Old Nollywood has given us many gems. From bird nest wigs to the bat shit violence of husband snatchers, the industry has us in a major chokehold. But if there’s one thing (honestly, there’s a lot) that stresses us about old Nollywood, it’s the way they portrayed different jobs. Here are some professions Nollywood constantly portrays in terrible or unrealistic ways:
In old Nollywood, this loosely translates to the bearer of bad news. We dare you to count the number of times you’ve seen a doctor in a Nollywood film share good news. Most of the time, they stroll into the waiting room to casually announce that they’ve “lost” the patient. Where sir? Then there’s the part where doctors suggest spiritual help, be it a pastor or an actual babalawo. How wild is that?
If your dream of becoming a lawyer is based on a Nollywood film, then omo, you’re in serious wahaleux. Real lawyers will admit that the way it’s shown in films is nothing like it is in reality. All lawyers in Nollywood know how to do is shout “My Lord” and “Your Highness” up and down. It’s actually hilarious to watch as long as you don’t take it seriously.
3. “Into Business”
Almost every old Nollywood actor has used this line before, followed by a conversation about “containers on the high sea”. This vague ass job description is the most common role in Nollywood films. Okay, you’re into business. What type of business, dear? Are you into poultry or are you selling lace? You have to be specific. It’s almost like the writers wrote a whole story and forgot to give their lead character a job until the last minute. You and your business can geddifok!
4. Campus Slay Queen
You might not think this is a job, but to the rest of us who understand bad bitchery, this is a full-time job. Nollywood flogged this trope like it stole money from the Actors Guild of Nigeria (AGN). Old Nollywood movies made us believe the minute you enter a university in your heels and spaghetti straps, the whole campus will stop. Lies! First off, who is wearing heels to class every day? Is Nigeria not hard enough? Secondly, finding one man is a struggle, imagine finding two men who look like Emeka Ike and Ramsey Noah to fight over your heart.
The day the Nigerian Association of Witches (NAW) will decide to visit Nollywood, we will just sit back and laugh. While Hollywood was showing us witches reading and fighting with toothpicks, Nollywood always made its witches old and haggard. Why? Witches can be sexy too. Also, the part where all witches only worry about trapping men feels like a false narrative. We don’t have experience here at Zikoko, but something tells us Nigerian witches have bigger fishes to fry.