Whether men like it or not, the streets (aka women) will always try to tell us what to do with our bodies even when it’s not their business. Obviously, we don’t like it, but it’s just what society dishes to us for being the weak ones #MenHaveRightsToo.
And one thing they’ll never stop talking about is our choice of underwear. Why? So you mean to tell me that as a man, whenever I’m walking down the streets of Lagos, women are just thinking about what I’m wearing beneath my clothes?
As a man, I’m here to tell you the pros and cons of all the types of underwear you choose to wear. Don’t listen to women.
These bad boys
Source: Hanes
Pros: Your blokos will breathe and have room to dangle around. Also, you don’t need pyjamas. Just throw one of these bad boys on and you’re good to go to bed.
Cons: Women will shame you because you remind them of their father. Imagine toasting a woman, and when you eventually get the chance to hit, she starts crying when she sees your boxers because her dad had the exact same type.
Also, if your John-Thomas decides to rise when you wear these, the chances that they’ll be seen through your trousers are pretty high.
Boxer briefs
Pros: Nobody can insult you. Apparently, these are what women want us to wear. And let’s not lie, they look sexy and are comfortable as fuck.
Cons: Depending on the material and brand quality, they could stop your balls from getting air. Sometimes, they roll up the thighs and are uncomfortable too.
Pros: These OGs are a personal favourite. They’re comfortable, go with any outfit, and pretty much keep everything where you left them. Even when your soldier is standing at attention, nobody will know.
Cons: Again, women (and sometimes fellow men) will try and mock you for your choice. Also, if the weather is hot, you’re in trouble.
Pro tip: use dusting powder.
And now for the recommendations
My brothers, let’s try to switch things up na
Source: iiniim
Look at these bad boys. The only con here is that other men will see you and try to copy you. And when you really think about it, is it really a con, or are you being an influencer?
They call these “jockstraps”
Source: Jockboxunderwear.com
And the only question you can ask when you look at this picture is, “Why the fuck not?”
And finally
Imagine dating a guy that doesn’t wear G-string 😢😢
If you’ve ever thought for a second what your mum taking edibles would look like, this perfectly describes it.
1:35 p.m.
It’s Sunday. Mumsi is home alone. She didn’t go to church today because she’s feeling tired after yesterday’s owambe. She cannot come and kill herself. When will her own daughter get married? She opens the freezer to look for what to eat and sees a cake. “Ahn ahn, Elizabeth had cake in this house, and she didn’t tell me? Na wa o. When she comes back, she won’t see it here.”
The cake has three slices. She puts two on a small plate and goes to sit in front of the TV. “Let’s see what is showing on Africa Magic.”
2:03 p.m.
She’s laughing uncontrollably. Ah, this Odunlade is funny o. See how he’s just making me laugh.
2:10 p.m.
She’s still giggling. This time, she’s on the floor. Something’s not right. This is the fourth time she’s watching this movie na. Didn’t she see this scene before? This isn’t even Odunlade’s funniest movie. “Omolara, you’re 54; please control yourself. Ahn ahn.”
Maybe she just needs to sleep. She checks and sees that there are only 30 minutes left in the movie. She’ll sleep after.
40 minutes later…
These Africa Magic people have started doing nonsense with the timing of these movies. Why hasn’t this movie ended? She checks the time again… only five minutes have passed.
2:15 p.m.
Ehn?
Now, it feels like the floor is moving. Time seems to be going… but also not going. “Omolara, what is happening?”
2:35 p.m.
She’s speaking in tongues now. “Every spiritual attack on my family, die by fire! Every evil arrow of insanity targeted at me, back to sender!” Everything still feels funny and loopy, but she doesn’t care. She’s battling it out in the place of prayer.
After praying for what seems like an eternity, she realises only five minutes have passed again.
She cannot handle this battle alone. Reverend has to step in.
She calls her husband, “Daddy Eliza, be coming home now now! Bring pastor with you. We are under spiritual attack! Be fast, be fast!” She’s too paranoid to explain, but they need to get to the house as soon as they can.
3:06 p.m.
She’s been lying in one position since the call, waiting for pastor and Daddy Eliza to get home, when she suddenly remembers Elizabeth. What if the devil is attacking her too?
“Hello, Elizabeth! Start coming home now now!
Which stupid photoshoot? I said our family is under attack, you’re talking about photoshoot. Ma stress mi, omo yi. Take a bike and find your way to this house, please.”
Elizabeth’s POV
3:06 p.m.
She’s rushing out of her photoshoot. The photographer is confused. “I’m so so so sorry. I have to go. Urgent family issues. I’ll text you.”
4:33 p.m.
She’s finally at the house gate. Traffic was bad; daddy hasn’t picked any of his calls. She’s super scared. As she enters the compound, she sees an extra car. Reverend’s Sienna. What’s happening?
She enters the house and hears shouts from the living room.
Her mum is on the floor, rolling and speaking in tongues. She’s never seen her dad cry before, but he’s kneeling beside her, wailing. Pastor is praying over them both. As he sees her, he points to her.
“My daughter, come and join them. Your family is under attack! Your mother doesn’t know what is wrong with her. Kneel down, kneel down!”
Confused, she kneels. She’s saying amen. But something catches her eyes. There’s a white plate on the table with chocolate smudges.
“Pastor, please I want to use the bathroom.”
She goes to the freezer to check on her edibles. There’s just one slice left. She doesn’t know whether to laugh, cry, tell them the truth or go back to join the prayers. Has she not chopped generational curses like this?
8:30 p.m.
Mumsi is finally asleep. She started feeling better by like 6 p.m. but things were still looking like they were moving. For her red eyes, she’s set an appointment with the optician for Monday morning. Pastor is sleeping in the guest room just in case the attack starts again.
