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  • I have observed a worrying pattern. Especially among my male friends. There seems to be a silent agreement to bear things quietly because the alternative is to suffer ridicule. As the lockdown progressed, I watched a lot of my friends consume copious amounts of stimulants to cope with the uncertainty ahead. Most recently, lay-offs at work.

    Worried by this trend, I asked a couple of men about their struggles. Unsurprisingly, none of them wanted to talk. However, when I promised anonymity, they started to speak freely. They were more worried about being publicly judged than the weight of their problems. Sigh.

    Here are some of the things they had to say:

    1) When it’s time to kill a rat.

    “Who told anybody that I want to automatically take charge of every situation? It just feels like I am only remembered when it’s time for dangerous situations. Yes, I am also scared of rats. Why is it something I should be ashamed of? Is it penis you use to kill rat or stick?”

    2) Being blamed for everything that happens.

    “It’s funny that the people that blame me for everything that happens to them expect sympathy for me. Lol. It would be easier to sympathize if the feeling was even a bit mutual. Not being told that “I will be fine” because I am a man. After all, I don’t have problems.🌝”

    3) Penis jokes.

    “Since there are bigger issues in the world, people expect me to act cool with all the “2 seconds” jokes. Good luck to anyone expecting me to open up about performance issues. Women say men can’t satisfy them but from past experience, many boys have learned that being vulnerable will only end in jokes. They will use it against you when they are angry. God forbid.”

    4) I feel stuck.

    “I hate my job and I want to quit. The only issue is that every time I tell my wife, she warns me not to try it. I must keep doing the job because it funds our lifestyle. The ultimatum from her is clear; If I leave the job, it’s as good as leaving her. I am not suicidal or anything but getting hit by a car would solve a lot of my problems.”

    5) Not being able to just break down and cry.

    “In the hospital where I work, after a 48-hour shift, the consultants will tell the women to go home and rest. They get to freshen up before morning rounds. As a man, you dare not make the same request. Your guys will treat you like the smell from a diabetic foot. So, I always crack a hard guy smile like I am not pained. Deep inside, I just want to breakdown and cry because what kind of life is this?”

    6) Struggling with spirituality.

    “I am struggling with the expectation that as a man, you are to lead your wife and family spiritually. Right now, I am not even so sure that I am a Christian. But everyone expects me to lead. I feel so lost.”

  • “A Week In The Life” is a weekly Zikoko series that explores the working-class struggles of Nigerians. It captures the very spirit of what it means to hustle in Nigeria and puts you in the shoes of the subject for a week.

    Today’s subject is *Agnes, a nurse currently caring for Covid patients. She tells us her fears as a young person working in close contact with an infectious disease.

     MONDAY:

    I did not sleep all night. My mind keeps playing the different scenarios that can happen before this pandemic is over. “What if I get infected?”  “What if I make a mistake and infect my family?”

    I don’t feel like going to work today.

    My parents are really supportive. My dad reminds me that my job is a humanitarian service. My mum tells me to just go and she prays for me. This gives me the positive reinforcement I need to leave the house.

    Once I get into the ward, all my fears melt away. Seeing the patients gives me ginger to work and I immediately swing into action.

    One of my patients is reluctant to take his drugs but I encourage him. He tells me that he knows he doesn’t have a choice but it’s just so difficult. He is tired of staying indoors, not being able to see his family, and constantly taking medications. I try to empathize with him but I realise that I can’t completely understand what he’s going through. I have the freedom to go and come as I want. I also get to see my family, but he’s stuck inside.

    On my way home after work, I can’t stop thinking about the patient. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be alone so I say a silent prayer for him. I pray that God comforts him.

    My family is excited to see that I made it back alive. I am scared of infecting them so I tell them to keep their distance. I undress before entering and fold my clothes along with my scrubs from work.

    I have my bath again. This is the third time today because I can’t take any chances. I soak both my casual clothes and scrubs in bleach without bothering to separate them. I just want to make sure that they are disinfected. After I have scrubbed to my satisfaction, I go to greet my family members.

     TUESDAY: 

    It’s easier to go to work today. I am motivated by the réalisation that the patients have nobody; they only have us, the health workers. They can’t see their family and they can’t leave the hospital.

