We bring to you letters written by women to women they love, miss, cherish or just remember. To celebrate the support women continue to show each other, this is #ToHER.
Trigger Warning: This story deals with pregnancy loss and self-harm
From: Maria, a woman grieving the loss of her three daughters
To: Sapphire, Harmony and Melody, her sweet girls
I miss you all so much. I have so much to say. Yet, I don’t know what to say. I’ve spent months trying to find the words. I still can’t get it right.
I’m 26 and supposed to be a mother to you three amazing girls. But I’m not. Nobody tells you about the struggles of losing a baby: the bond you form before they’re born, the feeling of knowing you’ll never see or hold them again. I found out exactly how that feels with my first loss at 23.
Sapphire, or Jesumunumidun as your grandmother fondly called you, I’m sorry I failed you as a mother.
When I met your father, I was young. At 22, I thought I’d found the man I’d spend the rest of my life with. But after a year of dating and six months of marriage, the fairytale ended. He cheated. And I was too fragile to take the news when he confessed.
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After that, mummy got depressed and suicidal. And my decision to overdose on Advil cost you your life, Sapphire. I should’ve fought harder, but realising your father had been with another woman was too much to bear. When I woke up in the hospital, the doctors promised we’d be okay. I believed them because I couldn’t imagine being alive without you.
April 11th — I’ll never forget the day I realised I’d never get to see you. I couldn’t feel anything at first. I didn’t know how to grieve. I’m so sorry I didn’t give you a chance to live, Sapphire. I should’ve endured the hurt and persevered through it, but I was selfish. And the guilt has eaten me up every single day. I still wish it was me and not you who had to suffer the consequences of my heartbreak.
On some days, I hold on to the eight months I had you in my belly. You know, your dad and I got married because we found out I was two months pregnant with you. You made us a family.
I love to think about how happy you made me. How you moved around at the slightest sound. Your kicks when you heard your dad’s voice or mine sing. I laugh at how you made me crave ice cream even though I’m lactose intolerant. You made mummy so happy, Sapphire. And I’ll cherish those memories forever.
I hope you know there’s nothing more I wanted in life than to be your mummy. This letter isn’t perfect, but it’s the closest I can get to expressing how much I’ve missed you. You would’ve been the best big sister to Harmony and Melody. But I know you three have each other in heaven.
With all my love,
Watch out for the second part of Maria’s letter next week Sunday on #ToHER