The devil almost won, but for now, glory be to God.
Imagine your crush sleeping, and it’s not you they’re dreaming about. What type of nonsense is that? We’ve written this article because this can’t go on. It needs to be fixed ASAP.
Use these tested and proven techniques to ensure you’re really the person of your crush’s dreams from now till forever.
Put their picture under your pillow
This is probably the easiest way to enter the dreams of the person of your dreams. Just put their picture under your pillow and ensure you’re asleep before them. This one doesn’t work all the time sha. For example, you might not be the only one with their picture under your pillow. Since all these days, Rihanna’s picture has been under my pillow and I’m certain I’ve not appeared in any of her dreams.
Put your picture under their pillow
This one is high risk, high reward. If you can get in your crush’s bedroom in the first place, why do you still need them to see you in their dreams? In any case, this one will 100% work — as long as they don’t know the picture is there before they go to bed.
Blow dusting powder on their profile picture at exactly 4:44 a.m.
Why 4:44 a.m.? You’ve already failed. Don’t ask questions. Just do it.
Set an alarm to send them a “Have you eaten?” text every 15 minutes, and they’ll always think about you. It’s only if they have coconut heads they won’t see you in their dreams after such persistence.
Act in a Mount Zion horror film
I still have the demons from the Mount Zion films I watched as a child chasing me in my dreams. Why not put the platform to good use? Be on the lookout for casting calls, and when you inevitably act as a demon who eats people because they stole ₦50, ensure your crush watches the movie.
Become a witch/wizard
That way, you’ll even be their spirit partner. Instead of just appearing in their dream as an insignificant part of the story, be the protagonist. Nobody wants a spirit husband or wife until they get one that takes perfect care of them. Be the one who makes a difference.
Actually ask them out
So that they’ll endlessly dream about the look on your face when they rejected you.
First of all, where did women even get the audacity to send us, alpha males, on petty errands such as ironing their clothes? It’s the fault of FemCo, Fumilayo Ransome Kuti and the first ever man to agree to this nonsense. Let me tell you now, men hate ironing women’s clothes.
In fact, these are the things men would rather do than iron women’s clothes:
Chew their jeans
I’d personally eat a bucket of stones before agreeing to iron a woman’s lace. Whyyy are they so complex?
Refuse to kiss their homeboys goodnight
Do you know what it means to ABSTAIN from platonically kissing your homeboys goodnight on the lips? If the choices were between doing this and ironing women’s clothes, many men would sadly pick the former. That shows you how much we hate ironing women’s clothes.
Abstain from lying
Imagine waking up and deciding not to lie. As a man, you might not be able to wrap your head around this concept. But if what was at stake was not having to iron some shimi or palazzo ever again, my brother, you’d consider it.
“The hardest choices require the strongest wills.” – Oluwathanos Olajide. Some things are more important than your innate desire to cheat.
Stop arguing Messi vs Ronaldo
Imagine a world where the names Messi and Rolando come up and nobody argues. Where you just hear, “Yeah, I guess they’re both good footballers.” That’s a world where men have had to sacrifice so much to never again iron women’s clothes.
Throw away their console
Hey babe. Would you rather throw away your PS5 or iron this stoned lace six-piece gown?
But if you eventually fall into the Godforsaken trap of women, and have to iron their clothes, here’s what you should do?
The trick is just run the iron over the cloth and give it back to them in a hanger. They'll hardly notice. https://t.co/11NIGsCY19
Every week, Zikoko seeks to understand how people move the Naira in and out of their lives. Some stories will be struggle-ish, others will be bougie. All the time, it’ll be revealing.
Leadway offers simple insurance products that protect you and everything you care about. From your personal belongings, to your health, your life, and that of your family. Sign up on Leadway Assurance to learn more and get started.
The 35-year-old electrician on today’s #NairaLife worked for eight years after secondary school before he could go to university to study electrical engineering. Now, he has an electronics shop and does contracts on the side, but he wants more.
Tell me your earliest memory of money
I don’t have a specific memory of money from when I was a child. I just know we didn’t have a lot. I grew up in Lagos, my mum sold fruits in bulk to retailers and my dad was a painter. From time to time, I got money to take to school and to buy snacks. That was it.
What was home like?
Not so great, to be honest. My parents were always fighting. They had deep marriage wahala. When I was 10, they separated. Daddy sent me to live with his older brother in Ogun state, and my younger sister stayed with my mum.
How long did you stay there for?
Like five years. I moved there in 1997, so there was no phone to talk to my mum for those five years. In that entire period, I only saw her twice when she came to visit me.
Must’ve been tough
It was. No matter how close you are to the people you’re staying with, they can’t replace your parents. I was always cautious around them, and I couldn’t fully be a child. You can’t just go and lay down on your aunty or hug her like a child would their mum. And when you have stuff to talk about, it can’t be with them. Thankfully, they treated me very well, so that made things a bit more bearable.
Did your dad ever visit?
He didn’t visit; he didn’t send money. Nothing. It was my mum who found ways to consistently send money, foodstuff and clothes through market people travelling through Ogun state.
What did you do when you got back to Lagos?
I moved back with my mum and continued secondary school. Between looking for a new school and writing entrance exams, I eventually finished in 2004. Immediately after, I became an electrician’s apprentice.
Why?
I wanted to study electrical engineering in university. That’s what I’d always wanted since I was a child. I spoilt many appliances at home just because I found a screwdriver and started opening them. I liked seeing what the insides looked like and how they worked; people were already calling me “engineer”.
But my mum didn’t have money to send me to school, so I decided instead of waiting around, I’d just start learning the trade, and when money comes, I’d go to university.
How did that go?
