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  • Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    Sarah* (23) and Timi* (24), moved from “friends of friends” to “close friends” because of their shared love for anime. But after his attempts to have sex with her didn’t work, their friendship crumbled. 

    Let’s start from the beginning

    Sarah: Timi and I started off as friends of friends. We knew the same people and would occasionally see each other at events. Our interactions were “hello” and “hi” until March 2021, the day I met him at a friend’s place. I walked into them having an anime argument and joined in. 

    Then they started talking about an anime I didn’t have. Timi offered to send it to me with his hard drive. Shey if I had known what would happen between us, I’d have found another way to watch the anime? 

    What happened? 

    Sarah: He collected my number and later that week, called to ask if he could bring the drive over. It was a Saturday. The only reason I agreed was because I needed something to spend my weekend doing. 

    After he shared the anime with me, he started asking for updates on how it turned out and my conclusion on the earlier argument.

    That’s how we got close. From ranting about anime to talking about non anime things, we became friends on our own. 

    What was the friendship like? 

    Sarah: It was pretty great. He was always there for me. I remember when he came to sit with me in my house because I had cramps and was scared of being alone. We read together, attended parties and were involved in each other’s lives. His younger sister and I kept in touch quite often. 

    We got so close in the span of four months people started making wedding and marriage jokes. It annoyed me whenever they did, but Timi always laughed and told me not to worry about it.

    He became my best friend and the marriage jokes continued. I wasn’t surprised they thought like that. He was in my house a lot. Sometimes, when people come to visit him, I’m in his house half-naked. I cook for him and bring to his house. We go out together to watch movies or beach dates. I enjoyed spending time with him, but I didn’t want to date him. 

    He didn’t fit the bill for what I wanted out of my life. I love him to death but he can be a bit irresponsible. Plus, he’s the kind of person who’s a great friend but a terrible boyfriend, and it’s caused a couple of fights between us. I didn’t want to put myself through that. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: What’s Friendship Without Trust

    So when did you start having problems as friends? 

    Sarah: The first time he tried to kiss me. It was during a house party in February [2022] and he was drunk. Luckily for him, I decided I wouldn’t drink a lot, so I kept watching over him. At one point, I lost him when he said he was going to pee. When he finally resurfaced, he grabbed my face and said he missed me then he tried to kiss me. Since I was sober, I could dodge the kiss. He had a mini tantrum, talking about how he’s been wanting to have sex with me for a while now and I keep fucking everyone but him. 

    I was shocked because I barely had sex with anyone. I chalked it up to drunk hysterics and got us home. The next morning, he didn’t act like anything happened, so I dropped it. 

    The next time he tried something like that was two weeks later. I was cooking stew and he came behind me in the kitchen and started kissing my neck. I could feel his erection through his trousers. I felt weird so I pushed him off me with the excuse that I needed to use the bathroom. 

    Did you ever confront him about it? 

    Sarah: Not until the time he actually made a proper move on me in May. We were in the house together, drinking and watching a romantic movie like we do once in a while when he started rubbing my thigh. He was telling me how much he could treat me better than the men in my life, that’s why it was unfair I was sleeping with people who made me cry when he was right there. I told him to stop, but he didn’t remove his hand. 

    He kept trying to make me “see his side” — that he’s been here doing all of these things for me, why don’t I want to give him a chance? I told him I didn’t see him that way and he got angry. He shouted at me and that I didn’t deserve good things and stormed off. 

    Wow

    Sarah: Na real wow o. I called him the next day to find out what was going on, but he didn’t pick my calls. I went to his house but he didn’t open the door for me. I was heartbroken because someone I thought was my friend was only around because he wanted to sleep with me? Did all the time we spent together mean nothing to him? I was heartbroken for months. My friends really rallied around me and helped me return all his property.

    Did he ever try reaching out? 

    Sarah: Yes, he did. He texted to say he was sorry in September, but my best friend replied and told him to shove the apology up his smelling yansh. That made me laugh. He should go to hell. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: I Wasn’t Her Emergency Wallet

    Click here to buy tickets to Z!fest

  • We’re already in November and your enemies are mocking you because you’ve not found a romantic partner yet. However, it’s never too late to find love. Let’s help you to help yourself. 

    Someone’s marital home 

    The love of your life can be another person’s partner. Don’t let something as silly as marriage stop you from finding them.

    INEC office 

    Whenever you go to collect your voter’s card, keep your eyes open because the love of your life could be there. At least, if you find love in INEC office, you know the person is a responsible citizen who cares about Nigeria. 

    The nation’s capital 

    If Abuja can boast of having a travel influencer President, then why not the person you’ll spend the rest of your life with? Exactly. 

    Traffic

    You already spend all your time in it. Might as well find love there. You can distribute flyers or carry a megaphone around to announce your singlehood. Any one works. 

    RELATED: QUIZ: Which Lagos Traffic Are You

    Market 

    No one knows exactly what they sell in all these big markets. So who says you can’t buy someone who’ll love you forever? 

    Linkedin 

    Not every time startup announcement. Sometimes, announce that you’re searching for someone to wear matching pyjamas with. 

    Z! Fest 2022

    Hundreds of young, beautiful Nigerians all in one place? If you don’t find love, love will find you. Since it’s November 26th, you have one month to do talking stage —more than enough time to start dating by Christmas.

    Click here to buy your Z!fest tickets

  • Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    The subjects of this week’s love life, Isoken* (19) and Dami* (21), met at a tutorial centre in 2020. They talk about why she turned him down the first three times he asked her out, lying to her parents about their relationship and dealing with their religious differences. 

    Tell me about your first impressions of each other 

    Isoken: I thought he talked too much.

    Dami: I considered her a snub. She had friends who acted like they were better than everyone. Once, my friend went up to her to try to get her number, but she ignored him. 

    Isoken: The guy looked rough. I wasn’t interested. 

    Dami: You could say I was curious. That’s why during a chemistry class in the tutorial centre we attended, I decided to sit beside her. She was all alone, and I felt we could have a decent conversation if her friends weren’t with her. 

    Isoken: I wasn’t shocked when he sat down beside me. I’d caught him staring at me on different occasions during our classes. 

    Dami: How did you know I was looking at you if you weren’t always looking at me too? 

