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  • If you grew up with your dad being the best thing since they invented Canadian PR, this post is for you.

    1) When your mum says no, you always run to meet your dad.

    Hehehe.

    2) Your mum’s face whenever she sees your dad indulging you.

    Don’t jealous me pls.

    3) Your dad whenever you are sick:

    4) After a bad day and you see your dad:

    5) You try your best to never disappoint your dad.

    Daddy, I’ll always make you proud of me.

    6) You have cute nicknames for each other.

    “My princess,” and other variants.

    7) No matter what, your dad can’t say no.

    And you know it. And sometimes, exploit it.

    8) Even when you’re broke as an adult, he’s still got your back.

    Just call him and do ‘small’ complain about not having money and alert has entered.

    9) Your face when he cracks a joke:

    Even if it’s not funny.

    10) Your reaction when someone insults your dad:

    11) Your reaction in primary school when someone beat you:

    “I will tell my daddy for you.”

  • “A Week In The Life” is a weekly Zikoko series that explores the working-class struggles of Nigerians. It captures the very spirit of what it means to hustle in Nigeria and puts you in the shoes of the subject for a week.

    Jumia delivery agent

    The subject for today’s A Week In The Life is Micheal, a Jumia delivery agent. He walks us through combining being a delivery agent with fatherhood. In his words: “fatherhood is an indescribable experience.”

    MONDAY:

    Every day, I wake up before 6 am. I live at Iyana Ipaja, so that means I need to wake up early to beat the traffic. When we were living a fake life (during lockdown), I noticed that the journey to my office at Opebi that usually takes hours is actually not more than 20 minutes. Lagos no go kill person. 

    The first thing I do when I get to work today is to load my consignment. I take stock of all the goods I have to deliver for the day. Between 8:00 am and 8:30 am, I should be leaving the office to start the delivery for the day.

    Everyone has the area that they are covering, but I don’t have a specific zone. I cover everywhere. People like us help augment the delivery work of people who cover fixed zones especially on days that they need more hands. People like me are versatile; we have to know all the routes. I might go to GRA on Monday, Magodo on Tuesday.

    The job is all about passion. It can be challenging at first having to know all the routes, but in the long run, it becomes a plus for you. This is because, for people who have specific routes if they don’t have packages, they aren’t going out for that day. But, for we that are versatile, to a large extent, we are certain that we’ll work every day. 

    It’s important for me to set out early every day because this job is a race against time. I try to finish all my deliveries early enough so that I can go home to help out. Part of my daily routine is bathing my kids before they go to bed – this bonding time is very very precious to me.

    After loading and checking my goods for the day, I quickly set out to begin deliveries.

    TUESDAY:

    Since the lockdown started, I have been taking the delivery van home. In the past, I’d drop it at the office because of how far my house is. It was easier and more convenient to take public transport because of the holdup. After driving in Lagos all day, I couldn’t sit in more holdup. 

    However, for this period of the pandemic, it’s been convenient taking the van home. Believe you me, it’s better and safer that way. At least, I avoid taking public transport and being exposed to Covid-19. My wife is a caterer and does her job from home. I also have three kids and they are home all day. So, I can’t afford to infect anyone of them and that’s why I avoid public transport.

    Covid-19 has changed the game. The company I work for has been proactive towards the virus. They have provided safety measures like gloves, masks, and they’ve even facilitated contactless delivery where we limit contact with customers – because we don’t know who is who.

    Today, a customer saw me well kitted and they were pleased. They were initially scared because delivery men visit so many places. On seeing me well kitted, they relaxed. 

    Jumia Delivery agent

    After I am done for the day, I head home. My kids are excited to see me and they show it by shouting Kpanika; their mum calls me that. Kpanika means first son in Calabar language and I find it funny whenever they call me that. I go over to assist their mum who’s helping them with their assignment.

    I don’t know how she copes all day with very hyperactive kids. Any time I spend a full day with them, I realise that the job she’s doing is very stressful. In fact, words can’t express the kind of job she does. Believe you me, it’s higher than any office job – the responsibility of taking care of kids.