I learnt very fast. By my third month, people in the area already knew I was an electrician, and they’d call me to fix small things in their houses. The first money I made was ₦200 to replace a neighbour’s socket. I was so happy.
How long were you an apprentice for?
I stopped being an apprentice in 2008 and started working on my own. Apart from people calling me to fix stuff in their houses, if bigger electricians had building contracts, they would call me to work with them on site and pay me like ₦2k a day till the work was complete. The money I was making was just enough to survive. Sometimes, when I was dead broke, my mum would give me money.
In 2009, I made my first ₦100k. A deacon in our church, who was also the principal of a school that wanted to set up a computer lab, gave me the project of setting it up. That was my first ever personal contract, and omo, ₦100k was really good money for me. I don’t remember everything I did with the money, but I know I bought a few clothes and some tools for my work.
Was school still in the plans?
Oh yes. After four years of working on my own, I could send myself to school, and that’s what I did. I went to a federal university four hours from Lagos to study electrical engineering from 2012 to 2017. The first few months of school were tough because I’d spent almost all my money — which wasn’t a lot — on fees, moving to school and registration. But after my first semester, I got a house contract that paid me decent money to survive for a few months. After that, I travelled to Lagos every other weekend to service clients. That’s how I survived school.
You already had hands-on knowledge of the stuff you were learning. Was school worth it?
Yes, yes, yes. Knowing the theory of your work is very important o. I even noticed my work as an electrician improved as I progressed in school. If I do some work and someone who just learnt as an apprentice does the same thing, you’d see the difference in quality. Why should I use a thick wire instead of a thin one for this project? As an apprentice, I didn’t know. It was in school I learnt the calculations and justifications.
Did your coursemates know you were an electricia— electrical engineer? Is it electrician or electrical engineer?
They’re the same thing. It depends on who I’m talking to. I can’t go to a big company and say I’m an electrician. They’ll look at me like I’m a joke. I have to say electrical engineer and even mention I studied electrical engineering in school. But in the streets, I’m an electrician. That’s what people want to hear.
And yes, a few of my classmates knew. Just the ones I was close to. It’s not like I was hiding it, but I didn’t do any electrician work on campus, so it only came up in conversations with friends.
What was the plan for after university?
My big plan was, and still is, to have a company where I hire engineers and we write proposals and bid for big electrical projects. But to do that, you need to have money.
I returned to Lagos and continued my electrician work after school. A few months later, I decided to rent an apartment. Since 2009, I’d been switching from living with my mum to living with my pastor. I wanted to be on my own for the first time. So I rented a room and parlour somewhere in Ogun state. I just found out the price — ₦100k per year — and decided to rent it.
Why Ogun state?
It was a new estate where I was called to do the wiring of some of the houses. I could pull together the money to pay for rent, so I thought, “Since this place is just opening up, I’ll be the only electrician here and get a lot of business from residents who might need my services.” I didn’t o. The only business I got was from Lagos, so I had to travel there every week. Sometimes, I travelled to work somewhere, and they gave me ₦2k for my workmanship. It’s that same ₦2k I used to transport myself back home.
My rent was from December 2017 to December 2018. After that, I moved to a tiny self-contain in Lagos that also cost ₦100k a year, and just roughed out 2019. Some contracts here; some site work there.
How do you get contracts?
Recommendations from people I’ve worked for. Site work is different because I’m not the one who gets the job. It’s the electricians who get contracts that contact me to come and work for them. But I stopped doing site work in 2020 when I opened my shop.
Tell me about it
The government was doing a major road repair near where I lived, and people’s houses were being demolished. One man saw his demolished house as an opportunity to create a shop that faced the road, so he said whoever could turn it into a shop could take it.
Without rent?
We arranged that whatever amount I spent on fixing the shop would be taken out of my rent. Then, we agreed on ₦3k a month as rent. I spent about ₦160k fixing the place, so I got the place for over four years.
Mad
In that same period, I got my biggest electrical contract. After paying workers and removing transportation and feeding, I made a profit of ₦400k.
Before that, an uncle in the UK asked what I was doing with my life and if I needed any support from him. I told him I needed ₦500k to set up a shop. He only had ₦100k which he sent. So I added the ₦400k I made from the contract and bought ₦500k worth of electrical appliances like lamp holders, bulbs, sockets and extension boxes.
Did you know how to sell?
No. But I’d been an electrician for years. I could convince customers to choose a product and knew the right terms to use.
I got the shop because I was tired of staying at home, eating and sleeping when I wasn’t on a job. I needed a reason to leave the house in the morning and return at night.
Has the shop been profitable?
Yes! The good thing about electrical goods is they don’t expire. And I can’t make losses because I never sell anything cheaper than the cost price.
How much profit do you make from the shop on an average month?
I’d say about ₦150k a month. But then, if I had to be away for something, the shop would be locked. Now, I have a sales rep who’s always there, so let’s say it brings like ₦160k to ₦170k a month.
And contracts?
They don’t come every month. A small project can make me ₦50k while bigger ones make me between ₦100k and ₦400k. Sometimes, contracts bring profit to my shop because I buy materials from myself.
Do you have any plans to change things in the future?
I want to expand my shop. I want to make it a place where people, even companies, can find anything they want in bulk. When I make solid money from that, I’ll open my company with engineers sending proposals. I’m not considering it now because it’s hard to set up things like that in Nigeria. You need plenty money to pay people to get things in place.
Tell me how you spend money in a month
The rest of the money goes into restocking the business.
No black tax?
Not every month. My mum works and has her own money. It’s only if she needs emergency money she calls me.
And your dad?
He passed away years ago.
What’s one thing you want but can’t afford right now?
Hmmm. A car. Yes, a car. Running around doing all this work without a car is stressful. I carry cables and jump buses and bikes. I definitely want a car.
On a scale of 1-10, how happy are you?
