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  • It’s Halloween season, and while a lot of people like to mock Old Nollywood for their weird CGI and crazy plot twists, I think they made some of the scariest movies I’ve ever seen. 

    As someone who loves the horror genre, I’ve gone back to watch some of these movies, so I can give you tips on how to survive them if by any chance you find yourself haunted by a demon baby or tempted to sacrifice your spouse for money. 

    Let’s go. 

    Diamond Ring 

    Diamond Ring is one of the many  reasons I don’t play with dead people. The film follows Chidi, played by Teju Babyface (emphasis on the “baby face” here) and the misfortunes that follow him and his friends after they steal a diamond ring from a dead Liz Benson. 

    How to survive this film: Keep your hands to yourself. Even if you want to steal, is it from a dead person? What happened to having small shame? 

    Nneka the Pretty Serpent 

    While I’m not a big fan of the 2020 remake, I have to admit the original Nneka the Pretty Serpent slaps hard. The film follows two different men whose lives are turned upside down when they start cheating on their partners with Nneka, a woman who was born after a chicken was sacrificed — it’s a long story, just read this recap. 

    How to survive this film: Keep your penis in one place. If you don’t go cheating up and down like a harlot, there’s a high chance you’ll be fine. 

    Mark of the Beast 

    In Mark of the Beast, Satan sends his son to come fuck things up for the people on earth. But honestly, the whole wahala started because Enebeli Elebuwa lost his baby and decided to exchange it with a random baby at the hospital behind his wife’s back. 

    How to survive this film: Don’t take random babies from the hospital. Adoption is great, but follow the appropriate process to avoid hot tears. 

    Full Moon 

    In Full Moon, Regina Askia plays Lucy, a discount version of Storm from X-Men, who gets her power from the moon and turns her uncles into pillars of salt just like Lot’s wife. They’re not innocent, though. These men killed her parents all because they wanted the family’s oil-rich land for themselves. 

    How to survive this film: Don’t be the greedy fool who kills their brother because you want to sell their land to a coloniser. Blood is thicker than oil — I think. 

    Living in Bondage 

    Living in Bondage follows Andy, played by Kenneth Okonkwo, who is poor AF and deeply frustrated by his life in the trenches — this was before Buhari, by the way. To solve his problems, he joins a cult and sacrifices his loyal girlfriend, Merit, for unlimited funds. Like every other Nollywood film, Andy’s life starts turning on its own after the sacrifice is completed. 

    How to survive this film: Don’t marry a poor man with potential, to avoid getting used for blood sacrifice. It’s as easy as one, two, three. 

    RECOMMENDED: How to Avoid Being Used for Rituals, According to Nollywood

    Igodo 

    Igodo is the male version of Egg of Life. The film follows a group of men who venture into the evil forest to get a magical cutlass that will put an end to the deaths in their village. Long story short, only one man makes it out alive. 

    How to survive this film: Pack your load and run when people start dying in your village. I’m sure that’s not the only village in the fictional state. Run before they nominate you to go into the evil forest. 

    The Oracle 

    The Oracle follows Old Nollywood panty-droppers, Saint Obi, Ejike Asiegbu and Charles Okafor as armed robbers. Their lives start to go downhill after they steal an old statue and sell it to a Filipino man cosplaying as white. 

    How to survive this film: Don’t play with spiritual statues or figurines. Why are you stealing something from a shrine at your big age? 

    Witches 

    Witches is about a woman named Princess, played by Liz Benson. After abandoning her fabulous witch coven because of a man, she ends up barren and eventually stuck with a demon baby. The film is even more iconic because of this chaotic accident scene that lives rent free in my head: 

    How to survive this film: If you want to survive Witches, I’d advise you to avoid men and cling to your coven. You can’t eat your cake and have it. 

    End of the Wicked

    End of the Wicked just has a lot of wild things going on for no reason. From kids eating a man’s spinal cord, a woman conjuring a penis to rape her daughter-in-law, to a dog eating someone’s womb and Alex Osifo drinking blood like it’s jolly juice — it probably was. 

    How to survive this film: Omo, you’re on your own. I have absolutely no idea. 