    I am taking danfo to work and as an extra precaution, I pay for the whole seat. I am trying to separate myself and make sure I don’t infect anyone. If I seclude myself from other people on the bus, they have lower chances of getting infected.

    On my way to work, I see people in clusters and I am annoyed. Some people are even jogging. Can’t they jog in their house? It makes me wonder if people are not listening to the news about how this illness spreads. I am risking my life to care for patients and to make sure the discharge rate increases and some people think this is the right time to jog.

    I need a distraction from the annoyance I feel before I get to work. I open social media and I see a video from the discharged patients thanking the healthcare workers. They are dancing and they look genuinely happy. This makes me happy and improves my mood. At least, some Nigerians appreciate my work. I am not working in vain.

     WEDNESDAY:

    Wearing the Personal Protective Equipment (PPE) is not child’s play. It is very uncomfortable.

    COVID-19 nurse

    Face shield on the person in white.

    The first step is to wash my hands. Then, I get two pairs of gloves. I wear the first pair of gloves. Next, I wear a disposable cap. After that, I wear an N95 respirator, then a regular face mask on top of it. The N95 respirator holds my disposable cap in place. Then I wear the PPE gown. 

    COVID-19 nurse

    N95 facemask.

    Next, I wear a face shield. This protects my eyes and makes sure my face is covered against splashes from body fluid. Then, I make a small hole in the sleeve of my gown and put my thumb through it. This prevents my gown from drawing back when I am attending to the patient as this can leave me exposed. Then, I wear the second pair of gloves over the first with the thumb sticking through the hole.

    Finally, I wear my knee-length boots. Once I am done, I tell my colleague to check for space and to make sure that there are no mistakes.

    It’s so hot in all these layers of clothing. It’s even harder walking in the boots. But I have no choice. 

    After taking this precautionary step, I am annoyed when I read a statement by a journalist claiming three nurses in my hospital have been infected. It’s annoying because they haven’t taken any health worker samples for testing, so how can they even be positive?

    Also, the news is making my family members panic and they have been calling me all day. They keep asking “Are you fine?” “Are you part of the people infected?” 

    I spend the rest of the day reassuring them that I am fine and this only stresses me further. Every day I go to work is already stressful enough for them. It’s unfair to add the rumour of health workers getting infected to their fear. 

    Can today just end? I just want to go home and watch Boys Over Flowers, my favorite Korean series. I am in serious need of a distraction. 

    THURSDAY:

    Today, in the ward, my face shield falls off. I am too shocked to process anything. I keep thinking, “Is this how I die?” All I remember is my superior telling me to quickly leave the isolation ward. My legs carry me outside but I am not present. I wash my face, arms, and neck with chlorine water. The one we use to disinfect our PPE before entering the ward. Then, I take more chlorine water and I go have my bath with it.

    I decide to sleep in a hotel tonight. I can’t go home. At the hotel, I have another bath with chlorine water. By the time I am done scrubbing, my eyes are very red. I look like I have either just finished smoking or crying.

    My bosses keep calling and I can’t stop asking them if I will die. I tell them that I feel like dying but they keep reassuring me that I won’t die. I don’t know why they are more confident than I am. They also tell me to take some time off work to rest.

    I can’t tell my parents the real reason I am not coming home so I make up an excuse. I know if I tell my mum, she’ll wake me up in the middle of the night to pray for me and I will end up not sleeping.

    Honestly, I really just need to sleep. I can’t wait for all this to end.

    FRIDAY:

    After this pandemic is over, my colleagues and I need to see a psychologist. Is it normal to dread going to work? To be uncertain of what will happen when you get to work: How many patients will come in today? What will happen today?

    It’s worse when I am on night shift because all the admissions come in the middle of the night. Because of the stigma, people wait till the cover of dark before asking the ambulance to come pick them. Since everyone is thinking the same way and trying to avoid stigma, the night shifts are intense. During my last night shift, we admitted seven patients at once. I wanted to die from the stress.

    I don’t blame these patients too. I remember a couple that tested positive for the virus but their kids were negative. Because the whole family knew about their diagnosis, nobody wanted to take in their children. They were all scared that the test results were fake. So, the poor kids had to go stay with their parents’ colleagues from work. That’s when the stigma patients face dawned on me.

