We’re bringing to you letters written by women to women they love, miss, cherish or just remember. To celebrate the support women continue to show each other, this is #ToHER.

From:  The woman who’d tired of playing the supportive friend

To: Christiana, the friend she wants back

Dear Christiana, 

We started out as acquaintances but ended up being as close as sisters. So thinking about how we grew distant still hurts. I’m writing this letter in the hopes that you’d read it and want to be friends again or at least try.

Before we met, I felt out of place in my class. I’d been trying to get into uni through diploma classes, but I ended up not getting the course I wanted. None of my old friends was in my new class and I didn’t know how to make new friends. It was easier sneaking in and out of every lecture, to say “hi” to my old friends. instead But all of that changed when I finally noticed you in class.

I still wonder how I’d never seen you until that day you rushed into class late. Maybe it was the huge tote bag you carried or the way you walked in. I instantly wanted to be friends but I didn’t know-how. So imagine my joy when I realised we had some mutual friends. I hung out with them more to get closer to you because I wanted you to notice me. I even started staying after lectures to feature in every conversation you were in. That’s how much I wanted our friendship. 

After a few weeks, we moved in the same circles. We laughed at the same jokes and yabbed lecturers too. It was great seeing that warm and friendly side of you. We’d never hung out without our group of friends, but I considered you my friend already. Close enough for me to call you Christy. I thought you felt that connection too until things changed three years later.

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That year came with pressure. We were in our final year and everyone wanted to graduate with good grades. It had a way of making people distant. But for us, the pressure only brought us closer. While other classmates struggled to get me to tutor them, I gave you unbridled access to me and my brain. I really did care about you. I’d text almost every day asking about your weak points and offering pictures of my notes and explanations. We were tight, Christy. What changed?

Beyond preparing for our final exams, I supported everything you did.  When you started your pastry business, I supported you like family. I told everyone about you, bought cakes from you when I could — I did everything. You talked about how grateful you were for my support. You felt I had your back and it brought us closer. So again Christy, what changed?

Immediately after our final exam, you became distant. I thought I’d done something wrong, but you wouldn’t text me back when I asked what the problem was. Then I’d see your Whatsapp stories with cakes and doughnuts while you left our chat unread. It hurt going from talking every day to barely texting each other. Actually, I couldn’t believe it happened. 

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You see Christy, I was used to being rejected when I asked anyone to be my friend. You were the one person that didn’t turn me down. So understand when I say that the distance between us hurt. We read in several lecture halls, cracked jokes in between, cooked and shared food together. I was happy and you were all I talked about. Even my boyfriend was tired of hearing about Christy. Losing that bond between us didn’t make sense to me. 

Christiana, I’ll spare you the narration because I’m sure you remember the rest. If you ever read this, please know that I mourn the fact that our friendship ended. I don’t just want to comment “Well done” on every pastry you post. I want to be real friends again, not just “Mary, the supportive woman” to you.

But if nothing changes, know that I still think of you as my friend.



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