    ALSO READ: The Zikoko Guide To Making A Nigerian Horror Movie

  • Whether you want to call it spooky season because of Halloween, or ember month because you’re Nigerian, all I know is we’ve officially entered that time of the year when everyone has to be vigilant to avoid stories that touch. 

    With the naira in the poteaux-poteaux and election season approaching, I’ve decided to consult the oracle (Old Nollywood) for some tips on how to stay safe and keep your head on your neck. 

    Don’t marry or date broke men

    Professor Olamide wasn’t playing when he said, “Ma lo fe broke nigga. Fight for your life.” Half of the wives who’ve been used for rituals in films like Billionaire’s Club and the original Living in Bondage married broke men with “potential”. Nigeria is hard enough. Don’t allow love and small romance cost you your life. Avoid broke men today. 

    Don’t marry a rich guy who’s into “business” 

    What happened to marrying a doctor, lawyer, SoundCloud rapper or tech bro? According to Nollywood, once a man is into “business” without any direct explanation of what the business is, there’s a high chance he’s into rituals. Avoid men like this with all your power and might before they pound you and your baby like fresh yam. 

    Don’t follow your dad out at night 

    If only the little girl in Living in Bondage: Breaking Free had said no when her dad took her for a drive at night, who knows, she might be alive today. So the next time your dad asks you to escort him somewhere past 7 p.m., kindly tell him only wayward people go out at night and you’re not wayward. What’s the worst thing that can happen? Small disowning? 

    Don’t go for parties with campus big girls 

    Remember when Funke Akindele’s character, Suliat, in Jenifa followed the big girls on campus for an all-night party, and they almost used her head as asun for evil spirits? Now that ASUU has called off strike in time for spooky season, I’ll advise that you stay in your hostel and focus on your education. Even if you want to go to a party, go to one with dead babes and boring guys. 

    Don’t sleep at night

    To safeguard your life, I’d advise you stay awake all night so when the nonsense special effects juju appears in your room you can give it a dirty slap. It’s only people who sleep that witches kidnap in the middle of the night. Gbera! 

    RECOMMENDED: 7 New Nollywood Inspired Halloween Costume Ideas

    Become a prayer warrior 

    Nollywood has shown us there’s nothing a little casting and binding can’t solve. So to keep your head, you need to have it anointed. Join a bible believing church today, or better still, just become a pastor. Amen? 

    Don’t eat food outside 

    Just in case you have a coconut head and completely ignored all your mum has taught you since birth, if you didn’t cook the food with your two hands, don’t eat it. The streets are dangerous now, and nobody can be trusted. Don’t allow ojukokoro be the cause of your downfall. 

    Become a babalawo 

    No one can use you for rituals when you’re the person wearing the feathers and red wrapper. It’s common sense. 

    Don’t leave your house, period!

    If you sit in your house and mind your business, tell me how someone will think to use you for rituals. It’s who they see outside that’ll end up in calabashes. So stay in one place this spooky season before you “we outside” yourself into a babalawo’s shrine. 

    ALSO READ: How to Do Money Ritual in a Way That Pleases God

  • Though a lot of it was unintentional and can’t be recreated (I’m looking at you, Charles of Play), Old Nollywood is pretty iconic. I’ve recently been taking deep dives into the pool of movie nostalgia to gag at the insane fashion and bad CGI from that era. Do you know what else I’ve come across? Disturbing storylines that have left me shook and scarred. 

    Brace yourself!

    1. Men in Love 

    Nollywood reflects who we are as a society, so it comes as no surprise that many of their old attempts at tackling LGBTQ+ issues reek of homophobia. 2010’s Men in Love is no exception. The movie follows Whitney (Tonto Dikeh) and Charles (John Dumelo), a couple whose disaster of a marriage (he cheats on her with anything in a skirt) is threatened by the arrival of Alex (Muna Obiekwe), a juju-wielding gay man. It’s bad enough that this film portrays its gay characters as rapey predators laden with every negative gay stereotype you can think of. But the movie’s worst sin is  making homosexuality out to be the result of a spiritual affliction, which is why many Nigerians suffer inhumane punishments in the name of conversion therapy (aka going for deliverance) till this day. 

    Everyone who worked on this project needs to bow their heads in shame. 