    Isoken: You had some female friends I knew. I looked at them, and you just happened to be in their presence. I’m neither rude nor a snub. I’m just not good at making new friends. That’s why I didn’t chase him away when he sat beside me. 

    What did you talk about? 

    Isoken: Phones o. 

    Dami: I’m not good at making conversation, so I don’t even know how we started talking about phones. 

    Isoken: See what I mean by he talked too much? The few conversations we had were always off-point. 

    He’s lucky I’m a cool and calm person. If not, once his rubbish talk started, I’d have pushed him away. 

    Dami: I collected her number because I wanted to talk to her more on WhatsApp.

    Isoken: I felt compelled to give him. He’d been there, talking to me for a long time. I didn’t want his effort to be in vain.

    How did the WhatsApp conversations go?

    Dami: Initially, it was awkward. There were occasional hi’s and hello’s, but nothing serious until I started observing how she spoke to her friends during and after the tutorials. She seemed pretty cool based on the snippets of the conversation I heard. I also knew she was smart because of the way she participated in class. With all that information, I started putting more effort into our texts, and actually trying to start serious conversations. 

    Isoken: We talked frequently about our fears and aspirations. I realised he was someone whose company I enjoyed, and by April, we’d become good friends. After that, the friendship was off and on. Dami, explain why. 

    Dami: Between April and December [2019], I asked her out three times. I liked her a lot; the way she talked and behaved captivated me. 

    However, she kept saying she wasn’t ready to get into a relationship. I’d stop talking to her for a while, only to come back and continue our friendship from where we stopped. 

    Isoken, why were you always turning him down? 

    Isoken: I liked light-skinned men; Dami is darker. He didn’t look like the kind of guy I’d date. Plus, I wasn’t ready for what he looked for in a relationship. 

    Like what? 

    Isoken: The second time he asked me out, I remember asking him what he expected from the relationship and how he expected it to play out. I never saw sex as something one did at the beginning of getting to know someone, but he made it sound necessary. 

    Dami: At that time, I was really immature and all my beliefs about relationships were wrong. 

    Isoken: He didn’t realise this on time. Then in February 2020, almost a year after we’d met, he started dating someone else. My phone got spoilt, and I couldn’t talk to him for a while.

    Dami: The relationship lasted for about three months. She broke up with me a couple of weeks before my birthday in May. I was sad because I thought 2020 was the year I celebrated my birthday while in a relationship. Add the fact that it was in the middle of lockdown, and I had nothing to do. 

    While I was spending my birthday sulking, I got a text from Isoken, wishing me a happy birthday.

    Isoken: I slipped my sim into my mum’s phone to send the message. I missed him and wanted to use his birthday as a chance to talk to him. 

    RELATED: Love Life: We Didn’t Have Phones, We Had Love

    Dami: She eventually got a new phone in June, and we continued talking. That same month, I came to stay with my dad, who lived close to her house. I asked her to see me and she did. That was the first time we saw each other physically since the tutorial ended in May 2019. 

    In July 2020, I asked her out for the fourth time, and she said yes. 

    Isoken: I noticed when I knew he was dating someone else, it made me sad. I felt entitled to him. I wasn’t ready to date, but I didn’t want to lose him again. Plus, I think that relationship made him a better person. We talked about dating for two days because I kept asking him questions. I wanted to be aware of what I was getting into. 

    It’s been two years since then. What’s the relationship been like? 

    Isoken: For me, it’s been a blessing. I found a friend and a lover all in one. We’ve had our ups and downs, and no one is perfect, but we always find our way around whatever it is that’s troubling us. 

    Dami: This relationship is the best thing. I call her my teacher because I’ve learnt a lot from her, and she’s helped to bring out a better version of me. There are times I find it difficult to make decisions on my own, but she’s always there to give me advice and help ease the burden. 

    Isoken, you mentioned finding ways around things that trouble you both. Things like what? 

    Isoken: For one, distance. I’m currently in Benin, and he’s in Lagos, so we can’t see each other as often as we’d like. We make up for it with phone calls and texts. Unfortunately, when we’re both in the same state, we hardly get a chance to see each other. 

    Why? 

    Isoken: My parents are very strict. They believe I shouldn’t get into a relationship with someone until I want to marry. How’s that possible if I don’t date first? 

    To be with Dami, there’s a lot of sneaking around involved. I’ll have to lie to my parents about my whereabouts so I can spend the day with him. I don’t like lying to my parents, but it’s the only way. 

    Sometimes, I think it’s unfair I’m the one who has to do all the lying and sneaking around. It’s very stressful. 

    RELATED: Love Life: Telling Our Parents Made Our Relationship Easy

    Dami: My mum knows her to be my girlfriend, but we haven’t had a chance to have any conversation about her yet. Maybe she wants to see how far it goes first. One thing I know for sure is whatever I want, my mother will want the same for me.

    Isoken: I tried to introduce him to my parents, but once they asked him about his religion, and I said he’s a Muslim? They locked up immediately and started preaching about how I shouldn’t get into relationships. In their eyes, he’s a guy I’m just friends with. They have a problem with people of different faiths getting into a relationship. Although we’ve been together for two years, I still think about our different faiths. My religion is very important to me, so it’s all very confusing.

    Dami: I don’t consider the religion thing a big issue. I just know I want to marry her and build a family with her eventually.

    Isoken: The end goal of the relationship is marriage, but maybe along the line, we’ll figure out how to navigate the religion thing. 

    I wish you both luck. On a scale of 1-10, how’ll you rate your love life? 

    Isoken: 7. The distance and the sneaking around takes it down several points. 

    Dami: 8. We can’t see each other often enough. 

    RELATED: Love Life: We’re Roommates Who Fell in Love

  • Folake* and Seun* (both 25)  became fast friends after meeting at a party a year ago. Their lives revolved around having a fun time and elevating the other person’s stress, but money problems ended all that. 

    How do you become friends with someone you meet at a party? 

    Folake: The party happened in October 2019. I was there because I needed to have a fun time and life was stressful. However, for most of the party, I noticed she stood alone and looked uncomfortable. When I asked her what was wrong, she explained that she had followed her roommate, who had ditched her for a boy. I felt bad for her, so I stood there with her and tried to cheer her up. We danced, took shots, and eventually exchanged numbers. When she wanted to leave, I ordered her a ride and she texted me when she got home. 

