Are you a wicked person, a kind person or in between? Take this quiz to find out:
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As any Nigerian who grew in the Nigerian school system knows, there were certain novels we were made to read in literature class. Some of them were clearly written for kids while others were adult books we had to read anyway. I always assumed these books were picked just because they had lessons to teach or whatever, but I recently realized that it was much more than that.
The authors of these books seemingly aimed to teach lessons in the most horrifying ways possible. Some of them went so ham that the messages got lost in the horror. Here are a couple of offenders:
1) Ralia the Sugar Girl
Ralia is a happy-go-lucky village girl who everyone loves because she’s so…happy-go-lucky. At some point, she wanders into a forest and gets lost. While there, she runs into so much weird and scary shit. The worst of the weird shit is an evil topless witch with sausage boobs who threatens to dig out Ralia’s eyes and suck her blood, just because she trespassed on the witch’s property.
Ralia eventually finds her way home and the book ends. But I’ve always thought of writing a sequel, set three years after the events of the first book, where Ralia is in an asylum because she had a mental breakdown and murdered her entire family. The epilogue would see Ralia get a visit from a mysterious woman offering to get her out in exchange for her joining a secret organization.
The mysterious woman is Alice.
Alice from Wonderland.
2) A Mother’s Choice
Mother’s Choice is about a boy named Ade. Ade has just graduated from primary school and his mother insists (despite her husband’s concerns) that Ade go to secondary school in the UK. As a weird form of foreshadowing, Ade’s father tells his wife that whatever happens to their son during his time overseas will be her fault. She agrees and lives to regret it because Ade goes to England, becomes an alcoholic, gets hooked on drugs, engages in orgies with prostitutes, gets arrested, and ends up in a psychiatric hospital. So much shit happens that by the end, you’re left wondering what lesson you were supposed to learn.
3) A Chained Tomb
The narrative of A Chained Tomb spans a couple of decades in the lives of a couple of people (most of them relatives) living separate lives in the same town. The main character is a boy named Uze, and he is the absolute worst kind of offspring. He joins a gang, steals, beats his mother to death in a violent rage, etc.
By the end, Uze in prison for murder.. A friend of his named Jade comes to visit him. The warden informs Jade that Uze died two days prior. After asking to see where Uze’s grave, the warden takes her to a patch of land behind the building that serves as a burial ground for deceased prisoners with no family on the outside. Uze’s grave has an unmarked tombstone with a chain around it. Seeing the confusion on her face, the warden lets Jade know that chains are put around the tombstones of prisoners who died without finishing their sentences, to KEEP THEIR SOULS BOUND UNTIL THE END OF THEIR SENTENCE.
And that’s how the book ends.
TF?!
4) The Gods Are Not To Blame
You know what? I don’t think 12-year-olds need to be reading the Yoruba version of Oedipus Rex. I mean, the story’s themes of how free will is a myth, and fate is inescapable are awesome. But this story also contains patricide, incest, suicide, and self-mutilation.
Your kids don’t need this.
Damn.
RECOMMENDED READING: 5 Nigerian Novels That Deserve Movie Adaptations
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This is based on a true life story…or not.
1) How you party:
At 21: Like a beast.
At 25: With small restraint and paracetamol the next morning.
At 30: On your bed because Jesus didn’t die for this.
2) How you communicate:
At 21: BBM.
At 25: Twitter and Whatsapp.
At 30: Email only.
3) What you talk about:
At 21: Parties and after University.
At 25: Career and plans ft. will I ever blow?
At 30: Midlife crisis.
4) What you argue about:
At 21: Ronaldo vs Messi.
At 25: Which investment option is better?
At 30: You don’t even argue.
5) What you drink:
At 21: Absolut Vodka.
At 25: Wine.
At 30: Tea please. No sugar.
6) Plans for the weekend:
At 21: Owambe.
At 25: Catch up on work from during the week.