I don’t want to put a number to it. Let’s just say I’m content.
Leadway offers simple insurance products that protect you and everything you care about. From your personal belongings, to your health, your life, and that of your family. Sign up on Leadway Assurance to learn more and get started.
Every week, Zikoko seeks to understand how people move the Naira in and out of their lives. Some stories will be struggle-ish, others will be bougie. All the time, it’ll be revealing.
Leadway offers simple insurance products that protect you and everything you care about. From your personal belongings, to your health, your life, and that of your family. Sign up on Leadway Assurance to learn more and get started.
When we asked the 19-year-old on this week’s #NairaLife about the ASUU strikes stopping him from graduating, he replied, “I don’t mind. They should take their time.” And why not? He’s a millionaire.
What’s —
My earliest memory of money?
LMAO, yes
I used to collect ₦10 from my mum for school, and I spent it on Tosco every single day. Good times.
Tosco?
It was a popular yoghurt brand in Kaduna where I grew up.
Tell me about growing up in Kaduna
It’s a pretty great place to live. If you remove the fear and insecurity that comes with living in Northern Nigeria, it’s perfect. I’m Yoruba, and I never really learnt to speak Hausa, but the Hausa people around me were always super nice. When I moved to Ilorin for school in 2018, I also realised the north is super cheap. The foodstuff you’d buy for ₦100 in Kaduna was ₦300 in Ilorin and maybe even more expensive in Lagos.
And your family?
We were pretty comfortable. I grew up with two sisters. My dad was a doctor who worked in Kano before he died, and my mum was a teacher in my school. We could afford three meals a day, extra money to buy snacks, new clothes, toys, everything we wanted, really.
When did you lose your dad?
Ten years ago (2012). I was 9.
Did things change for your family after he passed away?
Thanks to my mum, no. The only reason she was a teacher was that she wanted to have time to take care of us. She was a certified accountant, which meant she was in charge of my family’s finances even when my dad was alive. So no matter how much we spent, we always saved and maybe even invested. My dad’s death didn’t change the way we lived.
What did you study in university?
You mean what do I study. ASUU strike is holding me from graduating o.
Ouch. So what do you study?
Water resources and environmental engineering. And no, I didn’t choose it. I finished secondary school in 2017 and couldn’t get in to study electrical engineering the first time, so I had to wait for a year. 2018 came and I still couldn’t get in, so I just accepted what they gave me.
What career did you plan to get into after school?
Oh, I just wanted to be a professor. I still do. I think I fell in love with teaching in senior secondary school when people who didn’t understand commerce and accounting — my mum’s subjects — would meet me, and I’d give them extra lessons.
When was the first ASUU strike you experienced?
The one that kept us out of school almost throughout 2020. Honestly, I didn’t care about the strike. I just wanted to stay at home and sleep.
Professor professor
LMAO, please. It’s not like the Nigerian education system is great anyways.
Did you use that period to build any skills?
By 2020, I’d already been coding for eight years and —
Pause. What?
There’s a game we had on our home desktop — Tank Racer. I liked it so much I wanted to build my own game. So I went online and researched how to make computer games. I found C and C++ but it was too complicated for my 9-year-old brain so I settled for learning a version of JAVA and Python 2.7 online. I also started learning HTML and CSS.
How did you know to do these things?
I had an uncle who was a computer science student, so I asked him questions, and another uncle who visited us regularly and taught me how to use the internet to get information. One of my mum’s students introduced me to W3Schools where I learnt HTML and CSS. Also, I grew up with a desktop at home, so using computers wasn’t a problem for me.
In 2013, I found out about the National Institute of Information and Technology (NIIT) through a radio ad calling for people who wanted to learn programming to apply for a scholarship. I registered, and when I went to write the exam, I was the only child there.
What type of exam was it?
A simple IQ-type test. Like advanced quantitative reasoning. A few weeks later, they called my mum to say I got 95% in the exam and they wanted me to resume the scholarship.
A genius
But I didn’t go. I was a child. I couldn’t attend the program myself after school, and my mum was busy, so we just decided to wait one year and write the scholarship exam again to see if I would qualify. 2014, I got 97%. But there was terrorism in the north, so my mum decided I should be at home as much as possible. Once again, I didn’t take the scholarship.
What I did instead was visit a neighbour who was a WordPress developer. I would do this every day, watching him work and learning from him. By 2015, my uncle got me a laptop so I spent the next two years learning PHP and building projects.
What kind of projects?
I built a blog, a to-do application and a student management system application. Just practical things.
In 2017, I joined a Facebook group for developers in Kaduna. One day, the group administrator, a top developer in Africa, posted one of those “What’s stopping you from being the best developer you can be?” posts, and people replied with their problems — electricity, etc. My laptop was bad, so I mentioned it in the replies and he DMed me. We spoke for a bit and when I sent him links to stuff I’d done, he asked me to come for an event at his workspace. My mum didn’t want me to go at first, but when she found out my neighbour was also attending the event, she allowed me.
I met the man, and after we spoke, he promised to get me a laptop. It was only after I got it I found out the workspace/hub used their Twitter account to ask for a donation. The laptop was from a total stranger. Wherever that person is, God bless them.
When I got the laptop, I started learning JavaScript, and that’s what I did for the rest of 2017. I also wrote my first two technical articles in December 2017.
Technical writing again?
LMAO, yes. I’ve always loved writing. I used to write an essay every day, almost throughout secondary school, and submit it to my principal, who also taught English and was my private lesson teacher. She didn’t ask for it o. I just wanted to improve my writing skills, and she was happy to give feedback every day. I even graduated as best in English.
