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  • Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    The subjects of this week’s Love Life, Michael (29) and Ada (24), are planning their wedding. They talk us through breaking the bro code, all the lies they told to be together and how their epic Valentine’s Day proposal almost didn’t happen. 

    How did you both meet? 

    Michael: In October of 2018, we met at a birthday party her brother dragged the both of us to. Even though I’d been friends with her brother for a while, the party was the first place I saw her physically. She didn’t school in Nigeria and had just returned a couple of weeks before to start NYSC. 

    Ada: I came to serve my country, and I found love. What a life. I’m a shy person, so that day was extra hard for me because I wasn’t just outside with my brother but with two of his friends. I tried not to do too much so it wouldn’t seem like I was looking for attention, but not do too little so they wouldn’t think I was proud. I was stressed. 

    Michael: I thought she was beautiful, so I approached her. We vibed really well and had a lovely conversation. We even exchanged numbers. After the party, I started texting her. It was going well, save for the times when she was forming for me.

    What do you mean by “form”? 

    Michael: Twice, I asked her to hang out, but she said she was busy. What was she busy doing? 

    Ada: Technically, it was one time I didn’t get to hang out with you because I had an event to attend with my parents. The second time which was about a month after we met, we eventually saw a movie together. 

    How did that happen? 

    Michael: I’d asked her if she was free, but she said she had plans to see a movie with her friend. Later, my friend called to ask for a lift to the cinema. When I dropped him off, I was about to leave when I saw Ada walking out with her friend. 

    Ada: I was shocked to see him but went to say hi. 

    Michael: We just sat there and talked about many things. 

    Ada: Unlike the last time that meant planning something, we were both already outside. Nobody had to make any effort, so it was easier to just sit down and talk. I enjoyed spending time with him so much that I skipped going to church so we could watch a movie together. 

    LMAO. Wow 

    Ada: It wasn’t the first time something like that happened. A couple of weeks after the cinema thing, in early December, I texted him that I was done with my PPA and was about to go get pizza with my parents. He asked if I could come see him at work, and I agreed because it was still early in the afternoon. I really can’t believe I gave up pizza for this man. 

    Michael: But I bought you food. Doesn’t that make up for it? 

    Ada: It does.

    Michael: After we hung out in my office for a bit, I drove her to a bus stop. At this point, I already knew I liked her. We’d been texting every day since we exchanged numbers, and the two times I’d spent with just her were great. That’s why after gathering courage, I kissed her. 

    Ada: I was excited, but I also tried not to do too much because, even though we were in a car, it was still in broad daylight. 

    Michael: After the kiss, we didn’t become official. I was trying not to rush into anything. 

    Ada: I liked him too, but I was trying not to put all my eggs in one basket, so I still went on dates and hung around with other people.

    Michael: Meanwhile, I was there, with all my eggs in one basket. 

    Ada: LMAO.

    Ada, when did you realise you didn’t want to talk to anyone else? 

    Ada: Valentine’s Day of 2019. In the days leading up to it, I didn’t bring up anything to do with the holiday because I didn’t want it to look like I was expecting anything. When he asked to hang out with me that day, he didn’t make it seem different from any other day. 

    Michael: Meanwhile, I told my boss I was sick so I could take the day off. Missed my daily 2k. 

    Ada: When I got to his place, he’d made that signature bachelor stir fry spaghetti with carrots and bell peppers and bought me red wine and chocolate. He laid his blanket on the floor, and we watched The Notebook together. Because we weren’t even together, but he was intentional about doing things that’d make me feel special, my feelings for him deepened. 

    I love love. How was seeing only him like?

    Ada: We tried to see each other as often as possible, but it was easier during work hours because he worked in Lekki Phase 1, and I worked in VI. We’d dash between offices during our lunch breaks. I’d occasionally lie that I needed to run an errand. 

    RELATED: Love Life: We’d Been Committed to Each Other Long Before We Started Dating

    So how did both of you become official? 

    Michael: I don’t like to rush into things, so I wanted to think it through and ensure everything was perfect first. In June 2019, I told myself if I extended it past this period, I would be playing it too safe. 

    Ada: I was in his house, and he started pacing. I was worried about him, but he told me it was because he was nervous and had something important to talk about. That’s when he asked me to be his girlfriend. 

    Michael: I told her she didn’t need to give an answer immediately, but I just wanted to ask. 

    Ada: I told him yes because I’d grown fond of him, and my friends loved him. He asked me out a couple of weeks before my birthday. I’d told myself that by 21, I’d be more intentional with my dating life, so it felt like a sign. Plus, he’s my brother’s friend, so I knew if he did anything to me, my brother would find him. 

    But I thought it was against the bro code to date your friend’s sister

    Ada: Bro code in the mud o because my brother didn’t even know we were dating for a bit.

    Michael: We were trying to figure out how best to bring it up. Three weeks after we started dating, we all went to see a movie. Ada and I had planned to tell him about it together in the afternoon, but she went ahead to tell him in the morning. When I eventually came over in the afternoon, he and I just talked. 

    What if he’d said you shouldn’t date? 

    Michael: That would’ve been his business. We told him out of courtesy. Plus, he’s not that kind of person. If he didn’t want me dating his sister, we wouldn’t have been friends anyway. 

    Ada: My brother wouldn’t let me around people he didn’t trust. The actual obstacle we had to face was my father. I’m the only girl, so my dad is extra protective of me and didn’t like the fact that I was staying out so late. Whenever he came back from work and didn’t find me at home, he’d be upset. My mum, on the other hand, was a bit more laid back. When I told her about Michael, she just warned me to be careful. She even started covering for me with my dad sometimes. 

