Living in Nigeria | Page 2 of 2

So you think your landlord is mad? Just because she told everyone in your building to put their generators off at midnight or else she’ll seize it? Or because he’ll rather engage in one on one combat with NEPA officials than pay his bills?

As far as these six people are concerned, your landlord might be mad, but theirs are madder.

“It was worse than living with my parents”

I moved to Lagos on short notice, so I was desperate to get an apartment quickly. Ended up renting the BQ of this woman’s house. Worst year of my life. Anytime I stayed out later than 11 pm she’ll use another padlock to lock her gate and I’d have to crash at a friend’s house. It was worse than living with my parents. She’d quiz all my visitors and even refuse to let some into the compound. When I was moving out I didn’t even tell her, just left quietly one night.
Femi, 27

“My landlord was just a bastard”

My landlord was just a bastard. I don’t know how I stayed in that house for two years. I’ve never done the math but I’m pretty sure that in those two years, he collected double of what I paid for my rent with fraudulent bills. Today the borehole is bad, tomorrow NEPA people said we should pay this. Sometimes he didn’t even bother looking for an excuse he’ll just say the money is for maintenance. And if you don’t pay he’ll cut off your water and light.
Dami, 27

“She used to ration our water”

My landlady used to ration water for no fucking reason. The switch to the pump was in her house and she used to pick and choose when she’ll pump water. I don’t know if she thought the water could finish from the ground or if she was just being cheap with her PHCN bills. Sometimes we won’t have water for 2 days just because this woman doesn’t want to pump water. She used to stay in the house mostly on weekends and that’s when she’ll pump water. When she came around during the week she’ll refuse to pump water.
Doyin, 26

“He was harassing my girlfriend”

There was this one landlord I had who used to harass my girlfriend. It was so bad she had to stop coming over. When he realized he was never going to be able to woo her, he became hostile towards both of us. I don’t know how he always knew when she was around, but when she was he’ll come banging at my door about a non-issue. One time it was that my generator was causing noise. Like three other people’s generators were on o but it was my own that was causing noise.
Dimeji, 25

“He was flattening my car tires”

I still don’t have proof of this but I’m pretty sure my landlord used to let the air out of my tires. There was very limited parking space and I used to close early. He had a spot reserved for himself but he used to come back by like midnight. It made no sense to me to park on the street when there was space in the house so I parked in his. At first, when he came back he’ll rake outside my door for like an hour, that I should come and move my car. I always ignored him. One day he stopped and I started waking up to a flat tire every day. Even after I stopped parking in his spot.
Nora, 29

“He let strangers into my house”

I made the tragic mistake of letting an old landlord know I wasn’t going to renew my rent for the next year, months before the one I had paid was to expire. I’d come home and have this feeling that someone had entered my house. Little little things will be out of place. Turned out the man was showing the apartment I was still living in, to potential tenants when I went to work. I changed the locks and when I was moving out he refused to refund my caution fee because I had the ‘effrontery’ to change locks in his house.
Peter, 26
Getting your first apartment can be very exciting and very expensive. While the prospect of never being woken up from sleep to wash plates again is great, rent is also cost. For most people, the sensible thing to do is get a flatmate or two. But what they don’t know is that finding a great flatmate can be harder than finding someone to marry. And is even more important than making sure you get an apartment where the electricity supply isn’t too bad or doesn’t flood when someone sneezes.

To avoid getting stuck with a nightmare of a flatmate, you need to ask any potential flatmate you might be considering these questions.

First thing.

You got rent money? And not just the rent money alone? Because that’s just the beginning? These LAWMA and PHCN bills won’t pay themselves.

How’s your family doing?

Are you going to move in half of your 21 family members into our two bedroom apartment two months into our stay?

How many people are really moving in?

Are you in a relationship? Does your boyfriend/girlfriend have a home of their own? Or are they going to become our third flatmate who doesn’t pay rent after we move in?

Early bird?

What’s your morning routine like? Am I going to wake up to you screaming about repentance and eternal damnation at 4 am every day?

Let’s talk about your friends.

How often do your friends visit? And what is the usual nature of these visits? Is it the ‘how far just checking on you’ kind? Or the ‘let me crash on your couch for two days that’ll turn into two months’ kind?

Kids?

Do you have any secret children staying with your parents? Who will suddenly come and stay with you for two months when they are on holiday from school?

Any pets?

What about unconventional pets? Because I’m guessing that’s what the snake you are keeping in a calabash must be?

You know there’ll be bills right?

Again is it only rent money you have to your name? Or do you have a constant source of income and a plan to pay your bills and feed yourself for the year? Plans that don’t include eating my food when I’m away.

Flat mate not BFF please.

Are you looking for a new best friend? Because that’s not me. Except on the days corner you in the kitchen or living room to rant about a bad date.

Any criminal record?

Are you wanted by the police or any federal government agency like EFCC or NDLEA? Yeah, I know it’s all a mix-up and you are not guilty of anything, please just let me know now.