At 30: Sleep or maybe go on double dates with other couples.
7) Number of close friends:
At 21: Everyone is your guy.
At 25: Maybe a few people from Uni.
At 30: Your dog, Bruno.
8) Attitude towards crying:
At 21: Hard guy, hard guy.
At 25: Once in a while. When life shakes you.
At 30: Every Saturday by 8 pm sharp because this life get as e be.
9) Source of happines:
At 21: Grades in school.
At 25: Career development.
At 30: Every day you wake up, you choose to be happy because this life is a pot of beans.
10) Bedtime:
At 21: Never.
At 25: 1:30 am.
At 30: 9:15 pm sharp or 10 pm if there’s a public holiday the next day.
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This is a post about all the soft lies we were sold as kids and have come to realize as adults. Ranging from career advice to relationships, to even what it means to be an adult.
Let’s get into it:
1) Karma is real.
Nollywood really played a fast one on us because we grew up believing that bad things happen to bad people. So why are our politicians laughing at us?
2) We are the leaders of tomorrow.
Lol. A large majority of young people can’t even get decent jobs. And the ones that do get jobs realize that they have to jaapa.
3) Get married at 25, have a family, a job…
C-L-O-W-N.
4) After passing Jamb, you can rest.
I haven’t rested for a day since I entered Uni.
5) And they lived happily ever after.
Why didn’t anyone even give us the slightest hint about the hard work of both romantic relationships and friendships? Eez too hard. Cinderella come outside, I want to fight.
6) Salary is the bribe you get to forget your dreams.
They really tried it. They sold us aspire to perspire tea.
7) As an adult, no one can tell you what to do.
Okay oh.
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Creative/kriːˈeɪtɪv/adjective.
- relating to or involving the use of the imagination or original ideas to create something.
nounINFORMAL
- a person whose job involves creative work.
Creative is a broad term that covers a wide variety of things. Basically, anyone who brings an original idea to live, regardless of medium, qualifies as a creative.
I gathered a bunch of people who qualify under this category and they shared the hardest part of their process with me.
Kay/Writer.
“The term creative doesn’t always sit well with me…I am not sure why. I think the hardest part is getting through those moments where the work swings from being fun to being hard. And it’s a very fickle thing…constantly moving. I can start out writing a piece and it’s really flowing and something takes away my attention and I lose that flow. It’s hard getting back to it.
Two things: it’s either I continue and trudge on till the end, or I go away and close my laptop. But if it’s something that has to do with a deadline, we die there. If it’s not something that has a deadline, I wait for the flow to come back -That could take weeks or months.”
Isokorevieno/Artist.
“For me, it’s improving and using social media at the same time. I’m particular about growth in my work. Almost obsessed with it. I am in the process of learning that I can’t constantly create shareable works for social media. So, sometimes I go off, and I notice a drop in followers. I can’t pretend that it doesn’t get to me. So, there’s the battle of whether to create “content” for social media and grow my following or focus on my personal growth, which I believe is more important for the industry I want to get into. Long term, I guess the two will eventually intertwine.”
RhymeMarvel/Rapper.
“Damn. Honestly, it’s just the constant self-doubt…you know how good your art is but you don’t know if you’ll ever get the recognition and by extension, the royalties you deserve. Music is just saturated. Some people with less talent do well so it’s somehow.
But we keep the faith and keep working sha. I am making music for me first because the creative zone is heaven on earth. We’ll see when I package a project and put it out there if I get my validation.”
Daltimore/Fashion designer.
“Omo, the hardest part is not having funds to create the idea as much as I would like to. Also, not being able to market what I create because I am not a popular name yet. I think another hard part for me is the business of it.
I hate business and marketing.
I just want to create and not worry about profit.”
Pelumi/Photographer.
“I think the hardest part has to be getting my work out there. Reaching a wide audience. So, I am trying all form of social media and hoping for a break.”
Boyin/ Resident scammer.
