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  • Don’t be an Arsenal fan

    You’re an Arsenal fan, and you want to argue about football? Are you not embarrassed? 

    Ignore the facts

    You’re here to win, not to raise a superior argument. Let your opponents focus on facts while you hatch your main plan. 

    Always take the opposing opinion

    What’s your main plan, you ask? Divide and conquer. No matter how obvious the correct stance is, always be on the opposite side. If they’re arguing whether Nigeria can beat Brazil, support Nigeria. If they’re arguing about who will win the next Champions League, shout “Chelsea” or “Arsenal”. Just say any wildly impossible thing to rile them up.

    Laugh at the other person’s argument

    Mock them for using logic. Yes, they deserve it.

    Yell… a lot

    It’s not a proper argument if you don’t talk at the top of your voice, even though you’re just a few inches away from kissing them.

    Have mouth odour

    No one with mouth odour has ever lost an argument. You can quote us anywhere.

    Go with a gun

    We’re not saying you should threaten them with violence, but strike the fear of God in their hearts.

    Show them a picture of Messi with the world cup

    If it’s another tired argument about who the GOAT is, show them a picture of Messi holding the world cup.

    Annoy them and shout “Siuuu!”

    When you’re done, rub the pain in by shouting “Siuu!” and doing the Ronaldo celebration. There you have it; mission accomplished.

    NEXT READ: 7 Things You’ll Relate To If You Don’t Understand Football

  • With an illustrious football career spanning 24 years, 41-year-old Zlatan Ibrahimovic has announced that he’ll retire after completing this season with AC Milan.

    Source: Sky News

    He is talented on the pitch, but it’s his unapologetic arrogance confidence that’s made him a media magnet.

    Join us as we reminisce with a compilation of his most memorable quotes.

    “One thing is for sure, a World Cup without me is nothing to watch”

    – When his country, Sweden, was knocked out of the play-offs for the 2014 WorldCup.

    “What do you mean, present? She got Zlatan.”

    – When asked what he’d get his girlfriend for her engagement gift.

    And there was this famous exchange with a reporter ahead of the 2014 World Cup qualifying playoffs:

    Zlatan: “Only God knows who will go through.”

    Reporter: “It’s hard to ask him.”

    Zlatan: “You’re talking to him.”

    “We’re looking for an apartment. If we don’t find anything, then I’ll probably just buy a hotel.”

    – When he moved to Paris, where finding a new home was difficult.

    Craziest Zlatan Ibrahimovic Quotes

    Arsene Wenger asked me to have a trial with Arsenal when I was 17. I turned him down. Zlatan doesn’t do auditions.”

    – Zlatan said this in an interview when quizzed about interests from big clubs during the early years of his career.

    Craziest Zlatan Ibrahimovic Quotes

    “Lions. They don’t compare themselves with humans.”

    – When asked if he thought the other strikers in the league were better than him.

    Craziest Zlatan Ibrahimovic Quotes

    “It’s true I don’t know that much about Ligue 1, but Ligue 1 knows who I am.”

    – On his move to PSG in 2012.

    Craziest Zlatan Ibrahimovic Quotes

    “I haven’t met her yet. But when I do, I’ll date her.”

    – His response when asked to name the world’s most beautiful woman.

    Craziest Zlatan Ibrahimovic Quotes

    “I won’t be the King of Manchester. I will be the God of Manchester.”

    – His response to Eric Cantona’s comments that he would be the “prince of Manchester”.

    Craziest Zlatan Ibrahimovic Quotes

    “I can’t help but laugh at how perfect I am.”

    – Zlatan bragging about his ability upon joining Manchester United in 2016.

    Craziest Zlatan Ibrahimovic Quotes

    “I think I’m like wine. The older I get, the better I get.”

    – Zlatan referencing his age when asked about his good start to the season after joining Manchester United in 2016. He was 34 at the time.

    Craziest Zlatan Ibrahimovic Quotes

    “I didn’t injure you on purpose, and you know that. If you accuse me again, I’ll break both your legs, and that time it will be on purpose.”

    – He didn’t appreciate Rafael van der Vaart’s accusation that he purposely injured him during a match between Sweden (Zlatan’s team) and Netherlands (Rafael’s team) in 2004. 

  • Men and football are like five and six. As the season draws to a close and the major football leagues go on break, we look forward to the rest of the games on the calendar.

    On the 10th of June, the 2022/2023 UEFA Champions League Final goes down in Istanbul. In anticipation of the faceoff between Manchester City and Inter Milan, here are the best ways to enjoy the showdown.

