2019

Are you a single pringle, stuck in a complicated situationship or happily married to the love of your life? This quiz is here to guess your current relationship status, and as you know, Zikoko quizzes are incredibly accurate (don’t quote us). So, give a shot:

More from General

December 1, 2020

December 1st is World AIDS Day. It is a day to raise awareness about AIDS. We spoke to Doctor Opeyemi, to tell us some facts about the disease, common misconceptions and how to care for people living with AIDS. 1) AIDS AIDS (Acquired Immuno Deficiency Syndrome) is the late stage manifestation of the viral infection […]

November 13, 2020

The subject of today’s Abroad Life is a 25-year-old woman who lives and studies medicine in Dominica. She talks about how she got the admission, the fact that there are a lot of Nigerians there, and why she wants to leave once she’s done with her programme.  First things first, where are you right now? […]

November 5, 2020

For a lot of Nigerians, the ultimate Nigerian Dream is to japa. Many people prefer to go to Canada, AKA ‘Abroad Nigeria’ and live with the rest of the Nigerians that are there. If you’ve successfully japa’d here are some of the things you can definitely relate to: 1. When you start your visa processing […]

Buffet
October 28, 2020

For many Nigerians, their experiences at buffets rank highest as one of their most embarrassing moments.  Read: 5 Ways A Buffet Can Go Wrong In Nigeria From simple things like being overly shy because you now have to exercise your alimentary canal in front of everyone, to really serious buffet malfunctions like when a host […]

October 17, 2020

Although non-members of the LGBTQ+ community are harassed when profiled as “gay”, a lot of people believe that the QueerNigerianLivesMatter hashtag is unnecessary. Members of the LGBTQ+ community, like many Nigerians, are fighting for their right to exist. They are victims of police brutality. So, we spoke to some queer Nigerian protesters to tell us […]

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X