Look, last born children are the devil’s incarnate. They talk too much, are often favoured by the parents and they almost always seem to get the best things. The worst part is that you can’t punish them. But all that is about to end today. We have devised 7 secret ways to do them dirty.

NB: Know the kind of last born you will try these things with o. Some last borns get crase for head. Dem dey beat their elderly ones.

A. THE FOOD PUNISHMENT: For adolescents, teenagers, and some adults who cannot joke with their stomachs.

1. Buy something you know they like and make as if you’ll be sharing it with them or keeping left overs for them. Raise their hopes and expectations, but at the last minute, eat what you kept for them or give it to a total stranger.

2. If they can’t cook, you’re in luck. You’ll force them to make their own food and if they try to report you to your parents, hurry to cook the food and then oversalt it. But pretend like it’s a honest mistake. You can repeat this several times with different level of wickedness. This week, add too much salt. Next week, too much pepper. Upper week, make it watery. They’ll get the memo.


3. Soak their whites with coloured clothes and ruin their slay.

4. Offer to iron it and maybe scorch the edges a little. Claim that it’s a honest mistake.

5. Accidentally spill drinks or soup on them when they’re all peng and good looking. You get extra points if this happens in a public gathering. Don’t give me that look, please. We are both evil.

C. THE ACCESS PUNISHMENT: For siblings of all ages.

6. Simple as ABC: get access to their own key, misplace it by error so they are forced to depend on you. Now go out, lock the door and don’t return until nighttime. When they call you, don’t pick up.

7. Another way: Keep the key in an agreed spot. When you’re sure that they’ve gone out, go back and remove it. Drive them a little crazy when they return and start looking for key.

D. THE DIVINE TURNAROUND: For gullible last born children of any age.

Forget the fancy name, this is complete emotional manipulation. Here’s how you can deploy it:

8. Convince them to do something bad like take meat from the pot of stew or turn on the gen. You can even be the one to do these things, but you’ll make it look like you did it for them. When your parents start to complain, just remove yourself and offer them their favourite last born to beat. C’est finis.


9. Delay their pocket money.

10. Take them shopping and don’t buy a single thing for them.

11. When their friends visit, find something you can use to disgrace them.

It is what it is.

How To Be The ‘Perfect’ Nigerian First Born Child


Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.