    If I wanted to sleep over at his place, I’d have to lie about staying with my friend, Dammy. I was 21 and still living with my parents, so I made sacrifices like staying back to spend time with him instead of following the rest of my family on a three-week trip. When they asked why I couldn’t go, I just told them I couldn’t take leave from work. 

    With physical touch as my love language, I really need to be in situations where I can just hold him. Three weeks without seeing him could have killed me. 

    You must have hated lockdown 

    Ada: I almost lost my mind. 

    Michael: There were no more sleepovers or quick dashes to each other’s offices  . We tried to make do with video and audio calls, but it wasn’t the same. 

    Ada: At 7 a.m. on the day they lifted the lockdown, I borrowed my mum’s car and went from my house in Ajah to his in Yaba. I couldn’t go another hour without seeing him. 

    RELATED: Love Life: Telling Our Parents Made Our Relationship Easy

    See love o. Did you ever confess about the Dammy thing? 

    Ada: No, but my parents can’t do anything to me now. I’m a married woman. 

    Tell me about the proposal 

    Michael: I started preparing to propose to her in January 2022. I enlisted her friends to help find out the kind of ring she wanted and her size. A friend of mine who owns a restaurant in Lekki offered it as the venue. I also had to speak to her parents and get an event planner. 

    I made sure before I bought the ring, I’d told my family and hers. When I got their approval, I went ahead with getting the ring and setting up a plan. 

    I told her our friend group decided to have a big “February 13” Valentine’s dinner in VI, but the truth was that the event was in Lekki. I didn’t want her to get too suspicious of what was happening. The plan was that she’d come “pick me up” at Lekki, I’d propose to her. 

    On that day, everything was set. Our friends were hiding in the dark, I was on my knees, and the ring was in my hand, but she refused to come down from her Uber. 

    Ada: In my defence, I was being reasonable. He’d told me to pick him up from the place in Lekki so we could go to VI together. I didn’t see the point in ending the trip then trying to order another ride. Plus, I had some bags with me. I didn’t want to wait with my load when he could just walk to the Uber, and we could go. 

    LMAO. What now happened?

    Michael: I don’t know how her friend did it, but she convinced Ada to come inside. They started playing her favourite song as she walked in. I asked her to marry me. After she said yes, our friends came out, and we had dinner to celebrate.

    Ada: I remember walking into the room and trying hard not to step on the roses on the floor because I thought it was for someone else’s Valentine’s Day surprise. 

    LMAO. Does that mean you weren’t suspicious he wanted to propose? 

    Michael: I think I played it well enough that she didn’t know. There were a few close calls like when she was searching the glove compartment of my car for something while the ring was in there. Immediately she went to do something else, I removed it and threw it under my chair. 

    Ada: LMAO. Can you imagine? When he wanted to talk to my parents, I was a bit curious, but I didn’t put my mind on it. 

    Congratulations. How was the wedding? 

    Michael: We’ve technically not done a white wedding yet, but we’ve done an introduction and court wedding. We wanted those things to happen a month before the white wedding. 

    Ada: We’re married by law but haven’t had a wedding ceremony. 

    Why bother with one? 

    Ada: For me, it’s for the things before and after the wedding; getting ready with my bridesmaids, walking down the aisle and the afterparty. I want to celebrate and have fun with my friends. The rest is just formality. 

    Michael: Exactly

    So, let’s talk wedding planning. What’s shocking you and what don’t you understand

    Michael: One thing I’m yet to wrap my head around is the price of a cake. 

    Ada: It seems like such a waste of money. How many people actually eat cakes at a wedding? 

    Michael: The people we’re trying to get a cake from told us we’d pay ₦150k for a three-tiered cake, but only two tiers are actual cake. The base layer is fake and the other two layers are edible. 

    LMAO. Interesting. 

    Michael: DJ’s also cost a lot. I thought we could get good coverage for like ₦70k. If you’re not holding ₦250k upwards, you won’t get anything decent. Also, when it comes to inviting people, you might not think you know people, but you do.

    The venue we’ve gotten can seat only 250 guests, but now that we’re counting, it’s getting to 400+. I keep trying to tell our parents that the hall will not fit all the people they keep inviting but keep insisting that it will. Where will they stay? I’m thinking of doing it strictly by invitation so everyone will have space to breathe. I really don’t want a crowded wedding, but if it ends up that way, that’s everyone’s business. I’m married to the love of my life. 

    Ada: Awww

    God, when o. How will you rate your love life on a scale of 1-10?

    Ada: 10. I’m huge on compatibility and Michael has always fit in with any area of my life. My family and friends love him, so it’s always been him. 

    Michael: I’d give it a 9. Everything about our relationship aligned and she’s everything I’ve ever wanted. We have a lot of plans for ourselves and I love that they align. 

    RELATED: Love Life: We’re Expecting Our First Child After a Year Together

  • Relationships are full of surprises. But what if your boo has a boo that they’re getting married to and it’s not you? Check for these signs so they don’t catch you offside.

    They become sweeter than usual

    Once this starts to happen, it’s either they’re doing send-forth for you, or they’re trying to ease their guilt. Once they start being sweet in a way that’s out of character, jazz up.

    They’re buying you gifts more often

    It’s just consolation for the breakfast you’re about to receive. Think of them as your severance.

    They start ghosting you for extended periods of time

    Maybe they’re having some alone time with the love of their life. Or today’s their family introduction. Whichever one it is, you’re not in the picture.

    They don’t talk about marriage with you

    Obviously, they’re already planning to escape the relationship with somebody else. Open your eyes and ask for their hand in marriage straight up. They’ll probably serve you breakfast, but at least you won’t be caught off-guard.

    RELATED: 5 Nigerian Women Share Why They Regret Getting Married

    They talk about marriage all the time

    Let me just tell you; you’re their unofficial wedding planner. They’re basically using your ideas and imagination to plan their own wedding but you’re smiling at the thought of your opening dance. 

