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  • Be born somewhere else

    It’s common knowledge that if you’re born in Nigeria, life is already leading you 1 – 0. So if you somehow get to travel back in time, it’s best to just change your nationality so you don’t have to deal with all this stress to start with.

    Or japa when it was still cheap

    You always think “It can’t get worse than this”, until Nigeria shocks you. We’re sure there’s nobody who won’t take a chance to japa in 2012, right before this advanced level of pepper started.

    Dash Lord Lugard small malaria

    We’re not saying he should die o, but he should just have small malaria that’ll make him too weak to bother about forcefully amalgamating Nigeria.

    Stop Meffy from becoming CBN Governor

    We’d go back to the time he first got into the race for CBN governor and flog all the stupid policy ideas out of his head.

    Buy many bags of rice and keep

    Show us one asset that has multiplied in value more than rice has in the past few years. We’ll wait.

    Buy bitcoin in 2009

    Who needs a dinner with Jay Z when you can travel back to 2009 and buy like 2,000 bitcoins for less than $1. Then you come back to 2023 and retire to your village forever.

    Buy dollars before it crashed

    We’d be ballers by now, rolling in money that’s been rendered worthless by inflation, but ballers nonetheless.

    Not study Philosophy

    The country is already making you think about your life, so why would you play yourself by studying a course that’ll only make you think more? We’re sure the people who studied this course are going back to undo their mistake the first chance they get.

    Use their law school fees to fund their dreams

    Instead of going to law school to study to practice law in a lawless country, we’re sure some people will either eat their tuition, or use it to fund their dreams, in the hopes of becoming the next Falz.

    What do you think of our website’s new look? It’ll only take a minute to fill this form and let us know.

  • Find a getaway partner

    You need someone to bring along who’ll remind you about all the stress you ran away from. That way, you won’t be eager to come back. You’re here for soft life only.

    Clear your schedule

    If you check your schedule well, it’s screaming stress. Drop some things off so you can see clearly and plan a proper getaway.

    Quit your job

    If your schedule can’t be cleared, your employer is most likely to blame. You need to call and tell them, “E go be”. Kill your employment before it kills you.

    Go on Instagram one last time

    If you need motivation for your getaway, go on social media and see how everyone on your timeline is travelling and living their best life. That should give you enough morale to take yours seriously.

    Then get off social media

    Now that you’re motivated, get off social media and face the getaway squarely. Your weekend is about to be soft. Don’t let Twitter gist ruin it for you.

    Find a hotel to stay

    You need a soft place to stay. Somewhere that makes it easy for you to forget everything you’re running away from. And we hear Aura by Transcorp Hotels is the right platform for this. The upgraded bookings platform makes it easy for you to book hotels, homes and experiences, and soon make flexible payments.  

    Book a flight

    You can’t start the special weekend caught up in traffic. It’s off-brand for the kind of softness you need. Book a flight instead so you can move from comfort to even more comfort. 

  • Are you chasing enjoyment in your soft girl era or running from reality in your delusional girl era? Find out here.

  • You’ve probably heard the saying, “God only gives you time and place. The rest is in your hands”. If you meet your future partner in any of these seven places, just know it’s a sign your relationship will be sweet.

    ATM booth

    What better place to meet your future partner than at an ATM queue? Falling in love over money is basically good vibes for your love life.

    Filling station

    This is how you know your partner has the hustling spirit everyone needs to survive. They’ll do all the struggling while you settle into that soft life.

    Police station

    Your partner will at least try to fight for your right when anything happens in life. Whether or not they’ll be able to get you justice is another issue entirely.

    Owambe

    You can tell right off the bat that they love enjoyment, and your relationship will be filled with fun. They might still show you pepper, but you’ll sha enjoy.

    Airport

    You need to start hanging around airports, and be on the lookout for people with blue passports. What’s better than a love that can take you to greener pastures?

    The beach

    You’ll only find the soft and peaceful type who won’t stress your life.   

    Someone’s marital home

    Who says the love of your life can’t be another person’s partner? Don’t let something as silly as marriage stop you from finding love.

    NEXT READ: 13 Places to Meet a Rich Bobo in Lagos

    Brought to you by LOVE LIFE

  • 2022 has been something between a horror movie and a comedy. We haven’t seen anything like it before. But just in case you’ve forgotten, here are some of the unreal things that happened this year.

    ASUU went on strike, again

    Everybody, including the government and their minions, thought they were kidding since they just ended a strike in December 2020. But ASUU said, “Hold my beer”.

    Narrator: And so they kept holding for ten solid months.

    The government banned ponmo

    We know it has next to no nutrients, but did they really have to do this? Ponmo has been there for us in this economy. It hasn’t commited any offense.

    Ooni of Ife took many wives

    The Ooni read the biblical story of King Solomon for the first time and said, “Is this your king?” He then married six wives in two months. We stan a true family man.

    They applied Snapchat filters to our beloved naira notes

    When this year started, did you ever think you’d see Ahmadu Bello’s face behind a vignette filter? Well, there’s nothing the CBN cannot do. 

