We have a lot of OG Nollywood actors, but which one are you?
Take this quiz and we’ll tell you.
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If you’re a Nigerian living in Nigeria, we don’t need to tell you that times are hard. Working for our daily “N2k” used to be enough but with the way the Naira’s value keeps somersaulting up and down, N2k doesn’t cut it anymore.. Inspired by some of our favorite occult Nollywood movies, we’ve compiled a list of tested and trusted people you can use for blood money when poverty starts to choke you. Remember, this is based on old Nollywood, we have zero experience.
Your First Wife
This wife is probably the one you truly love. You know, the one you used to chase around a tree while singing Westlife songs? Yes. Tony Umez did it in “Billionaire’s Club” and look how much money he made! Granted, she might haunt you for as long as you live, but what’s a little haunting to a truckload of hard currency? When the sacrifice is done and the credit alert hits, marry a new wife to help you spend the money on exorbitant trips abroad..
Your Younger Brother
Nigerians always claim to know someone in their village who just happens to be richer than Bill Gates. Do you want to make this local champions Forbes list? Then it’s time for your younger brother to join the hosts of heaven or hell (wherever he goes is up to him). The ball in your court, Lebron. Do the needful.
Your First Born
This right here is a classic! We don’t even have to cite old Nollywood. Just look at Abraham, who was willing to stab and roast his little boy in the Bible. If you want an example that’s “closer to home,” binge watch films featuring Kanayo O. Kanayo and Clem Ohameze. You’ll learn a few things about this.
Bonus point: according to Nollywood, the worst thing a dead baby can do while haunting you is cry constantly at night. Thankfully technology has given us noise cancellation headphones.
Your Mother
Compiling this list, we came to the conclusion that old Nollywood was deeply misogynistic. Why was it only men that made these sacrifices? Why wasn’t anyone sacrificing their father? Anyways, our views aside, giving up your mum the way Zack Orji did in “Blood Money” is a surefire way to constant credit alerts, with a sprinkle of madness.
Yourself
We’re sure you didn’t see this coming. If you’re willing to let all these people die, you must be ready to expire like fried rice. According to old Nollywood, how this works is that you make a deal to be rich for a certain number of years just so you can die on a super dramatic birthday, like your 40th or 50th. This definitely gives a new meaning to “enjoy your youth while it lasts.”
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Being an old Nollywood sidekick is no easy task. With limited screen time, they have to work twice as hard to stand out. One minute they’re in class studying, and the next, they’re outside some random girl’s hostel shouting “boyfriend snatcher!” because their friend (and main character) needs them to. Yes, the role of movie sidekick is hard. But here are some of our favorite old Nollywood sidekicks who ate every scene they appeared in.
Susan Patrick – The President’s Daughter
In “The President’s Daughter”, one of the most chaotic old Nollywood representations of IJGB culture to ever exist, Regina Askia plays Vanessa, the daughter of a Nigerian president who returns from the “states” to do drugs and walk around in a hideous grey wig. While Ms. Askia is the official star of the film, Susan Patrick gives an equally hilarious performance as Achika, Vanessa’s best friend and personal hype woman. In an unforgettable scene where both ladies go shopping in a boutique, Vanessa asks the sales girl to send everyone out because, well, when you’re big, you’re big. When the sales girl tries to protest, she quickly tells her to “sharrap”, and in that moment, Achika drops this iconic line:
“If your friends don’t tell people who you are, who will?”
Uche Jombo – Beyonce vs. Rihanna
Rumor has it that the real Beyonce has seen this film. Although Mummy Blue has refused to share her thoughts on this visual masterpiece, the Nollywood/Ghollywood cross-pollination cannot be complete without “Beyonce vs. Rihanna”. The film follows Rhyme (Omotola Jalade Ekeinde as discount Rihanna) and Bernice (Nadia Buari as discount Beyonce), two singers constantly fighting each other for supremacy in the music industry, and the heart of a local champion music producer named Jay (Jim Iyke as discount Jay Z). Most of the movie’s runtime features showdowns between the “singers,” and Uche Jombo, who plays Rhyme’s right hand woman, was always on hand to drag Bernice for filth.
We stan a committed friend.
