#ToHER: I Know You Three Have Each Other in Heaven (Part 1)

June 19, 2022

We bring to you letters written by women to women they love, miss, cherish or just remember. To celebrate the support women continue to show each other, this is #ToHER.

Trigger Warning: This story deals with pregnancy loss and self-harm

From: Maria, a woman grieving the loss of her three daughters

To: Sapphire, Harmony and Melody, her sweet girls

My loves,

I miss you all so much. I have so much to say. Yet, I don’t know what to say. I’ve spent months trying to find the words. I still can’t get it right.

I’m 26 and supposed to be a mother to you three amazing girls. But I’m not. Nobody tells you about the struggles of losing a baby: the bond you form before they’re born, the feeling of knowing you’ll never see or hold them again.  I found out exactly how that feels with my first loss at 23. 

Sapphire, or Jesumunumidun as your grandmother fondly called you, I’m sorry I failed you as a mother. 

When I met your father, I was young. At 22, I thought I’d found the man I’d spend the rest of my life with. But after a year of dating and six months of marriage, the fairytale ended. He cheated. And I was too fragile to take the news when he confessed.

RELATED: How I Caught My Ex Cheating

After that, mummy got depressed and suicidal. And my decision to overdose on Advil cost you your life, Sapphire. I should’ve fought harder, but realising your father had been with another woman was too much to bear. When I woke up in the hospital, the doctors promised we’d be okay. I believed them because I couldn’t imagine being alive without you. 

April 11th — I’ll never forget the day I realised I’d never get to see you. I couldn’t feel anything at first. I didn’t know how to grieve. I’m so sorry I didn’t give you a chance to live, Sapphire. I should’ve endured the hurt and persevered through it, but I was selfish. And the guilt has eaten me up every single day. I still wish it was me and not you who had to suffer the consequences of my heartbreak. 

On some days, I hold on to the eight months I had you in my belly. You know, your dad and I got married because we found out I was two months pregnant with you. You made us a family. 

RELATED: 7 Things That Go Through Your Mind When You Have a Pregnancy Scare

I love to think about how happy you made me. How you moved around at the slightest sound. Your kicks when you heard your dad’s voice or mine sing. I laugh at how you made me crave ice cream even though I’m lactose intolerant. You made mummy so happy, Sapphire. And I’ll cherish those memories forever. 

I hope you know there’s nothing more I wanted in life than to be your mummy. This letter isn’t perfect, but it’s the closest I can get to expressing how much I’ve missed you. You would’ve been the best big sister to Harmony and Melody. But I know you three have each other in heaven. 

With all my love,

Mum

Watch out for the second part of Maria’s letter next week Sunday on #ToHER

ALSO READ: Everyone Quickly Moves On From Your Miscarriage Except You

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