    Take a loan to watch the game live in Istanbul

    Are you a true fan of the game if you’ve not watched a major team play live? We know Nigeria’s economy isn’t smiling right now, but you might have a reason when you book a ticket to Istanbul. Approach your LAPO Microfinance Bank or Palmpay for loans to fund your passion for football today. You’ll also get to watch Burna Boy perform live at the UEFA final opening ceremony, and a chance to sight-see the city.

    Enter your local viewing centre

    Why stay in the comfort of your home and miss the football shenanigans, premium banter and insults that’ll fly in a viewing centre? Yes, everywhere will be full and tight. Heat will choke. Someone’s head won’t let you see half of the TV screen, but that’s part of what makes it fun.

    Get to the viewing centre before everyone else

    Make sure you sit directly in front of the TV. If it doesn’t feel like you can almost touch the players, why are you in the viewing centre?

    Sit close to rival team fans

    If not, who’ll you troll and ask why his team is playing so woefully?

    Stay happy and be merry

    Find others with common agenda at your local viewing centre and turn the UEFA final into a ceremony. Eat some food and drink the tears of your rivals to step down.

    If you’re watching at home, get a cheerleader

    You might not enjoy the game, but the loss might be bearable if the LOYL will rub your head and tell you sorry. Single-pringles, stay in the viewing centre with your guys. Sorry to you.

    Better pray

    This is football and anything can’t happen. If you’ve made mouth or bets or you’ve expectations, better pray to God the team wins, else they might shame you. An easier way is to command the rival team to lose.

  • There’s a common belief that all Nigerian men do is drink, smoke and womanise. We’re not sure how this became such a widely-held concept, but with the way Yoruba men move, we understand. 

    However, there’s more to them than booze and women, so we made a list of other things Nigerian men hold dear.

    Football

    Okay, this one’s a little obvious, but did you know this game has saved lives and relationships? Thanks to football, girlfriends now have nothing to worry about because they’re sure only UEFA games keep us late outside.

    Zikoko Memes

    Visiting friends

    Haven’t you heard that a man’s friend’s home is a home away from home? 

    Zikoko Memes

    Board games

    Nothing beats the banter Nigerian men throw while playing chess or ludo. And in case you don’t know, we learn to strategise by playing ayo.

    Vigorous fitness 

    It’s more than just lifting iron and staying fit; it’s a lifestyle. Going to the gym is actually very addictive.

    Zikoko Memes

    RELATED: How to Not Get a 6 Pack, According to a Gym Bro Who’s Tried It All

    Betting

    If we love football, why can’t we make money from it? Who doesn’t want to become a millionaire overnight?

    Nigerian men hold dear
    Zikoko Memes

    Driving

    Sightseeing, clearing the head, discovering new areas or just driving like we’re a character in Fast X. We love it all.

    Nigerian men hold dear
    Zikoko Memes

    Infinite scrolling through social media

    Some of us live for scrolling endlessly on Instagram and Twitter, we live for monthly dumps and banter.

    Zikoko Memes

    Have you heard Zikoko HERtitude 2023 — the hottest women-only party — is happening at Ikoyi on May 27? Get your ticket here.

  • Another die-hard football partner

    If you’re sure you don’t want the stress of them having to choose between you and football all the time, get them another partner who’s a die-hard football fan so they can stop stressing you out, and everybody wins. But if you can’t deal with your boo having another boo, keep on reading.

    Original football jersey

    Original football jerseys are so hard to find, so getting them one would really blow their mind and make them see that you’ll do anything for them to be happy.

    A plot of land

    Since they love football so much, buy them a plot of land to use a football field, so they can start their own local football club. Who knows, maybe they’ll build the next Man Utd

    Ticket to watch a live game

    If all the support they’ve shown for their favourite team has only been over the TV, why not buy them actual tickets to a live game so they can watch their faves in action?

    A shoutout from their favourite footballer

    If Odumodu could do it with Declan Rice, you can do it too. All you have to do is get into a studio somewhere and record a song titled Lionel Messi, then sit back and watch everything unfold.

    PS5

    Yes, you’ve heard it too many times on the internet but we’ll say it again. Buy your partner a PS5 and the latest FIFA edition along with it. If they don’t shed tears of affection for you, come and fight us.

    A trip to watch the premier league

    Watching a live game is cute, but have you tried flying your partner all the way out to watch the entire premier league? Just try it and see how they break down in appreciation. It’s the little things that matter.

    DStv subscription

    Or better yet, you can pay for their DStv subscription so that when the Premier League comes back, they’ll be ready to watch it. And it won’t even cost you much because when you pay for a particular package, DStv upgrades you to the next highest package, as part of their DStv Step Up offer. Don’t say we didn’t do anything for you.