Martins Njubuigbo – Every film with a Palace Scene
If there’s one thing I miss about old Nollywood, it’s all the palace deliberation scenes. Back in the day, every film set in a village had an igwe, with his council of elders who were always ready to offer sage advice and kiss his ass. Nollywood actor, Martins Njubuigbo, is a regular on this council. From Olu Jacobs to Pete Edochie, Nonyelu has served more terms than a Nigerian military Head of State turned president. Legend has it that if you look into a mirror and say “Igwe” three times, he’ll appear.
Franca Brown – Abuja Connection
Way before Eucharia Anunobi and Clarion Chukwura gave their lives to Christ, they gave us iconic characters in the 2003 drama, “Abuja Connection”. Set in the city filled with contract and senator chasers, the film follows the rivalry between Jennifer (Clarion Chukwura) and Sophia (Eucharia Anunobi), two women who hate each other’s guts because there aren’t enough sugar daddies in Abuja for them to share.. It features the epic scene where Eucharia tells Clarion, “I can see you envy my beauriful bawdy.” Amidst the outrageous wigs, long acrylic nails and heavy gold jewelry, Franca Brown, who plays Eucharia’s sidekick, issues multiple unforgettable threats.
Violent friends, over here please!
Mac Morris Ndubueze – Every film where one or two cultists are gathered
If there is one thing Nollywood campuses are known for, it’s peak cultism action. From Ini Edo as an oppressed student in “Beautiful Faces” to Nonso Diobi as an oppressor in “War Game,” almost all our faves have been involved in at least one cultism-themed drama. Talking about “War Game”, our favorite character in it happens to be the sidekick played by Mac Morris Ndubueze. You know that thing where someone says a lot without saying anything at all? That was Mac Morris throughout the film.
We stan a trigger-happy comic relief!
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When it comes to playing ‘bad boys’ in old Nollywood, no one quite did it like Jim Iyke. He was a leader of cultist groups, a lone big boy on campus and sometimes, just a regular guy who enjoyed terrorizing a whole city and dare I say, he did it better than everyone else – which isn’t easy because everyone was doing it then.
To celebrate this icon and to explain why we are all obsessed with him, we are going to share six reasons Jim Iyke played the ‘old Nollywood bad boy’ role better than everyone else.
He always had an axe in his pocket
I’m not quite sure how Jim moved around with at least two small axes in his pockets without mistakenly chopping off his testicles but he did it and that just goes to show that he sabi the work. Also, why small axes? Who uses small axes? The answer = Jim Iyke.
Jim Iyke insulted people like he was waxing poetry
I would pay money for Jim Iyke to be rude to me and I am not kidding. Jim Iyke insulted people in a way that made it hard for you to not laugh. In Boy’s Cot, a film where Jim played a character who was super poor after university then turned to fraud and made big bank, Jim came across his ex-girlfriend and his friend – the friend had in the past lent money to Jim but now was dating Jim’s ex-girlfriend that left Jim because he was broke. After Jim gave said friend ₦500,000 to pay him for the ₦150,000 he owed him – let’s keep in mind that this was the early 2000s so that was really a lot of money – he turned to his girlfriend and then gave her ₦100,000 because, in his words, he remembers that she loves money and also had some cheap things. After a moment’s pause, he said ‘nah, I’m not that generous, give me back my money.’ The way I screamed after that scene, wow!
For some reason, Jim always had money on him
Speaking of money, another reason Jim was undeniably iconic is that not only did he always play the role of the rich kid, but for some reason, he always had a lot of physical cash on him. Who moves around with a briefcase or Ghana-Must-Go bags full of hundreds and maybe millions of Naira? Jim Iyke, that’s who.
He was a fashion boy
I’ll start considering the other old Nollywood bad boys icons when they get their fashion game on to the same level with Jim Iyke. This man has been serving us looks forever! Whether he is wearing suits, jeans and a durag, to that one time he only wore jeans and a single, a versatile fashion icon. He deserves a CFDA fashion icon award, that’s all I’m saying.
No one has nailed the bad boy accent quite like Jim Iyke
If you watched old Nollywood movies, then you know the one I am talking about: basically, imagine a mix of the American accent with a British accent with something that sounds like what people consider a Jamaican accent. The other boys definitely tried but Jim Iyke? He never needed to try, he was born for it!