“The hardest part is actually doing the work. I’ll procrastinate 7 million times before I actually start doing what I need to do. When I have work to do is when Twitter becomes interesting. Then this book I haven’t read in 17 years becomes a must-read. Doing that work is my own issue.”
Uzor/Conceptual Photographer.
I swear the creative journey is like a prison. I work on images for weeks in my head with so many doubts. I feel like a prisoner inside my own body.
For me and my work, the hardest part will be worries of execution. That a piece may not fit the pre-conceived vision in my head. In a nutshell, what I shoot on ground may not match what I imagined.”
Kunmi/Blogger.
“I don’t know if I feel like I’m a ‘creative’. Lately, with writing, it has been more of finding a balance with sharing but also keeping certain things to myself. And not being a fraud.
With blogging it feels like you are sharing the happenings in your life with people that didn’t ask you. Sometimes, I wonder if I might overshare.
Then the fraud part is me actually doing the things I write and read about. Not just posting it.”
Daniel/ Content god.
“Finding inspiration is the hardest part. When I get an idea, I’m able to run with it pretty quickly. But getting that idea can be a real hassle. Especially when I’m feeling burnt out.”
Fu’ad/30+ gang.
“Work-life balance is a lie. Creativity is largely an interpretation of how we process, understand, and share our world with people.
What that means is that, when the core of your existence in the labour force revolves around your creativity, you’re always working because you’re always interacting with the world and saying, oh shit, that’d look nice in a sentence. Oh shit, I should take a photo. Oh wow, I wonder what it’d look like if I made the thing you just said into an interactive website.
A stock trader goes home on Friday and comes back on Monday. A creative goes home to look for their muse.”
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I know what you are thinking but hear me out. Open your mind. Science has shown that if your dog does any of the things on this list, it is introverted.
1) It doesn’t bark when it sees Miss Rona.
2) It doesn’t bark when thieves visit your house.
3) Your landlord walked all the way to your flat to ask for rent and bingo didn’t bark?
4) Nepa cut your wire and still no bark?
5) Your dog has never barked at “ghosts” before?
6) Your neighbour from you know what state feeds it regularly and it doesn’t bark.
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I think the quote “money answereth all things” should come with a caveat that says it is Geo specific. For example, money can answer like only 30 things on your list in Nigeria while in Canada, it can answer 60. That way, our disappointment with many things will be reduced.
As a Nigerian living in Nigeria, good luck with money answering some of the things on this list:
1) Good roads.
Good luck with that.
2) Constant electricity.
Rainy season left the chat.
3) Efficient tailors.
Jesus: One of you will betray me today.
Tailor: Is it me Jesus?
Jesus: iS iT mE jEsUs? Yen yen.
4) Emotionally intelligent leaders.
I tried to type this without crying. Did it work?
5) Honest banks that won’t remove card maintenance fee for doing nothing.
If I speak about one bank like this, I will be in big trouble.
6) A 9 – 5 that is actually 9 – 5.
Lmaoooooooooooo.
7) Courteous and helpful Civil servants.
This is an oxymoron.
8) Nigerian parents that aren’t constantly asking “when will you marry?”
God, please.
9) Toasters that don’t send messages with “may I know you?”/ tell me about yourself.”
I don suffer.
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1) Direction.
What am I doing with my life? Where is my life going?
2) Work-life balance.
Good luck with that.
3) Canadian P.R.
When shall I see my home?
4) Your own apartment.
If not for Corona, will my parents see me to be gisting with them?
5) Love of your life.
Let’s try again in 2021.
6) A better job.
It is well.
7) Masters admission.
After Unilag delayed transcript, Rona now added its own.
8) Your own car.
God, am I not your child?
9) Your shit together.
God, when?
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Everyone knows someone who has been cheated on or someone who cheated. It’s almost the theme of many adult conversations. Let he who is without cheat or almost cheat cast a stone.