    They start getting strange calls

    Once they start getting calls from unknown numbers and the conversations sound serious, it’s obviously people calling them for stuff they need for their wedding. They’ll tell you it’s a work call but you should know better.

    Their friends start calling you “our wife” or “our husband”

    You’re definitely not their wife or husband. Pack your things and run, my friend. Because in two weeks, you’ll see these people on the internet posing as groomsmen or bridesmaids at your partner’s wedding and you won’t be there. Don’t lose guard.

    NEXT READ: 6 Nigerian Women Share The Best Thing About Being Married

  • Friendships, like all relationships, sometimes get boring over time. That’s why, once in a while, you need to do things to shake the friendship a lil bit and add somespice. 

    Season your friend 

    If it’s the spice you’re looking for, you’re gonna get it. By the time you pourenough thyme and curry on your friend, the friendship will have enough spice for ten people. 

    Blood covenant 

    First person to leave the friendship will fall down and die. If you do it like this, you’ll both be able to take anything life throws at you. 

    Sleep with them 

    What better way to spice up a friendship than by throwing a little sex into the midst, for that extra razzle dazzle? Now, you’re not just friends, you’re friends with benefits. 

    Become their step parent

    What’s better than friends? Family. That’s why becoming your friend’s step parent will definitely add a new dynamic to your friendship. Look at Alicent and Rhynaera; their friendship is definitely spicy now. 

    RELATED: The Most Annoying Characters on “House of Dragons”, Ranked

    Confess your love to them on their wedding day 

    They might hate you for all eternity, or you might just be saving them from the worst marriage of their life. Either way, your friendship will never be the same.  

    Get a job where they work 

    Because being friends is not just enough. You’ll be closer than ever and the office gossip will make even more sense. 

    Move in with them 

    Whether they like it or not, they’ll have found a new roommate. Rent is kuku expensive. 

    RELATED:  7 Important Reasons Why You Need a Friend Group

  • Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    Olisa (29) and Sandra (27) started dating, got engaged and married within a year after meeting on Twitter. They tell us about how it happened, the stress of planning a wedding and their first pregnancy. 

    Click here if you want to be interviewed for Love Life

    How do you meet someone on Twitter? 

    Sandra: Early 2021, I saw a tweet about how Taurus women are always lucky with men. I was very single at the time, and all the men who’d reached out to me were hellbent on hi-ing me to death. I replied to the tweet with “I beg to differ.” 

    Olisa: I saw that comment. It was funny and made me think she had a good sense of humour, so I replied. 

    Before I did, I went through her profile and saw her pictures. She was stunning, had such a gorgeous smile and looked approachable. I tried to get her attention by liking all her pictures. 

    Smooth

    Sandra: Seeing all the notifications made me curious about who was behind the account. I went through his media, and that’s when I tweeted, “You, liking all of my pictures, this is me telling you you’re cute AF”. He liked that tweet and sent me a DM. I was eventually going to text him, but he beat me to it. 

    Olisa: If I’d liked all her pictures and she hadn’t noticed me, I probably wouldn’t have had the courage to text her. 

    I think I’m using my Twitter wrong

    Olisa: I wanted to see her in person as soon as possible, but I couldn’t at first. 

    Sandra: We were both very busy with work. Extremely tight schedules and booked weekends. That’s why when we met a week after we started talking, it was during my lunch break. It was a 30-minute break, but it was lovely. 

    Olisa: I saw her smile, and I knew I was a goner. There was no hope for me. 

    Sandra: During the date, my mum called and he spoke to her. 

    Olisa: I told her mum I was going to marry her. The next day, I asked her to be my girlfriend. 

    In a week? 

    Olisa: There’s something about her. I was so sure from the first picture I saw of her. I didn’t want to waste any time before someone else who saw what I saw would carry her away. 

    Sandra: When he mentioned marriage to my mother and me, I thought he was just spinning my head. You know how all these Lagos boys do? 

    Olisa: I wasn’t lying sha.

    Sandra: It was just that initial fear that you would break my heart.

    Olisa: I’d never. 

    RELATED: Love Life: We Became Lovers by Accident

    God when. What was dating like? 

    Olisa: It was great. The problem was we were both extremely busy people. Between traffic, meetings and stress, seeing each other could’ve been labelled impossible, but we made sure we had dates every weekend, no matter what. 

    Sandra: It could be watching a movie or going out, but we must spend the weekend together. Throughout the five months we dated, he only missed two weekends because we weren’t in the same country. 

    Olisa: I’d just proposed, then I needed to be in America for two weeks. 

    Sandra: Imagine proposing and leaving your fiancée for two whole weeks. I thought he wouldn’t return.

    Olisa: LOL

    Tell me about the proposal 

    Olisa: I knew I wanted to marry her very early on. She’s kind and I knew she would make a fantastic mum. If she loves the child just half as much as she loves me, it’s enough. 

    When I proposed to her, it was on a Sunday after we got back from church. While on the bed, I told her to close her eyes and kiss me. Instead of kissing her, I put the ring on her lips. When she realised it was a ring, she said yes. 

    Sandra: He’s kind, communicates efficiently, is a good listener and even though the world is challenging and tiring, he makes me happy. Saying yes was a no-brainer. 

    Tell me about planning the wedding. How did that go? 

    Sandra: The engagement lasted five months because we kept trying to ensure everything went according to plan. The wedding was in Port Harcourt, where I grew up. I was in charge of everything because he didn’t know the location. 

    Olisa: The stress of the wedding was getting to her, but I tried my best to organise people, make payments on time and schedule movement. Everything from booking flights to dealing with the event centre manager caused us a great deal of stress, and we never want to go through that again. 