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Nollywood is the gift that just keeps giving. I obsess over Old Nollywood in particular because I think almost every scene and phrase used in it is simply very iconic. Today, we present four things from Old Nollywood that will make you go WTF.
Nollywood Parents Immediately Assuming Their Daughter Is Pregnant Because She Threw Up
Nollywood daugher runs out of the house (I have no absolute idea why they always run, why are they never just in a place where they can casually access the bathroom or something?) and throws up, her mother appearsfrom no where and asks ‘Nkechi, what happened? Nkechi, you are preganant. Nkechi, you have disgraced me.’ Each statement that begins with ‘Nkechi’ naturally is higher than the last just because. What amuses me and also makes me go WTF is that there are many reasons a person would be throwing up in the morning that doesn’t have anything to do with preganancy so why is that the universal sign of teenage and unwanted pregnancy in Nollywood.
Every Chiwetalu Agu Proverb
I genuinely believe that I first said ‘WTAF’ in reply to Chiwetalu Agu’s proverbs. The weirdest, most WTF and amazing part is that he had a custom made proverb for every movie. I would have said ‘for every character he played’ but Chiwetalu Agu has played himself in every movie he has ever been in.
Use What You Have To Get What You Want
My favorite genre of Nollywood movies are the ones that largely feature campus big girls because you know that at some point, someone will say to a newbie campus babe ‘you have to use what you have to get what you want’ and I genuinely believe this is simultaneously one of the most repeated and most hilarious Nollywood phrases.
‘Check and Balance This Na’
In the movie ‘White Hunters’, Mercy Johnson’s character says this to someone asking to check out her beauty and this is arguably one of the most WTF yet perfect phrases I have ever heard. Yes, it is now a part of my personal vocabulary.
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To say that Nollywood has given us more than enough ‘WTF is happening’ movies to last us a lifetime is an understatement. Today, we are going to go through four movie franchises from Nollywood that had us going “WTF?!” from start to finish.Blackberry Babes
The fact this franchise even exists stresses me in ways I can’t describe. The entire point of the franchise is that a bunch of girls had Blackberry phones and other girls wanted one. I understand that it was supposed to be some sort of elite thing but they made part one, two, three and kept going. If you need one more reason to watch this movie, Oge Okoye’s character, who was hanging around a store to catch men in the opening scene, went up to a man who had forgotten his wallet and used her Blackberry phone to pay for what he had bought. Now, I’m confused as to how this happened. Somehow, he used Oge’s character’s Blackberry phone to pay the store even though he didn’t ask for the store’s account number or anything. What was happening? Was technology even more advanced in Old Nollywood than it is now?
White Hunters
If you think the premise of Blackberry Babes is ridiculous, it’s still learning work when standing next to White Hunters. I just want to add that I don’t think any of the white men featured in this franchise were from either the US or the UK like they said they were. And to make it worse, none of the white men could act to save their lives. Their acting made Regina Askia look like Meryl Streep.
Beyonce and Rihanna
Somedays, I try to imagine Beyonce and Rihanna’s faces when they realized a movie ‘loosely inspired’ by them exists and then I try to imagine their faces when they watched it for the first time. Beyonce and Rihanna redefined what it means for a movie to be bad. The singing, the cringe acting, the standoffs in the middle of the road. Why does every Nollywood movie feature standoffs in the middle of a road? Are cities so small that you can just casually run into your nemesis on a road no one else is on? I think the weirdest part of Beyonce and Rihanna is that it wasn’t just one movie, it wasn’t two. It was four. And yes, I watched every single one.
Dumebi The Dirty Girl
I think this was supposed to be a comedic spin of Julia Robert’s Pretty Woman but this franchise stressed the daylight out of me. The fact that Dumebi’s parents and all the other villagers, who likely didn’t go to school or get a formal education, can speak better English than Dumebi, who dropped out, has me very confused. However, as someone who lives for chaotic Nollywood movies, this franchise has the right amount of chaos to qualify for the “It’s so bad, it’s good” category.
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Who remembers when Nollywood actors suddenly started releasing albums and songs every other month? What a time in pop culture history! To celebrate that chaotic and beautiful moment, we are ranking the best and most chaotic songs released by Nigerian actors.
