If Google Maps Was Your Nigerian Mother

July 16, 2021

GPS technology is very simple. You input a location, and it gets you to where you need to be. Clear cut and No drama.

Except when the GPS is voiced by your Nigerian mother. Heavy sigh.


It’s morning and a guy, casually dressed, steps into his Mercedes Benz and turns on the ignition.

As the engine revs, he enters a location into his phone and maps his route. He starts to drive. 

GPS: And where are you going without morning devotion?

David: Mummy, I’m in a hurry.

GPS: But God was not in a hurry to wake you up today.

David:

GPS: (hisses) Father Lord, we commit…

David impatiently taps the steering as his mother prays. She finishes and he starts to drive out of the compound.

GPS: I can see you have started wearing skeleton chain and doing your hair like garage boys. Is this what you want to be doing with your life?

David:

David: Mummy please, what I need to know now is the fastest route to where I am going.

GPS: Ask your father’s people. His sister is a witch, she will know.

David: Mummy! This thing is in your system.

GPS: Wait, let me wear glasses. And don’t rush me because you have started… Pass that left there.

David steps on the brake and makes a sharp turn.

GPS: Do you want to kill me, David? I’ve told you to stop driving like armed robber. Slow down, my friend.

David: (rolls eyes)

GPS: Enter that estate.

David: Mum, that is off route.

GPS: Are you going to believe that thing or are you going to listen to your mother?

David turns and drives into the estate.

GPS: You see that grey house? That’s where Dimeji and his wife are living. Their first child is already talking, I went to his baby’s dedication, last year. Where is your own family? Or is it until I die?

David: (sigh) Mum, I am working on it.

David’s phone announces – “Incoming call from Shedi Bala Bala”.

David rushes to turn it off but it is too late.

David:

GPS: (silence)

David: (coughs)

GPS: And that’s what you’re working on abi?

David: (silence)

GPS: You are just doing your life bala bala. And it’s not me you are doing, it’s you. Me, I have married. Just come out of the estate and let’s be going.

David continues driving.

GPS: Stop here! Stop! Park the car!

David: What is wrong?

GPS: (shouts) Mama Juliana! (to David) Help me call her now!

David calls for a woman in a small kiosk and she comes out.

GPS: Ahnahn, Mama Julie, I didn’t see you at the meeting last weekend o.

Mama Juliana: Haa, Mummy David. I sick one kain sick like that.

GPS: Abi Papa Juliana don put another one for there?

David: Mummy, this is not on my schedule.

GPS: You were not on my schedule either but here we are.

David:

45 minutes later.

GPS: Bye bye o, Mama Julie. Ehn ehn, what about…

David speeds off.

GPS: This is what I usually say about not having respect.

David sees a woman standing by the roadside holding a bottle of water. He stops.

David: Lillian?

Lillian: David! Oh My God!

David: Hop in! I’ll drive you.

Lillian gets in.

Lillian: It is so great to see you, My God! Oh, where can I put this bottle?

GPS: Put it on my head. You cannot greet abi?

Lillian: (taken aback)

David: It’s… (sigh) It’s my mum.

Lillian: Good evening ma. I’m sorry.

GPS: Sorry for yourself.

David: Mama, where should I pass now?

GPS: How will I know, now that you have gone to carry somebody, maybe you should find your way yourself.

David: Should I go straight?

GPS: No, fly off the bridge.

20 MINUTES LATER.

GPS: We have gotten there. Praise Master Jesus.

David and Lillian: (confused)

David: Lillian, is this where you are going?

Lillian: No.

David: This isn’t my destination either.

GPS: I know. It is where I want to buy lace material for Baba Peju’s golden jubilee. Now, David, enter inside and price Swedish Lace for me. And don’t come with rubbish or you will go back.

David: Mum, this is not where I am going!

GPS: Inside hangout and this place that I will get lace, which one is better? Come on, enter inside and do what I asked you to do! And I want to sleep small. I have been talking since morning, and you know I don’t like to talk too much.

David grumbles and walks in.

Lillian:

GPS: Do you use to read the book of Corinthians?

Hauwa L

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