    All of this only adds up to make my work ten times harder. At least today, I get to chat and listen to music and not think of work. I am less scared today than I was yesterday.

    SATURDAY:

    I call my family members today to let them know that I am still alive. I haven’t spoken to them since Thursday. I will be going home today. I am alive today so let me spend time with my family. I have been boosting my immune system and scrubbing my body with chlorine.

    I cherish any free time I have now and I want to spend it with them. God forbid, if I go to work one day and someone calls my parents that something has happened to me, how will they take it? So, the least I can do is spend as much time with them as possible.

    I considered getting a will when the government first increased my salary for being a part of the COVID-19 fight. But then I realised that I don’t need one. My parents know all the passwords to my ATM cards. My sibling is my next of kin.

    Also, only two people in this world owe me money and it doesn’t count. The first person is a childhood friend and I feel indebted to the person. Even if I die, it’s money my ghost can forget. The second person is my mum and she has done far more than that for me. She even deserves more. I can’t now start going to write in my will that “Mummy owes me this.”

    After considering all of this, I just can’t be bothered. I just keep praying that all of us see it out alive. From Nigeria to me, to my colleagues at the frontlines, to my family members.

    For now, let me prepare to go home.

     SUNDAY:

    No church today. But there hasn’t been church service for me in a while. When the pandemic first hit Nigeria, I was nursing COVID-19 patients, so, instead of entering the church on Sundays, I would stay outside in a secluded place and worship from a distance. I went to church because I needed that communal feeling of worship. After the service, I would leave before everyone. I was so worried about infecting anyone that I avoided mixing with the other worshippers.

    Today, I say a silent prayer. I pray that God should save me. I am not married. I have not given birth and I am playing with a pandemic. I have a lot of things I haven’t yet done. I want to learn how to drive. I want to travel; I want to experience the fashion in Korea. I want to experience their culture. I keep watching it in their series and I want to see it in person. I also want to visit my sister’s kids because I have never met them in person. But, most importantly, I look forward to getting married. Even though I left my last boyfriend because he was not serious, I am still open to love. 

    Tomorrow, I go again.

    This story was edited for clarity. Some details have been changed to protect the identity of the subject.

    Check back every Tuesday by 9 am for more “A Week In The Life Of” goodness, and if you would like to be featured or you know anyone who fits the profile, don’t hesitate to reach out. Reach out to me: hassan@bigcabal.com if you want to be featured on this series.

  • “A Week in the Life” is a weekly Zikoko series that explores the working-class struggles of Nigerians. It captures the very spirit of what it means to hustle in Nigeria and puts you in the shoes of the subject for a week.

    Today’s subject is Chief Ogunsekan, a coffin maker. He tells us how being the boundary between the living and dead has shaped his outlook of the world.

    MONDAY:

    I wake up by 6 am today. I usually don’t wake up this early unless I have a burial to plan. I go to the mortuary to prepare a corpse for lying-in-state which is by 10 am. I supervise my boys as they bathe and make up the body for the church service. Bodies that have been in the mortuary are embalmed, so they don’t smell. This makes the work bearable. The mortuary delays us till around 8 am but we still make it in time for the service.

    By 11:30 am we proceed to the cemetery for the final rites. I am providing a full package for the client and that involves cameraman, band boys, wreath, casket, ambulance, and pallbearers.

    My pallbearers are in charge of lifting the casket to the burial ground. The coffin is lowered into the ground and this signifies the end of my service. I go over to collect my balance from the bereaved. Because burials are expensive, we allow part payment until the rites are finished.

    Some people pay us from the money friends spray them on the day of the burial. Others from asoebi money they gather. We understand how expensive burials are, so we give them this option.


    My client is trying to be funny. They say they have spent more money than they bargained for and they don’t have my balance. I tell my boys to go and rent diggers and shovels so we can remove the body and take our casket. No payment, no service. Everyone looks worried and eventually, the guests at the burial raise a loan for my balance. I thank them, pay my staff and head back to the office. Just another day at the job.