    2. Beyoncé and Rihanna 

    There’s gist that Beyoncé has seen Beyoncé and Rihanna, and now I want to hear her take on it. But before I ring up my girl Bey on WhatsApp (because a regular call to Houston, Texas would be too expensive), can we talk about how they made a film inspired by two of the biggest pop stars on the planet and centred their storyline around wanting a man? Ewww. There’s so much they could’ve explored, but the film’s producers thought, “Why not make a FOUR PART movie franchise where Nadia Buari and Omotola Jalade Ekeinde bitch slap each other because of Jim Iyke? ”

    If it was about Dr Dre and Jay Z, the plot would be completely different from this. 

    3. To Rise Again

    To Rise Again is proof that, even in death, Nigerian men will not let you rest. Joseph (Richard Mofe Damijo) is an armed robber who loses his life after a robbery attack. Instead of staying dead like his friends, he rebrands as a bible-believing ghost taxi driver who gets Lydia (Stella Damasus) to fall in love and have a child with him. Spoiler: it ended up being a dream or something. But, we were rooting for their love story. It just feels manipulative and gross. It might not be problematic in the grand scheme of things, but no one should bang a ghost. Not even if he looks like Richard Mofe Damijo. 

    RECOMMENDED: Ranked: Nobody Beats These 10 Nollywood Actresses at Crying in Movies

    4. White Hunters 

    Tabitha (Ini Edo), Peggy (Funke Akindele), and Pamela (Mercy Johnson) are three young women who decide to chase and date white men after growing tired of broke-ass Nigerian men and their bullshit. Not to defend Nigerian men, but what the hell is this plot? Their thirst for coloniser penis and money isn’t even my issue with White Hunters; it’s the offensive stereotype it enforces by squeezing in jokes about the only Indian character smelling like garlic 24/7. 

    5. Emotional Crack 

    While Emotional Crack has given us a ton of iconic memes, the problematic nature of the movie’s plot is undeniable. Chudi (Ramsey Noah) is married to Crystal (Stephanie Okereke), who he beats and cheats on like it’s nobody’s business. Things take an exciting lesbian (or bisexual— honestly, fuck labels) turn when Chudi’s side thing Camila (Dakore Akande on a rasta P) decides to ruin the already messed up marriage by seducing Crystal. 

    Once again, the queer character here is depicted as a crazy disposable stalker, while the wife-beater is given a redemption arc that makes him out to be a victim. His abusive nature is never even addressed.  Old nollywood was really deep in their homophobic/misogynistic bag when they made this one.  

    6. Thunderbolt (Magun)

    Yinka Ajiboye (Lanre Balogun) marries Ngozi (Uche Osotule) during their NYSC years. But when his friends start spreading rumours that his wife is the whore of Babylon, Yinka consults with a Babalawo and places a Magun curse on her, endangering her life. The wild thing here is that at no point in the movie does he properly confront her. He just goes straight to the Babalawo like he’s ordering food from Instagram. Thunderbolt (Magun) is a prime example of toxic masculinity, and pushes the idea that a wife is her husband’s property. Even if she cheated, why is placing a curse on her the next logical step? The ghetto. 

    ALSO READ: Reimagining Nigerian Musicians as Characters in a Nollywood Horror Movie

  • Gen Zs always talk about how their behaviour can be traced back to mercury being in Lucozade and their Leo sun rising in Zamfara. And while I can’t confirm that astrology stuff works for real, I can show you another way to gauge your and other people’s personalities — Nollywood actresses. It works for me, and I’m sure it’ll work for you, too. Try it and see. 

    1. Genevieve Nnaji 

    You’re not anybody’s mate, and you know it. You were a happening babe back in the day, and you’re still a happening babe. The only difference is that you’ve now rebranded into a she-e-o. You run things; things don’t run you. You smell and look like wealth. Everybody sits up when you enter a room. 

    2. Mercy Johnson

    Your defining trait is that you’re unpredictable. Today you’re a  paediatric doctor and tomorrow you’ve left that life behind to become a DJ at a beer parlour near the zoo in Ibadan. The interesting thing is that you’re somehow amazing at anything you do. You believe this life is one, and you’re ready to enjoy it to the fullest. Get it!