    The following week, we met at another party and this time, I was the one who didn’t know anyone there. We had a good time together and I realised maybe we could build some sort of friendship. The next day, when I woke up with the most irritating hangover, there was already a text from her saying how much she likes partying with me and that she knows spending time with me will be fun. I thought it was fate. 

    Did you both get to hang out? 

    Folake: We did and it was the most fun I had. I met her at a point in my life when I needed new friends. Making friends as an adult is scary and I didn’t know how to do it. Most people have their cliques that have existed for years. Some of them are the ones you don’t even fit into because they’re of a different social class than you are. 

    I was down in the dumps and life wasn’t going so well. Seun seemed like the answer to my prayers. Once-a-week catch-ups became mandatory for us. There’ll be good food, alcohol and lots of gossip. We became really fast friends. 

    There was no event we attended alone. If Seun wasn’t going to be there, I wouldn’t be there and vice versa. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: What’s Friendship Without Trust

    When did the problems start?

    Folake: In 2020, when the pandemic happened. They’d just announced a lockdown and companies were moving different. Seun’s job slashed her already rubbish salary in half. One minute she was paying for our brunch dates and the next, she could barely afford her rent. 

    It was a tough time for her and I noticed how much her behaviour changed. She wasn’t as lively or bubbly as she used to be. She was always tired because she had to pick up extra jobs. I tried my best to be there for her as much as possible. We couldn’t eat out because of the pandemic, but I’d sometimes get her food from the places she liked. Occasional gift deliveries to remind her that I care and love her. 

    I could afford to do all of this because I had a bit more money than she did. I always believed that in situations where one person had a more significant advantage, it is normal for that person to help and do more. It’s a rule I applied to all my friendships and romantic relationships. All of these things I mentioned are what set the tone for the actual problem.

    What was the problem? 

    Folake: I started sending her money. ₦20k and ₦50k there. It wasn’t going to do much, but at least it was something she could manage. I’ll occasionally send her money to fuel her car or get some groceries. She never asked and I just did because I could, but then entitlement set in.

    She started calling and demanding money. At first, it was small things like her card declined and she needed ₦5k to pay for something she bought, to asking me for money for her router because her bank app wasn’t working. Initially, the requests were so small I wasn’t bothered then the demands started getting more ridiculous. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: I Couldn’t Keep Up With Her Lifestyle

    Like what? 

    Folake: She once asked me for money for her rent. Rent she’s paying almost ₦2,000,000? How did she want me to do it? Where did she want me to see the money? Am I a thief? 

    Before then, it had been things like buying a new wig or changing her phone. She then graduated from that to asking me to borrow her money. I don’t like to borrow people money because they hardly ever pay me back, but I borrowed her anyways. Till today, I haven’t gotten a single kobo back. 

    So there’s the random money I’d send her, buying her expensive things and still borrowing her money she never paid me back. lt felt like I was going destitute. I am the last born so I never had siblings to send money to. There’s nobody I take care of except my parents and myself, but there she was. I started avoiding picking her calls because I knew she’d bill me. 

    That sounds like a lot for you

    Folake: It was. Especially when I told her no. She’d give me the silent treatment for days and start shading me on social media. Things like how people aren’t there for you on your bad days. I’d feel so bad. I’d give her what she asked for. 

    How long did this go on for?

    Folake: She got the slashed salary in July 2020. I remember sending her money till February of 2021. So, seven to eight months of her attitude. All the other friends I had told me to cut her off, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. It felt like I was abandoning her at the time she needed it the most. 

    But you did eventually 

    Folake: I was scrolling through Twitter one day in March and I saw her reply to someone’s post about her getting a promotion and taking them out to dinner. I was so confused because she didn’t mention it to me. It was even more confusing when a couple of days after I saw the post, she called me to ask me for money to add to her grocery shopping money. Someone that was supposedly taking other people to dinner at this overpriced Lagos restaurants? That’s when I realised I’d been played. 

    I blocked her everywhere and cried myself to sleep. I thought of all the times I had sent her job opportunities and money, tried to be there for her when she was sad, never tried to make her feel less than because she couldn’t afford certain things. With all the kindness I tried to show to her, this was how I was repaid? 

    Did you talk to her about it? 

    Folake: No. I don’t want to hear whatever explanation she wants to give. She had so many chances to explain herself over the years but she didn’t. If you rate someone enough to constantly use them for emotional and financial labour, when things get better for you, they should at least be aware. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: I Became Monogamous for Him

  • Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    Adaeze* (21) and Angel* (23) were roommates who fell in love along the line. In this episode of Love Life, they talk about developing feelings during the ASUU strike, hiding their romance from their other roommates and navigating religious guilt and internalised homophobia. 

    Click here if you want to be interviewed for Love Life

    Tell me your first impression of each other 

    Adaeze: It was September 2021, the beginning of a new school session. She was one of the last people to move into our room, but immediately she came in, she started smiling and talking to everyone as if she’d known us before. 

    Angel: The first time I saw her, I didn’t even think we’d have a good relationship. We didn’t talk as much as I did with my other roommates. She didn’t seem like a social person. 

    The first night we had a conversation, she was saying some homophobic things, so I thought we’d be cordial at best. 

    Adaeze: Yet here I was thinking we’d be friends. I liked the energy she brought into the room. She may have wanted to just be cordial, but I was determined to get to know her better. 

    How did the shift from roommates to friends happen? 

    Angel: The next day, we got a chance to actually have more one-on-one conversations over time. We had this “midnight friendship” where we’d be up together when everyone else was asleep, talking about how our day went. She’s such a good listener. 

    Before I knew what was happening, I was looking forward to having conversations with her. She was so sweet, constantly getting things I wanted and going out of her way to make sure I was comfortable. She’d lay my bed for me or get me food when I’m hungry. 

    Adaeze: I think it dawned on me how close we’d gotten when her birthday rolled around. She’d resumed school a week to her birthday, so of course, we barely knew each other by then, but I wanted to buy her a gift. 

    I kept fighting the urge, so I eventually ended up not doing it. I regretted it so badly because I didn’t think she got as much care as she deserved. Whatever I’d have given her would’ve made a significant difference. I didn’t do it because I didn’t want her to think I was crazy or for her to interpret my actions wrongly. 

