Interview With Semo: “My Slander Is So Forced”

August 21, 2020

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

Two weeks ago, I spoke to the overworked and underappreciated Dishwashing Liquid, and during that eye-opening interview, it name-dropped a very polarising figure in the Nigerian food scene, Semo.

A few days after that interview, Semo’s manager reached out to me, asking that I sit down with his client and give it a chance to clear the air. I begrudgingly agreed, and the interview got understandably tense.

Zikoko: It’s nice to have you here.

Semo: Is it? Is it really?

No. I was actually just being polite.

That’s much better. I’ve seen every jab your insignificant little blog has thrown my way, from the articles to the comics. No need to start forming nice because I’m finally in front of you.

That’s fine by me. Is there anything you’d like to get off your chest before we start?

I just have some constructive criticism. I think you, in particular, should just stick to writing those horny little articles and leave the food reviews to people who know what they are talking about.

I’m assuming there is someone else in your company that understands my value, or did every single one of the writers get hired specifically for having shit taste?

LMAO. You would know about “shit taste”.

You’ve never eaten me with Ogbono soup and it shows. I dare you to find another one of my counterparts that complements that top-tier soup as flawlessly as I do.

Is it Pounded Yam that wants to compete? That one is too busy kissing Egusi’s ass.

That’s confident.

Look, I’m not saying I’m the best swallow out there, but my slander is so obviously forced. I remember when it was cool to hate on Amala for no reason, and when that got boring, I became the next target.

So, people who say they don’t like you are faking it?

That’s not what I’m saying. I believe some people genuinely don’t like me, and that’s fine. I can’t be mad at them for being born with faulty tastebuds. I actually feel sorry for them.

My issue is when they start saying nonsense like, “Only cultists eat semo.” I mean, it’s already bad enough that they have subpar taste, but to now be shading people who don’t? That’s just embarrassing.

What about the people that genuinely have an issue with your texture?

If you don’t like my texture, then you made me wrong. It’s that simple. When Pounded Yam comes out lumpy, they blame the person who made it, but when my texture is off, they blame me. That’s unfair.

What about reports that you were fed to six geese and three died?

My manager told you not to bring that up. I knew I shouldn’t have wasted my time coming here. Keep pushing your hateful, anti-Semo agenda for the clicks. The clout you’re chasing will hook your throat.

Like you hook the throats of people who eat you?

*Semo storms off*

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

NerdEfiko

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

Watch

Now on Zikoko

July 30, 2021

Like every other thing that comes from Nigeria, your international passport just wants to travel out, enjoy life and flex on the gram but you no get money. *insert clown emoji* So here is everything your international passport wants to say to you. It’s another frustrating day in Buhari’s country. Rain water has entered your […]

July 30, 2021

The subject of today’s Abroad life is a 35-year-old man who has lived many lives. He talks about being rejected three times by the US embassy, the bad state of the Nigerian education system, and how freelancing paid for his japa.  When did you decide that you wanted to leave Nigeria? I’d always passively wanted […]

July 29, 2021

Modern day beauty standards sets a high bar for what society considers attractive. Anything outside the small box is considered unappealing, without consideration for the emotional and mental well-being of people living in those bodies. I met Tayo* through a comment he left on a Zikoko Instagram post about fatphobia, as he had gone through […]

July 29, 2021

Every Nigerian has at least one of these kinds of Uncles in their family 1) Mr I’d get back to you He’s the one that you ask for a favour and he always tells you he’d get back to you. The thing is, he never does. It’ll save everyone’s time and energy if he just […]

Recommended Quizzes

how much of an ajebutter
February 12, 2020

Are you an ajebutter or not? Well, if you’ve gone through life blissfully unaware of its harshness, then you probably are. Now, we want to know just how high you rank on that ajebutter scale, using your food preferences as a (very accurate) measure. Take to find out:

November 25, 2019

We already guessed how many people you’ve slept with, and y’all were out here denying the truth. Anyway, we won’t hold that against you. This time, however, we’ve created a quiz that predicts who you’ll sleep with next — so you can either prepare or try (unsuccessfully) to prevent it. So, take and see:

November 11, 2019

Everyone has something to say about what kind of person they are. But how well do we truthfully evaluate these things? Not that much, I can assure you. The average person is always lying to themselves to make sure they look good. But you know what and who doesn’t lie? Zikoko quizzes that’s what. Take […]

April 9, 2020

At some point in life, we all learnt that someone can be very intelligent and still lack common sense. That’s the difference between being book smart and being street smart. If you’re not sure where on the spectrum you fall, well, that’s what this quiz is here to tell you. Take it:

November 15, 2019

There are two types of people in Nigeria right now: those who are proud Marlians, and those who are still in denial about stanning the divisive star. So, for those who proudly wear the Marlian tag, we made a quiz to test how well you really know Naira Marley. If you get more than 6 […]

More from Interview With...

July 23, 2021

A small trouble is brewing in the Small Chops Association: the other members no longer want Puff-puff to be a part of them. This is difficult, considering the large quantity of Puff-puff you find in a Small Chops package.

Today on Interview With, we spoke to the members of the Small Chops Association, including Puff-puff, to hear their take on this delicate matter.

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X