I’m in my twenties, and I’m not exaggerating when I say relationships have practically disappeared from my social circle. Everyone I know is “just talking.” No one is dating. No one is defining anything. Somewhere along the way, the talking stage became the preferred low-risk alternative to commitment.
What is a “talking stage,” really?
After digging through social media and far too many dating research articles, the conclusion is that there is no conclusion. The talking stage has shapeshifted so much that it now means whatever you need it to mean in the moment.
Once upon a time, it was straightforward. It was the brief — emphasis on brief —“getting to know you” window before a relationship got serious. If you clicked after a few weeks, you made it official. If not, you moved on to the next potential partner.
These days, it’s become more complicated: you meet someone, start texting non-stop, go on a few dates, probably sleep together, and before you know it, you have built an entire emotional universe around them with absolutely no definition and usually no plan of getting one.
If you recognise yourself in that description, congratulations: you’re in a modern talking stage.
To understand how this plays out in real life, I spoke to Gladys*, 27, who has been stuck in a talking stage for almost three years. “It started as what it was supposed to be traditionally,” she told me. “We were getting to know each other. But somewhere along the line, it morphed into a situationship.”
The beginning was fun. They had chemistry, easy conversations, and mutual attraction. But when the “what are we?” moment arrived, Gladys hesitated.
“I wasn’t sure I wanted to be with him fully,” she admitted. “We weren’t compatible religiously or psychologically. But I still liked him. I also wanted to keep my options open without feeling like I was cheating.”
She admits it’s not the healthiest place to be, but moving forward now feels complicated. “I wanted more definition at some point, but by then, he was too comfortable. We were already enjoying the perks of a relationship without the title.”
Gladys’ experience isn’t unusual. In 2025, the talking stage is no longer a step to dating. It has become its own relationship category.
According to a recent study, many young adults see the talking stage as an emotional safety zone, a way to enjoy affection, routine, and companionship without risking rejection. One study even found that one in five young adults considers a long texting session “a date.” And thanks to technology — video calls, voice notes, and DMs — the illusion of intimacy forms quickly, even without commitment.
Gladys can relate to this. She said that by the time she and her “partner” were talking every day and FaceTiming every night, they genuinely felt like a couple. “After investing so much time, I was afraid to ask what we were because I might not like the answer,” she admitted.
Is a talking stage inherently bad?
There’s nothing wrong with a talking stage when both people genuinely want it. The trouble starts when defining the relationship begins to feel scary. You don’t want to ruin the vibes by asking for clarity, so you hover in confusion. After all, you are “just talking.”
Dele*, 25, has been there too. “When I first started talking to my partner, I wanted a relationship, but she avoided the subject,” he says. “I liked her, so I stayed. It hurt, but it also felt convenient. If things went wrong, I could just walk away.”
It is easy to judge that logic until you realise it’s rooted in something deeper. According to Halima Mason, a relationship therapist, many Nigerians grew up having their love lives being closely monitored. “As teenagers, dating often came with punishment or moral judgment. Keeping things undefined felt safer. That habit follows people into adulthood,” she explains.
The effects show up more often than we think. Mariam*, 26, still feels it. “In secondary school, you could get suspended if teachers found out you had a boyfriend. Even in my university, you had to register your relationship and attend counselling sessions that made things more complicated,” she says. “We decided to just say we were just talking, so we wouldn’t get into trouble. Years later, it is hard to get out of that loop. My last two connections never moved past the talking stage.”
Add this early conditioning to social media pressures, economic uncertainty, and migration plans, and long-term promises start feeling heavy. In that world, staying undefined feels smart.
David*, 26, echoes that sentiment. “For many people my age, it’s not that we don’t believe in love. We just think it requires too much,” he tells me. “I liked my partner, but I didn’t want the full weight of taking things to the next step.”
Talking stages also offer a seductive illusion of control, the feeling that you are the one holding all the cards. Joan*, 19, captured this perfectly: “We are not our parents. They settled because they had limited options. I like to keep mine open, even when I like you, because I don’t want to commit fully and then suffer in the name of love.”
Her words reflect what many young people feel. We have seen how wrong ‘for better or worse’ can go. Where older generations valued endurance, younger people prioritise control. The guiding principle has become ‘I refuse to end up like them,’ which translates to keeping one foot out the door.
But Halima is not entirely convinced. She insists that this obsession with control is not always the empowering stance we think it is. “Attachment theory explains this,” she says. “People who didn’t grow up seeing emotionally healthy relationships often crave closeness but fear losing control. They say things like ‘I’m just going with the flow,’ or ‘I’m here for a good time.’ The quieter truth beneath it is that they are lonely.”
There is also the mistake of assuming this method of control actually protects the heart. Jumoke, 29, learned this the hard way. “I’ve tried talking stages, and I think they are counterproductive,” she says. “Whether there is a relationship label or not, the heartbreak feels the same. The only difference is that I couldn’t let myself process it properly because we weren’t official. It took discipline and reflection to realise I wasn’t being casual. I was avoiding commitment out of fear.”
We like to believe talking stages protect our hearts, but most of the time, they deliver the opposite. You overthink simple messages, but act unbothered even while your emotions are all over the place. Research has even shown that many young people come out of talking stages feeling disappointed and emotionally worn out, which is ironic when you remember they are supposed to be the “low-risk option.”
Are labels — annoying as they are — necessary?
As Halima Mason puts it, “A talking stage is regular emotional contact that has the possibility of becoming something more. A situationship is what happens when that same contact continues without clear boundaries or a plan.” Once you slip into that second category, it starts to feel like waiting on a ship that was never set to sail.
So, how do you even know when you have overstretched a talking stage? According to Halima, your body will make it clear long before your brain does. Pay attention to what happens after the late-night calls and the easy hangouts. If your chest tightens, or you sleep lighter, or you feel strangely relieved when plans get cancelled, your nervous system is probably signalling that the setup is draining you.
Once you start noticing these cues, the real question becomes what to actually do with them. According to Halima, the worst thing you can do is stay in limbo and hope vibes will magically clarify themselves. “If nothing changes after four to six weeks of steady contact, it may be time for a clarity conversation,” she says. In other words, a soft check-in about what you are both doing and why.
She suggests questions that feel human rather than confrontational.
- How do you want things to feel next month?
- How often do you want to see each other?
- What should it look like if things stay casual?
These questions, she says, “lower anxiety and create room for honest answers.”
And if the answers disappoint you, this is the time to use an exit line that keeps your dignity intact. “You can say, ‘I like you, and I want clarity. If that is not where you are, I will step back so we both have space to find what we truly want.’ It protects your peace while staying kind.”
The bottom line is
Most people want a connection with shape and direction, even though others genuinely enjoy the ease of staying undefined. Both choices are valid. What matters is that whatever you choose is something you can sit in without anxiety.
Maybe that’s the real takeaway. It should never be about forcing labels or trying to turn every spark into a sweeping romance. It’s simply about choosing connections that are mutual, honest, and something your mind — and nervous system — can live with.
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