    TUESDAY:

    The office opens at 8 am. I have someone who opens the office for me so I don’t have to go in that early. I am now a chief in my hometown so this means I can’t focus on only one stream of income. Being a chief means spending money and this is why I have another business that adds to my income: I import shoes, shirts and sell to retailers. Life is funny because 23 years ago, I never would have imagined that I would be a chief or even be able to rent a house. 

    For the first three years when I started selling coffins, I used to sleep in between them, on top of them, underneath them. I was struggling so bad that I couldn’t afford to rent a house. Also, because I started this business quite young, people would run from me. Many people were sure I was going to die quickly so they avoided me completely.

    coffin maker

    You bury so many people in 20 years that you no longer keep track. Sometimes, people on the road see me and thank me for my service. I always try to remember who they are: Is this the person I helped drive a body overnight from Lagos to Calabar? Or was it Lagos to Abia? 

    These days I am no longer as involved in the business because I am now a titled person. I don’t have time like before because I have too many pressing issues to take care of. I am in charge of making preparations to crown a new king so I have to shuttle between my hometown and Lagos almost every week.

    WEDNESDAY:

    Today, my ten-year-old daughter is at the office to assist. She grew up watching me interact with customers so she has become prolific at selling. She understands how to price and offer customers various packages. One of her tactics is to tell customers that they should patronise her daddy because it’s out of this business she will get money for feeding for the next day. So, even when I am not around, they always ask for my number and call saying my daughter has convinced them to patronise me. I am proud of how sharp she is.

    When I first told her mum, my wife, what I did for a living, she was shocked. I was not surprised because the women I had dated in the past had also been shocked and worried. There is a belief that because of this job, I will invite spirits into my life. That when I sleep, they will disturb me or even have conversations with me. I had to calm her down and reassure her that work doesn’t come home with me. Also, I tell them that as long as you didn’t kill the person, you have nothing to be afraid of.

    THURSDAY:

    I like to believe that there are blessings that come with this job after death. The funeral master covers up the many secrets of the dead and there are rewards that come with that. From the people at the cemetery to the ambulance drivers, coffin makers, pallbearers, they all play a role in covering up for the dead so they will all get rewarded. 

    This job has given me the fear of God. If you do this job and you are still wicked, your punishment starts from here. Not hereafter. My job is a constant warning that life is vanity. In my short time, I have seen people die in so many different ways; dying in their sleep, dying during prayers. After seeing all of these, you can’t tighten the world to your chest or even be wicked.  

    If our politicians did a job like this and had the constant reminder of death, we would all be better off for it. They have never done this kind of job before and were just thrust into power so there is no fear of God. If it was that before the person became appointed in the role, the person washed a dead body, or dug a grave, the person would understand the vanity of it all. 

    FRIDAY:

    At the office today, an ambulance passed by and I said a prayer for the person in it to survive. Even though people die every day, I never pray for them to die so that my business will move. They are human beings like me so I must wish them the best because one day too, it’ll be my turn. You hear of the length some sellers go to make sales, some use juju around their shop to increase sales. You hear of others who go to the wards in hospitals to peep at patients and wait for them to die. I don’t bother with all of these because if there’s one thing I am sure of; we are all going to die. I am just hoping for a non-painful death.

    What prompted me to start this work was that one day I realised that people die every day. I started out making furniture but business was slow and I was barely surviving, I even tried business but the gbese from buyers was just too much. But I came to the realisation that people die every day and people would want to be buried so I decided to try this business.

    I go to bed at around 9/10 pm. I don’t have a lot of friends. Ever since I became a chief, a lot of people now greet me even though I don’t know them. Popular people don’t have friends so I don’t go out much and that’s why I go to bed early. 

    SATURDAY:

    Today, someone came to rent my ambulance for burial and I told them: “This ambulance is a Formatic R class so it costs N150,000 per day within Lagos. Around Ogun, Ibadan, Osun, it’s N300,000 per day.” They didn’t expect such a cost. Now add this with the cost of a casket and other expenses, you can easily reach a million naira in expenses. So, what I do is ask them for their budget and offer them services based on that budget. It really is tough.

    coffin maker

    One thing that always surprises people is how expensive burials cost. Caskets range from N150,000 to N250,000 to N500,000 to N1 million. Depending on what you are hoping to get. Also, depending on additional services provided, it increases.

    coffin maker


    The struggle actually never ends. I am consoled by the fact that the day of death is the day of rest so I keep trying while I am here.