    RELATED: Love Life: We Didn’t Need Phones, We Had Love

    That must’ve cost a lot too.

    Olisa: Can’t give an actual figure, but yes, it did. 

    Sandra: I didn’t want people travelling up and down for the wedding. I felt it wouldn’t be safe. So we decided our white and traditional weddings would be on the same day. A white wedding in the morning and the traditional wedding as the reception. 

    Olisa: We had to pay for the accommodation and transportation of our bridal party and family members. 

    Couple with their bridal party

    Sandra: Food, drinks, clothes, photographs, omo. It was a lot. 

    But it looked like you had fun 

    Sandra: We did. Now that that’s over, we’re looking forward to starting our family. I want to start my family traditions like taking Christmas pictures by our tree, going on vacations, etc. 

    Olisa: I’m so excited because I’ve always wanted to start a family. Knowing it’s happening with her makes it so much better. 

    Sandra: I want to have my two children before I turned 30. I’m about to pop now. So, one down, one more to go. 

    How’s pregnancy treating you? 

    Sandra: Great, except for the weird cravings and evening sickness. During my second trimester, I was in a constant state of craving eba. It could be with any soup. I just had to eat eba. 

    Olisa: I try to do my best, but I’m not the one carrying the baby. We had to adjust our outing schedule because she’s not as energetic as she used to be, but I know it’ll pass. 

    Sandra: There’s no easy part, but knowing I’m creating a human is a fantastic feeling. I’m currently on maternity leave, and it’s so dull. I started watching Grey’s Anatomy to keep me busy. 

    Rate your love life on a scale of 1-10

    Sandra: 10. This relationship is everything I’ve always wanted.

    Olisa: 10

    RELATED: Love Life: It Felt Natural to Call Each Other Boyfriend and Girlfriend

  • Open relationship is really not for everybody. Before you try it and end up in the hospital treating a broken heart, maybe you should consider these things.

    Is there actually space in your relationship? 

    Find out if there’s actually space in the relationship. Are you opening it because both of you want it? Or because you’re scared you’d lose your partner? If there’s no space, better leave it closed. 

    Your partner may pull more people than you

    It’s quite possible that your partner will attract more people than you. You’re dating them because they have amazing qualities, abi? People might want to get in on that. 

    RELATED: Love Life: Being Polyamorous Didn’t Stop My Jealousy

    Rules and regulations 

    Open relationships have rules which help to define the structure of your relationship. Have an open and honest conversation with your partner on things they’re allowed and not allowed to do, and make a list of things that can potentially cause chest pain. If the list is too long, better leave your relationship closed. Don’t bring unnecessary sufferhead upon yourself. 

    It won’t solve cheating 

    A cheat will cheat even if they are dating everyone in the world. If you want to open it because one party keeps cheating, don’t bother. 

    RELATED: QUIZ: How Often Do You Cheat in Relationships?

    Communicate like your life depends on it

    It’s so easy to have misunderstandings and petty squabbles when there are more people involved. You’ll need to be patient enough to break down all the information until all parties understand. If you don’t have that much patience, better stay where you are. 

    Can your bank account handle it?

    If you’re barely able to handle the financial commitment that comes with dating one person, how much more multiple people? You want to be paying for transportation and housing for many people? Do you want your account to wreck? 

    Can you go back to the streets?

    You’re already used to the dynamic you and your partner have. Do you have what it takes to go back into the streets and start again with someone new? Ah abeg.

    RELATED: Before You Date a Bad Bitch You Should Be Aware of These 8 Things

  • Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    The subject of this week’s Sunken Ships, Chris* (23), tells us about his relationship with his mother. How she never wanted him to be born nor showed any emotional affection towards him and what it’s like watching her start a new life without him

    Tell me about your earlier memories of your mum 

    Chris: For as long as I can remember, my mum never wanted me. She got pregnant by a man she didn’t know had a wife and child in another country. When she found out, she was devastated. I think she carried all of that resentment and hatred to me. 

    She worked in a bank and was very busy so various nannies raised me. My mum would have left before I woke up and would come back by the time I’d gone to sleep. I remember not seeing her for a whole month. It’s not like she travelled. We lived in the same house, but during weekends and holidays, she’d stay in her room and I’d stay in mine. That was my normal. 

    When did you realise it wasn’t normal? 

    Chris: School. In primary school, I interacted with other children that actually spent time with their mothers. One of my classmates even said that when he’s ill, he goes to his parents’ room and lays on their bed because it makes him feel much better. I had never been allowed to stay in my mother’s room without her permission, talk less of laying on her bed. I was in awe. 

    When I was 9 years old and a bit under the weather, I crept into her room while she was at work and slept on her bed. I just wanted to see what it was like. When she came back, she beat me so hard she removed a milk tooth. She told me never to try that again, and I didn’t. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: There’s Not Much I Need My Father for Now

    I’m so sorry 

    Chris: My mother was never emotionally present, and her room felt like the only space in the house where she could forget I existed. Seeing me there must have spoilt that. 

    When she sent me to boarding school when I was 11 years old, it was the happiest she’d been. She never came for my visiting days or PTA meetings. I made a friend whose parents basically adopted me as their own. They tried to make me feel less alone and I appreciated it. 

    I wish my mum were more involved, but I realised she needed to provide for us. I just wish she showed me a bit more emotion. Do you know she only told me she loved me once? 

    Can you explain? 

    Chris: I was 18 years old and had just graduated from secondary school. When the ceremony was over, she hugged me and told me she was proud of me and loved me. She’d never mentioned it again since then. 

    Do you love her? 

    Chris: I do. The older I got, the more I realised that she’d never love me, but it didn’t stop me from loving her. Now I love her out of fear and I no longer try to do things to please her. If I have to decide between something that’ll make me happy or something that’ll make her happy, I’ll choose myself. 