So when my mentor asked me to create a tool that turns images into favicons in December 2017, and I successfully did it, I decided to write about my process so anyone who wanted to do something similar could learn from it. The next day, I wrote about how to use a tool that’d been helping me with my coding. I published both articles on a site where programmers go to ask questions and share knowledge.
Who was this mentor?
I met him on Facebook in 2017. He was on one of those programming groups I was on, and after we interacted, he asked if he could be my “remote mentor”.
What happened after 2017?
I got my first job via Twitter in May 2018. I was doing university remedial courses and someone texted me on Twitter to ask if I wanted a job writing technical articles for them because they saw the stuff I wrote. The pay was $300 per article but $250 for my first article. It took them a few months to publish the first one. I think $250 was about ₦68k then, so I became a big boy.
LMAO
Every chance I got, I was at the mall buying chicken and fries.
I wrote for them again in December 2018 and got paid $300. This was like ₦96k. I used most of it to buy crypto. Speaking of crypto, I have an interesting story from my past.
Tell me
In 2012, I found out about crypto on Facebook and used my mum’s card to buy ₦20k worth of Bitcoin without telling her. When she saw the debit, she went and rained hell at the bank. She told them they had to return her money or she’d move the remaining out of the account. My dad’s gratuity had just been paid, so there was a lot of money in the account. Well, the bank found a way to reverse the money and my account on the crypto site was banned. Imagine what ₦20k Bitcoin from 2012 would’ve been now.
My chest. I’m curious, did you eventually build the game you wanted to?
Nope. That’s why I kept learning new programming languages, but at some point, I just decided to settle for web applications because game development is hard.
Did you continue writing for $300 after 2018?
Nah, I only wrote those two articles. Then, 2019 happened. Oh my God, 2019 was the absolute ghetto. I didn’t get any writing gigs, and I was already used to having money and spending recklessly, so my ₦20k allowance was not doing anything for me. I even took out all my crypto to have cash at hand.
In August, some guy found me on Twitter and hired me to do some small coding work. I only got ₦30k from him. I didn’t even continue after that month because he stressed my life.
Was 2020 any better?
In December 2019, I was discussing with a friend and they encouraged me to look for writing gigs online. Because of how bad the year was, I’d lost the motivation to write or develop myself. After that conversation, I reached out to a product analytics company that regularly put out content and told them I wanted to write for them.
On January 1, 2020, they reached out with a contract offer. $350 per article. I grabbed it with both hands. As the year went by, my writing became much better and the editors didn’t have to review it too much before publishing. By September, another company reached out to me, and I got the contract. $400 per article.
For the $350 company, I wrote 12 articles between January 2020 and January 2021, and for the $400 guys, I wrote only three articles in 2020. This time, I was much wiser with my money. Yes, I bought a new iPhone and AirPods, but I also saved and invested in stocks.
Did you get another job after that or just focused on school?
I got another job in April 2021. I reached out to these people on Twitter and told them I could write for them. First, they paid $250 for an article, and when they liked it, they wanted three more. The conversation progressed to a one-year contract in which I’d be a content writer and community manager. Their first offer was $1k per month because one of their investors was a Nigerian who said ₦400k was enough for the role. But I told them I wanted $2k instead, and they agreed. Along the line, it increased to $2300. That’s almost a million.
Baller
Yes o. I started skin care, bought a MacBook, started sending my mum money, got an apartment, and created a home workstation; everything was good. I also had all the fries and chicken I could ever want. If you’ve not noticed by now, I like fries and chicken. But I was also saving sha.
Let me not lie, I was even on the verge of resigning before my contract expired in April (2022).
Why?
I was tired of working for them. They weren’t doing anything new, so it was difficult to find things to write about. Then, there was a change in management and a lot of clashing ideas for community engagement. Everything was just somehow.
Thankfully, I was unemployed for only a short period before I found something new.
What was it?
My first ever programming job. I started in May.
I’m on a Discord server with many programmers, and someone posted a job opening for a full-stack developer at a foreign company a while ago. I still had my community manager job, so I didn’t take it then, but I reached out to him in April, and he said the role was still available. I didn’t do any interviews or anything. I just sent him my past work and personal projects I’d built, and he gave me the job.
How much?
I told him I wanted $6k, but he said the budget was $3500. I took it.
What’s that in naira?
About ₦2.1m. I have another remote job I got last month (June 2022). They reached out on LinkedIn for a technical writer role, and I took it. It pays ₦500k. Thankfully, I only work a maximum of 20 hours a week on the $3500 job, so I have time to do the other one. But if they stress me, I’ll leave.
₦2.6m for a 19-year-old is… a lot of money
I have friends who make up to $10k monthly doing software development for foreign companies. So I don’t want to tell myself it’s a lot of money. I’m not pushing myself to make that type of money now now, but I know I still have a long way to go. By next year, my income has to be much higher. Experience plays a huge role in increasing earnings in the software development industry, so I’m building that with this job. Also, even though there’s ASUU strike, I’m still a student.
How do the ASUU strikes make you feel?
I know it sounds selfish, but they should take their time to fight for their rights since that’s what they want. I don’t mind how long it takes because I’m using my free time to build skills and make money.
Does your family know how much you earn?
LMAO, nope. Only a handful of people in this life know. In my family, only one of my sisters knows because I’m sure she won’t tell anyone. Telling your family you earn ₦2.6m will just lead to billing and expectations. I’d rather just be responsible on my own terms.
For example, we’re building a house for my mum in another state so she can move away from the north, and I’m basically funding the entire project. Honestly, they probably know I make good money, but they can’t say how much.
How much have you spent on the house so far?
₦4m.
Tell me what your finances look like right now
If I join what I have in cash savings and assets like stock together, it’ll be like $20k now.
What’s one thing you want but can’t afford?