    WEDNESDAY:

    Part of the little joys of this job is helping a customer to resolve issues because the joy also radiates to you. As delivery guys, our motto is delivering happiness. There’s nothing like seeing the joy of helping a customer who is having difficulty ordering an item or getting a refund. One customer I’ll never forget was a woman I met during our Black Friday last year. There was this promo on rice; the price was so cheap that customers didn’t believe it. So, there was this mama who looks 60+ that got one of the deals and she was very very sceptical. When I got to her house and she saw the rice, she was extremely happy. So happy that she asked for a picture. Luckily, there was someone around to take our photo – I can never forget that incident.

    Those are the good days, but today is not a good day.

    Coming into work today, I’ve had it rough. This work requires passion and charisma to tackle your own challenges while still spreading joy.

    My manager says I have to go to a challenging route today. From all the stories I’ve heard about the route, I know that if I go, it’ll be a problem. There is parking space wahala inherent in this place and believe you me, I may not take it easy with anyone who challenges me over parking today. I walk up to my manager and explain to him the issue. With the morning I’ve had, I can’t face the challenges of that route. 

    He calls it quits.

    He then re-assigns me to another route for the day. For this job, you need to be mentally and psychologically balanced for the day. You are meeting different people from the drivers to law enforcement agents, to customers. So, you need to coordinate yourself well.

    I need today to end already. After work, I’m attending a church program online that may help with my mood. It’s a men’s program that’s dear to my heart – It is aimed at positioning you as the real man God has made you to be. The program teaches us how to be adjusted emotionally, financially, spiritually. This is so that you can have an impact on your family. 

    I don’t like missing the program for anything.

    THURSDAY:

    One thing with doing delivery in Lagos is understanding the road network. Once you understand this, you’ll not have timing issues that delivery guys are known for.

    You need to understand what time you’re supposed to be at a place, what time you aren’t supposed to because of hold up. It’s all about arranging your movement to beat the holdup; you need to drive against traffic all the time. If not, at every point in time, you’ll be stuck in traffic. It’s all about being professional with your work. 

    If you have properly planned your work, you can always plan when you’ll get to a particular point. Then, you can give customers a fixed time. Your only issue may now be customers. 

    Most customers think they are the only one you are dealing with and you can’t take that away from them. It’s now up to you to explain that you’ll be with them within this specific time and they should kindly be available. This is because you’ve limited time to spend with them as a customer. If a delivery person is spending much time with you and spending more time with another customer, how much ground do they want to cover for the day?

    If every customer he met before you took much of his time, he might not have been able to get to you. So, customers should also do everything they need to do so that the delivery is as quick as possible. The delivery is structured in such a way that the customer has been notified as early in the day as possible. So, if it’s money they want to get ready or make arrangements for someone to pick, these should be done before the delivery person gets there. 

    The delivery person has already allocated a particular amount of time per stop and if there’s any delay, they may start to become impatient.

    Before I go about my deliveries today, I listen to music to relax. I love listening to R n B and gospel. I just love good music; I love Lionel Richie, Luther Vandross. These are the artistes that keep me going on this job.

    FRIDAY:

    One of the hazards of this job is that customers can pass on aggression. As a delivery person, you don’t pack the goods and you aren’t also permitted to check the goods. So, what happens is that if customers get the wrong item, it’s you they’ll shout at. 

    And you have to remain professional.

    Like today, I delivered a shoe to a customer. After the customer had paid, they found out that it was a brown shoe instead of a black shoe. All I could do was listen as the customer took out their frustrations on me. After they had calmed down, I then proposed a way for us to resolve the issue. Thankfully, we have channels for resolving issues like this as we have envisaged a list of scenarios and provided solutions. 

    After reassuring the customer of a refund, I left to finish my other deliveries.

    In this job, it’s important not to take work matter home or bring home matter to work if you don’t want chaos. I no longer get angry because I’m used to this. 

    Once I get home and eat my favourite meal of plantain and egg, I’ll forget all about today.

    SATURDAY:

    The first thing my children ask me when they wake up is: “daddy are you going to work today?” I tell them nooooo and that I am all theirs. I spend most of my weekend’s bonding with my family. I don’t keep friends – all I do is alternate between work, family, and church.