  • After the semi-finals yesterday, nobody’s angrier than die-hard Ronaldo fans right now. If you want to make their day even worse, just do one of these things.

    Wear an Argentina jersey, and shout “siuuu!”

    Just walk in front of them in an Argentina jersey, and do Ronaldo’s signature celebration. You need to rub in the pain.

    Show them this picture of Messi

    It scattered football twitter a month ago because it’s basically two GOATs in one shot. But now, the story has changed.

    Remind them that Messi has seven Balon d’Ors

    If you’re in a GOAT debate with any Ronaldo fan, just know they’d ask you to bring facts. When they do, show them this picture.

    Say the words “World Cup final”

    Nothing can trigger them more than the fact that their fave will never lift that trophy.

    Tell them you agree he’s second best

    Ronaldo fans live for the GOAT debate. So throw them off by being reasonable and agreeing he’s second best. They won’t be able to contain their anger.

    Tell them he’s your GOAT

    They know you’re an opp, and you’re being sarcastic, and that’ll annoy them so much.

    Become a Barça fan

    The minute you announce you’re a Barca fan, Ronaldo fans will see you as an opp, and everything you do will irritate them.

    NEXT READ: These Are the Countries to Support Since Nigeria Isn’t at the World Cup

  • Whether it’s Messi, Ronaldo, or Yakubu, this quiz knows who your football GOAT really is.

  • The 2022 World Cup in Qatar is free of alcohol but full of surprises. From underdog teams showing former champions shege to the random man who ran into the pitch, this tournament is giving what it’s supposed to, and we’re totally here for it. 

    Lionel Messi not being able to save Argentina from Saudi Arabia 

    Lionel Messi is the GOAT! Lionel Messi is the GOAT! And small Saudi Arabia that ranks 51 on FIFA’s world’s best teams still ended up beating his home team? Maybe it’s time to switch the title from GOAT to asun because this shock is not here. Love to see it for Saudi Arabia, though. 

    Lukaku becoming the affliction that keeps rising against Belgium 

    No one has missed more chances to score at the 2022 World Cup so far than Romelu Lukaku. This man had like four opportunities to put Belgium ahead in their match against Croatia (and become the highest goal scorer this year), but his village people wouldn’t let him succeed. The funniest part is how shocked he looked every time he missed a goal. Now we understand why Chelsea decided to sell him off to Inter Milan. 

    Japan starting Germany’s downfall

    With four World Cup titles to their name (their most recent win being at the 2014 tournament), everyone automatically thought Germany had the Japan game in the bag. After all, Japan hasn’t even smelt the trophy before. But like with David and Goliath, Japan kicked off the group stage of the tournament by using Germany to mop the floor. 

    This match let other teams know the Japan team didn’t come to play this year.

    Cameroon peppers Serbia to a draw match 

    Despite losing their first match against Switzerland, Cameroon pulled through in their second outing, equalising earlier goals from Serbia and walking away with a 3 – 3 draw. Even though they didn’t win the match, Cameroon showed us black excellence and just like Issa Rae: 

    Japan’s surprise second-half save against Spain

    Japan beating Germany during the World Cup group opener was a cute stroke of luck, but beating 2010 winners, Spain? After Spain scored first goal 11 minutes in, Japan came back with ginger in the second half and scored two goals like it was nothing. 

    Omo, maybe it’s time to ask the Japanese team what soap they’re using?

    RECOMMENDED: 9 Things Non-Football Fans Can Do During the World Cup 

    Morocco beatin world second-best Belgium 2 – 0

    It’s not every day the 22nd-ranked football team strolls in and beats the world’s second-best. But that’s exactly what happened at the World Cup when Morocco gave Belgium the beating of their lives. Watching Belgium struggle for an equaliser was one thing, but watching them swallow two goals from Morocco? We have to scrim!

    A protester disrupting the Portugal and Uruguay match

    The match between Portugal and Uruguay will always be remembered as the match where a protester ran onto the field with a t-shirt and flag supporting Iranian women, peace in Ukraine and LGBTQIA+ rights. Apparently, the same guy ran onto the field in protest during a 2014 World Cup game. We can’t help but stan a consistent  king. 

    Tunisia beating their former colonisers and current World Cup champions

    Tunisia might be going home after losing their matches to Australia and Denmark. But they initially beat their former coloniser and current World Cup champions, France, and that’s iconic AF. Imagine Nigeria beating England in a match? We love to see it. 

    ALSO READ: These Are the Countries to Support Since Nigeria Isn’t at the World Cup