For Rest Of Mind In This Country, These Are The Things We Really Need

November 24, 2018

Maybe it’s glasses or special gloves. But the thing that will let me know if ponmo is soft before it enters my plate, I need it. Fast!

Iya Moria has punished me too many times.

Anything that can make me jump traffic like this in Nigeria, please make it happen.

Let me just turn to transformer when third-mainland starts nonsense.

Maybe it’s spirit we’ll employ last-last. But Nigerians need something that’ll shout “don’t pick this call, it’s money they want to ask for” when people want to turn you to GTB ATM.

But really, won’t this be mad?

Imagine if our cars had automatic koboko for when Danfo drivers start misbehaving. No stress, you’ll be in the car and it’ll be doing its thing

Or something that can just rake keke-marwas, when they think they can be dragging road unnecessarily.

I’m tired at this point. If it’s special face-cap we can be wearing for our generators so they won’t be so noisy, somebody make it please!

As money for Mikano isn’t set.

You know what every Nigerian needs? Their own siren! Once those politicians start making noise like this, we turn it to choir meeting.

If soldier catches you, don’t bring them to Zikoko office oh!

Since mosquitoes have turned Baygon to body spray, if we could just get like automatic slappers to catch them, it won’t be bad.

If you’re feeling this say “yeah-yeah”

I don’t know how Whatsapp wants to do it, but something that can be replying my mommy automatically: “wow that’s true”,when she starts with her BCs. Quick, please.

It has reached SOS at this point!

Who can fund this? Portable lie-detector for when our mechanics want to start moving mad?

Once they start saying: “aunty na engine problem”, it will just shout: “stop lying, it’s only spark -plug”

Do you know how mad it will be if our cars could wear invisibility cloaks when LASTMA starts their nonsense?

“your license and particu… blood of Jesus”

Speaking of things Nigerians really need. Make sure you subscribe to our #GameofVotes newsletter today. We’ll be counting down all the most important things that happen in politics leading up to the elections.

Follow the link here. Let us know what you think!

You'll like this

Boyin Plumptre

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

Watch

Now on Zikoko

June 6, 2020

If there’s one book every Nigerian child read, then it would be My Book of Bible Stories. That book satisfied our need for colourful pictures, as well as our desire to be told a story. It was vividly illustrated, and it’s perhaps safe to say that every child who read it wanted to be inside […]

Recommended Quizzes

November 4, 2019

After successfully predicting when y’all are getting married (please, email any complaints to noneofourbusiness@nayousabi.com), we are back to tell you how much is currently in your account. How, you might ask? By using your taste in Nollywood, of course. Shhh. No questions. Just take it already:

October 30, 2019

Kemi Adetiba’s King of Boys movie got a lot of things right, especially casting, so yes, it was a monster hit. Now, we know you may not have put much thought to this, but the personalities of some of the characters closely match yours, and we would like to help you find the perfect match. […]

December 3, 2019

Are you a professional Yoruba demon? Are you walking around in search of whose life you can wreck at any given time? Well, this quiz knows exactly how many hearts you’ve shattered to date, and before you lie that your result is inaccurate, just remember that Zikoko is never wrong. Now, take it and be […]

April 14, 2020

Every friend group consists of very different and specific characters — from the parent to the fun one — and it can be a little tough figuring out where you fall. So, we’ve created a quiz that lets you know exactly what kind of friend you are. Take to find out:

More from Citizen

May 31, 2020

You might think this is an easy quiz, but I dare you to share it in your (family) WhatsApp groups; what’s that thing they say? “Breeze blow, fowl yansh go open.” Consider this quiz the proverbial fowl yansh. Nigeria has had an interesting number of leaders since independence in 1960 – some were bad, some […]

john boyega racist tweet george floyd
May 28, 2020

So far, every month in 2020 has given us its version of an uppercut to the jugular. We’ve lost Kobe and Gigi, a global pandemic broke out, we’ve had to stay isolated, murder hornets came back (then left?) and for May’s champion – repeated vile and racist attacks against black people in the US. John […]

May 22, 2020

In January 2020, Kay — awesome writer over at TechCabal, (Zikoko’s sister publication) spent a month in South Asia, touring the borders between Bangladesh and India. In preparing for this interview, I spent an inordinate amount of time getting lost in Bangladeshi cuisine, using maybe all of 3 minutes to learn about everything else (JK. […]

May 16, 2020

Have you ever been so scared for someone’s conscience, intercessory prayer starts hungrying you? Since May 7th, my recurring prayer point and the universal leader Governor of Rivers State – Nyesom Wike has seized and auctioned off over 20 civilian cars, convicted over 170 people and demolished 2 hotel buildings in his state. These were […]

May 15, 2020

For reasons best known to me (I’m bored, wistful and stir crazy, stuck at home with two sexagenarians), I have been dutifully spending a large percentage (I can’t say how large, this is a work post) of my day, researching the first few abroads I plan on living in when this whole ordeal is over. […]

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.
February 6, 2020
Who doesn't want to find love? In our bid to help, we paired up a bunch of single Nigerians, sending them on an all-expense paid date, and interviewing them before and after they met.
January 27, 2020
Nigerians Talk is what happened when a motley crew of young Nigerians were put in front of a camera and asked a bunch of apparently random questions about life, love, money and more.
September 24, 2019
A group of Zikoko staff go on a road trip to every mainland country in ECOWAS West Africa
May 5, 2020
For the second season, we put an even more diverse motley crew of young Nigerians in front of a camera and asked them random questions about love, school experiences and more.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.