    SUNDAY:

    Today, I travel to my hometown for chieftaincy matters. I am a kingmaker, an Apena. This means that I am in charge of some of the rituals that the king must partake in. So, I must go home to supervise the preparations.

    People ask me if I am scared of the rituals involved and I wonder why I should be. How can I be scared of what my forefathers have been doing before me? Something I was born into. I tell them that tradition is like learning a craft and I started since I was young so I have mastered it. 

    As long as I know that we are not hurting anyone, there is nothing to be scared of. I am a tough man and can do what most people can’t do. I have slept in the same car with dead bodies while transporting them interstate. In the past, I have dug graves. I have also had to bathe a corpse. So, what do I have to be afraid of?

     I am not harming anyone and I am forever preparing for death so I have nothing to fear. I will be back to Lagos in 5 days time because I really have a lot of things to attend to on this journey. Then we start all over again until our day of rest finally comes.

    **This conversation was had in Yoruba and was edited and condensed for clarity.

    Check back every Tuesday by 9 am for more “A Week In The Life Of” goodness, and if you would like to be featured or you know anyone who fits the profile, don’t hesitate to reach out.

    Reach out to me: hassan@bigcabal.com if you want to be featured on this series.

  • Legend has it that when we die, we are reborn. Are you curious about who you were in your past life?

    Take this quiz to find out:

  • As a career changer, I can tell you that switching is the single most scary thing in the entire world. And I am not even exaggerating. A career change can be so frightening because many times you are leaving certainty for uncertainty.

    It gets even more difficult when you are not sure what you should switch to or should be doing with your life. It can be overwhelming with you constantly asking yourself if everything is okay at home.

    While there is no set in stone answer, I have found these frameworks for thinking about the process useful on this journey.

    Career change animation

    Accountability:

    See, if they leave me and you from today till tomorrow to start something new, we won’t. I don’t know about you but I am lazy af. That’s why the best thing to do when trying to change a career is to surround yourself with like-minded people who are also trying to escape. That way you can all trade ideas, motivation, and make sure that you don’t slack too much on changing career. Because left to my bullshit, I am going to sleep my life away.

    Action:

    I don’t know about you but I plan for Africa to make up for my inaction. The truth is that clarity comes after doing and not before. Therefore, when trying to switch, it’s important to be familiar with the industry you want to go into. You can volunteer your spare time to test the waters so you understand quickly if this is really your thing, or you should abandon the mission. It also makes it easier to break in once you fully decide to transition.

    It’s only by doing that you know what works or doesn’t.

    Interpersonal relationships:

    Don’t let anyone lie to you that famzing is bad. In grownup speak, this is called networking. See, when you are going somewhere new, your C.V is not going to be impressive so therefore you must famz network with the industry leaders. Jobs aren’t littered on the road but they are attached to people therefore you must seek them out. What you need at this point is the experience from your old job and the enthusiasm to face and conquer a new challenge.

    Remember that closed mouths don’t get fed.

    In case you missed this Zikoko goodness about resigning from a job, you should read this.

  • From an early age, I was told I had only one task: “Go-to-school–find-a-job-get-married-and-start-a-family.”

    Sounds easy right? right?

    If I could go back in time, I would probably slap everyone who gave me such an easy to read version of events. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM!!

    My first year of holding down a 9-5 was filled with so many wtf moments that no one prepared me for in any way. Why didn’t anyone say something? even a whisper?

    Well, I don’t have up to 10 years of experience, but here’s what I have learned from my years of frauding it.

    1) So, this is it?

    I remember missing school in my first week of work. I mean I hated uni with everything in me so missing it was a red flag. The many long hours at work made me ask: “Is this my life till I die?” it’s one thing to be told, it’s another thing to actually experience something.

    However, in time, I settled into the work routine. I had some good days, bad days, and many meh days. I just wished I had a lirru bit of warning that my chest would be tight.