    In the past, I’d cared so much about the female friends in my life that people made jokes that I liked girls. It always scared me and hurt my feelings. 

    Angel: It’s not like it stopped you because you bought me food every night from a place I mentioned I liked. 

    Adaeze, why did the jokes bother you? 

    Adaeze: I was scared they were right and I actually liked girls. It was an internal battle because I knew I liked boys, and I thought it could only be one or the other. That’s when I learnt about being bisexual and that was scary too. 

    I’m a Christian. All my life, I’d been taught liking the same sex was wrong. That’s why when Angel helped me point out I had feelings for my best friend, I was so sad. It felt like I had this huge secret I had to spend the rest of my life keeping. 

    Angel: I remember when she came to meet me about her problems. It was February 2022, just before we went on strike. Her best friend had gone on a date with a man, and Adaeze had been sulking the entire day. She’d cooked food at around 5 p.m. and was about to eat when her best friend came back. Someone who’d not eaten all day, she left the room to meet the babe and even slept there. When she came back around 12 p.m. the next day, she kept complaining to me about how hurt she was by her friend going on a date. 

    I couldn’t believe she was so oblivious to her feelings. Everyone in the room could tell she had feelings for her best friend, but not Adaeze. She thought it was just “friendship”. 

    We talked about it and she realised her feelings were not the type you’d have for a friend. Seeing her so hurt about it hurt me too. I wished I could make all her pain disappear. It also made me aware of how jealous I was of their relationship. I had a crush on Adaeze, and I wanted her to feel as strongly for me as she did for this babe. 

    Adaeze: My midnight friend was my only confidant during that period. No matter how busy she was with school and work, whenever I told her I needed to talk, she’d drop everything and attend to me. Then the strike happened and our conversations didn’t immediately translate well over text. 

    RELATED: Love Life: We Finally Met Up Because of Christmas Chicken

    What was it like? 

    Angel: Too much time at home, so I was depressed and unable to text. We didn’t talk as much as we did when we were in school. 

    Adaeze: We’d reply each other’s statuses and check in once in a while. 

    Angel: But then, we started calling each other and the conversations were much better. We could be on the phone from 9 p.m. to 3 a.m. I don’t think a day went by without us speaking to each other. Even if it was just to see how the other person was doing.  

    Adaeze: Initially, we mostly discussed the issues I had with my best friend, but over time, it became “I just want to hear Angel’s voice.”

    Angel: Sometime in May, I jokingly said that I liked her but was going to suppress it because of her feelings for the other babe. From then, she started to question her feelings towards me and admitted it was beyond platonic. 

    Did it go beyond declaring feelings for each other? 

    Angel: In August, she asked me to be her girlfriend, but we broke up about a month later. Small love wey everyone dey love, e reach my turn, I chop breakfast. 

    Adaeze: I got back from church one day, feeling really bad about being bisexual.  I knew I wasn’t myself, and I didn’t want to carry that energy into our relationship. So I broke up with her. 

    Angel: While I was hurt, I understood how hard it was for her. If there’s anything I’m sure of in my life, it’s that I love her and she loves me just as much. 

    RELATED: Love Life: We Became Lovers by Accident

    How was it like when school resumed? 

    Angel: I was so excited to get to see her again. The strike was eight long months, and I missed her. We’ve been unable to stay apart. We’re always cuddling or just staying together, marvelling at each other. 

    I remember when she got dressed to go to church one day, but when she realised it meant leaving me, she sat back down and said she couldn’t go. 

    Adaeze: We talked over the phone throughout my journey to school, and she was the first person I wanted to see as soon as I arrived. I was worried how the other roommates would handle it, but she reminded me that we already spent so much time together and liked each other’s company. That it was nothing new for our roommates to see us being together. 

    Angel: We try to behave so our roommates don’t suspect too much, but behaving is hard. The attraction we share is really strong. Sometimes, she just finds herself on my bed, her hands on my thighs. Other times, it’s me on her bed, unwilling to let go of her.

    Adaeze: Her presence soothes me, and I try to hold on to it for as long as possible. 

    How’ll you describe your relationship?  

    Angel: We’re great friends, and I never want that to change, so we’ll stick to being friends who love each other.

    Adaeze: It’s like honey the world will let us taste and enjoy but won’t let us keep. 

    Angel: In an ideal world, I’d be in a committed relationship with her. I just want to live and do everything with her without having to jeopardise our safety or relationship with family.

    Adaeze: The ideal world is where I get to watch her sleep, be beside her when she wakes up, do all the work and make so much money she won’t need to work. I want to buy her anything she’ll ever want and ensure she’s treated like the princess she is. 

    I want to raise kids with her. Kids who’ll be such a plus to the world and consider themselves lucky to be raised in a home full of love. Whenever Angel walks into a place, it becomes paradise, so our kids will be raised in paradise.

    God, abeg. How’d you rate your love life on a scale of 1-10? 

    Angel: 9 and a half for me. Even though we can’t be together right now, there’s love here and it keeps me at ease. I struggle with depression and anxiety, and on most days, I don’t want to be alive. But when I’m around her, I feel alive and unbothered about everything. The remaining half is for the homophobia that pops up to give us a reality check that there’s a price to pay to be together as we want.

    Adaeze: 9. I feel safe, loved and looked out for. Loving her is so easy because she gives me reasons to day after day. She doesn’t stress me over anything. She’s so smart and thinks ahead about how I’ll take things when she says/does anything. 

    The remaining 1 is because of homophobia too. Knowing that just the existence of our love puts our lives at risk hurts me. If I could, I’d create a world just for us, where we could be anything we want without the fear of discrimination. 

    RELATED: Love Life: Our Friendship Means More to Us Than Our Love

  • For the sake of your relationship and your mental health, don’t share these things with your partner. Especially number four. 

    Clothes 

    Don’t do it. You’ll never get your clothes back. Ever.

    Address

    They may want to come over all the time. And if you’re like me that likes personal space and alone time, you’ll start crying when they text you that they’re coming over for the fourth time in less than a week week. Just tell them you live in the bush or something. (I don’t have the energy to think of a good lie right now.)

    Your music 

    Make the mistake of sharing your favourite music with your partner, and when they serve you breakfast, you won’t be able to listen to Palazzo by Asake again. The song will come up in the club and you’ll start shedding hot tears. 

