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  • So you’re planning to travel back home or to Lagos for Detty December in this sapa-demic? Wow, very brave. Since we can’t stop you from making this choice, the least we can do is mentally prepare you for all the wahala you’ll go through on your December trip. 

    Good luck. 

    Flight tickets are more expensive than two Asake tickets 

    Someone needs to explain why everything is expensive in December. Are we the ones who gave birth to Jesus? 

    If you thought flight and bus tickets were expensive during the year, get ready to meet holiday ticket prices because your account will cry hot tears. And that’s not the end. Regular bikes and taxis will also start calling crazy figures, as if they’ve been waiting for you to help them complete the house they’re building in the village.

    Traffic everywhere 

    The amount of traffic you’ll jam this holiday season (especially if you go to Lagos) will make you wish you’d just sat in one place. There’ll be traffic on your way to the airport or bus park, traffic on your way out of there, traffic heading to where you’ll stay, traffic at your estate gate, traffic in your home and traffic in your life. As a matter of fact, half of your life will be spent in traffic. 

    Like Davido said, “E choke!” 

    Airport people will ask you to “Do Christmas” for them

    This is one of the most annoying things you’ll experience at the airport. If you breathe to the right, billing. If you breathe to the left, billing. By the time you finish dropping small ₦‎500 here and there, all your money will finish, and you’ll end up trekking from the airport to your house. 

    You need to hold ransom money 

    To avoid stories that touch, kindly travel with your ransom money, so in case you get kidnapped, they won’t have to stress about calling your relatives. What if your family uses Glo, and the call doesn’t go through? Or they use GTB, and their bank app doesn’t load on time? Help the kidnappers to help you, please. 

    RECOMMENDED: How to Eat Like a Food Blogger on a ₦30k Budget This Detty December

    Scarcity of buses

    Quick question to bus drivers: where do all your buses go during the holidays? Because they’re always plenty during the year, but as soon as it’s Christmas, you have only four buses (so you increase the price). We know what you people are doing. 

    Delayed flights 

    If your flight is by 5 p.m., get ready to leave that airport by 9 p.m. at least. But that’s only if you get to the airport early. Because if you get to the airport by 4:30 p.m., there’s a high chance you’ll miss your 5 p.m. flight. I don’t know how they do it, but they’d delay flights if you’re early or on time but disappear if you’re a minute late. I honestly think it’s jazz. 

    Family members will ask about your weight and marriage date 

    If questions about your weight or marital status don’t pop up when your family picks you up from the airport or bus park, know they’re saving it for when you get home. The moment you enter your front door (and throughout the holiday), you’ll start dealing with “Ahn ahn, what are you eating?” and “This your cousin is getting married next year. Shey we should still be praying for your own?” 

    You that hasn’t been on a date in two years? Pele, dear. 

    Everyone in Lagos will be busy or angry at something 

    This is for people going to Lagos. 

    As soon as you enter, you’ll feel the need to start rushing even if you have nothing to do. Don’t worry. It’s not a spiritual attack; it’s the Lagos spirit. Everyone here moves like they’re in a life-or-death situation. When you think about it, living in Lagos is an extreme life-or-death sport. 

    ALSO READ: It’s Not Detty December if You Don’t Do These Things

  • Driving in Lagos state is not the same as driving anywhere else in the world m. Here’s what you need to know if you want to learn how to drive correctly in Lagos. 

    1) Have a spare car in your compound

    Driving in Lagos means you should have a spare car in your house. Because if , the real owners of the car decide to help you bash it, will you now be left with nothing? If you want to drive and you don’t have a spare car, better enter a cab.

    2) Drop your sanity at home 

    Lagos roads are not a place for people with sound minds. They’re for people who have nothing to lose. When you decide to drive on a Lagos road, you need to embody the spirit of someone who can do anyhow at any time. Scary stuff, but it needs to be done. 

    3) Always have enough food stuff  in your car

    With traffic that often lasts longer than the will to live, you should always make sure that you have enough to cook. As a passenger, you can sleep and pretend to not be hungry. However, if you’re driving, you need all the energy. You fit make sharp-sharp amala. 

    RELATED: Interview With Lagos & Traffic: What God Has Joined Together

    4) Remember that you’re never wrong 

    In Lagos, everyone that drives is right. Even if they’re passing one-way or bashing your car, they’re right. You too need to embody the spirit of always being right. 

    5) LASTMA is your biggest opp 

    As you drive, have it at the back of your mind. LASTMA officers are out for blood, so don’t give them any. Complete papers, fire extinguisher, and whatever else they need. If not, the billing that’ll occur will wreck you. 

    RELATED: 13 Times LASTMA Did Oversabi

    6) Pedestrians are a suggestion 

    To drive in Lagos state, you don’t rate pedestrians. The road was not built with them in mind, so why will you drive with them in mind? 