    She never failed to remind me that the only reason she worked so hard to provide me with all the chances life has to offer was so nobody could ever use it to insult her. She provided and cared for me, so asking for love was too much. I got the memo, but I wish it didn’t take so long. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: My Cousin Grew Up

    How did her words make you feel? 

    Chris: It made me aware of my place in her life. As I said, my love for her changed the more she told me those things. I also felt bad for her. Imagine having this much hate in your heart for someone who never did you anything wrong. It must be difficult. 

    What’s your relationship with her like now? 

    Chris: I moved out of her house in 2020. So, we hardly see each other. She also remarried in 2021 and I had no idea till the wedding day. 

    How come you didn’t know? 

    Chris:  She never bothered to reach out to me except she needed something, and she didn’t feel like including me in her new life. The only reason I knew about the wedding was that I saw it on her WhatsApp status. I knew she was dating the guy, but I didn’t know anything else. 

    God abeg. I’m so sorry.

    Chris: It’s okay. I’m pretty happy with where I am now. She’s making a conscious effort to have a child with this new man she married and I hope it works out. Maybe she’d treat this one differently than me. At least she’d finally have a child she wanted. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: Homophobia Made Us Go From Best Friends to Strangers

  • Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    The subjects of this week’s Love Life, Femi* (28) and Feyitan* (26), who’ve been together for three years, met at an internship in Jumia. They fell for each other during training at Access Bank, but ended up dating other people till they kissed at a friend’s wedding.

    How did both of you meet? 

    Feyitan: We met during an internship at Jumia. I resumed months before him, and since he saw me, he’s been in love with me. 

    Femi: You’re not telling this story well. Let me. 

    In 2017, I resumed as an intern at Jumia. In my second week, I saw one babe with big yansh in a pair of pink pants and I said to myself, “I will marry that woman.”

    I talked to her friend, who introduced me to her. In a short time, Feyitan and I became really close. Coincidentally, we both applied to Access Bank and got into the training school. Everyone at training school told us we were deceiving ourselves with our friendship, but we didn’t mind any of them. At least not until 2019 when she finally told me she loved me and made the first move. 

    Feyitan: I firmly believe we would have gotten together sooner if he had noticed all the green light I was giving. 

    Let’s start with this green light. What were you dropping that he wasn’t picking up? 

    Feyitan: I’d constantly hang out with him and his friends during the training classes. With all the time I spent around him, would that not be considered a green light?

    Femi: Of course not. Especially because after her so-called signs, she ended up dating one of the friends I introduced her to. 

    Feyitan: When I gave you the green light and you didn’t act right, I decided to move to your friend. 

    Femi: What even pained me the most was that they didn’t even have the decency to tell me. I had to find out through another friend. It pained me so much that I cried. My heart broke into a million pieces, but I tried to be strong even though I was dying inside. Whenever I realised she was in a relationship, I’d try to pull back from her because of how sad it made me feel. 

    Feyitan: I wasn’t going to let it happen. I’d still say hi to him when I saw him. He was fighting with me, but I wasn’t fighting with him. About 12 to 15 months later, he got into a relationship. 

    Femi: I had known I liked her since I first set my eyes on her, but I didn’t think she felt the same way. When she started dating my friend, it really hit me that she probably didn’t. I had to put my feelings aside and date someone else. 

    Feyitan, how did his new relationship make you feel? 

    Feyitan: I was still dating his friend, so I only noticed them from afar. I was pretty happy for them. 

    RELATED: Love Life: We Didn’t Plan to Get Lost in the Sauce

    That’s nice, so tell me about the kiss that changed everything

    Femi: Well, it was at a friend’s wedding. One minute I gave her a harmless peck on the cheek while we were dancing; she was tonguing me the next minute.

    Feyitan: You started it, and I helped you finish it.

    Femi: What did I start? I was giving you a friendly peck. 

    Feyitan: You were kissing me all over my face, so I decided to help you out by kissing you. 

    Interesting. How was the kiss? 

    Femi: It was great. Remember how I said I was somehow going to marry this woman? Yeah. The kiss felt great. However, I felt a bit sad because I was in a relationship. 

    Feyitan: His friend and I had broken up months before, and I was not looking for anything serious so soon. I thought at most it would be a fling. 

    But it wasn’t a fling

    Femi: I broke up with my girlfriend less than a month after the kiss. I never told her about it and honestly never planned on telling her. 

    Did you both start dating immediately?

    Femi: No. The problem is we don’t even know when we started dating. We’ve been trying to pick a date so we could celebrate our anniversary, but we don’t know.

    Feyitan: One day, he started calling me his girlfriend, and I started calling him my boyfriend. It felt like the most natural thing in the world. 

    Femi: I still had it in my head I would marry her. Being my girlfriend was the first step.

    RELATED: Love Life: We Became Lovers By Accident

    What was getting into the relationship like? 

    Femi: You think you know someone until you start dating them. Then, you’re introduced to a new version of them. 

    I knew Feyitan was a foodie, but dating her meant I got to see a whole new side to it. She knew what she wanted to eat a week in advance. Meanwhile, I’d be struggling to figure out what I wanted to eat for lunch. 

    If I take too long to decide what to eat, she gets hungry and becomes an entirely different person. It used to get me irritated and annoyed, but I realised that’s just how she is. Me sef, I try to meet her in the middle and figure out what to eat on time. 

    Feyitan: I didn’t think it was that deep. I just wanted to eat and knew there’d be a problem if I didn’t eat. 

    Femi: This is one of the reasons why I say relationships are hard work. You must learn to meet each other in the middle and communicate how you feel. We sometimes have little arguments, but we try to talk it out. 