7 people shared how they found out that their partner was cheating on them.
Inside life.
I didn’t catch her. I just saw that someone else proposed to her and she said “yes.” I wan mad. The worst part was that my guys consoled me for only two days before they turned it to banter. Smh.
Mahn.
Her tab got spoilt so she gave it to me for repairs. I had to confirm that it was working after fixing it. So, I unlocked it to confirm. We had been dating for six years and we had a no “checking of phone” policy. I was curious so I went through her messages. The first thing I saw was “bring 4 condoms, I don’t want a repeat of the last time.” Bro, my heart cut. This is someone that said our relationship should be celibate. And for good six years, we only kissed. I felt taken on a ride.
What?
It was his birthday party and he told me to stay in the room. He said that his friends were checking me out too much and he didn’t like that. So, I had to stay out of sight. So, here I was in the room feeling flattered that I made my boyfriend jealous. That’s how some babe stormed into the room and started insulting me. Asking me to leave her boyfriend alone. That I am a husband snatcher. Gold digger. I was so confused.
It turns out that my “boyfriend” told her that I was a crazy stalker that wouldn’t leave him alone. And all his friends who I thought were my guys were in on the lie. Someone told her that I was at the party, so she came to tell me to leave her man alone.
After hearing that, I just packed my bag and left with the little dignity I had remaining. I cried from the party to my hostel.
Below the belt.
I beat my “guy” at FIFA and I was trolling him. Just light banter. That’s how he said that he is sleeping with my girlfriend and that’s the only win that really matters. I told him to take it back because I was ready to rush him.
Baba showed me sexts and I became calm immediately. Something actually died in me that day.
When I look back, he really won. I paid too much of a price for winning a stupid game.
Na wa oh.
She “mistakenly” sent me photos of them kissing. She now said, “oops, I guess the cat is out of the bag.” I blocked her life.
Tiki taka.
He told her I was his best friend. He told me she was his best friend. All of us worked in the same office and we even hung out together. We sha broke up because of religion. The babe and I still kept in touch because she’s really cool. We eventually became close friends.
One day, the babe texted me that she’s sorry blah blah, and started to confess. I was like huh? And she was like that she knew we were dating but still indulged him and whatnot. She said that since we had become good friends, it was only fair that she told me. Her conscience could not take it. I actually wished she had died of guilty conscience instead of telling me.
I called the boy to confront him and he said: “Did I catch him?” I was just weak.
Damn.
I was staying at his place for the weekend. I went to the store inside the compound to get provisions. I got talking with the shop owner. I told her I was spending the weekend with my boyfriend and she asked me to describe him. I did. She then blurted “Hmmm, the aunty wey him dey call him girlfriend yellow pass you.” I assured her that she was mistaken and thanked her.
A few weeks later, I surprised my boyfriend at home. Na so I jam Aunty yellow feeling all cozy on his legs. I felt so stupid. I just left quietly because surprise backfired on me.
The store owner kept giving me I told you so eye as I was leaving. Very annoying woman.
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Schadenfreude – pleasure derived by someone from another person’s misfortune.
Every human being is guilty of this. Even you. And that’s why you are here. That’s why I also found this funny. Since that’s out of the way, we can start.
Anyway, I was scrolling through Twitter when I saw this tweet:
I just knew it was going to be lit. So, I peeped into the comments section and trust me, I was not let down. I like you guys and I don’t want you to scroll. So, I compiled the funny, the scary, and the ones that left me speechless.
Before we start, play this song in your head while reading each tweet.
And Action!
1) Play Pall bearers music pls.
2) Ah.
3) Nigerian parents have no chill.
4) Surprised she’s still alive.
5) I prefer not to speak.
6) Dyingg.
7) What?
8) Tired of internet people.
9) I am experiencing second hand anger.
10) I laughed. I am sorry.
11) The Government needs to ban children.
12) I fear you people.
13) Oh dear.
14) ….