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  • From having no money in ATMs, to failed transactions and double debits, we think the banking sector in Nigeria should just close up. They’ve had a good run. But to avoid a rise in unemployment, the banks should consider these other business paths. 

    Apartment complexes 

    Nigeria has a housing crisis so they should be useful and turn their buildings into apartment complexes. With the amount of branches in several locations, these banks have the power to solve the housing problem for good. 

    Selling akara 

    Sources reaching us is that the akara business is very lucrative. If banks don’t want to be useful, they can at least provide nourishment to people. Let them shame the enemies that say they’re completely useless.

    RELATED: 10 Places to Make Over 30k Per Day Selling Akara 

    Loan sharks 

    Since they take forever to reverse transactions and unlawful debits, they should learn what it’s like to pursue someone that’s owing them money. 

    Fashion houses 

    With all the things tailors and fashion designers have put Nigerians through, the banks should feel right at home. They can move from giving us one shege to another less important shege.  

    RELATED: 8 Things We Secretly Wish Nigerian Banks Will Do

    Event venues  

    Some banks forgot people don’t care for aesthetics when it comes to their money. Their buildings are so spacious and bright, it’s like they didn’t know what they line of business they were in. But with all the weddings happening every other day, they’ll cash out. 

    Community centres

    We don’t have a lot of community centres where children and young people can just hang out, pick up new skills and make friends. Imagine if the banks became community centres? 

    Restaurants 

    Nigerians will never get tired of restaurants. There can be 15 on a street, and they’ll all be booked and busy. If all the banks in Nigeria became restaurants, they won’t lack customers. 

    Internet service providers 

    Maybe if the two combine their rubbish behaviour, we can get one decent product out of them. Plus, internet service providers do a bit better and are harder to do with out. 

    RELATED: Interview With Nigerian Internet Service Providers: “Let Us Explain” 

  • Some anime characters do things that make me wonder if everything is okay upstairs. Here are questions I’d ask seven of them, if they were real people. 

    Zenitsu – Demon Slayer

    Question: What’s the colour of your problem? 

    Because imagine passing out and sleep-fighting during every fight in real life? The time he’d take to wake up is when they’d beat his ass. If you know him, tell him to answer my question. 

    RELATED: QUIZ: Which Anime World Would You Survive In?

    Brock – Pokemon

    Question: When can we form an “I love women” club? 

    I started (and failed to finish) rewatching the old Pokemon series with Ash and the gang, and so far, Brock is my favourite character because I, too, think women are queens. This guy is the original simp. He’d ditch his crew for a babe if she blinked at him. I get it sha; women should be worshipped. 

    Denji – Chainsaw Man

    Normal anime main characters are motivated to succeed so they can prove a point to their haters. Denji just wants to know the touch of a woman before he dies. 

    My question is simple: Sir, have you considered being motivated by money? Money cures depression. I know because I’m happy as hell when I’m not broke. 

    Yumeko Jabami – Kakegurui

    Question: Aunty, please, is everything okay at home?

    Do your parents know all you do is gamble your life away in the school they pay money for you to attend? From the first time I saw Yumeko on screen, I knew this unhinged gambler would give me a headache. I wish I was wrong. 

    Yuji Itadori – Jujutsu Kaisen

    Question: Did you maybe consider not eating the fingers of a demon? At any point, sir, did you take a step back or even try to poop or vomit the thing? I know it was for the plot o, but I’m just asking. 

    What was going through Yuji’s mind when he swallowed Sukuna’s fingers? He probably wanted to save Megumi’s life, but he’d only met him seconds before then. God, abeg for real.

    Dustiness Ford – KonoSuba

    Lalatina Ford Dustiness, BKA Darkness, is a masochistic crusader. This is important information because ever since I saw her in Konosuba, I just wanted to ask: “Why?” 

    This babe commits many failed “heroic” acts, not for the plot but because of her masochistic tendencies. She also lets the main character, Kazuma, verbally insult her because it “feels good”. 

    Every freaking character in Komi can’t Communicate 

    Question: Why are all of you like this? 

    To every single character except Komi, I pose these questions: Who are your parents? How did they raise some of the most “down bad” characters I’ve seen all in one anime? Why don’t you all have self-respect? Was it a prerequisite to get into the school?

