Nigerian weddings are the best from the small chops to the outfits to the music, what’s not to love? Well, these ten things.
You’ll spend 4 hours in Lagos traffic trying to get to a wedding, you get there and they tell you food has finished.
Better bring out the small chops if you don’t want me to show my true colours
When your primary school friend’s sister’s cousin brings a bill for Aso-Ebi for her wedding
Where do I know you from, please?
When you get a wedding invitation for yet another Saturday you wanted to spend in your bed
Must you people marry sef?
When your friend brings the Aso-Ebi bill and it’s almost the same amount as your monthly salary
Are you trying to send me to an early grave
When after buying 50k Aso-Ebi the person serving small chops tries to walk past you
Do you think I’m here to play? Abi you thought the Aso-Ebi was free?
When they tell you that the wedding is strictly by invitation so you stroll in at 4 expecting to find a seat
It’s first come first serve my brother
How the bouncers block you if you make the mistake of coming without your invitation
Ahan it’s wedding now not Escape
When they tell you it’s a destination wedding after you’ve paid for the Aso-Ebi
Did I tell you I have money to go to Enugu, you want me to follow you to Seychelles??!!
When the couple tells you it’s just a small wedding so you keep it simple only for you to get to the wedding and it’s bigger than OLIC
So you people’s plan was to disgrace me
After buying Aso-Ebi and the souvenir doesn’t get to you
You people had better go and bring out my own bucket
While we are on the topic of weddings, do you think bride price is necessary?
The Internet went crazy for Harry and Meghan
The royal wedding has been one of the most talked about events this year. Not only was it just a Royal Wedding, it was Meghan Markle’s, a black woman’s wedding!
And while the wedding was cute and all that, one thing everyone was probably asking was this; what would this wedding have looked like if it was a Nigerian one? Like, is there even a wedding if there’s no pre-wedding photoshoot?
Just look at Meghan and Harry.
Exhibit A: Man and woman in love, tenderly touch each other as they pose for the photo
Now, look at our own.
Exhibit B: Man and woman strike pose clearly illustrating what they intend to spend a lot of their time doing.
What about bridesmaids?
Look at this lineup. Is it really a bridal train if it can’t fill up one stadium? And can you see the colours?
How are we not seeing people slaying in Agbada?
Imagine all the pictures we saw of guests were Aso Ebi pictures? Just imagine Ebuka and David Beckham dragging for who rocked the Agbada better.
How can we forget about The Unshakeable Table
What is a Nigerian wedding without an Almighty table? The table that has all the drinks, food and small chops. Imagine Queen Elizabeth with one big bowl of Jollof Rice.
And the bride kneeling down to greet everyone.
Imagine Meghan walking past her mother-in-law, smiling or waving? That marriage? Cancelled.
Everlasting photo sessions.
Picture of couple with parents, picture of couple with ex boyfriend , picture of couple with enemies, picture of couple with dog, picture of couple with celebs, picture of couple with photographer, picture of couple with you….
It’s My Turn.
The main bridesmaid duty for meghan’s friends will be to meet Prince Harrys friends, because that type of blessing has to be distributed
And who’s going to perform?
This will be the event where wizkid and Davido finally drop a song together!
And when it is time for marital advice?
“and as I round up, sister Meghan, I want you to know that if your husband wants you to lick the ground you have no choice but to do it! He’s the head of the home.”
And most importantly, an abundance of Jollof Rice.
That everyone will still fight for because we need to keep some in the Fridge.
1. Do you people know the kind of work that goes into wearing a tight gele that is lowkey trying to kill you?
2. You people think it’s easy to be booking make-up artist every weekend? Netter be thanking girls for the employment they provide every weekend
3. As if that expense isn’t enough, you’ll now have to buy fuel, or worse, pay cab to get to the event
4. Then one yeye waiter will now come and say small chops has finished
5. Or when you decide to do over-sabi and wear waist-trainer, you’ll just be looking at all the jollof you can’t eat with regret
6. Or when they sent your heels against you, and it wants to trip you as soon as you finally lock eyes with the Yoruba demon you’ve been targeting
7. Somebody will now say you won’t collect souvenir after all the work you’ve put in for the party
We know plenty of you like owambe and weddings especially.
And Nigerian weddings are never boring!
This Nigerian guy and his wife took the game to another level when they danced to Yemi Alade’s ‘Johnny’.
We too want to get married so we can do ‘Couple’s Choreography’ like this!
1. The chair dancer
They will never stand up, all their dancing will start and finish in the chair.
2. The ‘point fingers’ dancer
Their fingers do the talking dancing.
3. The Moonwalker
This one thinks he’s Micheal Jackson obviously.