    3. Tonto Dikeh 

    Your nickname is Area Scatter. People know not to get on your bad side because they know that if they do, you’ll beat them and their mothers. You’re constantly dragging your ex-bestie on social media and must have the last say, even if the fight lasts three weeks. People don’t know that behind all your gragra, you’re a sweet and cuddly person. This might seem random as hell but if you ever get the urge to try your hand at music, DON’T.

    4. Rita Dominic

    People never take your poverty seriously because you always look fresh. You could be dying but still exude an aura that says “I’m better than these peasants.” Even though you’re still young, people still view you as a rich aunty or uncle. Your fashion was misunderstood back in the day, but all your Gen Z nieces and nephews are now looking at you like a fashion-forward icon. 

    5. Funke Akindele 

    You’re smart and intuitive but people underestimate you a lot because you like shining your teeth up and down. People didn’t rate you before but do now after you did one kick-ass presentation in your office. Now every time there’s a presentation, they drag you into it.  You’re not upset, though. You’re milking it for your own gain so you can be promoted and leave poverty behind. 

    RECOMMENDED: We Ranked The Best Old Nollywood Campus Queens

    6. Sola Sobowale 

    You’re the oldest in your friend group and probably your family too. You’re very nurturing and passionate about protecting the people in your life. Despite this, people are sometimes confused as to whether to fear or respect you, especially after that time you slapped an Uber driver and deflated his tire with your teeth. You’re a parental figure o, but there’s still some craziness deep down. 

    7. Nse Ikpe Etim 

    Overraw best in English Language and composure. You probably watch Bridgerton to practice your accent and walk. People are always shocked by how fun and carefree you are because of how you compose yourself. While you’re free with people, you don’t joke about your private life. You could be in a relationship  for a whole year, and none of your friends would know. 

    8. Eucharia Anunobi 

    Your stories start with, “When I was in the world”, followed by the wildest shit anyone has ever heard and then end with “But now, I’ve given my life to Christ.” Your crazy days were iconic, but all you do now is judge people because you’ve changed, which is annoying AF. Even though you’ve repented from being a wild child, you’ve refused to let go of some worldly things, like makeup. Why are your eyebrows still like that, sis? 

    9. Toyin Abraham 

    You’re chill, funny, and everyone likes you. If anyone says they have beef with you, it’s definitely one-sided and you hope they find peace one day. You’re silently making cool cash, but no one notices because they still see you where people are selling okrika. You don’t care, sha. Okrika has badass fashuns, and the girls that get it, get it.

    10. Kate Henshaw 

    You’re a ride or die friend. You value morals, staying fit, and good energy. People respect you because your head is very correct. Before someone says “pim”, you’ve already dragged and/or blocked them. You’re also not afraid to drag your friends when they’re being messy. To you, it’s necessary for their character development. And if you don’t drag them who will?

    ALSO READ: Ranked: Nobody Beats These 10 Nollywood Actresses at Crying in Movies

  • There are a lot of OG old Nollywood fashion trends, but which one would you effortlessly pull off?

    Take this quiz and we’ll tell you:

    READ: 8 Sure Ways to Become a Certified Bad Bitch

  • Alté hive, arise! Cruel Santino has rejoined the group chat. Three years after releasing Mandy & The Jungle, an album that cemented his position as a leading voice among a new group of Nigerian creatives pushing the musical thread, Cruel Santino — formerly Santi — has made a major comeback with his new 21-track album, Subaru Boys: FINAL HEAVEN. For Love It/Hate It, we asked Nigerians what they think about the new album, and this is what they had to say. 

    “Ajebo agberos, rise! Don’t waste this album” — Josh  

    Cruel Santino is the only one that can unleash both the ajebutter and agbero side of Nigerians at the same time. You listen to him and you want to break bottles but you also want to talk to your girl about romance and anime. This album is peak culté. It’s insane because no one man should have all this power. Is this the best album I’ve listened to this year? Yes. People may say I’m capping, but my question is: and so fucking what? Is it your cap?

