What She Said: I Didn’t Like My Mum Until I Had Therapy

November 11, 2020

Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here. This is Zikoko’s What She Said.

The subject of this week’s What She Said is a 26-year-old Nigerian woman. She talks about the trauma she faced growing up with her mum, her dad leaving and how therapy improved her relationship with her mum.

Tell me about your earliest memory.

Growing up, I was very stubborn. I used to get into a lot of trouble, and my mum would beat me. There was a phase I was convinced she hated me. I used to ask if she was really my mother. 

Does any incident come to mind? 

I wouldn’t do my chores, so I would chop beating for that. If she asked me to do anything, I wouldn’t do it. I don’t remember my siblings getting beaten as much as I was.

Tell me about a striking memory of your mum.

I remember three distinct memories. When I was in primary school, I was smart. First to third — that was usually my position. There was one term I came tenth; my mother wanted to kill me. We lived in a face-me-I-face-you compound. She pursued me around it. I had to run for cover to my neighbour’s because she was going to beat the living daylight out of me.

Omo.

Another memory was in secondary school. After school, I would wait with my friend for her parent’s car to come pick her; meanwhile, I’d take a bus home. School closed at 3 p.m., and I would wait till 6 p.m., so I usually got home late. My mother would warn me, but I ignored her. One day, she got home before me. When I did, the beating no get part two.

The last memory I have is traumatic for me. I think I’ve forgiven her now. When I was 13, my landlady’s son had an older friend or family living with them. I and the guy were close. It was nothing sexual, and I know that a lot of adults cannot fathom when the opposite sexes are chummy with each other — for good reason, with all sexual assault stories we hear. Anyway, someone told my mum that I said I wanted to have sex with him. According to this person, I said: “I’m going to be 13 soon, so he can disvirgin me.”

She believed this person over me. At night, she came to room and asked me if I planned to be anything in life. She said other mean things. It affected our relationship and how I saw her.

I’m sorry you experienced this. 

It’s funny because I didn’t even have sex till I was 25.

What’s something that changes when you feel like you can’t trust your mum?

Our relationship was fraught. Since she didn’t trust me or believe me, I couldn’t confide in her. I confided in my sister or dad instead. My dad didn’t live with us — she did — so you’d expect she would know all my shit. But she didn’t have any idea, and it was largely because of that.

Where was your dad?

He was with his other family.

Oh?

He had two wives, and he lived with the other wife and kids. My mum is the second wife but she had the first child so she’s regarded as the first. My dad was really desperate for kids. People say the other wife jazzed him because he decided to stay with her. He used to visit occasionally. 

I— Tell me about your relationship with your sister.

Haha. We used to fight a lot, but we were close. I’m outspoken and she’s calm. It made other people think I was rude. Though she’s secretive, we share things. I told her when I had sex for the first time. She knew when I had a sugar daddy. She knows everything about me.

A particular memory is when I was a teenager, there was an older guy asking her to meet him in a funny place. She was going to go, and I followed her and stayed around.

Love it. Walk me through how you landed a sugar daddy. I’m asking for a friend.

In 2015 my friend, who was a runs girl, introduced me, but it never really took off because I was not sexually active. He literally just kissed me out of the blue and I was like huh? Last year, he reached out again, and I told him his actions were rapey. He apologised and we hung out. People get cars and houses from their sugar runs, but I got mostly change.

How did your relationship with your mum affect you?

I only saw her as a provider. I loved her because she was my mum and she got me things. 

How is your relationship with your mum now?

It’s better. I had to get therapy in 2018 because there was a period I resented her — everything she did irritated me. I see her as a person now. I’m more open with her though I didn’t tell her when I started having sex because I was trying to protect my good girl image that she had.  We’re consciously building our relationship.

When you say we, did she get therapy too?

No. But she was willing to admit she’s not infallible. I berated her for a lot of the mistakes that she made, especially with my dad. We also have a lot of conversations. I was going to organise therapy for my mum, but she doesn’t believe in it. “I go just sidon dey tell person my life? I no fit.”

How did you decide on therapy? 

I was working in a coaching organisation and I had free access to therapists. I’d used therapy for other issues and decided to try it with this. 

Tell me your happiest memory of your dad.

I don’t remember. When I got older — 17 — we started fighting a lot because I realised his shortcomings. It wasn’t just my mum with issues; he had his faults too. He died when in 2015. Now that I think about it, I may have daddy issues. 

Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their takes on everything from sex to politics right here.

Zikoko Donation Banner

Help Zikoko keep making the content you love

More than ever, people are turning to Zikoko for stories that matter and content they love. But still, we, like many media organisations, are feeling the financial heat of these times. If you find us valuable, please make a contribution to help keep Zikoko zikoko-ing.

Thank you for your support.

We are also cool with Crypto.

Donation Close
Zikoko Logo

Complete Your Commitment

Donation confirm

Your Contribution is confirmed! Amount

Ruka

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

October 6, 2020

They said something about how I fit the description of an accomplice for some yahoo boys around the area because of my nose ring and face. They didn’t even do the routine Nigerian police “may we meet you,” they just asked me to open my car door and get out. I mean, I had to because they had guns.

November 16, 2020

Having big breasts is like a curse and a blessing. More times, it is problematic asf. From harassment to back pain to bra shopping, these are some of the problems women with big breasts face.

Watch

Now on Zikoko

Recommended Quizzes

December 5, 2019

We already tried to guess how much you have in your account and your current net worth, and we think we did a pretty great job (keep any complaints to yourself). Now, we’re going to try and guess your monthly salary based on your relationship with money. Oya, take the quiz: 11 Timed Quizzes For […]

November 27, 2019

Do you have a face that could make angels jealous, or should you really be walking around with a nylon bag over your head so you don’t scare children? Well, this quiz is here to answer that by telling you exactly how good-looking you are. Take and find out: 11 Quizzes For People Who Aren’t […]

November 14, 2019

The fourth season of Big Brother Naija came to an end over a month ago, but the conversation surrounding the housemates is far from over. So, in a bid to keep the fire burning, we decided to create a quiz that tells you which famous member of the ‘Pepper Dem’ gang is your soulmate. Take […]

November 11, 2019

Everyone has something to say about what kind of person they are. But how well do we truthfully evaluate these things? Not that much, I can assure you. The average person is always lying to themselves to make sure they look good. But you know what and who doesn’t lie? Zikoko quizzes that’s what. Take […]

More from Her

January 15, 2021

Dear men, you never know what to do after you send a woman pictures? Well, we are here to help. 1) Send us money Looking at your beautiful pictures has caused us eye pains because your beauty is blinding. You have to pay for eye treatments. 2) Buy us a new wig Your beauty just […]

January 14, 2021

Infertility is something Nigerian women sometimes struggle with. With a lot of importance placed on women’s ability to have children, what happens when you cannot? Four Nigerian women share their individual struggles with infertility. Kemi My sister is 40, and has been trying for a baby for about ten years. I think few years into […]

What She Said
January 13, 2021

For this week’s what she said, we talk to Uju Anya, a 44-year-old woman. She tells us about leaving Nigeria with her mum because of her abusive dad, discovering she is lesbian, not bisexual, and becoming an atheist. Let’s start from the beginning. Where did you grow up? I was born in the city of […]

January 11, 2021

A hijabi can be explained as a muslim woman who wears a hijab. We got 10 Nigerian women to share why they started wearing a hijab, and how being a hijabi is dealing with a lot of identity erasure, stereotyping, fetishization, and Boko Haram “jokes”. Halima, 22 I was motivated to start wearing the hijab […]

January 5, 2021

After asking some Nigerian women to share why they do not want children, we asked some that do have children if they regret the decision. These four Nigerian women share why they regret having kids. Abimbola, 44 Maybe regret might be a strong word because I absolutely adore my children, but since I turned forty, […]

January 4, 2021

New year’s eve is the one day in the year that carries the hopes of millions of people around the globe. It is the day we round up and settle all affairs of the previous year while looking forward to a new year. Today, I asked Nigerian women about how they spent their new year’s […]

January 4, 2021

We live in a society where having kids is expected of every woman, but there are some that do not want them, and will never want them. So, we asked some Nigerian women why they do not want children. Olamide, 34 When I was a teenager, I always told everyone that I was going to […]

Women Stories 2020
December 30, 2020

This year, we documented a wide range of experiences from women of all backgrounds. In today’s What She Said, we highlight some of these stories. From the divorcee dating again to the first-class law graduate, these are stories of women living life on their own terms — our 2020 must-reads! 1. What She Said: What […]

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X