Genevieve Nnaji – No More
Let me start by saying that Genevieve Nnaji is my favourite Nollywood actress and I am obsessed with everything about her. Her music career is not an exception, however, I am not obsessed with it for the reasons I think she hoped for. That said, my unpopular take is that this song isn’t bad. It is slightly cringy and had me hiding my face a bit but this is a bop for the girls.Tonto Dikeh – Itz Ova
I remember when I first came across this song. I also remember falling down to the ground minutes later unable to hold myself from having fits of laughter. This song was truly something. The fact that for the entirety of the song we don’t hear Tonto Dikeh’s actual voice is truly something else. I think if T.Pain and Rihanna on a bad day had a love-child and that child had a child with the love child of Genevieve Nnaji’s No More video and Cher from Believe (the song which invented autotune as we know it), it would be Tonto Dikeh in the Itz Ova video. I know that’s a lot but the music video for Itz Ova is a lot as well.Omotola Jalede-Ekeinde – Get Busy
I don’t remember where I was when I first heard Get Busy by Omotola and Harrysong but I know I must have felt confused and intrigued and shocked. That said, I had no clue what I expected her voice to sound like but it wasn’t this. It is very different but that was the only good thing about the song. Everything else was chaotic. She took all the worst parts of the average Nigerian song and just poured it into hers.Jim Iyke ft 2Face – Who Am I
Unlike the other music videos and songs in this list, I did not know that Jim Iyke even went into music at some point until relatively recently. I wish I could go back to when I did not know. To top it off, he has a music video with 2Face which made me wonder for a minute how he got it and if he maybe had something on 2Face. The video and song are very on-brand for Jim Iyke if we are being honest. Incredibly violent and frankly made me feel like I was being threatened.Patience Ozokwor – National Moi Moi
Do you know the hill I am willing to die on? That Patience Ozokwor’s Mama G era was nothing short of iconic. That run blessed us with quotable bops. I am forever willing to teach a course on the socialist implications of Patience Ozokwor ‘National Moi Moi’ as well as how it satirizes the entire campaign systems of African countries and the expected failures of the leaders. Karl Marx who? Mama G ended him. An iconic queen. -
Stepmothers in the golden age of Nollywood were truly something else. However, have you ever wondered which you would end up with if you were in a Nollywood movie? No need to wonder anymore. Take this quiz to find out which you deserve.
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How do you make a Nollywood movie pop? You throw in a wicked stepmother to frustrate your protagonist. However, many times the stepmother just ends up being the star of the movie.Today, we are ranking the five Nollywood step mothers who gave us unbelievable joy whenever they came on screen.
5. Shola Sobwale
Before I fell in love with Shola Sobowale in King Of Boys, I fell in love with her Super Story. During that era, Shola starred in several roles where she redefined the art of being a step mother and the art of insulting people.
4.Ngozi Ezeonu
In the earlier days of her career, Ngozi Ezeonu was the one who was victimized by her husband’s other wife and that was a fun watch. But when she turned the table around and became the one doing the victimization, I was intrigued. I won’t say much but this woman played so many roles taunting and torturing Mercy Johnson that I can’ t help but wonder if Mercy Johnson has nightmares featuring Ngozi Ezeonu.
3. Eucharia Anunobi
I would actually not mind having Eucharia Anunobi for my step mother. Granted, she would kill my dad by making her sugar baby throw him off a balcony but at least we’ll bond by doing each other’s makeup and drawing thin eyebrows for each other.
2.Clarion Chukwuka
Let me start by saying that as a kid, I was wildly obsessed with Clarion Chukwuka growing up. The sage and anti-men advice, the wild hair colors, her nails which rivals Cardi B’s and her general iconic-ness. I can’t believe Nollywood made her into the bad guy for wanting her daughters and step-daughters to decenter men and seek reparations.
- Patience Ozokwor
If you google ‘step mother in Nollywood’ you are likely going to see loads of videos and images of Patience Ozokwor because this woman is the genre itself. No one else can be simultaneously oppressing a whole village, her step daughter and her husband. The devil works hard, Kris Jenner works harder, but you see Patience Ozokwor? She outworked, outsold, and outdid them. No one is like her. No one has invented and reinvented the act of shadiness backed by sly and unprovoked wickedness quite like she has in Nollywood. We salute a queen.
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Ever wanted to find out what Old Nollywood bad boy you secretly are?
Take this quiz to find out.