    READ ALSO: 10 Best Feel-good Anime for Beginners

  • Finding a billionaire is hard enough; finding one who’ll willingly spend their hard and soft currency on you is even harder. That’s why we used all the tools in our arsenal to curate a list of places you’ll find these specific class of philanthropic billionaires. No need to thank us, we’re just being nice. 

    Babalawo’s shrine 

    The babalawo’s shrine is where you’ll meet the up-and-coming billionaires, people who’re there for money rituals, yahoo ++ and other things. You get to invest right before they blow. And when they do, you’ve bagged yourself a billionaire who’s gonna take care of you. Forget what people say about networking in country clubs, the shrine is the best place to network. 

    Someone’s village 

    People always claim there are lowkey billionaires, richer than Dangote, in their villages. Those billionaires? You must jam them by force. 

    RELATED: 11 Signs You’re Not Ready to Be a Billionaire

    Marine kingdom 

    One thing about the bad bitches in the marine kingdom is they’ll never go for a broke guy. If you join them, you’ll get access to their elite list of billionaires whose lives you can destroy. 

    Stand on a bad road and hawk oranges 

    Now, if Nollywood has taught us anything, it’s that billionaires like orange sellers. However, for this to properly work, you have to hawk on a road that’s notorious for spoiling cars. When your billionaire parks to buy your oranges, their car will suddenly refuse to start working. Offer to fix it and gbam, billionaire secured. 

    RELATED: QUIZ: Which Nigerian Billionaire Are You?

    Hell

    Since billionaires never make heaven, you’ll definitely find many in hell. So go to one of those people who take excursions to heaven and hell and ask them what airline they use to visit hell.  When you get there, ask the dearly departed billionaires how you can date and marry the ones they left on Earth. 

    Any 60th birthday party 

    If you see anyone throwing a 60th birthday party, better attend. There’s something about people who celebrate their 60th birthdays and that thing is wealth. Either you catch the eye of the billionaire celebrant or one of their billionaire friends in attendance. 

    Twitter

    People on that app are always claiming to know one or two billionaires personally. Snoop around and get to befriending. There’s no mercy for money, so find all the people findable and collect all their money. 

    RELATED: Quiz: Do You Even Have What it Takes to Be a Nigerian Billionaire? 

    Starting tomorrow (January 31st, 2023)

  • There comes a time in a sugar baby’s life when they realise they need to settle down and get married… to someone their age. Since weddings are expensive, and you don’t have the funds, here’s how to convince your sugar mummy to pay for everything. 

    Make her the chief bridesmaid 

    She’ll have a sense of duty to the event, and her purse will overflow. Plus, if she’s playing such a big role in the wedding, her rich friends would come too, and that means more money for you. 

    You had a dream

    Tell her you had a dream her life changed for the better after she sponsored your wedding. You can say you asked her for it as a favour, and when she refused, God used the bitterness in your heart to punish her. Nothing too extreme. Just say enough for her to agree to finance your entire wedding. 

    RELATED: 7 Important Qualities to Look Out for in a Sugar Mummy

    It’s a school project 

    You know how education keeps evolving? Well, your school gave you an assignment to throw a successful wedding plus reception. Tell her you’ll fail and drop out if she doesn’t finance it. If you’re not in school, you’re taking a new online course. 

    Her marriage inspired you 

    Not all sugar mummies are married, but if yours happens to be, then use it to your advantage. Her marriage is an inspiration and you want to know what marital bliss feels like. Sure, she’s cheating, but that doesn’t mean her marriage isn’t great. 

    If she’s not married, marry her

    The easiest way to get her to pay for your wedding is by making her the bride. Do you think she’ll let her wedding be done anyhow? Of course not. Wedding of the century. 

    RELATED: The Zikoko Guide to Finding a Nigerian Sugar Mummy 

    Or marry her child

    She’ll have no choice but to finance the entire wedding. It’s called strategic positioning. 

    Remind her that her reputation is at stake 

    People already associate you with her, so if you have a rubbish wedding, it’ll reflect poorly on her. There’ll be rumours about how she’s going broke and society will shun her. If your wedding isn’t grand, she might as well vanish from society. 

    Work overtime 

    Approach it from a business perspective. Show her a plan on how you’ll use your body to repay your debt. Work smarter, not harder. 

    RELATED: How to Get a Sugar Mummy Before You’re Old Enough to Be a Sugar Daddy

    Starting tomorrow (January 31st, 2023)

  • As an adult, why are you still using a spoon to eat rice? When you’re not a three-year-old being forced to finish your food before the school bus comes. 