    7) Refresh your insults vocabulary

    Every morning before you enter the road, refresh the insults in your vocabulary. Driving in Lagos means you have to be constantly innovating with your insultive creativity. 

    RELATED: 11 Annoying Nigerian Insults Kids Used to Say 

    8) Have your therapist on speed dial 

    Driving in Lagos will traumatise you, so you should have the person that’ll un-traumatise you. If you didn’t have a therapist before, better go and book one before you hit the road. 

    [donation]

  • It’s the holiday season again. While we all love spending time with loved ones and not having to work or attend classes, there’s something we can all as a society agree we hate about the holidays. Traffic. Traffic is always horrible this season, and with traffic comes increased cab prices. Our tired is tired. That’s why we’re here with some concrete tips to help you beat the traffic this holiday season.

    1) Stay in your house

    There’s no traffic if you stay in your house. Why are you going out all the time anyways? Is Christmas your own birthday? Why not take time to sit and reflect on the reason for the season. Traffic can’t stress you in you stay in your house.

    2) Reindeer

    If someone can fly a reindeer and visit all the houses on Christmas night, don’t you think it’s worth investing in? Flying reindeer is a sure way for you to beat traffic this holiday season.

    3) Teleportation

    Look at your mirror, tap your chest three times, shout Zikoko and you’d find yourself at whatever location you desire. Please note that if the teleportation doesn’t work for you, then it’s not Zikoko’s fault. You’re just bad vibes.

    4) Flying broom

    If reindeer is too hard for you to find, why not try a flying broom? Just place a call to a witch near you and ask for them to share their secrets. Haven’t you noticed that witches never complain about traffic?

    5) Climb your Christmas chicken

    Have you seen the speed at which chickens run and dash? Well, a simple way to beat traffic this holidays is to mount your Christmas chicken and let it carry you to your destination. Since they’re small animals, they can pass tight corners.

    6) Take to the skies

    Traffic is limited to the roads, so why not try flying? It doesn’t matter if you have wings or not. Work with faith.

    7) Kidnap Santa Claus

    When you kidnap him, tell him that his condition for release is to grant you one wish, and that’s a Christmas free holidays.

    8) Nigerian coat of arms horse

    The Nigerian horses on the coat of arms once complained that they need a new job to do. Why not borrow them this Christmas season. At least when you go to the beach and they want to charge you for a horse ride, you’d say you came with your own.

    [donation]

  • Not everyone hates traffic. Sometimes, people use traffic as an opportunity to listen to their favourite podcast or catch up on missed calls. Some others though can die at the thought of spending two extra minutes on the road because of a small traffic jam. If you absolutely hate traffic, you’ll be able to relate to this one.

    1. When you check for traffic updates on Google Maps

    What do you mean “One hour congestion and I’m still on the fastest route”?

    2. But you realise you have to go out eitherway

    “Can’t I just stay at home? Why do I ever have to leave my house?”

    3. When you see the traffic from way ahead

    You’ll look up ahead and see cars lined up as far as your eyes can see. At that point, you just want to turn back and go home. You were not built for this.

    4. And you finally enter it

    We will sleep here today.

    5. When you see someone trying to chance your car

    Please let’s not be unfortunate. This is where you can say “Dey your lane”, and actually mean that exactly. But people are stubborn.

    6. And then they brush your car

    They will try to enter, but because you can’t allow them, they’ll hit you. And then fight will start.

    7. This is you telling them they will pay

    “YOU WILL REPLACE MY BUMPER!!!”

    8. But you just decide to forgive them and move on

    It almost always ends in you forgiving them and just bearing the cost after all the shouting.

    9. When you finally see what’s causing the traffic

    If you live in Lagos, it’s probably just one car parked on the road for no apparent reason. Sometimes, finding out what caused the traffic would make you even much angrier. Just move and don’t think about it too much.

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  • You have become a traffic, but you don’t know it. Take this quiz to prove us right.

  • With traffic comes persistent hawkers, selling everything from cold drinks to rat traps. So, if you’ve spent a lot of time stuck in traffic, as most Nigerians have, then this is the quiz for you.

    Go ahead:

  • Let it be known that I’m not proud of myself for thinking of this. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, here are few bedroom slangs we can all borrow from Lagos traffic:

    1) “Do you know who I am?”

    This is best used when your bedroom skills are in doubt. It’s sweeter when you can back it up with stats. Alternatively, you can scream this one second before you orgasm.

    2) “What’s causing the delay?”

    Use this one on a case by case basis.

    3) “Please, I’m lost. I can’t find where I’m going.”

    Men, this one is for you. A closed mouth is a closed destiny.