    ALSO READ: The Unspoken Relationship Rules Your Partner Must Never Break

    Technology

    Give them your Play Station 5 console, and that’s how they’ll delete all your game progress from the past two years. Speaking from experience, I once gave an ex my laptop, and he returned it to me split into two. Stay guiding.

    Your favourite restaurant or hangout spot

    If they like the place, sorry to you because they’ll open their big mouths and tell other people about it. That’s how your favourite spot will now become crowded. To make it worse, they’ll start going there without you. “I went to Z! Bar after work and the suya wrap slapped differently today.” Enipe?

    TV shows 

    They’ll ruin it for you, I promise. Either they ask many foolish questions during the show, like why Jon snow knows nothing, or they’re rewinding too much because they aren’t paying attention. I hate when they want to fast-forward past the parts they think are boring. 

    ALSO READ: 10 Reasons Why You Should Befriend Your Partner’s Neighbour

    Generational curse 

    If you’re sharing generational or family curse with your lover, it may still come back to you if you end up getting married. So who are you really doing? 

    Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STD)

    Are you a wicked person? Why will you share your STD with your partner?

    Passwords 

    You’ll be sleeping on your own jeje, and your significant other will now unlock your phone, looking for what will give them chest pain. Better to avoid the whole thing by keeping your passwords to yourself. 

    ALSO READ: If A Nigerian Woman Shares Any of These Things With You, She’s in Love

  • Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    The subjects of this week’s Love Life are Mary* (33) and Linda* (29), who’ve been together for two years and ten months. They talk about a failed party that led to exchanging numbers, meeting because of Christmas chicken, a complicated former relationship and dealing with various insecurities.

    How did you meet? 

    Mary: We met at an LGBTQ+ WhatsApp group. 

    Linda: The group was supposed to host a hangout party and she was appointed to head the Port Harcourt branch. The hangout ended up not happening, but I’d saved her number the moment she texted me. 

    Mary: We became status viewers and occasional texters. I was in a complicated relationship at the time, and I needed some new friends so we kept making plans to meet up. 

    Linda: In my mind, I wanted something more than friendship. When she posted her pictures, I saw how very hot she was, so I wanted to have sex with her, maybe even a relationship, anything more than just being her friend. But whenever she spoke, she always mentioned her girlfriend. I knew she was in a relationship, but I didn’t like that she constantly brought it up. It was such a turn off for me. 

    Oh, the complicated relationship

    Mary: The woman I was dating at the time had cheated on me in 2018. She said she’d let the woman go, but she ended up coming back to tell me she was polyamorous.

     I wanted to break up with her, but we lived together, and it was hard to. Mentally, I’d checked out of the relationship, but she didn’t want me to move out, so it was difficult to fall for someone else. 

    After a while, she  told me she wasn’t polyamorous anymore and wanted to be with only me.

    RELATED: Love Life: Being Polyamorous Didn’t Stop My Jealousy

    Yeah, that’s complicated. You mentioned something about both of you meeting up. When did that happen? 

    Linda: On December 23, 2019, a couple of months after we started talking, I posted on my status that I wanted to sell a chicken. She was interested in buying, but we kept going back and forth on who would come to see who. 

    Mary: I couldn’t transfer the payment because, every Christmas time, I withdraw a certain amount of money I’d need for the season ahead. There are always banking and card issues during Christmas season, so I just prefer to use cash. She wanted to send a rider to pick up the chicken, but I didn’t want to give the person cash in case he runs away with my money. I asked her to come deliver it herself because I would be busy at work the next day. She refused and somehow persuaded me to come over. 

    Linda: After all her shakara, she came o. She was standing by one big tree across the road. I saw her, but still called to make sure she was really the gorgeous stem in black jeans and t-shirt with red and white sneakers. 

    She picked up, and my heart melted. I just wanted to walk up to her and give her the kiss of her life. I approached her and couldn’t stop staring. It was love at first sight. 

    Mary: She even forgot to collect her money because she was staring so hard. I had to call her back to reality. 

    Meanwhile, I was thinking of how much this woman stressed me. I closed late from work, and there was traffic everywhere, but I still had to come over to her place to pick up chicken. 

    Did you both get a chance to talk?

    Mary: I had to rush back home, but she called the moment I got to my street, to ask if I got home safely. That was cute.

    Linda: She couldn’t even talk on the phone because she was busy, but then, she promised to call back that night. She never did. 

    Mary: I texted her the next day to explain that I’d dozed off. I asked her out on a date to make up for it. I was still technically dating my ex girlfriend at the time, but I was no longer feeling the relationship. I’d checked out since the cheating incident; I just didn’t leave. 

    Linda: We agreed to watch a movie on the 26th. I can never forget that date.

    Mary: The cinema was overpopulated, so we went to the karaoke lounge instead. 

    Linda: We talked, and she told me everything about her relationship with her ex. I told her about mine, and then, she sang for me. She was so hot, I had to run to the restroom to cool down. 

    Mary: I followed her to the restroom and tried to kiss her there, but she hesitated. As I was about to leave, she grabbed my head and kissed me. 

    Linda: It’s not like I didn’t want to initially. I just wasn’t comfortable with the environment, but clearly, she was too hot for me to care. 

    RELATED: Love Life: We Left Our Partners For Each Other

    That’s cute. When did you start dating? 

    Mary: January 4, 2020. 

    Linda: She asked me to be her girlfriend. 

    Mary: On December 28, 2019, I travelled to my village for Christmas. I planned to return to Port Harcourt on the 6th of January, but on the 3rd, she told me to come see her in Umuahia, so I did. 

    Linda: I didn’t believe she would come, but she did. I planned for us to stay together and just relax, but I had a call to come back to Port Harcourt for work, so we left together that night. 

    Mary: We went our separate ways, but when I got home, I saw my girlfriend and another woman half naked on our bed. 

    For the first time in my life, I wasn’t bothered. I just apologised for barging in on them and went to wait in the living room till they were done so I could pack some of my things in the room. She tried to explain what was going on, but I wasn’t interested. I didn’t want to hear anything she had to say. 

    Linda: I remember her texting me about what happened. After I was done with the job, she came to meet me and stayed with me till we went home together. 