    Here are 7 valid reasons why you should grow up and switch to a fork today.

    To show you’re not greedy

    I mean, why are you using a spoon to eat if you’re not a thief? For the same work rate, you might as well use a shovel.  

    RELATED:  Interview With Spoon, Fork, & Knife: “Why We Usually Disappear”

    To show you respect your ancestors

    Forks will never disrespect your ancestors the way spoons do. The prongs were designed to let some food fall down for the gods. If your life is not doing okay, it’s because you use a spoon and your ancestors feel neglected.

    To show you respect the food

    Only people who don’t respect food would eat it fast. Good food should be approximated and chewed slowly to show you love how good it tastes, and you’re willing to be patient.

    Because you’re an adult

    For God’s sake, why would you rush your food like that? Ever seen a teenage boy heap food with a spoon? Yeah, that’s what you look like. 

    So the forks don’t get lonely

    It’s just human decency to use the fork as much as you use your spoon. You don’t want them feeling left out and disappearing just because. Just be kind, abeg.

    To chook anyone who tries to beg for food

    Can you protect yourself with a spoon? No, but you can always use a fork to scare off those who don’t let others eat in peace. 

    It’ll never betray you when you wash it

    One thing a fork will never do is spray water all over your body when you try to wash it. Do with that information what you must.

    RELATED: 8 Things That Taste Better When They’re Free

    Starting next week (January 31st, 2023)

  • The question on everyone’s mind when they’re getting their pictures taken is, “What should I do with my hands?” Never fear, best in photography and posing activities, Zikoko, is here to save the day. 

    Put your hands on your head

    This way, your hands aren’t only occupied, but you’ll look like what you’re going through. Let everyone see the picture and know the case is critical and you need help.

    Make the sign of the cross

    You have to protect yourself from all your village people. Who knows which evil spirit or eyes are looking at your picture? The sign will ward off the bad energy. 

    Do as if you’re praying

    Put your hands together in front of you. It’s so God doesn’t harshly judge the souls of those who’ll commit sin in their hearts once they see your pictures. 

    Put your hands on your waist 

    Remember when we used to put our hands on our waist to take pictures as children? Well, maybe it’s time we brought it back. You’ll reconnect with your inner child and keep your hands busy. 

    Pull your ears

    Not only does this prove you’re invested in finally hearing word, but it gives your face a unique structure.

    RELATED: Zikoko Hack: How to Scare Nigerians

    Put a finger in your mouth

    Channel your inner Nollywood bad gyal and bite your finger. If it doesn’t feel good enough, bite the whole hand. Don’t let anyone stop you from living your best life.

    Plug your ears 

    You won’t hear anything the haters say about your drip.  

    Leave them by your side 

    Instead of thinking of which poses will work well with your outfit, lighting and angles, just leave the hands by your side. It’s a little serious, but it’ll never go out of style. 

    READ ALSO: 8 Extremely Honest and Helpful Mini Skirt Tips

    Starting next week (January 31st, 2023)

  • Working from home is cool and all, but sometimes, you get tired of staring at the four walls of your house every day. To add a little spice to your work life, try working from any of these locations instead. 

    The beach

    Sometimes, work makes you doubt why you’re alive. So go to the beach and observe the ocean and sunset. It’ll remind you there’s more to life than work, and you have things to live for. 

    Bukka

    The bukka not only provides a change of scenery but a change of smell too. Aren’t you tired of smelling yourself 24/7? Try hot amala, jollof rice and sweat. Sure, you might also add a little weight, but all of that won’t matter in heaven. 

    RELATED: 5 Nigerian Women Talk About Working From Home

    Church

    When your manager sends you a foolish message, you can just mute your laptop and put their name on the altar. Fire for fire. 

    Forest 

    If you always feel sleepy because you’re working from home, this would cure it. Between killing mosquitoes and watching for wild animal that want to eat you, you’ll be very alert. 

    RELATED: How Are Young Nigerians Breaking the Monotony of Working From Home in 2022

    On an okada 

    How else will you prove you can work under pressure and in a fast-paced environment?

    Your secondary school

    Remind yourself where you’re coming from and let it motivate you to keep pushing. Life’s tough, but you’re tougher. 

    Filling station

    Buy fuel and knock some tasks off of your to-do list. It’s killing two birds with one stone. 

