Whatever you do, please don’t make the costly mistake of renting an apartment next to a primary school. It might sound like a very odd advice, but here are some of the things you are definitely going to experience.

1. First of all, say goodbye to your morning sleep.

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Assembly starts by 8. God help you if you are still in bed by that time. “Good morning Jesus, good morning Lord” will wake you up. And if it doesn’t, their drumming will do the work. Something must sha wake you up.

2. Expect to hear daily recitation of the multiplication tables.

Two times one two, two times two four, two times three six, etc. This is just the beginning. They will most likely recite it up to multiplication table six. And if you’re really unlucky, they will do it to twelve. If you have a morning meeting, please shut your windows and mute your mic before your employers think your side hustle is a job as a primary school teacher.

3. States and capitals will come next.

You would think leaving primary school has made you escape this. Until you rent an apartment and there is a primary school right next to you. By force by fire, you will learn that the capital of Abia is Umuahia. If you like yourself, better join them to recite it. You don’t know if you’ll be asked to recite state and capital at your next job interview. Who knows, you might be asked to recite it at the visa office so they can be sure you will return to Nigeria.


Prepare yourself for this. There is a moment of silence after the assembly and recitation is over. But after that silence comes a lot of crying that will destabilise you. The teacher will beat a pupil or a pupil will fight another pupil or a child will cry because their demands isn’t being met. It’s the ghetto.

5. Expect to be a teacher too.

Not that you’ll go and apply oh, but after listening to them everyday, you will soon start to teach along with the teacher. If the teacher is an olodo who is teaching the children rubbish, you will fight the urge to go over to the school and correct them. But you can’t, so you’ll stay in your room and correct them when they say that September has 31 days. “30 days hath September!”

6. The good side of it is that living next to a primary school brings you closer to God.

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When they are doing their morning assembly, you will join them from your room. And let’s not even lie, the praise and worship do usually slap. Especially if the drummer acts like a possessed child. Regebosh!

7. You also get to gain “useless” information that will come in handy.

For example, you won’t ever forget the national anthem or the pledge, since you are always hearing them sing it everyday. And if you like, forget it. When it is time for the government to share eNaira to citizens who can recite the national anthem, you kuku will not collect anything.

8. And finally, living next to a primary school is the ultimate way to know if you actually like children.

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If you can endure them without changing apartment, then congratulations. You have fought a great battle.



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