    Mary: At home, I made us food and told her I wanted her to be my girlfriend officially. She said yes. 

    What about your own girlfriend, Mary? 

    Mary: After Linda and I started dating, I’d told the girlfriend I’d fallen for someone else and was already in a relationship with her. She was angry, but I didn’t care. I moved my property little by little to the apartment I got. 

    Linda: When she told me everything, I started coming around to her house to stress the ex. 

    Mary: I eventually moved out in May, 2020. 

    Linda: At first, I wasn’t comfortable she was still living with her ex, but the more time I spent with Mary, the more I realised she’s not the kind of person to go back to someone once she’s done.

    What’s dating since you both stopped living with your exes? 

    Mary: Well, we don’t live together, but we spend a lot of time together. It’s just that she nags sometimes and assumes things that never happened.

    Linda: Sometimes, she acts like she wants to cheat. She hides her phone a lot when she starts getting admirers, and she gives them her attention.

    Mary: She has my password, but then, I don’t like the idea of her reading my chats each time we get together. I don’t do that to her because I trust her %100, and I wish for that to be reciprocated.

    Linda: It’s not like I don’t trust you. It’s just that I feel insecure once in a while. My ex started a whole relationship right under my nose while we were together. When I see signs that seem like it might be happening again, I start doubting. 

    Mary: It makes me mad, but I understand her. I try my best to assure her I’d never do anything like that to her. 

    Other than that, being with her is amazing. She gives great advice and is great company. 

    On a scale of 1-10, how’ll you rate your love life? 

    Mary: 8. We’re saving up to get married and leave the country. Until then, 8 will do.
    Linda: 9. My insecurities sometimes get in the way, but it’s a great relationship, and I love her.

    RELATED: Love Life: We Bonded Over Our Love For Music

  • Friendships work because people adhere to these unspoken rules. If you want to prevent yours from scattering, always keep these seven rules at the back of your mind. 

    Don’t japa without telling your friend

    If you consider someone your friend, and you’re about to do something as big as move continents, tell them. It should go without saying, but here we are. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: He Should Have at Least Told Me

    Nobody left behind 

    Don’t leave your friends at a function except you discussed it beforehand. Don’t assume they’d find their way. 

    Make sure everyone looks good in the group photo

    Everyone in the picture should be serving or don’t put it up on the internet. You can’t be looking like a ten while your friends look like threes. 

    Never post your friend’s embarrassing moment for strangers to laugh at 

    Friends do silly things among themselves. And those things should be kept within the people with context. You shouldn’t use your friend’s embarrassing moment to score cheap points with strangers on the internet. 

    RELATED: 7 Signs Your Friendship Is About to End

    If you find it cheaper, tell your friend 

    A good friend never lets their friend waste money. So if you know your friend wants to buy something, and you find it at a cheaper price, better let them know. The change will come in handy someday. 

    Present yourself as an angel to their family 

    Your friend’s parents have to like you. They must see you as one of their children. 

    Hate who your friend hates

    Why are you laughing with the enemy of people you care about? Except you’re doing an undercover mission for your friend, what are you doing there? 

    RELATED: Spice Up Your Friendship With These 7 Creative Hacks

  • Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    Aminat (21) grew up with a dad who adored her, but things quickly changed when he lost his job. In this week’s Sunken Ships, she talks to us about the decline of their relationship and how she bears so much guilt for the state of their relationship when he died. 

    Click here if you want to be interviewed for Sunken Ships

    Tell me about your relationship with your dad growing up

    Aminat: My dad and I looked alike a lot. Add the fact that I was also the first child of four, I was my dad’s princess, and he adored me. He worked at Shell and travelled a lot, so I’d see him once every three months. But the time we’d spend together was so good, I’ll use it to console myself till the next time he came home. Whenever he’d come around, he’d bring toys and snacks for me from his trip and was always ready to teach me stuff. I don’t like to talk about it, but I can take apart anything electrical with the right set of tools. He was a mechanical engineer who went into electrical engineering, so he knew how a lot of things worked. 

    My dad is the reason I’m currently a writer. The first time I wrote something as a child, he decided I would get published. He started making calls and told me if I finished anything, I should bring it to him. I never finished that book. He taught me a lot of things — how to unscrew a socket, the quadratic formula and how much trust to give to men — but the most important is to be self-aware, because he wasn’t.

    When did things start getting bad? 

    Aminat: A lot of things happened to ruin our relationship, but it all started when he decided to quit his job at Shell and go out on his own as a contractor. He got a contract with the Kwara state government, so I went from seeing him once in three months to once in six. He was in Abuja while the rest of the family was in Lagos, so he wasn’t around for any of the important events of my childhood — my primary school graduation, when I got into secondary school, none of that. Throughout JSS 1 and 2, I never saw my dad. 

    As if that wasn’t bad enough, one day when I was 12, my mum told me we were moving to Abuja. I almost ran mad. I grew up in Lagos and had lived there all my life. How could they just uproot me from everything I’d ever known, to a state so far from everyone I’d known? I was livid. Apparently, he’d gotten another contract in Abuja and wanted us to be together as a family — he’d come home one day and our last born called him “uncle” instead of daddy. After twelve years, he wanted to do family man. I was annoyed. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: There’s Not Much I Need My Father For Now

    How was moving to Abuja like? 

    Aminat: Horrible. I was watching our whole family dynamic scatter before my very eyes. 

    Scatter how? 

    Aminat: First of all, when I was 13 years old, he decided he wanted to be a dutiful Muslim. Shey it’s supposed to be a personal journey? But no, he roped us all into his mess. He started harping on praying five times a day and even transferred my siblings and I to Islamic schools. 

    Were you Muslims before? 

    Aminat: We were, but the calm ones. My mum was raised Christian and only converted because she married my dad, so she was lax with it. The new lifestyle was very different for me. He even banned music in the house. Me that grew up listening to Brandy, Celine Dion and Westlife? I couldn’t take it. I’d use my mum’s phone to go on YouTube and when he wasn’t around, I’d watch MTV on television. It was hard because between him and Islamic school, I felt guilty listening to music, but I loved it too much to care. 

    So sorry about that 

    Aminat: It’s okay. It’s funny because that same year, we found out Mr “best in religion” was spending money on a woman in Abuja all the while my mother was being a good wife in Lagos. 