    RELATED: 8 Things You Can Relate to if You Work Remotely From Your House

  • K-pop has been in our faces for a long time, so it’s impossible to say you’ve not heard any K-pop songs. Whether you listened on purpose or not, it’s the perfect earworm that finds a way to you, especially if you’re a big movie watcher, gamer, or you’re just chronically online. 

    You might not be a stan yet, but if you can identify all 11 songs in this article, my brother in Christ, you’re one deliberate listen away from being a K-pop fan. 

    Fantastic Baby – BIGBANG

    This song appeared on Glee and in the Pitch Perfect 2 trailer. If you watched both, there’s no way “Wow. Fantastic baby” wasn’t stuck in your head for days. Give it a proper listen.

    RELATED: QUIZ: Only K-Pop Fans Know Who Sang These Iconic Lyrics

    As If It’s Your Last – BLACKPINK 

    Remember that scene in Justice League, where Batman is just sitting in the Flash’s liar like he paid the rent? I’ve always found it funny that BLACKPINK’s As if It’s Your Last was playing on a desktop monitor in the background. Yeah, that’s why you know that chorus. 

    Kill This Love – BLACKPINK 

    Every other day, someone on the internet remembers how cute the To All The Boys I’ve Ever Loved movies were. I always fight the urge to tell them that BLACKPINK was all over the OST. This is probably the most popular one, and it’s from the scene where Lara Jean tries to be a supportive girlfriend. It’s her GRWM montage.

    Hangover by PSY ft Snoop Dogg

    You probably heard this song in the first Black Panther movie and bop-ed to it even though you couldn’t sing along. Come on, give it a second listen. Watch your brain remember how it felt to listen to it the first time. If you don’t remember it, ask us for your data money back.

    I Am The Best – 2NE1

    For fans of dance movies where the mean character does these super complicated routines, you probably heard 2NE1’s I Am The Best in Work It. Or you were to busy staring at Keiynan Lonsdale to hear it. 

    ZimZalabim and Russian Roulette – Red Velvet 

    Where are all my adults who watch kid’s cartoons? If you saw Trolls 2, you’d remember the scene where the main trolls kept meeting other trolls with different music tastes. ZimZalabim and Russian Roulette probably got stuck in your head for days afterwards.

    https://youtu.be/9h8ZL3xRHsQ

    Friends – BTS 

    Was this a super short music cameo? Yes, but how can you say you didn’t notice Friends playing in the background? Chelsea, come on now. It’s BTS.

    Dynamite – BTS 

    We can pretend you know half the lyrics of this song from Clifford The Big Red Dog, but we both know you don’t even know where you heard it the first time. It’s okay. You like K-pop, and nobody will beat you for that.

    How You Like That – BLACKPINK

    I’m actually convinced that when two or three people are gathered, one person knows how to sing How You Like That. My source? “I no go lie give you”. I probably heard it first on Hotel Transylvania, and TikTok didn’t help either.

    Euphoria – BTS

    Remember that cute scene on Euphoria, where Kat and Ethan finally admit to liking each other, and the background turns purple, and Euphoria by BTS plays loudly in the background? You didn’t miss it. In fact, fill in the blank: “You are the cause of my…” Exactly. You know the song. 

    Lucifer – SHINee

    Where are the fans of the Lucifer series? Season three, episode 13, starts with Lucifer fighting a Korean drug dealing group to the same-title song by SHINee. 

    Bonus if you use TikTok

    You know at least six of these catchy songs: Zoo – NCT x Aespa, DDU-DU DDU-DU – BLACKPINK, Money – Lisa, The Feels – TWICE, Butter – BTS, Christmas EveL – Stray Kids, Loco – Itzy, Love Shot – EXO, ASAP– StayC and Attention – NewJeans. 

    Nobody will judge you for even knowing the choreography thanks to TikTok. Of course, you fell victim to good music. Now, go and listen on purpose this time. 

    READ ALSO: The Ultimate K-Pop Beginner Playlist From One K-Pop Newbie to Another

  • With the housing crisis, recession, and the need for freedom, more and more people are sharing accommodation. It’s cheaper, you can leave your parent’s house, and many more great reasons. However, the problem is, who do you move in with? Well, due to careful analysis and a consultation with the team at Zikoko Statistics, we’ve narrowed down the best option, which is your ex. 

    Keep your friends close and your enemies closer

    Monitoring their moves and behaviour never got easy. Plus, if you’re the toxic one in the relationship and you’re scared they might want to retaliate and do something absolutely batshit, you have a chance to keep a really close eye on them. 