    Feyitan: I don’t like considering relationships as hard. I prefer a less menacing adjective like complex. Complex because there are a lot of different layers in a relationship. 

    So, this relationship started while you both were in Access Bank. What was it like working together? 

    Feyitan: Well, we worked in different branches, so we hardly got time to interact. It was just that we closed around the same time and spent more time around each other. 

    Femi: I left the bank in 2021 — a year after she did. But while I was there, I’d go to her house after work. We had mini-dates and just spent time together. 

    Feyitan: We lived a few streets away, so it’s not like work was our only chance to spend time together. 

    Femi, about that marriage. How far? 

    Femi: I still want to get married to her, but we’re currently not in the place we want to be financially before we make that huge step. We don’t want to jump into a wedding without being prepared. We plan on paying for the bulk of the wedding expenses ourselves. Plus also plan the life after the wedding. It’s not cheap. 

    Fairs. How would you rate your love life on a scale of 1-10? 

    Feyitan: 8 for me. Nothing goes perfectly and sometimes there are low points in our relationship, but we talk it out. 

    Femi: 9. It’s a really good partnership, but since nothing is perfect, help us hold the other one point.

    Click here if you want to be interviewed for Love Life

    RELATED: Love Life: Being Polyamorous Didn’t Stop My Jealousy

  • Being a bad bitch is difficult enough, but dating one? You need grace, strength and willpower. Another thing you need is this list, in which we break down eight extremely important things you need to know before you date a bad bitch. 

    Avoid her comments section

    If you don’t heed our advice, you might not be able to eat properly for the next couple of days. It’s not because she’s flirting or anything, but the amount of people openly saying they don’t care if she’s in a relationship? It’s enough to instil the fear of God into your heart. If you weren’t someone who prayed before, better start now. 

    Remind yourself she chose you 

    Out of all the other people throwing themselves at her, you’re who she calls home. You’ve seen her at her worst, so be calm. If you feel anyhow, beat your chest three times and dust it off. 

    Believe in your sauce

    You can’t be with a bad bitch if you have low self-esteem. People will try to disrespect you to her face or belittle you. Sure, she shuts it down immediately, but new people will try again. You need to believe you’re also the prize. Their dads. 

    Learn photography

    One thing about a bad bitch is she’ll look hot 24/7, and she has to document her beauty. Sure, your relationship should be built on love and trust, but your ability to take fire pictures could make or mar your relationship. Better go and enrol in photography school. 

    RELATED: 16 Signs You’re Not the Bad Bitch You Think You Are

    Jealousy is fine

    It’s alright to be jealous because of the calibre of people moving to her, but what matters is how you behave. Don’t go and do anything stupid before you lose your bad bitch, because you may never recover. 

    Make money

    She might not ask, but the urge to spend on her increases every single time you look at her face. You think being a bad bitch is cheap? It’s not, and your pockets will suffer. 

    She needs time with the girls

    Every bad bitch needs to recharge with her girls. It’s where they top up their bad bitchery. There might be a lot of alcohol and drunk texts of her telling you how she wants to tear your clothes, but don’t worry, she’d probably fall asleep in an hour. 

    Embrace her weirdness 

    All bad bitches have a very weird trait you’d see once you’re close to them. Either their stomach behaves like an opp 23/6 or they eat weird food combinations. Whatever the behaviour, just prepare for high levels of exposure to it. You think dating a bad bitch is easy? 

    People will spend double your salary on her in a day 

    One thing bad bitches attract is people with money. So don’t be surprised if there are people spending your one-month salary on her head. Look at it this way, it helps you save your own for other things. Plus, anything they buy for her is technically for both of you. Yes, even her Dior bag. Better borrow it.

    RELATED: 8 Sure Ways to Become a Certified Bad Bitch

  • Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    The subjects of this week’s Love Life are Jaymes*(23) and Seyi*(20), a polyamorous couple who got together five days after they started talking. Since then, they’ve had to deal with one of them being outed as queer, navigating multiple relationships and the jealousy it comes with. 

    Click here if you want to be interviewed for Love Life

    Tell me how both of you started talking

    Jaymes: We met on Twitter. I’d seen Seyi fighting all over the timeline, but I never messaged them until at the beginning of 2021 when they tweeted something that made me worry about them. 

    Seyi: What do you mean “fighting”?

    Jaymes: If anyone talked anyhow about women or queer people, you were there to help them press reset on their brain. 

    Seyi: I was doing it out of the goodness of my heart. It was community service, thankless work. 

    Jaymes: Yes, baby. Well done. 

    After I messaged them on Twitter, it’s not like we spoke constantly. We only talked to each other when we remembered. And I only remembered when I saw them behaving like an agbero on my timeline. 

    Seyi: You’re very rude, you know? I’m a sweet and kind person. 

    Jaymes: Of course. 

    LMAO. If the talking wasn’t consistent, how did you start dating?

    Jaymes: Well, we started talking consistently in March of 2021. I don’t even remember why. I just know we spent five hours on the phone during our first proper interaction, talking. 

    Seyi: And this was what we did for the next five days. We spent 11-14 hours on the phone each day. When we weren’t on the phone, we were texting. 

    Were you people unemployed? 

    Seyi: Yes, but I also had classes. We texted while I was in class. 

    Jaymes: On the fifth day, asking them out just fell from my mouth. They agreed, but it cost me ₦20k. 

    How? 

    Seyi: He lost a bet with his friends on how long he could last before he asked me out.

    Jaymes: I have a track record of asking people out almost immediately after we start consistently talking. After the first day I spent hours on the phone with Seyi, I told my friends about them, and my friends told me I’d behave like I always do. I said this was different, so we all put money on it. I’d win if I could make it till the time they set without asking Seyi out. I didn’t. 

