We bring to you letters written by women to women they love, miss, cherish or just remember. To celebrate the support women continue to show each other, this is #ToHER.
From: the woman who lowkey misses her university bestie
To: Leila, the bestie she lost over a breakup
I’m writing this on a plane. I’m finally leaving the trenches called Nigeria, and I wanted to say goodbye. We never really got a chance to see each other again since we finished school in 2019. And I want to finally be honest about how I’ve felt over the years. I’m going to be in a different country, so what’s the worst that can happen?
If I’m being honest, we weren’t meant to be friends. Becoming so close happened by chance because if my friend, Caleb, hadn’t been crushing on you in our first year of uni, I probably wouldn’t have noticed we were in the same class. We were over a 100, so don’t blame me. Caleb was like a best friend to me, so when you both started dating at the end of our first year, you became my friend by proxy. I didn’t have a choice.
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Don’t get me wrong, I loved you for all the reasons Caleb loved you and probably more. You were goofy, sweet, and you could relate to my obsession with The Vampire Diaries. But even with those cute things I loved about you, our arguments made it difficult to keep being friends.
When people say three is a crowd, I completely understand what they mean now. I lived it for the remaining four years of uni. First, you hated seeing me and Caleb study without you. Then, you hated him cooking for the both of us. Our arguments escalated to Caleb not treating you the same way as me. I had to take a step back at that point. There was way too much drama over one boy.
You tried to reconnect in our third year to “experience our friendship outside of me being Caleb’s friend”, in your own words. I was down for that. We slept over at each other’s hostels, did assignments together and planned every birthday together since we were born a day apart. I’d forgotten Caleb was supposed to be my best friend by our fourth year. Everything in my life was suddenly happening with you. So when you broke up after university, I didn’t expect it to affect us, especially after I gave up that friendship for you.
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But you completely shut down like I couldn’t be the friend you needed. I left messages and called; I tried everything I could to help. At some point, I had to give you the space you were silently asking for. I missed you a lot. A year went by and you didn’t even try to call me. There were so many transitions happening in my life, and I didn’t have anyone to share them with. So I didn’t feel guilty when Caleb and I became close again. You’d made your decision to be a ghost, and I accepted that.
It’s been three years since the breakup, and now, we’re saying “hellos” and “his” like the last three years didn’t happen. It’s infuriating to act like we didn’t call each other sisters at some point, Leila.
I wish a guy didn’t have so much power over our connection. Now that I’m moving away, I think it’s important to remind you that I’ll probably always love you. The shallowness our friendship has reached doesn’t change the love we shared as friends in university.
I’ll always root for you.
With all my love,
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