Do you need to join an AA group?

How often do you drink? Do like to indulge in a glass of wine every now and then or am I going to be jumping over empty alcohol bottles when I enter the kitchen?

Any experience?

Have you ever lived on your own? Or do you still expect the generator to magically never run out of petrol, or the electricity bills to automatically be paid?

Do you clean?

What’s your definition of clean? Being able to eat off the toilet floor after you’ve cleaned it every week? Or sweeping once a month and hoping your fairy godmother will sort out everything else?

Let’s make it official.

Are you willing to sign a flatmate contract? Because it’s 2019 and I want everything we’ve agreed on written in black and white and signed.
Whether you’ve just moved into a new place or you’ve lived in your house for decades; we can guarantee that you’ve come across these typical Nigerian neighbours.
The one who’s generator is always on. 24 hours a day. 7 days a week.

Even if there’s light they won’t put it off because ‘NEPA will soon take the light’.
The nosy ones who don’t even try to hide the fact that they are being nosy.

Abeg sister that man that came to visit you last night, is that your brother?
The ones that have the NEPA siren that goes off when there is light.

If not for them you’ll just be wasting petrol.
The ones who are always coming to beg you to charge their phones once you put on your gen.

Oga you too on your gen now.
The ones who block the street with canopies every weekend for party.

Last week it was somebody’s naming ceremony. The week before that was birthday. This week it’s burial. And it’s not like they’ll even invite you for the party.
The one who is forever knocking on your door to borrow something.

If it’s not salt it’s broom. And before they return it, wahala.
The ones who use their house for weekly fellowship and always asks when you’ll join them.
Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
The one who always corners you to give you gist that you didn’t ask for.

“Did you know that Mummy Jamiu’s son impregnated someone? “
The ones who will wake you up in the morning with prayers and keep you up at 1am with prayers.

Because if their neighbours can’t hear them praying, God won’t answer their prayers.
As if your prayer warrior neighbour is not enough, there must be a church on your street too.

Sometimes even two or three. As one id finishing their service, the other one is starting.
The ones who will appoint themselves as street or estate chairman.

They’ll also take it upon themselves to start collecting monthly dues.
The one you’ve never seen in your life.

You can be living there for ten years and never meet them. You’ll only be seeing the light in their house going on and off.
The one who has a bigger family than Abraham.

Every day you will see a new face coming out of the house.
The resident baby boy or baby girl.

They don’t have any stress at all.
So answer with your chest now; which neighbour are you?
Everything about living in Lagos is an extreme sport.

But if you think you’ve seen the worst of Lagos, I’m here to tell you that you haven’t if you’ve never gone house hunting in Lagos.

Asides finding a place that’s close to work, or has small light, we’ve figured out what the hardest things about house hunting in Lagos are and how to hack them.

We’ve got you.
Everyone starts house hunting in Lagos with a ‘strict’ budget and lofty expectations.

At the end of the day, one must give way for the other.
So brace yourself. House hunting in Lagos doesn’t respect your pocket or feelings. If you’re still in the comfort of your parents’ house, now might be the time to reconsider this your move. If you have strong head, carry on.

First hack is to lower your expectations.

You might think if you are patient and thorough enough, you might find the place of your dreams. You won’t.

You’re only going to end up getting the least horrible of the thousand and one listings you’ll check out.

Any agent that wants to collect money from you per house you view is a scammer.

Find one or two reliable agents, preferably agents who come with a referral from someone you know and pay a one time fee.
Because all agents do is lie and waste your time, also look through property listing sites.

Pick out the least disgusting looking houses and set up viewings with the agents.

Remember I told you to lower your expectations? Oya take them even lower because those listings you found on tolet.ng and co are going to look nothing like the pictures you saw on the website.

If this house looks like this on the website…
…this is probably what it really looks like.

If you find a place that isn’t a hundred percent complete, please don’t drop any money.

You’d think this would go without saying but these Lagos landlords lie more than the devil himself and they’ll try and deceive you. Maybe they haven’t connected the light or they’ve been meaning to put a borehole or they haven’t painted. Once you pay, daizzit. Two months on and you’ll be there begging the landlord to put toilet in your bathroom.

You know the only other person on earth who lies more than landlords? Agents.

They’ll say whatever it takes to get you to pay for that house. If the road is bad, Ambode is coming to fix it next week. No light in the area? They’ve already bought new transformer your agent saw it with his own two eyes.

Before you pay your rent, you should try and meet the landlord, especially if you’ve been dealing exclusively with the agent.

Don’t let anyone come and wake you up in the middle of the night with eviction notice, after you’ve supposedly paid rent.

Don’t move into a house without a borehole.

They’ll tell you that Lagos state supplies the house with water and its reliable. Don’t be deceived, you’ll only end up buying water from mallams until you leave that house.
Ask about the old tenants.