4. The one that is just here to shake the booty
They will even use their bum bum to hit the wedding cake sef.
5. The one that only dances when their favourite song comes on
You won’t see them dance again after that.
6. The Romeo and Juliet
One cannot dance without the other.
7. The old people trying to feel young
8. The Komole dancer
1. When you have to start thinking of guest list.
This is worse than homework.
2. When the food and drink vendors start calling all sorts of stupid prices for you.
Do I look like Dangote?
3. When you have to clean the whole house before the party starts so your guests don’t think you are a pig.
Wahala on wahala on wahala.
4. When the food vendors are late and guests are already arriving.
It’s not me but my enemies these ones are trying to disgrace.
5. When the DJ is playing rubbish jams and people look bored.
Does this one know his work
6. When someone breaks something in the house.
Noooooo!
7. When people start asking you for different things and you have to run up and down.
So stressful!
8. When uninvited guests start trooping in because they are mannerless!
Why are you here?
9. When your crush comes for the party but meets someone else there.
Ah!
10. When someone starts giving instructions like it’s their party.
Na wa oh!
11. When the party is over but people are refusing to leave.
Na wa oh!
12. When everyone has finally left and you have to clean up by yourself.
Am I Cinderella?
1. If you can’t bring a friend, push the invitation away like this:
Unless you want to pay cab money alone, then be going.
2. Infact, cab is too far, danfo still dey there.
If you can even drive it sef, anything to save costs.
3. Aso ebi for what?
With the way this Forex is set up, might as well freestyle from your own wardrobe.
4. No need for makeup artiste, Youtube is your best friend.
When you want your face beat, but dollar is beating you.
5. Forget clutch, the bigger the bag, the better.
Where else will you put all the take away?
6. What is home training when food is involved?
The plan is to eat enough for two days, don’t disappoint us!!!
7. When you see they’re sharing souvenirs, this is how you attack.
This is where your bag comes in, you can even add food join.
8. Once you’ve acquired enough, dance like you’re earning Dangote’s salary.
As you cannot come and go and die.
Something interesting happened one peaceful Owambe Saturday like that and we thought to bring the amebo to you, you’re welcome!
As we all know, the single life isn’t always fun. And that’s what made one Nigerian man slide into the DMs of a peng woman he met via Facebook.
After seizing the bae and finding true love, they decided the next step for them was to walk down the aisle. Not bad abi?
But on their wedding day, the unexpected happened!
The bride ran out of their wedding venue in Eket, Akwa Ibom after finding out her groom didn’t work in Oil and Gas as he claimed.
Unfortunately for her, she couldn’t run like Usain Bolt and people from the wedding caught up with her and dragged her to the wedding.
So she ended up going back to the church and marrying the guy o! THE END!
This bride was actually seen running from her wedding in Eket, but no-one knows what really happened sha.
[zkk_poll post=47389 poll=content_block_standard_format_8]
1. Yummy small chops
To hold your stomach before they bring the Jollof.
2. Spicy ofada rice and soft dodo
The one served in leaves only!
3. Crunchy chin-chin for whiling away time
In case the waiters are acting childish and still delaying your Jollof.
4. Jollof rice garnished with orisirisi
Because, no Jollof, no owambe!
5. Steaming amala and ewedu
With all the obstacles you can think of.
6. Fried rice that’s actually green and turkey
It’s okay to cheat on Jollof rice sometimes.
7. ‘Chinese rice’
Even if we don’t think this rice is actually Chinese sha.
8. Yam pottage and stew
Oh my!
9. Fluffy pounded yam and egusi soup
The food to eat right before loosing your home training.
10. Cake slices
Even if the caterers share the cake like they want to carry the rest to their house.
11. 5 Alive
This one is for when they want to make a toast.
12. Ice-cold bottle of malt
To wash everything down.
13. Shawarma
In case you’re forming ajebutter.
1. Look at this gele spread out like a perfect fan!
So gorgeous!
2. Madam Kofo’s geles are legendary for a reason. I mean look at this!
If a regular gele is a standing fan, this is an air conditioner.
3. This extremely cute gele with flower petal edges.
Very pretty!
4. This bow-like gele Asa wore to a wedding!
F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S.
5. This gele reminds us of the tower of Babel!
How high can your mummy’s gele go?
6. When the gele wearer is a friend of the bride and groom.
Before they say someone is partial!
7. This “ring-a-roses” gele!
Who is in the garden?
8. This teal gele is the class captain of geles worldwide!
Fabulous!
9. This patriotic fascinator – style gele!
Very beautiful!
10. This extra wide gele worn by the one and only Yemi Alade!
Senior girls gele!
11. This orange creation solely for madams and big girls!