    My children want us to watch cartoons, they want me to recite hymns to them, they also want to jump on me. For the cartoons, I put on their favourite cartoon which is PJ mask. 

    For the recital, I stylishly redirect them to go meet their mum because I don’t know all these songs; It’s their mum that knows them. I also help out with their assignments. I wonder what kind of assignments these schools give these days – is it for the kids or for the parents?

    It’s fun being with them sha. At least when they’re not jumping on me.

    Being a father is a big deal for me particularly because I have twins. There’s this plus having twins as a parent – the joy of being a father can’t be put in words – especially when you have active kids without any health challenges.

    Jumia Delivery agent

    Infact, it gives me joy. Today is a good day.

    SUNDAY:

    In regular times, we’d attend the second service at church. As a bachelor, it’s easy to go for the first service, but when you are married, it’s harder. Between the interval it takes to get the kids ready, and for wifey to get ready, the first service has ended. The second service starts at 10 am, and we’re usually done by 12.

    For now, there’s no program at church so I try to spend the day relaxing. I chase the kids out of the parlour so I can rest and listen to music. I know I can’t rest for long because they’ll still come back to disturb me. I can’t even complain because they were on their own jeje and I brought them from heaven; Na me call them come.

    I’m thinking about the future of my kids. As the day goes by, as age goes by, responsibility increases, demand increases, and we all aspire for greener pastures. Soonest, I might be taking on a program..maybe masters. But for now, that’s lying low. 

    All I can think of is the fact that I need a lot of rest to face Monday because Mondays are crazy. I hope that in the future, all my plans in the pipeline become a reality.

    For now, I’m still moving on with Jumia.

    Check back every Tuesday by 9 am for more “A Week In The Life ” goodness, and if you would like to be featured or you know anyone who fits the profile, don’t hesitate to reach out. Reach out to me: hassan@bigcabal.com if you want to be featured on this series.

  • There is a general consensus whenever I talk to fathers that the joy of fatherhood can’t be described and that it’s also a thankless job.

    In celebration of upcoming father’s day, and curious about it being thankless, I asked a couple of people to share the memory of their dad that sticks out. Ngl, I shed a little tear while reading some.

    Here’s what they said:

    Well, I cried.

    “The memory I have isn’t the ‘best.’

    My dad had cancer and was out of a job. The cost of his treatment was quite high, and I remember that one day, after his surgery, he went for his appointment and was told he had to do some tests. The cost of everything was quite high; almost 100k back then. I also remember both of us standing in front of the hospital with tears in his eyes.

    I didn’t see him cry when he got the diagnosis, or when he went for surgery. It was shocking to see him struggling with tears in front of me after beating the disease.

    For some reason, this is my fondest memory of him.

    I think it is because I saw him at his strongest and at his weakest at that point.

    I had the money and although it was meant for something else, I gave it to him. We both stood there and I was reassuring him, telling him we’d get the tests done – It cost about 90k.”

    My chest.

    “Well, my dad has followed me for every external exam ever: Common Entrance, Quizzes, Post Utme. Anyway, I had an exam that was supposed to be by 9 am but both of us somehow thought it was by 10.

    So, we stayed back at home to fry prawn crackers.

    After we were done, we decided to walk to school instead of taking a cab – we were joking and gossiping all the way. By the time we got there, people were wondering why we were so late. I was rushing into the exam hall and the man still tossed my prawn crackers at me and said that he trusts that I’ll finish on time so I can eat.

    I did. I came third and even got a scholarship – he was so proud and confident.”

    Who’s cutting onions behind me?

    “Well, it was a dancing competition and it was clear that I won. Rather than give me my gift, they gave it someone else. My dad was there life and direct when it happened.

    I cried and cried and cried.

    He told me to let them be. That the best person doesn’t need validation. The next day on his way back from work, he bought me the exact same gift.”

    Daddy’s girl.

    “I was sitting on his laps and picking at his beards when I was like say 7. It was ruined by my grandma sha, she came and saw me. She was like I’m too big to be doing that and I should get up. I was extremely sad when it happened.”

    Wow.

    “I once played football with him as a child. Then, as a teenager, we played game one time on my play station; this was just a few months before he died.”

    This is wholesome.

