Interview With Semo: “My Slander Is So Forced”

August 21, 2020

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

Two weeks ago, I spoke to the overworked and underappreciated Dishwashing Liquid, and during that eye-opening interview, it name-dropped a very polarising figure in the Nigerian food scene, Semo.

A few days after that interview, Semo’s manager reached out to me, asking that I sit down with his client and give it a chance to clear the air. I begrudgingly agreed, and the interview got understandably tense.

Zikoko: It’s nice to have you here.

Semo: Is it? Is it really?

No. I was actually just being polite.

That’s much better. I’ve seen every jab your insignificant little blog has thrown my way, from the articles to the comics. No need to start forming nice because I’m finally in front of you.

That’s fine by me. Is there anything you’d like to get off your chest before we start?

I just have some constructive criticism. I think you, in particular, should just stick to writing those horny little articles and leave the food reviews to people who know what they are talking about.

I’m assuming there is someone else in your company that understands my value, or did every single one of the writers get hired specifically for having shit taste?

LMAO. You would know about “shit taste”.

You’ve never eaten me with Ogbono soup and it shows. I dare you to find another one of my counterparts that complements that top-tier soup as flawlessly as I do.

Is it Pounded Yam that wants to compete? That one is too busy kissing Egusi’s ass.

That’s confident.

Look, I’m not saying I’m the best swallow out there, but my slander is so obviously forced. I remember when it was cool to hate on Amala for no reason, and when that got boring, I became the next target.

So, people who say they don’t like you are faking it?

That’s not what I’m saying. I believe some people genuinely don’t like me, and that’s fine. I can’t be mad at them for being born with faulty tastebuds. I actually feel sorry for them.

My issue is when they start saying nonsense like, “Only cultists eat semo.” I mean, it’s already bad enough that they have subpar taste, but to now be shading people who don’t? That’s just embarrassing.

What about the people that genuinely have an issue with your texture?

If you don’t like my texture, then you made me wrong. It’s that simple. When Pounded Yam comes out lumpy, they blame the person who made it, but when my texture is off, they blame me. That’s unfair.

What about reports that you were fed to six geese and three died?

My manager told you not to bring that up. I knew I shouldn’t have wasted my time coming here. Keep pushing your hateful, anti-Semo agenda for the clicks. The clout you’re chasing will hook your throat.

Like you hook the throats of people who eat you?

*Semo storms off*

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

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