    “I see we’re back with this pretentious shit. Alright.” — Khadijah 

    Fake alté people will not allow us hear word for the next one week because of this very mid album. Their oga may have changed his name, but everything else is still faux-intellectual rave BS. I listened to it because, honestly, I want to like his music. I don’t know where the hype is coming from, but 21 songs where I couldn’t hear you properly on like 18? Oh wrong nau. Old Nollywood called, they need their aesthetic back. 

    RELATED: Love It/Hate It: Asa’s New Album, “V”

    “This is the type of album you release when rent is due. Inject it inna mi veins!” — Tobe

    Subaru Boys for life mehn! I don’t know how he does it, but Cruel Santino is way ahead of his time. My brain cells can only comprehend like three of the songs on this album, but that’s what you get when you listen to an artist who’s experimenting with his sound. Now I want to listen over and over again until I actually get it. This is what good music is about and I’m soaking it in. The man did a madness abeg. 

    “Werey will not touch me IJN (Amen)” — Lara 

    Why does Cruel Santino like to play with demonic spirits? It doesn’t sit right with me and my heavenly race. His music reminds me of the evil Mount Zion films preached against, but my coconut head will still listen, and I will be jumping up and down to the songs. Please and please, this album is elite. But as much as I love vibing to it, I’ll never shout, “Werey touch me,” because na from clap, dance dey start.  

    “Gorgeous gorgeous girls do usually listen to Cruel Santino” — Ashley

    Instagram stories and TikTok will ban me from using songs from this album before next week, let’s bet. I can’t believe he made us wait three whole years! This album was totally worth the wait because it’s the most cohesive album I’ve heard in a long time. Everything just blends and no song feels out of place. It’s easy to get bored listening to an album with 21 tracks, but this man had me in a chokehold and I lowkey liked it. Hey daddy!

    “Cruel Santino needs to push himself with collaborations” — Uchenna 

    In my opinion, no one makes alté music like Cruel Santino. He knows what works for him and he has mastered it. But at what point do you actually reach outside the box? This album is golden, but the collaborations are predictable. The guy needs to work with people with different sounds. Can you imagine how much a Cruel Santino and Zinolesky track would bang? Santi’s collaborations need to come out for air once in a while. 

    CONTINUE READING: The Year in Alté: 12 Songs That Got Us Through 2021

  • Nollywood has given us a lot of iconic pairings over the years, but some actors do their job so well on screen, we find it hard to separate play play from real life. Have you ever looked at a Nollywood pairing and felt deep down that they were an actual couple? We’ve been there too. Here’s a list of some old Nollywood couples that were so good, we thought they were married or dating in real life. 

    Stella Damasus and Richard Mofe Damijo (RMD)

    These two were always married or about to be married in all their films. Look at the material: In When God Says Yes, they were a couple looking for a kidney for RMD; In Engagement Night, she slept with his best friend but they still somehow found their way back to each other; and let’s not forget the wild ass To Rise Again where RMD was Stella Damasus’ ghost baby daddy. It’s not our fault we thought they were together. 

    Rita Dominic and Jim Iyke 

    Rumour has it that these two were a thing at one point, but are we really surprised? With her big ass afros and his VPN-acquired Ameritish accent, Jim Iyke and Rita Dominic were the OG Bonnie and Clyde of old Nollywood. One minute they’re sipping cold juice by the beach, and the next thing you know, they’re arguing, with Rita in her thigh-high boots and Jim in his bandanas. We stan a chaotic couple. 

    Genevieve Nnaji and Ramsey Noah 

    First off, can we get into Genevieve’s tiara in this picture? Yes, sis, Disney princesses are shaking. Ramsey Noah and Genevieve were the couple to beat back in the day. They’ve dated and married each other onscreen so many times we’ve lost count. Power of Love, Butterfly, Honey, The Break-Up, Pain and Gain, Super Love or the one where she was a village Cinderella and he was the crown prince. These two had so much chemistry together, we were rooting for them to become a thing. 

    Ini Edo and Muna Obiekwe 

    Before Muna Obiekwe made the controversial Men in Love, he was one of Nollywood’s most-in-demand lover boys. While he shared the screen and his fictional heart with everyone from Genevieve Nnaji to Oge Okoye, it was his films with Ini Edo that had us screaming “God, when abeg?”. Once you saw Ini Edo in a campus setting with spaghetti straps and excess lipgloss, you immediately knew that Muna Obiekwe would pop up at some point. He fought Jim Iyke for her heart in The Cat and went against Stephanie Okereke and her cult group in Beautiful Faces. Can your man fight? 