There’s this nice Audi car I want. I can’t afford it, but even if I could, I wouldn’t buy it. The questions would be too many. That’s even why I don’t have a car at all.
And what do you spend your money on?
How happy are you on a scale of 1-10?
9 because my mum and sisters are comfortable and happy. My mum earns ₦35k right now, so imagine her joy when I send her money. My sisters work, but giving them something extra is always refreshing. I know there’s food at home and they don’t lack anything. For me, as long as I have food to eat and clothes to wear, I’m fine. The people who matter are my mum and sisters.
What about your goal to become a professor?
It’s on track. My first book will be published this month. The copy editing and indexing are done; the pre-final and final checks will be done this week.
I’m writing books so I can become well-known and build an audience. Plus, you need to be published to become a professor, so I’m starting early.
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Every week, Zikoko seeks to understand how people move the Naira in and out of their lives. Some stories will be struggle-ish, others will be bougie. All the time, it’ll be revealing.
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When you earn ₦150k and you’re 24, being the breadwinner of your family of five can’t be easy. But this week’s subject on #NairaLife does it despite the many challenges her family is faced with.
What’s your earliest memory of money?
My dad used to give my brother money to share with me, and even though he’s just a year older than me, he shared it so unfairly. I remember getting frustrated all the time and looking forward to making my own money when I become an adult. Because my mum was also “keeping” whatever money relatives gave me. So I hardly had money as a child.
What was home like?
We were a comfortable family. Father, mother, three children, one car, light at home, generator, proper education and good food. We didn’t have enough money for luxuries like travelling abroad, but we weren’t poor.
When I was about 13, things started to get better. We even moved to a better neighbourhood. By the time I turned 15, I was sent to a private university where my brother already was.
But in my 200 level, 2014, things took a nosedive. My dad lost the job he’d had for 18 years. Things weren’t so bad at first because my parents had savings and my mum still had her job. Then, exactly a year after, my mum lost hers too. That’s when things started to get scary.
Had your dad gotten another job?
Let’s just say the situation surrounding the termination of his job made it difficult for him to get another one. Also, he was in his 50s. People hardly hire someone in their 50s.
By 2016, we’d burnt through our family savings and only survived on my dad’s ₦60k pension. Imagine a family of five surviving on ₦60k.
Sounds tough
See, tough doesn’t even begin to explain it. First, my brother and I dropped out of school in 2016. I was just about to start my fourth year, and he was just about to start his fifth.
Leaving school was difficult, but staying home was worse. In our estate, we had to pay a service charge for connection to the generator or NEPA. When we couldn’t pay, they cut us off. We didn’t have any form of electricity for six months. We could only charge our phones in neighbours’ houses. Eating three meals a day was impossible. We struggled to eat two meals. It got so bad that there was a time we could afford only one bar of bathing soap for the entire family, so we took turns bathing with it. Another time, the car spoilt and we just stopped going anywhere — even church.
In 2017, my younger brother had to drop out of secondary school for a whole term because we couldn’t afford his fees.
So there was absolutely no money
Apart from my dad’s pension, he also did a thing where he found people who wanted to buy houses or land and got a referral bonus of like ₦200k. But that only happened once in several months. Some other times, family members would send some money. That’s how we survived.
The only good thing that came out of that period was my family got closer. My dad wasn’t too involved in parenting when we were younger, so being at home with him helped us know each other better. Everyone learnt to look out for everyone else.
I’m curious about how this affected you socially
It didn’t. I’m great at keeping what happened within my family. Maybe only one friend knew what was going on. I just put on a front and smiled whenever I had to come in contact with people. I didn’t want people pitying me and making me a charity case.
When did things get better?
By 2018, my dad did some real estate thing and got just enough money to send us back to school. This time, not to a school in Nigeria but a much cheaper one in Benin Republic.
How did that go?
Let’s just say it’s the grace of God that kept me going. I can count the number of times my parents were able to give me money in that period. I only survived through my friends and boyfriend. And I learnt how to be prudent.
When did you graduate?
I graduated and returned to Nigeria in September 2019, and by January 2020, I got a front desk receptionist job whose ad I saw on Instagram. That was my second receptionist job.
Wait, what was the first?
Oh, it was in 2017. It paid ₦40k, and I did it for only a few months. I contributed all of it to my family’s survival.
How much did this one pay?
₦60k. I started NYSC in March and was collecting an extra ₦33k from the government. COVID meant they had to cut our wages in August. Tell me what I should do after they removed 40%. I’d have almost run at a loss when I removed my transport fare, which was like ₦1k a day. So I just quit.
What was happening at home?
Things still weren’t great. Sometime in 2019, my mum, who’s a nurse, got a job at a hospital. Her initial pay was ₦150k and she was supposed to get promoted after a few months, but office politics made them promote another person, treat her harshly and even reduce her salary to ₦100k. So we both quit our jobs in that same period.
Did you find another job?
In January 2021, I did. I started as a customer service rep for a therapist, at ₦60k, and as the year progressed, my role, responsibilities and pay kept changing. Now, I’m an executive assistant and office administrator, and I earn ₦150k.
Love it for you
But 2021 was also the beginning of me being the breadwinner for my family. My brother’s still trying to get a steady income, so whenever the family needs anything, they come to me. I’m talking food for the house, utility bills, almost everything.
I started staying with a friend in 2021 because my family’s house was far from the job I got. Here, there’s food and internet. I don’t have to spend much money on myself, so most of the money I make goes to my family. I can barely save because I can’t bring myself to keep money when my family needs it.
But just when I thought things were beginning to even out, they took another terrible nosedive recently.
How?
Long story short, my family got kicked out of our home because we couldn’t pay rent. Over the years, we’ve struggled to meet rent and we’ve had to beg the landlord, but this time, he wasn’t having it. He literally brought people to bundle our belongings out and try to seize them. We had to pay ₦150k for them to release our stuff.