    Somebody’s daddy went naked to pray for City Boy

    Upon all the shege we were shown this year, we didn’t think we’ll close out seeing someone’s daddy strip naked to pray for Tinubu, the city boy, traumatising us and the marine spirits in the process.

    The dollar hit ₦800

    Even after our friendly interview with the dollar, it went on a rampage and showed us it’s actually too sexy for Nigerians to afford. The betrayal!

    Asake charged us ₦70k for a concert

    We definitely want to meet Asake’s dealer in 2023 because this thing is getting out of hand. Ololade Mr Money decided to take his name too seriously, and yes, we’ll still pay, but that’s not the point. The audacity is loud.

    NEXT READ: 7 Accessible Places to Find Love Before 2022 Ends

  • Is adulthood going through you, or are you handling it like a pro?

    Select all the things you can relate to:

    QUIZ: How Good Are You At Adulting?

  • Is your life God abeg or are you flourishing and unbothered?

    QUIZ: What’s the Colour of Your Problem?

  • Dear Nigerian Parents,

    I want to tell you an unfamiliar story. One that may seem foreign to the rhetoric you’ve pushed onto us for ages. It’s a story of imperfection, the never-ending struggle we were raised into, the constant reminder that we need to break free from the belief that it’s our duty to rise above it all and “succeed”. We even coined a name for this process, “hustle”. We adore it, worship it, and it defines every day of our lives. And if we don’t play this game and pass, we’ve failed. 

    Well, here’s a radical idea. Maybe it’s okay to fail. Because you’ve failed too. 

    You failed to see the flaw in making us live this way in the first place. In making us believe our worth was only in the things we were able to achieve, that our grades are all that matter, and that our value is conditional. We don’t hate you, but it’s not fair. Especially when you must have failed at some point in your life too. But you’re here.

    That carryover is not what’s going to end my life. Getting a C instead of an A is not the end of the world. I need you to see that I try. I hope you know not everyone can get an A. The fact that I failed once in school doesn’t mean I always will. It also doesn’t mean I’ll fail at life. But above all, I hope you know that even if I do, I’ll try again. Because it’s okay to fail.

    And I’m not alone in this, The educational system itself has failed me. Locking me out of an education for eight months. The country itself has failed, putting its citizens into worse living conditions year after year. We’ve all failed in some way. But we’re still here. The mere truth of that means we have the chance to make it better, as long as we keep trying.

    In all, I hope you don’t fail to get the message of this story, that it’s okay to fail.  As long as I don’t stay on the ground.

    I’ll keep trying my hardest.

    💌, 

    Nigerian Students

  • You are the Main Character, but who’s the villain in your life? Is it your job or your coconut head? This quiz will tell you.

  • We’re not saying sleeping is wrong, we just think it’s a waste of precious time, so we’ve compiled a list of very fun things you can try instead.

    Eat

    While others sleep, you can stay up trying different food combos because there’s literally no one to judge you, and some foods are best enjoyed cold and in the middle of the night. For instance, eba and ogbono soup. 

    Pro-tip: If you don’t have soup, you can try ketchup

    RELATED: These 7 Foods Always Taste Better at 2 am

    Booty calls

    We know we don’t need to explain that there’ll be no sleeping involved here.

    It’s even better when it’s someone else’s babe.

    DM someone’s babe 

    Prove to her that she deserves a lover that would be with her through the darkest hours. Yes, that saying literally means midnight.

    Come back with testimony when they open the relationship for you.

    RELATED: Pros and Cons of Dating Somebody’s Boyfriend

    Practice your dance moves for when your enemies fail

    Anything worth doing is worth doing well. So if you want to dance to victory, you might as well get good at it.

    RELATED: 17 Dance Moves We All Secretly Practised In Front Of The Mirror  

    Find the nearest coven and join

    You can’t tell us you’ve never thought about this. Who knows, you might get appointed Evil Supreme Leader of the underworld, and that’s a big flex.  

    Tweet “TL asleep?” and start dragging people online

    You want to waste time sleeping when you could be giving unsolicited takes on issues you have absolutely no idea or experience of? Make it make sense, please.

    Go for a run

    We see this all the time in Hollywood movies, so why not? Just watch your back because we both know Nigeria is not the safest place at the moment.

    Take Zikoko quizzes

    How can you sleep without knowing what type of pepper you are? Or what you’ll be in your next life? Or even what political office you should hold?

    Start a fight in your relationship

    No one will accuse you of not trying to spice up the relationship. I mean, what’s better than being awake at night? Being awake with the love of your life. 

    Apply for International jobs

    You want to earn in dollars but you’re sleeping when your future employer is awake? 

    My friend, better turn on your LinkedIn job alert and get serious with your future. It might not seem like fun now, but when you start seeing all that dollar in your account, it’s definitely going to be.

    ALSO READ: Five Insane Things That Could Happen While You Sleep