    Genevieve and Emeka Ike 

    Back then, if Genevieve was not acting opposite Ramsey Noah, best believe she was serving melanated couple goals alongside Emeka Ike. He was her knight in shining armour in For Better for Worse and Pain and Gain, showed her pepper in Not Man Enough and let’s not forget when he blinded and married her in Two Together. Through all of this, they made us root for them and honestly, we’re still shocked they weren’t a thing. Na wa o. 

    Van Vicker and Nadia Buari

    This is not the time for jollof or Shatta Wale wars, we all know that once upon a time, Nollywood and Ghollywood were one wood. Following the success of Beyonncé the President’s Daughter, Nadia and Van became the biggest Ghanaian exports to Nigeria. They were so big, Nollywood had them shooting village movies in the East. Why did these two work so well together? Well, we all thought they were dating. Look at the image above and tell us you didn’t see it back then. 

    Stella Damasus and Desmond Elliot

    They didn’t do much together, but these two were iconic AF. Just look at the poster for Missing Angel, the film where he was the angel of death sent to collect her soul, but somehow ended up getting trapped by her snail. Interesting times. There was also Behind Closed Doors and a couple of others. Long story short, we thought they were a thing at some point but apparently, we were clowns. 

  • I love that we are all embracing our inner Ini Edo and Emeka Ike, but maybe Old Nollywood-themed parties should rest this period.  But what else can we do in this country? Here are party themes you and the gang can get into next year.

    1. Owambe

    Eswees really brought the bounce. You can see what happens when two Yoruba women join forces to organise a party abi? Vibes, good music, asoebi, and amala. Na that kind party I wan dey go next year. 

    2. Your childhood dreams 

    Make your parents proud for at least one day. Even if you didn’t get to be that doctor, at least you get to pretend for a day.

    3. Nigerian meals 

    What would gbegiri really look like as a person? Me I want to know in 2022.

    4. Old Nigerian Music Groups

    Forget BTS guys, give me some Plantation boys, Maintain, Trybesmen or P-square. Imagine a whole karaoke night dressed as our faves from way back. 

    5. Witchcraft 

    Your village people might enjoy this a little too much, so maybe stay vigilant with this one. 

    6. Nigerian Politicians

    You can be a bad boy for us. 

    7. African deities and masquerades

    You can flex your inner god and turn up as Sango. Or go village square style and show up as Egungun or Ojionu. Either way, you’ll be representing our ancestors.

    8. Childhood Cartoons

    Don’t you miss the simpler days of morning shows on NTA channel 2. Remember tortoise from tales by moonlight, mighty mouse, or inspector gadget? Let’s just want to recreate those childhood memories and forget this scam called adulthood. 

    [donation]

  • Nollywood has taught us to believe in the power of love. While most of the stories we’ve seen have convinced us that love conquers all, something about the couples on this list isn’t gelling like it should. Although they’ve been marketed as cute couples, we just can’t help but think they’re either annoying or deeply problematic.  

    1. Telema and Soji from Tinsel 

    Back when Tinsel was still the hottest thing on the streets, this couple had Nigerians in a chokehold with all of us fasting and praying for them to end up happy. Looking back at the show, everything was super chaotic and they should’ve broken up from the start. Not only did Telema (Damilola Adegibite) sleep with Soji’s (Gbenro Ajibade) nemesis after they both agreed to wait till their wedding night, she decided to tell him on their wedding day. Then again, Soji was always doing too much as the overprotective boyfriend, so we guess they were both moving mad. 

    2. Dejare and Anjola from La Femme Anjola 

    We’ve seen this story before; a young fresh-looking boy (Nonso Bassey) falls for a seductive older woman (Rita Dominic) who just happens to be his boss’ wife. This sounds like a typical day under the Lagos sun if you ask us. While their forbidden relationship looks cute from the start—he wants to save her from her unhappy life, shit gets very real faster than you can spell adultery. Guns and murder join the conversation which just makes us wonder; wouldn’t it have been better if these two just minded their business? 