    How much time did they set? 

    Seyi: Seven days.

    Jaymes: Looking back at it, it was a very stupid decision not to wait for the seven days.

    Seyi: Yes, because we could’ve used that money for something. 

    Jaymes: I agree. It was worth it though. I lost the money, but I’ve got the most amazing human alive.

    Seyi: You’re so sweet. 

    But what were you people talking about for five days?

    Seyi: He’d sing to me, we’d talk about how our days went,  joke and laugh. Rant about stuff that was unfair, our lives, what we wanted in a partner, etc. We asked all the talking stage questions of what do you like, favourite colour, etc. 

    We video-called sometimes and danced. It was the kind of talk that’ll make you sit under your dining table smiling like a goat. That meme of the guy on the bed and holding a broom on the phone was me.

    So I knew he would lose the bet. I’d already told my friends and other boyfriend there was someone I liked and might start dating so they won’t be surprised when I did. 

    Ah yes, another boyfriend 

    Seyi: Yeah, I was in a relationship with someone for a year and some months by the time Jaymes and I started talking. 

    RELATED: I Realised I am Polyamorous in 2020

    How did that work? 

    Seyi: My other boyfriend, Kunle*, and I told each other about the people we liked before getting into a relationship with them. So when I started talking to Jaymes, I told Kunle about it. 

    I went from “Hey, I’ve been talking to this person I really like and think I might date” to “This person asked me out, and I said yes” a few days later. That caused a slight problem because Kunle just thought I’d been talking to Jaymes for a long time and kept it from him. When he confronted me about it, I told him the truth. That it happened fast. And I think he accepted that. 

    Jaymes, are you also polyamorous? 

    Jaymes: Yup. Unlike Seyi, I didn’t have another partner at the time, but there was someone else I was in love with. I’d always known I was capable of loving multiple people at the same time, and that’s why I stopped forcing myself to try and be in monogamous relationships. 

    We both understood how we worked, so we hardly had problems with it. But we had some slight issues.

    What were the issues? 

    Seyi: Well, we stayed in two different states, but there also was the fact that he got outed as queer to his parents. That period was very scary for me because I couldn’t be there him, so I had to rely on calls and texts whenever he had the chance to.

    Jaymes: Add the fact that I’d gotten diagnosed with schizophrenia towards the end of 2020 and the outing led to multiple psychotic breaks. I was dealing with that, changing schools and being cut off from my parents. 

    I’m so sorry. That’s a lot for one person 

    Jaymes: It’s mostly all right now, but then? Because my parents cut me off,  I didn’t have my medication, which made me very paranoid. I believed everyone was out to get me, Seyi included.

    I don’t know how they were able to cope, but I do know if not for my patient and magnificent friends and partner, I might’ve lost it.

    I’d call at odd hours because I had severe nightmares. At one point, I felt bad for Seyi. I figured it was too much to make one person deal with and that I was detrimental to their life and wellbeing, so I broke up with them. 

    RELATED: 7 Nigerians Talk About Being in Love With Someone With a Mental Illness

    Seyi: When he broke up with me, I didn’t feel bad about it. I knew and understood why he thought what he did. All that mattered to me was that he knew he was safe. 

    Jaymes: After I told them I wanted us to break up via text, I wanted to take it back immediately, but I was in school and the network randomly disappeared. 

    When I eventually got to them, I told them I wanted us to get back together. The breakup lasted for a total of 12 hours, but it took us at least a week before we stopped walking on eggshells around each other.  

    How long were you both together when the outing happened? 

    Seyi: Six months, so it was fairly early into the relationship. 

    Jaymes: I’m grateful for them in my life because they supported me through everything. I started freelancing to make some money, and Seyi tried to make sure I got my medication and was taking them. I’d skip some days to try to drag the drugs out for longer though. 

    Seyi, and you did all this while navigating a second relationship? 

    Seyi: Yeah, navigating both relationships was okay for a while. Kunle and I had both been in and out of relationships while dating each other, so we knew how the dynamic worked. But things kind of got rocky when Jaymes came to Lagos. 

    RELATED: Love Life: She’s Polyamorous but I’m Not

    Why? 

    Seyi: I thought since I had a partner, Kunle, whom I regularly saw one partner when I was in Lagos, it was okay to spend more time with the one I hardly saw. But that didn’t work. They both felt I was giving the other person more attention, and it was extremely stressful. 

    Jaymes: I knew they were trying their best, but there were two incidents in which the three of us would be at the same event and I just felt jealous. 

    I didn’t have issues with Kunle personally, we were actually pretty cool. It’s just that I wasn’t going to be in the same physical location as my partner again till heaven knows when. I wanted to savour every moment and spend as much time with them as I could, but I still had to share that with someone else. 

    How did you navigate the jealousy?

    Jaymes: Well, I’d been jealous before. Whenever they hung out, I’d feel bad because all I had were calls and texts. I wanted to just hold their hand or go on a physical date with them. 

    As time passed, I was more comfortable speaking about how I felt. They reminded me that us not being in the same places didn’t mean they loved me less or didn’t want to hang out with me. They listened and didn’t judge me for being jealous. We’d talk about all of the things we’d do when we meet, have our long ass calls, and most times, sleep on the phone.

    So when I was in Lagos, we talked through it. They’d listen, reassure me and ask questions about how I felt and things that made me upset. They’re amazing. That’s why when they and Kunle broke up eight months after we started dating, I wanted to be as there for them as possible. 

    RELATED: Love Life: We Didn’t Need Phones, We Had Love

    Seyi, why did you and Kunle break up? 

    Seyi: The reasons were a lot. He said the distance was hard for him. Meanwhile, he was in Ikeja and I was in Yaba. He also said he wanted to be monogamous and that I never sexted him. It was a lot of nonsense. 