Nothing beats getting to rent a brand new house in Lagos but the odds are slim. So if you get a house that has been lived in, first thing to do is ask about the tenants who lived in the house before. If there is no prepaid meter, make sure they’ve not left NEPA bill gbese for you to pay.

If you survive house hunting in Lagos, you can survive it anywhere really. And also, what tips have we left out?
Nobody is more disrespected in Nigeria than a housewife, and we’ve picked today to fight for them. If you are guilty of telling housewives any of these thirteen things, we are warning you now, better stop it.
“Why are you always tired? What do you even do all day that you are tired”

Oh, I don’t know only cook, clean and raise the kids. Small thing.
“So you just seat at home from morning till night, you are enjoying o”

If you don’t know what you are talking about, why won’t you just keep quiet ehn?
“So you mean you don’t work? Your husband must be really taking care of you o”

Yeah and I’m taking care of him and our kids too, so why don’t you mind your business.
“But what you are doing is not even hard now”

Why don’t you come and give it a shot first, you are just running your mouth.
“Oh you are bored? Tell your husband to open shop for you now”

I have a first degree and two masters, owning a shop isn’t my only option.
“I wish I was like you, so so enjoyment”

But what’s stopping you from being like me. Did I hold you?
“Why are you complaining about being a housewife, is your husband not taking care of you?”

Is that what I complained about?
“You don’t know how lucky you are that you don’t have to work”

Yes because it’s just play I’m playing as I’m at home.
“Don’t you want to get yourself a ‘real’ job?”

You that you have a ‘real job’ why do you still have time to monitor other people.
“So when are you going back to work?”

When are you going to start minding your business?
“But your kids go to school now, what do you now do all day?”

Listen to your silly questions apparently.
“You should find something to do with all this your free time”

But is it your own free time?
“Me, I could never be a housewife sha”

But who asked you?
Are you a Nigerian housewife? What’s the most annoying statement you’ve ever heard? Let’s know in the comments below.

“It was worse than living with my parents”

“My landlord was just a bastard”

“She used to ration our water”

“He was harassing my girlfriend”

“He was flattening my car tires”

“He let strangers into my house”

First thing.

How’s your family doing?

How many people are really moving in?

Early bird?

Let’s talk about your friends.

Kids?

Any pets?

You know there’ll be bills right?

Flat mate not BFF please.

Any criminal record?

Do you need to join an AA group?

Any experience?

Do you clean?

Let’s make it official.

The one who’s generator is always on. 24 hours a day. 7 days a week.

The nosy ones who don’t even try to hide the fact that they are being nosy.

The ones that have the NEPA siren that goes off when there is light.

The ones who are always coming to beg you to charge their phones once you put on your gen.

The ones who block the street with canopies every weekend for party.

The one who is forever knocking on your door to borrow something.

The ones who use their house for weekly fellowship and always asks when you’ll join them.

The one who always corners you to give you gist that you didn’t ask for.

The ones who will wake you up in the morning with prayers and keep you up at 1am with prayers.

As if your prayer warrior neighbour is not enough, there must be a church on your street too.

The ones who will appoint themselves as street or estate chairman.

The one you’ve never seen in your life.

The one who has a bigger family than Abraham.

The resident baby boy or baby girl.

So answer with your chest now; which neighbour are you?

Everything about living in Lagos is an extreme sport.

Asides finding a place that’s close to work, or has small light, we’ve figured out what the hardest things about house hunting in Lagos are and how to hack them.

Everyone starts house hunting in Lagos with a ‘strict’ budget and lofty expectations.

First hack is to lower your expectations.

Any agent that wants to collect money from you per house you view is a scammer.

Because all agents do is lie and waste your time, also look through property listing sites.

Remember I told you to lower your expectations? Oya take them even lower because those listings you found on tolet.ng and co are going to look nothing like the pictures you saw on the website.

…this is probably what it really looks like.

If you find a place that isn’t a hundred percent complete, please don’t drop any money.

You know the only other person on earth who lies more than landlords? Agents.

Before you pay your rent, you should try and meet the landlord, especially if you’ve been dealing exclusively with the agent.

Don’t move into a house without a borehole.

Ask about the old tenants.

If you survive house hunting in Lagos, you can survive it anywhere really. And also, what tips have we left out?

“Why are you always tired? What do you even do all day that you are tired”

“So you just seat at home from morning till night, you are enjoying o”

“So you mean you don’t work? Your husband must be really taking care of you o”

“But what you are doing is not even hard now”

“Oh you are bored? Tell your husband to open shop for you now”

“I wish I was like you, so so enjoyment”

“Why are you complaining about being a housewife, is your husband not taking care of you?”

“You don’t know how lucky you are that you don’t have to work”

“Don’t you want to get yourself a ‘real’ job?”

“So when are you going back to work?”

“But your kids go to school now, what do you now do all day?”

“You should find something to do with all this your free time”

“Me, I could never be a housewife sha”

Are you a Nigerian housewife? What’s the most annoying statement you’ve ever heard? Let’s know in the comments below.