    Ah. How did your mum react? 

    Aminat: She was livid. I don’t know how she found the woman’s name, but she made me search for her on Facebook and stole her number from my dad’s phone. While all this was going on, she didn’t once give my dad the impression that she knew. 

    Three days after she found out, she called the woman and shouted at her. The woman kept trying to justify it that, as a Muslim, my dad could marry four wives. My mother told the woman she’d kill her if she comes near her or her children. That was the last I heard about that woman.

    Did your dad find out about the call? 

    Aminat: When he came back from work that day, he asked for his food. My mum told him she doesn’t give food to cheats. Once she said that, I ushered all my siblings to their rooms. Thank God I did because my mother started to shout soon after: “I was trying to be a good person in Lagos, but look at you. Abi you think I didn’t have opportunities to cheat? Don’t you have self-control? If you want to marry, marry, but don’t expect me to sit here and take you disrespecting me.” I can never forget the sound of the slap my mother gave him after her speech. 

    That night, my dad didn’t sleep in the house, and the next day, his family members came to beg my mother. It was a whole thing because, in Abuja, we lived in an estate, so our neighbours could hear all the commotion. People kept telling her to think of the children, but she said he should’ve thought of them too before he cheated. 

    Did she leave? 

    Aminat: No, she didn’t. Initially, she acted like she would, but then, my dad fell sick, and she stayed to take care of him. He was in the hospital for two weeks before they took him to the village for a month. During this time, someone on his team stole his contract. He got frustrated and took it out on us, me most especially. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: My Mother Never Loved Me

    Why you? 

    Aminat: Well, because we didn’t have money, I couldn’t go to school for two years. I was a teenager full of angst stuck with a man full of anger. I’d talk back at him, and he’d beat me, sometimes, till I bled. I was thinking of killing myself at this time, so after he’d hit me for doing something, I’d do something worse. In my mind, if I couldn’t kill myself, maybe he could. Gone was the man who took me out to Shoprite so we could spend time together. 

    I’m so sorry. Did it ever get better? 

    Aminat: Not at all. For the longest time, I thought it was my fault for not being the perfect daughter he wanted, but after a lot of thinking and therapy, I realised it wasn’t me. I was a child and he was the adult. He should have known better than to punish me for things that weren’t my fault. My dad wasn’t a very good father. That’s why when he fell sick again in 2021, I wasn’t really bothered. 

    What was wrong with him? 

    Aminat: He had liver problems, but for a while, instead of going to the hospital, he’d stay at home drinking agbo. 

    I was in school when he was admitted in a hospital, and my family kept the severity of his sickness from me. I forgot they lie a lot. He died a couple of weeks after, and they didn’t tell me. 

    How did you find out? 

    Aminat: I was scrolling through WhatsApp statuses when I saw a picture of my dad. The post said, “May heaven be your abode”, and I wanted to go crazy. When I texted my uncle who’d posted it on his status, he kept telling me things like I should take it easy and be calm, God knows best. I thought he was lying, so I called my mum. When she didn’t pick my calls, it clicked. Since my dad was a Muslim, she was already preparing for his burial. 

    Why did they keep it from you? 

    Aminat: My mum didn’t want it to disturb my education. I couldn’t even attend his burial because I was writing exams. 

    I’m so sorry

    Aminat: It’s been a year since he died and it doesn’t really feel real a lot of times. I feel bad for not going to visit him in the hospital before he died. I didn’t see him for up to six months before he died, and I don’t think I could ever forgive myself for that. 

    In addition to this guilt, I carry around so much sadness. As much as he was terrible to me as a teenager, he was an amazing dad when I was a child. So when I mourn him, I mourn that version of him. But with all the inner healing I’m trying to do, I’m actively working to not be like him.

    READ ALSO: Sunken Ships: My Bestfriend Lied About His Move Abroad

  • Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    Taiwo (24) and Abisola (22) didn’t physically meet until three months after they started dating. In this episode of Love Life, they talk about how their music careers created a strong foundation for their relationship and the initial fear of not being physically attracted to each other.

    Click here if you want to be interviewed for Love Life

    How did you meet? 

    Abisola: On Twitter.

    Taiwo: When she was fangirling me.

    Abisola: You’re a fool. Who was fangirling? If anything, you were stalking me.

    Taiwo: I wasn’t stalking; I was observing. We had many mutual friends, so I saw her tweets when they interacted with her. Then I’d check her account out whenever it popped up on my timeline. I tried to support her music by tagging artists to check out her covers. That’s what she’s calling stalking. 

    How can she even say I was stalking her when she was the one who followed me first and was constantly interacting with my account? I followed back, and we’d sometimes have music-related discussions and arguments.

    Abisola: So that’s how I was a fangirl? He was the one all over my Twitter account. The mutuals he said we have are people I went to school with. I followed him for two reasons. The first was because I was curious about him. I knew he didn’t go to my school, but he was friends with all these people. 

    The second reason was he had a lot of opinions about music. I love music, and I sometimes refer to myself as a musician. It’s a core part of my identity. He reviewed and wrote about music. We’d sometimes talk about it on the timeline, but we never messaged each other until the day he tweeted about someone sending him a question mark as a message. He was so annoyed about it. I told him I was tempted to send him a message with nothing but a question mark. That’s when he told me I was an exception to the rule and could do that if I wanted, so I did. 

    Taiwo: I was already attracted to her at that point. I had seen her pictures and had concluded she was free to send me whatever she wanted. 

    Abisola: I sent him the three question marks, and we’ve talked ever since. 

    Taiwo: It was so funny because I thought she was joking when she said she would. It turned out she wasn’t, and I found it hilarious. I think it’s important to note that we started all of this in June 2020, so it was during the lockdown, and we both had more time on our hands than we usually would. She was interesting to talk to. We’d talk a lot about music, and then, our day, sharing things about ourselves. A week after we started talking, I texted her that it’s our “one-week talkiversary” and that we should celebrate it. 

    Abisola: I’m not someone who talks to people a lot, so I felt after a while, the conversations would end, and we’d return to normal. I told him that was my reason for not wanting to celebrate talking for one week, but to reach some sort of middle ground, if we were still talking by the end of the month, we can celebrate then. 