Where’s everyone now?
My dad is in the village, my mum and younger brother are with an uncle and my older brother is with a friend. But you know what I tell myself to make myself feel better? Homelessness is probably the worst thing that can happen. It can only get better from here. But it’s really painful o. I can’t imagine how my parents feel not being able to take care of their children or even house them. I think of my dad — his ego must be very bruised.
He wants us to come to the village, but I’m not having any of that. Right now, the plan is to find a cheaper area for us to stay. I have a total savings of ₦400k. If my brother or anyone else brings ₦100k, we can find somewhere decent.
How are you managing all of this with work?
I’m not managing it well o. In fact, I already sent in my one-month notice. I’m leaving at the end of this month (July 2022).
Why?
First of all, I’m tired. Going through family stress while working full time is a lot. And my bosses aren’t the kindest people. They don’t have consideration for my personal life. Even when I complain about family issues without going too deep into details, they say stuff like, “You’re not the first to have family issues.”
That’s terrible. How do you intend to survive when you leave the job?
Omo, na person wey dey alive dey make money o. Once we get this house thing sorted this month, I’ll relax for another month or two and look for another job..
What are your plans for the future, financially?
When my family settles, and I get a new job, my brother and I should each be able to set aside ₦20k monthly to cover rent. Other than that, I’m probably going to be out of this country within the next year. I got married in December and my husband is in Canada. We’re working on me joining him ASAP.
You got what?
LMAO. Remember my boyfriend from earlier? Yep, we got married last year.
I’m curious — does he help with your family’s finances?
Remember how I said I like to keep family secrets within the family? He found out how bad things really were when my family got kicked out. Before then, he just knew things weren’t great. He’s offered to help us cover some of the rent and cost of moving.
Most of my friends don’t know how bad things are. I tweeted how I was feeling about a month ago when my family got kicked out, and a friend reached out and pestered me until I told them how things were going. Yesterday, I opened my bank app and saw that I was ₦100k richer because they sent me money. I almost broke down in tears.
Do you have a breakdown of what you spend in a month?
Tell me something you want but can’t afford
If a house could fall from heaven for my family to live in, I’d cry tears of joy.
How happy are you on a scale of 1-10?
It’s a 2. Things are not great, but I’m happy I can contribute to keep things working for my family. I’ll tell you a fun fact — I haven’t made my hair in months. I’ll probably cut it again. When I cut it the first time, people thought I was experimenting, but the truth is I just couldn’t afford to take care of it. So yeah, things are not great at all.
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The Nigerian experience is physical, emotional and sometimes international. No one knows it better than our features on #TheAbroadLife, a series where we detail and explore Nigerian experiences while living abroad.
When this week’s subject on Abroad Life decided to move to Canada, her only form of research was watching Nigerian YouTubers in Canada telling people why they should come. Now, she wishes they were more open about loneliness, finances and the weather.
When did you decide to leave Nigeria?
After End SARS. I mean, I had a life plan, from when I was a little girl, to leave Nigeria for my master’s after NYSC. I didn’t actively follow this life plan, but you see, after that End SARS, something just switched in me that made me start planning to japa.
Why did you choose Canada?
Should I be honest with you? It’s because of YouTubers. I made my decision to travel to Canada entirely based on what I saw on YouTube. You know, all those “Travel as a student and get Canadian Permanent Residence (PR)” videos.
Prior to End SARS, I was eager to leave. I was already dissatisfied with the annoying and unappreciative work cultures of companies in Nigeria. Then I did some work for someone in the UK. The way she gave me feedback and praised me, and even the pay, made me realise working in Nigeria was not all that. It wasn’t enough to make me work actively towards leaving sha. I was just going from workplace to workplace, getting frustrated. But when End SARS happened, and I started really considering leaving, the prospect of working outside Nigeria gave me even more ginger.
Did you tell people you were travelling?
Nope. I did it lowkey partly because Nigerians just don’t tell people they’re travelling, and partly because I was afraid if it fell through, people would be overly sympathetic, and that would make me feel even worse. I just wanted to land before people knew.
What was the process like?
By December 2020, I put together all my important documents, like WAEC and IELTS results, and statement of purpose. Then I got scammed by the people who were supposed to help me get my university transcripts. Luckily, the school didn’t require official transcripts so I was able to process everything smoothly, and I got my admission in January.
I had to pay some part of my school fees by February to secure a seat, so my family and I contributed some money for it. By May, I applied for a visa which I received in September, about ten days after school resumed. I just deferred and left Nigeria in December. Scratch that… Benin Republic.
Ehn?
A few days before I travelled, the Omicron variant of COVID was discovered in Nigeria, and Canada said no flights from Nigeria. Many Nigerians who wanted to leave had to go to neighbouring countries to travel from their airports. Me, I chose Benin Republic.
Expectations vs reality: Canada edition
How do I even start? You see those YouTubers? They need to be stopped. All they do is sugarcoat the reality of living in Canada. I wish they were more honest about things like loneliness, finances and the weather, so people can be more prepared or even decide if they still want to come here.
Let me start with the weather. I understand people say Canada is cold, but I didn’t think it’d be this cold. You can never be prepared for the cold that’ll hit you. I now decided to come in December. During winter. See, I suffered. And I had to spend money on clothes because I saw online that I shouldn’t bring so many clothes. Big mistake. Clothes here are expensive. And making money is hard.
The first job I did here was carpentry and welding, the only job available for international students at the time. I don’t even want to talk about how difficult it is to do that kind of job when you’ve never done it before. Honestly, I would’ve been fine just staying at home, jobless and attending school online, but there were bills to pay. Phone bills, house bills, many bills.