    3. Nchekube and Mr. Okonkwo from Two Together

    We can’t believe this film was marketed as a romantic drama back in the day. For context, the teacher (Emeka Ike) flogs a secondary school student (Genevieve Nnaji) to the point of blinding her. Instead of facing the law or something, her parents force him to marry her and during their time in this forced union, they fall in love and she regains her sight. Major cringe. The entire plot is problematic as hell and we can’t believe there was a time this film was described as cute. Ewww. 

    4. Didi and Raj from Namaste Wahala

    While we’ve already reviewed this film here, we still can’t get over how uninteresting the love story between its leads is. Honestly, they should’ve just listened to their parents and broken up because why did they have to put us through that discount Kuch Kuch Huta Hai dance montage? Outside of the aesthetic of a Bollywood and Nollywood crossover, Didi (Ini Dinma-Okojie) and Raj (Ruslaan Mumtaz) gave us nothing at all. Although they weren’t toxic, watching this couple was like watching paint dry. Exhausting. 

    5. Nnamdi and Kelly from Living in Bondage: Breaking Free

    You know things won’t go well for a couple when the name of the film is Living in Bondage. It’s just common sense. Tapping into the occultic nature of old Nollywood, this film tells the story of Nnamdi (Swanky JKA) a young hustling Nigerian who’s ready to risk it all for a good time and truckload of hard cash. After eating most of the money the cult gives him, he refuses to bring the head of his hot girlfriend Kelly (Munachi Abi). This doesn’t sit right with his red cape-wearing cult group and everyone just chooses violence. The weird part, despite realising that her man almost used her head for asun, Kelly decides to stay with him. Girl, is everything okay at home? It’s time to break free, sis.

  • Old Nollywood has given us many gems. From bird nest wigs to the bat shit violence of husband snatchers, the industry has us in a major chokehold. But if there’s one thing (honestly, there’s a lot) that stresses us about old Nollywood, it’s the way they portrayed different jobs. Here are some professions Nollywood constantly portrays in terrible or unrealistic ways:

    1. Doctors: 

    In old Nollywood, this loosely translates to the bearer of bad news. We dare you to count the number of times you’ve seen a doctor in a Nollywood film share good news. Most of the time, they stroll into the waiting room to casually announce that they’ve “lost” the patient. Where sir? Then there’s the part where doctors suggest spiritual help, be it a pastor or an actual babalawo. How wild is that? 

    2. Lawyers: 

    If your dream of becoming a lawyer is based on a Nollywood film, then omo, you’re in serious wahaleux. Real lawyers will admit that the way it’s shown in films is nothing like it is in reality. All lawyers in Nollywood know how to do is shout “My Lord” and “Your Highness” up and down. It’s actually hilarious to watch as long as you don’t take it seriously. 

    3. “Into Business” 

    Almost every old Nollywood actor has used this line before, followed by a conversation about “containers on the high sea”. This vague ass job description is the most common role in Nollywood films. Okay, you’re into business. What type of business, dear? Are you into poultry or are you selling lace? You have to be specific. It’s almost like the writers wrote a whole story and forgot to give their lead character a job until the last minute. You and your business can geddifok! 

    4. Campus Slay Queen 

    You might not think this is a job, but to the rest of us who understand bad bitchery, this is a full-time job. Nollywood flogged this trope like it stole money from the Actors Guild of Nigeria (AGN). Old Nollywood movies made us believe the minute you enter a university in your heels and spaghetti straps, the whole campus will stop. Lies! First off, who is  wearing heels to class every day? Is Nigeria not hard enough? Secondly, finding one man is a struggle, imagine finding two men who look like Emeka Ike and Ramsey Noah to fight over your heart. 

    5. Witches

    The day the Nigerian Association of Witches (NAW) will decide to visit Nollywood, we will just sit back and laugh. While Hollywood was showing us witches reading and fighting with toothpicks, Nollywood always made its witches old and haggard. Why? Witches can be sexy too. Also, the part where all witches only worry about trapping men feels like a false narrative. We don’t have experience here at Zikoko, but something tells us Nigerian witches have bigger fishes to fry.

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