    Jaymes: If I was in Lagos, I’d have put Kunle in a hospital. I even contemplated travelling just to come and fight. He was so stupid. 

    Seyi: I’m really glad Jaymes was there for me. He was so good to me. Letting me rant, ranting with me, listening, reassuring me and dealing with the insecurities the breakup caused. I didn’t stop being heartbroken, but I recovered enough to focus on the person I was still dating. 

    Glad you both have each other. Any new relationships? 

    Seyi: None from me. I don’t think I have the mental and physical energy to date anyone right now else. 

    Jaymes: I started dating someone new last week. 

    Rate your love life on a scale of 1-10

    Seyi: 8. Minus one for distance and the other because, sometimes, we have issues communicating how we feel to one another, but we’re working on it.

    Jaymes: 8.5

    Seyi: Na wa. Where did the .5 come from? 

    Jaymes: It’s jara now. Despite the difficulties we’ve had, I learnt what love without fear means. It’s safe to be all of who I am without hiding, shrinking or being scared to say how I feel.

    Click here if you want to be interviewed for Love Life

    RELATED: Love Life: Telling Our Parents Made Our Relationship Easy

  • Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    Halimat* and Aisha* (both 21) live in the same estate, are from the same state and once shared the same interests. So they were bound to be friends. But after four years, distance strained the relationship and an act of mistrust caused it to end. 

    Click here if you want to be interviewed for Sunken Ships

    How did you meet? 

    Halimat: My aunt had a shop in the estate where I lived. I occasionally helped her out, and it allowed me to meet a lot of people in the estate. Aisha was one of them. She was my age, and we were from the same state, so we kind of gravitated towards each other. We eventually got pretty close.

    How close and why?

    Halimat: Apart from the age and state thing, we had other things in common. We both went to Islamic schools, and our love for American music and YA novels made us outcasts there. Plus, we lived two minutes apart. We were able to see each other whenever we wanted. 

    We’d run errands together, listen to our favourite songs and talk about books. It was nice to have someone to share these things with since most of the other girls my age didn’t want to talk about things like that. There was a time we trekked the whole estate together because we were bored. I loved us doing silly things like that, and she felt like a sister. 

    That sounds great, but you’re here so something must have happened

    Halimat: When it was time for us to enter universities, I got admission, but she didn’t. So I had to travel for school while she stayed back at home to do her A levels. One of my biggest flaws is once I can’t see you, I don’t care about you. Out of sight, out of mind.

    She was also really busy with her A levels and the first year of university, studying Biology, was after my life. It was a new environment with very stressful courses. Whatever time I wasn’t using to study and attend classes, I was trying to rest. 

    The few times we did have a conversation, it was confusing. She’d reference people she met during her A levels, and I’d talk about people in school; we were out of the loop in each other’s lives. We went from seeing each other every day to barely speaking at all.

    When ASUU went on strike, I thought that would remedy the situation, and I’d get my friend back.

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: I Lost My Best Friend and I Blame Nigeria

    Why didn’t it?

    Halimat: The first problem was I’d become a lot less lax with Islam. I stopped covering my hair and was very vocal about never doing that again. She, on the other hand, was still very modest. We still had the same interests so I could let some of her comments about me not covering my hair slide. 

    When I got back home, she came to my house, and we spent some time in the living room catching up. I told her about all the things that happened that session, and I included travelling to another state to see my friend. To put things into perspective, the trip cost me ₦1k, and I did it because there was a writing workshop in that state and my friend offered to house me. 

    When I told Aisha this, she blew up in my face, shouting at me for being careless and things like that. I was so confused because she was the same girl who travelled to see her boyfriend. What gave her the authority to speak to me in that manner? But I brushed it off and went to the kitchen to cook. 

    What happened next? 

    Halimat: Ten minutes after the conversation, my mum called me to the living room and started shouting at me, telling me the roads weren’t safe and I was putting my life at risk. I was confused at first, then angry. I’d taken those same “unsafe” roads for my grandma’s burial she wanted me to attend. So why was this different? 

    I didn’t say anything to her because of how angry I was. Afterwards, Aishat told me she only told my mum because she “cared”, but I wasn’t buying it. I told her something because I trusted her, not so she could tell my mum my business. 

    So you didn’t speak to her again?

    Halimat: I did, but not by choice. A couple of days after the incident, my mother forced me to go to Aishat’s house to talk to her. Aishat had apparently been talking to her own mother about how I’ve refused to speak to her. 

    When I got to the house, her mother tried to remind us we were more than just friends, but I wasn’t interested in what they were selling. I spent very little time there and got back home. I told my other best friend about the situation, and he went to confront her. She got very angry because I was talking to other people about what she did, but I didn’t care for her anger. 

    What did you do? 

    Halimat: Nothing. I wouldn’t apologise because she’d betrayed my trust, and as a result, had forfeited any right she had over me. 

    Fair. Did she ever apologise? 

    Halimat: Once they called off the strike a couple of months later, she texted me that she doesn’t beg people who are angry with her, but she was putting her pride aside because she rates me. I told her congratulations and blocked her. That was such a half-assed apology; it annoyed me even more.

    Did you talk again after then? 

    Halimat: Three years later, when my dad died, she came to my house for a condolence visit. It felt like she was trying to rekindle something, but I wasn’t interested. Not just because of what happened, but because I’d gotten tired of all the condolence visits. She stayed for 30 minutes, and it was awkward for everyone involved. 

    Do you think you’d ever be friends again? 

    Halimat: I don’t think so. I find it hard to trust people completely, but I trusted her and look what she did. I’ve forgiven her, but I’d never forget. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: Her Jealousy Almost Ruined My Life