    Tired man Zikoko Job

    2) If you repeat clothes, most people will not notice:

    Well, except the person crushing on you at work. See, everyone is overwhelmed with their workload to care about what you are wearing. If you wear different shirts, same jeans, you won’t die. It can be relieving to have one less thing to worry about.

    Obama winking Zikoko Job

    3) If you must poop, do it now:

    Everyone loves to take a dump at home in the comfort of privacy but life doesn’t always give you what you want. This is not a Harlequin super romance novel. So, when the option of waiting till you get home is not available, it’s perfectly okay to do number 2 at work. Your shit may even inspire others to start to give a shit.

    toilet roll Zikoko job

    4) Always separate work from self:

    Your oga at work will probably correct you one too many times. This is not like school where these things mean you have failed. Also, it doesn’t mean you will get fired after one constructive feedback. Blow off steam, reflect on feedback, and make corrections where necessary.

    Remember, it’s possible to be successful in your personal life and not be doing well at work. Don’t let one aspect eclipse the other.

    sex education Job ZIkoko

    5) Ole ni everybody:

    From your boss to the colleague who seems cock-sure, we are all trying to fraud our way at looking competent at the job. At the end of the day, we all still struggle with imposter syndrome and doubts.

    The trick, however, is to silence the voice of doubt in your head and keep putting one leg in front of the other. After all, your current role is supposed to prepare you to fraud your way into your next job.

    Don’t break, don’t panic, you are not alone.

    Girls hugging Job Zikoko

  • As important as life insurance policies are, a lot of Nigerians still don’t have one. This is mostly due to the lack of education regarding the subject and the perpetuation of myths and misconceptions about the scheme. The aim of this article is to dispel the myths about life insurance and counter them with cold, hard facts.

    Let’s get into it.

    MYTH 1:

    There are life insurance policies to cover people of all ages. Literally, no one is too young for life insurance. Claiming this is you probably being stingy with money that could work for you later. Which is why you should know that when buying a life insurance policy, the younger the policyholder, the lower the premium.

    MYTH 2:

    Thankfully, life insurance companies understand that not all fingers are equal and made sure it was possible for everyone to cut their coat according to their size (get the policy that’s affordable for them). E.g, low-income earners usually opt for the term life insurance because it has the cheapest monthly premiums.

    MYTH 3:

    Biko shhh. While it is important for the breadwinner – or the person that makes the majority of a household’s income – to have a life insurance policy, there’s also value in getting policies for other family members, even if their contributions aren’t monetary. For example, if a housewife (whose job it was to take care of the home) passes, it just won’t be emotionally difficult for the family she left behind but also financially difficult because they might need to pay someone to take over those duties. At least until they themselves get the hang of it.

    MYTH 4:

    That’s superstitious thinking perpetuated by 51 Iweka Road Onitsha Nollywood movies. We’re 19 years into the 21st century and you can’t be thinking like that. If terrible things wanted to happen to you, they wouldn’t wait till you get life insurance. They’d just go ahead and mess you up. The whole point of life insurance is to have a safety net and be prepared for any terrible things that MIGHT happen.

    MYTH 5:

    Normally, life insurance exists to help those who depend on you after you pass. But, there are situations where the policyholder needs the money way more than their beneficiaries (e.g in case of a critical illness). That’s where the concept of “Living Benefits” comes in. Living Benefits let a policyholder get an earlier payout than usual (while they’re still alive). But for that to happen, it must’ve been included in the policy during initial agreements.

  • Everyday by 12pm for the next 21 days, I’ll be telling you what life is like at NYSC Camp. I was posted to Borno State, but the camp holds in Katsina state due to Boko Haram insurgency in Borno. You can read all the stories in the series here.

    DAY 1.

    6:35 AM

    I wake up in an NYSC lodge in Katsina on the first day of camp. I’m not supposed to be here, that much I can tell. My memory is a bit foggy, but when it all returns, I remember how I got here. It starts with getting my posting on a Friday and seeing that I had been posted to Borno, which means I would be camping in Katsina since Borno is a no-go area. Then packing my things with a twinge of dread and excitement, blocking out all the varied reactions from friends and family on what to expect. And then making the longest trip ever only to end up in the wrong place. 