    Inspires you to do better with your life 

    You can’t let your ex think you’re doing terribly without them. You can rub your success in their face, so take it. Go to the gym, maintain a healthy social life and cosplay as a mentally stable adult. Plus, do you know how embarrassing it’ll be for you if your ex comes to tell you that you’re late for rent payment? If that’s not enough motivation to work hard, we don’t know what is. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: Love Isn’t Always Enough

    Easy access to their DNA in case you’ve not healed enough

    As much as we want to pretend we’ve healed enough from the terrible relationship, sometimes only revenge can help you move on. If you and your ex live together, you can access their hair, saliva, blood, skin, etc. Enough that you can take it to your herbalist and place a heavy curse on them.

    It’s giving enemies to lovers

    We said we’re going to romanticise our lives this year, so why not start by doing something that looks like it came from the pages of your favourite young adult novel? 

    RELATED: A Case for Your Favourite Ex: The Oloriburuku You Know Is Better than the One You Don’t

    It’s new and different

    People have lived with romantic partners, best friends, family members, etc and they’re always complaining about how badly it turned out. Do something out of the box. Who knows, this might be the one that works out. 

    For the plot

    It might not be good for you mentally, but it’ll be good for the plot and sometimes we should just do things because it’ll be good for the plot called life. 

    You get to sabotage their future relationships

    How many people will feel comfortable dating someone that’s living with their ex? Exactly! If they stressed you out, you must stress them out. 

    RELATED: So You Want to Be Friends With Your Ex?

  • If your mental health is not as strong as you wish, there are people in certain professions you should avoid entering relationships with. They’ll stress you, increase your blood pressure, and you’ll end up in a psychiatric hospital. 

    Since we care about your mental health, here’s a list of such people so you can avoid them. 

    Actors 

    If your mental health do usually have comma and the occasional full stop, don’t bother with an actor. Why? Overthinking will nearly kill you. You want to date someone who can cry on demand? LMAO. If you think you can handle it, your brain will show you something. 

    Zikoko writers 

    Writers are bad enough, but dating a Zikoko writer? You clearly don’t enjoy life or want peace. Not only is everything content for them, but they never have your time. They’re too busy resting from the havoc they’ve caused or plotting to constitute a nuisance. If you’re still doubting, ask yourself, “How many Zikoko writers are in long-term committed relationships?” Exactly. 

    RELATED: 11 Reasons Why You Should Never Date a Creative

    Customer care reps 

    They’re like actors, but somehow worse. They’d be talking politely to a customer on the phone and have the most ridiculous facial reactions. How are you sure that’s not how they act when you call them? They’re pros at making their voice neutral even when they want to kill you. It’s too much, abeg. 

    Personal trainer 

    They’ll be a bit too concerned with their own body. You’ll be dating someone who thinks a good date idea is jogging along the Lekki-Ikoyi link bridge. That’s enough to make you more unstable than you already are. 

    RELATED: Pros and Cons of Dating a Gym Bro

    CEOs

    Capitalist propagators don’t care about their own selves, and you think you’re worth it to them? You’ll tell them you’re having a mental breakdown; they’ll say it’s because you don’t wake up at 5 a.m. to seize the day. Better choose yourself. 

    Instagram vendors 

    Have all the “what you ordered vs what you got” trends on social media taught you nothing? If not, let us help you. Instagram vendors will promise you one thing and give you something else. You’re too unstable to be dealing with people who’ll only breadcrumb and love-bomb you. 

    Delivery people

    They’ll give you high blood pressure with constant calls to ask you unnecessary questions. Plus, even though their jobs require them to, they never actually know how to get anywhere. Is that someone you want to lead a relationship? 

    HR

    You’ll think because their job revolves around people, they’ll know how to actually treat a partner well. Unfortunately, that’s not the case. They’re like military dictators, and you can never rest when they’re around. Do you think they grant mental health days to their coworkers? The answer is no. 

    Tailor

    Their entire job revolves around making false promises. It’s their MO. Why will you date a tailor when you don’t have the mental fortitude for such behaviour? Plus, they’re always dodging customers. Can your anxiety handle that? 

    Politician

    As if your life is not hard enough, you want to be with someone who receives curses on a daily basis? Mental health that you’re managing, someone will use swear to reverse. Abeg. 

    RELATED: Dear Millennials for Your Own Sake Don’t Date People With These Jobs