What She Said: Everyone Quickly Moves On From Your Miscarriage Except You

November 4, 2020

Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here. This is Zikoko’s What She Said.

Suffering a miscarriage can be devasting for a woman. For this week’s What She Said, I spoke to two women who suffered miscarriages. They talk about the experience; how it made them feel and how it affected their relationships with their partners. 

Mfon, 32

It was my second pregnancy. I was about five months gone. The doctors said I had an iron deficiency, and bed rest was recommended. Problem was, I was super stressed out by some events going on in my marriage. My husband and I were constantly fighting about one thing or the other. Mostly about his infidelity, but that’s another story.  I was also the only one at home, so I couldn’t afford to rest.

That particular day, I was in the kitchen cooking when my knees started to hurt. I couldn’t take a break because I had to cook because my in-laws were visiting later. I felt so much pain. I thought it was a cramp. I did my breathing exercise and tried to wait it out. Then I noticed that my dark leggings was getting soaked with my blood. 

My husband was unavailable. I had to drive myself for over an hour to the hospital. My car seat was soaked in blood. I went to the hospital, and they told me that I had a miscarriage. I was in so much shock that when I got home, I went into the kitchen with my bloody leggings and finished cooking. 

My in-laws came that day, and I served them food like nothing happened. I felt hollow, empty. For the longest time, I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror because I felt I had failed my baby. My marriage suffered because of the miscarriage because everyone seemed to move on quickly, and I was stuck dreaming about a baby I never had. 

Ella, 23

I got pregnant for the first time when I was 22. I found out I was pregnant two months after conception. I quickly went to get my copper IUD removed. Everything was fine until the day I had an argument with my partner. I went to lie down afterwards, and when I woke up, I was covered in blood. In that moment, I didn’t know what to do but I knew what had happened. The moment I saw the blood, I knew I had lost my baby. 

I crawled to the bathroom and texted my partner to come home immediately. I genuinely felt like I was dying. There was blood everywhere, my bed, the bathroom, the toilet seat because I sat on it. 

I didn’t want to call my mum who was not in the country at the time nor did I want to call my partner’s mother. Calling her would make it feel real, and I just wanted to be sure. I couldn’t get myself to go to a hospital for two weeks. The guilt and need to blame someone or something made me attempt suicide. 

When I finally decided to go to the hospital, I took a test that confirmed I wasn’t pregnant anymore. Apparently, taking my IUD out after two months of pregnancy played a role in the miscarriage. I had the option of getting my cervix dilated or getting on medication because all the blood tissue did not get out. I opted for prescription drugs. I didn’t want anything getting between my legs. After that, I had a pelvic ultrasound and an X-ray of my uterus.

I wasn’t myself for about six months. I was in physical pain for a week; the rest was emotional. I didn’t find out the sex of the child, so I had splurged on all types of baby things. Imagine having to throw everything away. 

I resented my partner for the longest time. If we didn’t have that argument maybe it wouldn’t have happened. We were supposed to get married this year and now, this whole thing is making me rethink that decision. 

Opening up today about this has made me see the need for a therapist. 

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