    After arriving in Katsina, my friends and I picked up bikes to take us to NYSC camp. The bike men heard “NYSC” alone and brought us to the wrong place — this NYSC lodge where corps members who have their primary place of assignment (PPA)  in Katsina stay. 

    Just as the sun is beginning to light the skies, my friends and I head out of the Lodge to continue our journey. 

    Let me tell you about my friends. There’s F who was a course mate. We left Lagos together. Then there’s A, the third party we met during the course of the trip. He studied Pharmacy at Cyprus, and for me this is quite a wonder. A foreign-trained person going to the same NYSC with me? As we head out of the Lodge, he tells me he is going to camp to make money. 

    Me? I came to chop the life of my head.

    10:20 AM

    It takes us four hours to get to camp from the lodge. We first enter a cab driven by a Hausa man. What’s supposed to be a quiet journey becomes a tour of sorts. An Alhaji in the backseat points things out to us even though we don’t ask: 

    “Katsina is farther than Kano.”

    “If you’re coming through Zaria, don’t trust those parts under the bridge that look dry, they actually contain water.” 

    After the cab drops us, we take motorcycles and arrive at the NYSC camp on them. 

    Katsina is cold. Too cold. Alhaji had warned us about this before we got off. 

    At the gate, NSCDC officials accost us. They ask us to open our bags and provide all our documents. They ask us to upend our bags so they can be sure we’re not carrying sharp objects, metal spoons, or other objects they perceive to be harmful. 

    Beside them are confiscated items: spoons, extension boxes, etc. I wonder if they will confiscate condoms too. After all, sex is not allowed on camp. But take your mind out of the gutter, please, I am not carrying condoms. My grandmother packed my bags.

    When they are satisfied, I am asked to write my name in a book and allowed to go in. I wait for my friends who are still being checked. In the meantime, I decide to take photos for this diary. The soldier takes offence.

    “Go inside!” he barks and I’m gone before he can say another word. 

    Look where friendship got me.

    12:00 AM

    Registration: If you’re posted to Borno state, then it’s very likely that you’ll camp at the Peace and Disaster Management Centre, NSCDC, Barbar-Ruga road, Batsari, Katsina. This, to a large extent, is what will happen:

    After the soldiers allow you in, you’ll meet two guys claiming they own a coverage business. They’ll tell you that they will take pictures of everything you do in camp from day 1 to the end, all for N1,000. If they notice a reluctance, they’ll tell you to pay half of the money; you can pay half later. Ignore them. That’s what I did. Because why pay a coverage business to follow you about, are you Kim Kardashian?

    Here’s a picture of the things you can take to camp. Photocopies are essential, so you don’t enrich the hungry pockets of those people at Mammy Market. 

    When you get to the registration point, a soldier will give you two forms to fill. One is for bio data, the other is the oath form. After filling, you take it in to a man who asks for your certificate, call up letter, green card, NYSC ID card. He’ll stamp your call-up letter and direct you to another table. Here, your details are entered into a computer, and a printout is issued to you.

    With this printout, you’re given an office file with a serial number on it. Assuming you are number 197, then you’ll fall under Platoon 7, according to the last digit of your serial number. There are 10 platoons. Now that you’re in Platoon 7, find the spot of Platoon 7 and submit originals of the documents requested: medical and school certificates, call up letter and green card, print out page, bio data and oath form.

    Here, they’ll give you your kits (which will NEVER size you, my dear, forget that NYSC asked you for your size during registration), a handful of booklets (camp rules, etc) and your meal ticket which will serve you throughout your stay. Lose it, and Mammy Market traders will rejoice. A new customer. Relax though, a plate of white rice and meat is N300. Sharon, the sales girl, assures me it’s big meat, but maybe she does not understand big things, sha.

    Before or after you open your bank account, you’ll need to go to the admin block to get your mattress. It’s not a tug of war, but you’ll have to dig deep to find a good one. Most mattresses there are as flat as pancakes. 

    This is quite a process, and with the Harmattan, dust and sun, be prepared to look like an abandoned child by the end of it all.

    But think about it: only you in Borno, no true love holding your hands, patting your back and saying “It’s gon’ be fine, love.” Are you not abandoned?