I also wish I had an idea of what it’s like to be in a place where you hardly know people. The sadness and loneliness that hit me when I got here was unreal. If I complained to my Nigerian friends, they’d say stuff like, “But you’re abroad. You have money. There’s light. There’s peace”. But I didn’t have money, and I was losing my mind.
In retrospect, I think if I calmed down and did actual research, I would’ve picked a different country.
Where?
The UK. I understand people find it difficult to settle anywhere, but I think the UK would’ve been a bit easier for me. The railway system is great so I can visit friends. People there talk about entering a train and just going wherever they want. Me, I can’t even visit a friend who lives in the same province because Canada is huge and the trains are not so connected.
Did it get better?
It did. I’ve got a better job now that pays above minimum wage. It’s a care job that I found online. I’ve also moved to live with my family friend. School is online. But I probably won’t stay here after my master’s. I don’t want to spend the rest of my 20s chasing PR and stuck in this boring place. I’d probably move to the UK to work. There, I can be happier and more social. Maybe after some time, I’ll come back here and try this PR thing again. But right now, I can’t wait to leave Canada.
Hey there! My name is Sheriff and I’m the writer of Abroad Life. If you’re a Nigerian and you live or have lived abroad, I would love to talk to you about what that experience feels like and feature you on Abroad Life. All you need to do is fill out this short form, and I’ll be in contact.
If, like me, you’ve realised quite late that you don’t have your summer body yet and would like to fix that before summer officially begins tomorrow, follow this tried and tested guide.
Which summer? In this rain?
Let’s not deceive ourselves with Westernised standards. Is it in this everyday Naija rain you want to go to the beach and expose your body? Is pneumonia a joke to you? Better keep eating so you can have enough body mass to insulate yourself from this cold. We’ve officially pushed summer to December. That’s when our own hot sun will come out. You still have time.
In fact, what is even a summer body?
Aren’t we past the stage of using internet-defined beauty standards to judge ourselves? It’s 2022. Stay woke!
If you still want the summer body, keep reading
Shebi the reason you clicked on this link is for help getting your summer body. Maybe you won’t even be in Nigeria for summer and we’re just assuming everyone is local and broke like us. We’re sorry. Keep reading.
Now ask yourself, “Why do I want a summer body?”
Is it because you want to feel good about yourself or because you want others to comment about how “good” you look? If it’s the former, that’s good. But if it’s the latter, we have a simple solution.
Catfish
I was looking for pictures of catfishers and stumbled on this one, fell in love, and now I have to use it
Photoshop is not hard, wallahi. Before you post your hot Santorini beach pictures on Instagram, just edit the summer body on top of your current body. Everybody will be all right last last. But if deception is not your thing, and you actually want to work hard, then we have just the right regimen for you.
Just start running now
Drop everything you’re doing and start running like your Facebook chats from when you were 12 are chasing you. When you feel like stopping, don’t stop. You have less than 24 hours. Keep going!
There’s a song for automatic summer bodies
If running is too stressful for you, we’ve got you covered. Put this song on repeat from now till tomorrow. Let it play as you sleep this night. If you don’t wake up with your desired shape tomorrow, come and fight us. Our office is Louis Edet House, Shehu Shagari Way, Area 11, Garki, Abuja, Nigeria.
We don’t want you to be tempted and go and eat again. Just empty your fridge, freezer and pantry. You’ll restock after summer ends.
Send us all your money
Again, we don’t want you to be tempted into buying food that brings calories. This is salary week. Temptations are everywhere. Instagram restaurants and doing sponsored ads. If you have money, you can mistakenly fall on your phone and order the food, and then mistakenly pick up the order and eat it. But somebody that doesn’t have money can’t make such a mistake. Send us all your money today.
[donation]
Look in the mirror and do affirmations
You don’t know how powerful words are. One second you’re saying it; the next, you’re living it. Aspire to perspire to acquire what you desire.
Just be like me and postpone this thing to next year
Nobody will arrest us if we don’t do summer body jare.
How chaotic would Zikoko on TikTok be? Follow us to find out!
Today is June 28, 2022. It’s that time of the year when people review their lives and discover they’ve failed on all of their new year resolutions and go again with renewed energy only to fail again. But that’s not our business. We’re only here to judge you for the things you should have achieved by now. Time waits for no one..
By now you should have…
Changed your toothbrush
Six months. 26 weeks. 182 days. The same toothbrush. Are you not a wicked person? See, as you’re reading this article, just stand up and go and buy toothbrush now now. Don’t let the second half of the year meet you with the same thing you’ve been putting in your mouth every day for SIX MONTHS!
Broken up with your partner
Speaking of things you put in your mouth every day, why are you still with your January partner? Did they use swear to join you people together? Okay, you’ve done New Year’s and Valentine’s together. Is that not enough? Abi are you falling in love? Please wake up regain focus. Is it the same person you want to do Sallah and Christmas with? Smh.
Gotten your summer body
To be honest, summer will have to be calming down and be waiting for all of us. Because where is this year running to? I’ve been waiting for the right moment to enter the gym and the right moment hasn’t come, so summer body is still loading.
Anyways, July is still far. We have two days. Let me finish writing this article, eat my eba, and run down the stairs twice. Workout don start be that. See you in July.
Are you stubborn? All the “Get Your PVC” we’ve been shouting since, did you think it was play? This is the last time we’ll say it, please go and register for your PVC today.
Stopped eating semo
A Zikoko listicle without semo slander? God forbid bad thing. Stop eating Semo today. Thanks.
Stopped pressing your phone
According to Nigerian mums, pressing of phone is the leading cause of stomach ache, malaria, poverty, cancer, spiritual problems and Nigeria’s problems. If you think something about your life needs to change in the next half of the year, throw your phone away.
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