    How did you celebrate your one month of talking? 

    Taiwo: We started dating. I texted her that day and told her I wanted us to start dating. 

    Abisola: Looking back, I blame the lockdown because I thought it all happened very fast. We all thought we would die and might never see outside again. So, I honestly thought I had nothing to lose. I liked him, and he was easy to talk to, so I was curious to know what a relationship with him would be like. He loves music as much as I do. It was nice to talk to someone about a passion we shared. I resolved in my mind that if we met, and I hated him, or we couldn’t stand each other, we’d break up. 

    Were you scared of that happening though?

    Abisola: I really was. I had a couple of thoughts running through my mind during the first few months of the relationship. What if he was a catfish? What if I was being deceived? What if we met, and I wasn’t attracted to him? What if I couldn’t stand him? He went to the same school as my sister, so I’d asked some questions about him from her and her friends and they all confirmed that he was a great guy, but about the attraction, I wouldn’t know until we met. I’d resolved that if I still had all these questions in my mind after that, I’d end the relationship. 

    Taiwo: There was the fear that the spark might not be there. But I knew I liked her enough. I’d seen pictures and all, I knew what she sounded like, I just hadn’t seen her in person. So while there was a bit of worry, I knew I was in love with her already.

    RELATED: Love Life: We Didn’t Need Phones, We Had Love 

    So when did you eventually meet, and how did it go?

    Abisola: Well, during the first three months of the relationship, he was in Osun state, and I was in Ogun state. Legally, travelling from one state to another wasn’t possible at the time. Plus, I was living with my parents. How was I going to explain travelling to another state to see a man I’d never met before? 

    By October, the COVID-19 restrictions on travel had been lifted, and I had my passing out parade to attend, so I had to be in Lagos, where he also was because of work. 

    Taiwo: We had our first date, and it was great. I was late because it took me a while to locate the restaurant, but when I saw her looking so pretty, it calmed me. Thankfully, she was sweet and understanding. I apologised a lot, but eventually, I was able to relax a little. Luckily for me, she didn’t leave the conversation for me to carry.

    Abisola: It was a little nerve-wracking, obviously, because it was our first meeting ever, and I had to wait for him for some time. But like I said earlier, it was great. I knew I wanted to keep seeing him after that. 

    Taiwo: The second date happened not too long after. It was a pizza and ice cream date. This time, I got there before her. I was more relaxed so, in my opinion, it was the better date. We had conversations about everything from life to family, and our fears. 

    Abisola: We just sat and talked for hours. Till date, it’s still one of our favourite dates. 

    You mentioned music is a big part of your lives. In what ways? 

    Taiwo: I review music, so it’s not just something that matters to me, but my income also depends on it. I’m more of an afrobeats lover while she’s a musician who loves to listen to neo-soul and alternative RnB. I mean, that’s one of the things that put her on my radar. 

    We share music with each other and are constantly battling over who has the superior taste. Currently, I think I’m winning because she’s stolen all my favourite musicians down to my friend, Aisosa. 

    Abisola: I’ve put you on to great stuff too.

    Taiwo: Yeah, she helped me explore a lot more genres and sounds. 

    Abisola: He’s part of the reason I appreciate Nigerian music a lot more now. 

    RELATED: Love Life: It Felt Natural to Call Each Other Boyfriend and Girlfriend

    Do you both have an “our song”

    Taiwo: No, we don’t, but we do have artistes we both adore. Show Dem Camp, Lady Donli, the Cavemen — in fact, our first kiss happened at a Cavemen concert. It was our third date, so we were getting quite comfortable around each other. The music was awesome, and we could really unwind. 

    Abisola: It was also the first concert he’d ever attended. He was so cute and shy.The music was amazing, but being there with him made the experience even more enjoyable.

    Taiwo: I won’t be dishonest to say sparks were flying cos it was a short kiss. But it was nice nonetheless. We have shared better kisses since then. 

    Abisola: Almost every important stage of our relationship has been formed by music. It was what attracted me to him, and now, we bond over music. He sends me songs and playlists, and I do the same. It’s always so sweet because it’s like, “Hey, I heard this, and it reminded me of you.” or  “I put together a compilation of songs I think you’ll like”. It’s really the sweetest thing. We talk about everything from industry stuff to things like production and music theory.

    Taiwo: There are times when she’s not in a good place, and I randomly send a song she might like. Or she sends me something she wrote, and it gets me all excited. I think I’m the biggest fan of her music.

    Abisola: I don’t call myself a musician often because I don’t put out a lot of music, so I don’t know what he’s talking about. 

    Taiwo: Don’t mind her. She was the star of a music show in Ibadan a couple of months ago. She’s great at it. 

    Abisola: I haven’t been able to focus on music as much as I’d like because I had to go back to Ibadan for my master’s in 2021. I can’t focus on multiple things at once. 

    I thought you both stayed in Lagos? 

    Taiwo: No o. I stay in Lagos, but she stays in Ibadan. 

    Abisola: Long-distance is currently kicking our ass. When we started the relationship, the distance was manageable because we didn’t know each other well enough, but in 2021, after he redeployed from Sokoto to Ibadan, I knew what it was like to constantly have him around. We were in the same city and could see as much as we wanted. Now, I’m alone here. 

    Taiwo: My schedule is more flexible than hers, so every month, I travel to Ibadan to spend a couple of days. We try to make plans beforehand, so it’s always exciting when we see. Food, movies, outings, gist and everything else. It feels like a monthly vacation because I can escape from the bustle of Lagos with my favourite person. She’s always worried about me travelling too often, but we make it work.

    Abisola: The ideal life will be staying together, but we’re not there yet. 

    How’d you rate your love life on a scale of 1-10? 

    Taiwo: 7 because of the distance, but everything else is perfect. She carries my matter for her head. Every time I have an issue, it’s always, “How’re we going to solve it?” As such, I never feel alone. She’s pretty, sweet and can be funny at times. 

    Abisola: 8. He makes me really happy. I’d be happier if the distance didn’t exist. He gives the best hugs; I literally look forward to them. He’s the sweetest person I’ve ever met. The most caring too. He’s quite literally my biggest fan. It’s like God said here’s your person, made perfectly for you.  

    RELATED: Love Life: We Started Our Relationship With a Lot of Lies