    4:00PM

    PARADE! This is shaping up to be my scariest moment on camp. One minute, I am looking peng, selfie-ing, and the next moment a soldier is yelling, “Double up!” and coming to our hostel with a kondo. Mans had to flee to the camp ground.

    6:00 PM

    Lowkey, there’s a little bit of ignoramus in everybody: After the soldiers explain what to do and dish out instructions (raise your left leg! Shout hurray! Don’t touch your cap! Stop saying Catch), many people still do the wrong thing. It becomes so bad, a guy is called out and told to keep shouting “Hurray.” 

    Fainting/falling down/collapsing is a sure way to escape marching: Now this requires tact to pull off, so you don’t jeopardize yourself. In the heat of the instructions, my dear, just give up like you are giving up on Nigeria. Drop. If you can fall on the person next to you, do it. If your wig can fall, do it. 

    Like that like that, you’ll be taken to Red Cross, pampered, like the queen/king that you are. Hold on a sec, in your fainting, don’t invalidate the true fainting of people who are truly weak and can’t cope. A friend who I met during registration fell down twice. A girl in my platoon fell down too. Another one gave up the struggle and went to beg soldiers. I considered fainting too, but before I could finish plotting/planning the logistics, the parade was dismissed.

    Well, there’s always another day.

  • Some people might think that being single is torture but for you, it is a freedom movement you are really patriotic to; you love your single life so much, you’d do anything to maintain it–even if you have to lie that you are boo’ed up just to field off the many proposals that come your way.

    Here are 10 things you’ll relate to if you’re living the single life and loving it:

    1) You’re totally indifferent to every boy-girl problem your friends have.

    2) Strangely enough, you give the best relationship advice.

    3) You eat what you want to eat, how you want to eat it, whenever you want to eat.

    4) You dress to impress–YOURSELF. If you’re not comfortable wearing it, you don’t.

    5) You don’t have to give explanations about where you go to or who you speak with.

    6) You know you don’t have to report to anybody about your daily happenings.

    7) You are free to have crushes on anybody without getting peppered with questions and dealing with someone’s mood swings.

    8) You don’t have to wait up at odd hours for a call. Because sleep is your best friend.

    9) It’s bothersome to think of dating or getting into a relationship with someone.

    10) You wonder if there are people who don’t like being single

    Because it’s the best life for you.

  • Leaving home for university can be fun until you get hit with the realization that you are really alone, even when you are actually never alone. Then it dawns on you that the stress of getting an education might not be worth it, particularly when you consider the adulting that it requires which includes, COOKING YOUR OWN MEAL.

    If you are the kind of person who would rather starve than go into the kitchen to cook at all–aren’t we all though? Then your lazy bones will totally relate to these food items that have been making life easy for students since, forever!

    1) Garri:

    This just had to top the list, I considered making it last but nah. Garri is bae and it goes with anything, well almost anything. You can eat it (dry), drink it, make eba with it and fry it–if you’re adventurous enough.

    2) Indomie:

    I know its proper name is noodles; the Japanese call it ramen but Nigerians just call it Indomie, for some reason every noodles is Indomie and we can’t stop calling it that. And this food item is a no brainer and a fave because it is fast to cook.

    It can be eaten raw, YASS. It can be cooked in different ways, with different condiments but if suffer head is catching you, just put it into hot water, and eat it like that when it’s cooked.

    3) Beans:

    Ha, this is the king of all. It is sweet and nutritious. It is usually cooked when there is no money because that’s the only reason someone will wait for five hours for it to get cooked o!

    If the allowee situation is really dire, consider adding a drum of water in it, it will be sure to last you a while that way. No worries of eating too much of it though, it regulates itself–or you, more like.

    4) Bread:

    This is sometimes a luxury food item in school but it remains essential. Bread combos are always nice; bread and tea, bread and akara, bread and beans, bread and butter, bread and fish, bread and groundnut, bread and water or bread and coke–some people actually pour the bread into the coke.

    Bread is really great when you are on a tight budget, it seems to rise in your stomach, keeping you sustained all day long.

    5) Rice:

    Because, who is a Nigerian without rice? White rice, fried rice, jollof rice, concoction rice, improptu rice, atagungun rice–all join to sustain your diet.

    Which of these is your favourite?