    4) “I will show you madness today.”

    If kinky is your hobby, this one is for you.

    5) “Hit me first and you’ll see.”

    If kinky is not your hobby, this one is for you.

    6) “We will sleep here today.”

    Duh.

    7) “Sanwo-olu!”

    As a Lagosian living in Lagos, you have the right to shout this across a range of scenarios.

    8) “Bottled water-Lacasera-Gala.”

    Save this one for dirty talk.

  • In Lagos, two things are certain every Christmas: detty concerts and bumper to bumper traffic, upped by a bajillion notches. It’s the absolute worst really, and no higher power can save you from it – well, except you’re from Edo. So how then, do you kill time while sitting through the madness? Here are a few suggestions:

    1. Make that phone call you’ve been putting off

    You swore you’d call your mom back two days ago but you didn’t. It would be a good time to check up on her. However, make sure you’re not caught by road safety.

    2. Download movies to watch

    You never know who has their WiFi Hotspot on while you’re stuck in hellish traffic… So you just might get lucky.

    Feel free to download that Christmas movie that has been sitting idly on your Netflix watch list. Be like this guy 🙂

    https://www.instagram.com/p/B5sITLblJG2/

    3. Scroll through your Twitter/Instagram feed

    In this digital world, you have to be up-to-speed on the juiciest news so you’re not caught sleeping on a bicycle. You know, It’s never a bad time to see if another celebrity has committed an atrocious offence, or see what your crush is up to. Heck, you can even tweet your annoyance at the IJGBs who have come to make Lagos even more inconvenient than it already is.

    4. Learn your fave artiste’s song lyrics

    This detty December, you don’t want to be caught on camera messing up the song lyrics of your fave artiste (who you claim to stan). Take it from me, it never looks cute, ok?

  • *cue ominous music*

    It’s been said that traffic in Lagos is an evil entity (not unlike the Nothingness from The Never Ending Story) that has enveloped the entire state and won’t let go until it has sucked the youth and happiness out of every single one of the state’s inhabitants.

    *record scratch*

    We’re the ones that said this. That doesn’t mean it’s not true, though.

    Yes, there is seemingly traffic everywhere you look in Lagos. But there are some areas that, due to bad roads or other factors, have it worse than others. These are five of those areas, so you know where to avoid.

    1) Apapa Road

    An explanation for why the traffic on this road is so terrible is that it’s the only major road linking to Apapa. The traffic gets to biblical proportions whenever the tanker drivers abandon their designated parking lot and decide to park on the bridge. Throw rain in the mix and the road becomes a suitable arena for a titan mud wrestling match.

    2) Oshodi

    See ehn, Apapa Oworonshoki express road has always been one kind. The only you could comfortably pass that road before was from midnight, but this is isn’t even the case anymore because of that wildly unnecessary bus station the government has been building there for over two years.

    3) Third Mainland Bridge

    The insane thing here is that people get up as early as 4 AM to beat the traffic on this bridge (mostly made up of people who live on the mainland and work on the Island) but still end up stuck on the bridge for no less than an hour every day. Returning at the close of business (4 PM, 5 PM, 6 PM) isn’t any better.

    4) Ikorodu Road

    The fact that it’s the only road linking central Lagos to Ikorodu (an area on the outskirts of Lagos with relatively cheap housing) means that tons of vehicles ply that road every day, leading to a seemingly neverending traffic jam.

    5) Ojuelegba

    Ojuelegba is a mess. There are commercial buses and motorcycles parked everywhere, leaving very little space for private cars and even humans to move. It’s no wonder Wizkid got out.

    Look, Lagos traffic might be actively trying to kill you like you’re in your own Final Destination sequel; but unlike the people in those movies, you don’t have to let it win. Live the stress-free baby boy/girl life you’ve always wanted by using Gokada, the bike-hailing service, to avoid traffic.

  • If you live in Lagos then congested road traffic is no surprise to you. But, it’s about to get worse!

    Sanwo-Olu, who has been ghosting Lagosians since he resumed office as governor, has finally come out from being AWOL to tell us that the repairs on Lagos roads won’t commence until the rains are over.

    Meanwhile, train operations on the Lagos-Ibadan railway road have been suspended until December. Yes, most people really don’t care about that because; who uses the trains in Lagos? Well, surprisingly, some people do. No, I’m not lying, see…

    Yes, that’s real. I was also shocked speechless the first time I saw people sitting on a train! Although, considering the fact that even a keke napep moves faster than these trains in Lagos, I can understand how that is possible.

    Anyway, word on the streets is that the ousted train passengers, especially those who sit on it-totally ignoring the fine for that-are now seeking alternative means of transportation, hence they are flooding the streets like ants.

    You are wont to see more of a sea of faces during traffic hour.