    “My fondest memory involves hiding in the back seat of my dad’s car just to follow him out. And him pretending not to notice until we were far from the house.

    I was really small so I could squeeze myself into that space between the front and back seat. You wouldn’t see me if you didn’t know where to look.

    That’s how I ended in Okene one day wearing just my primary school sportswear (vest and shorts). For context, Okene was like 2 hours away from home.”

    E for what?

    “One time we went to renew my passport, one of the customs guys asked my dad “na your pikin be this? she’s very beautiful”. And he didn’t say thank you – he said “I know”.

    Felt good like…my dad thinks I’m beautiful.”

    Sweet father, I no go forget you.

    “Well, my dad used to travel a lot. A whole lot. The only free time he had was when he’d get back from the trips early in the morning. So, he’d wake me up by 5:00 am to jog, stretch and do jumping jacks. It was not about the exercise but it was more of an opportunity for father and son bonding.

    He’s old now and has lost a lot of that youthful agility. I am scared of time and how much it takes from us. What else is it going to take from him?”

    I don’t even like kids like that but this made me reconsider.

    “My dad is a girl dad – with three daughters, he always made sure he was there every step of the way. I believe it was his way of bonding with us. It was almost as if he didn’t want to miss any part of our growing up – it may have something to do with the fact that his dad died when he was very young and this may have been his way of compensation. I don’t know for sure.

    Up until I was 18, my dad used to take me to the salon to get my hair done. One memory I’ll never forget was during Christmas when I was really young (definitely less than 10 years old). He took me to the salon and someone thought it cool to ask him why he was the one doing this (taking me to the salon, as against my mum doing it of course) and he shut her down immediately.

    I was really young, but that moment is etched in my memory.”

    Mahn.

    “My dad has passed but when I remember him, I tend to hear his voice first before I picture his face.

    I remember the nightly advice he used to give us. What I liked about him was his honesty – he talked about how many times he failed in life, his mistakes. How he treated my mum early on in the marriage. He said he wasn’t a good man then but he learned over time.

    When he started his business, he talked about attaching yourself to the people who call the shots if you’re new to an industry. He talked about them taking you under their wings and how it worked for him.

    Then he spoke about his history, his family – he loved history – he wanted us to know more about where we came from, he wanted us to go back to our hometown. He had plans but they never happened…

    At the end of everything, he’d tell us ‘don’t be scared of anything, you have my blood.’ That was his anthem and we heard it almost every day.

    Whenever I am scared, I still hear my dad’s voice telling me not to be afraid.”

    This story was edited for clarity. Some details have been changed to protect the identity of the subject.

    Image source: Pexels.com

    You should read this next: 13 Nigerian Men Share What They Wish They Knew Before Getting Married

  • 1. When you have a baby, ALL your relatives will want to give the child their own official name.

    How many names do you want my child to have? Please go away.

    2. Having kids means you now have little versions of you that you can send on pointless errands whenever you feel like.

    “Segun! Come from upstairs and give me this remote that is two inches away from my hand.”

    3. When your child gives you attitude so you have no choice but to whoop their ass.

    As a father, channel your inner Jackie Chan. As a mother, channel your inner Charlie’s Angel.

    4. But deep down it hurts you to see your child in pain but you know that if you spare the rod, you’ll spoil the child.

    My chest.

    5. This is you when you find out how much school fees are these days.

    HAAAAY!

    6. But you want the best for child so you still pay.

    Everything I do is for you, my child.

    7. When your child does well in school you’ll be like

    YAAASS! THAT IS THE SEED OF MY LOINS!!!!

    8. This will be you if you find out that your child refuses to learn anything and is failing terribly.

    What is happening???

    9. When your child becomes a teenager and starts raising shoulder for you.

    See this one sha oh.

    10. You will be happy to see your child now making friends and learning how to navigate life on their own.

    My work is almost done.

    11. But then you worry that they might join bad gang.

    God pls no.

    12. You will also worry that they are now doing “bad thing” so you’ll tell them this.

    Also, tell them if they have sex, they’ll die.

    Truth is, being a parent has a lot of ups and downs. Just look at this video

    If you enjoyed this, read this next article about the Nigerian parent’s guide to sex education.

    The Nigerian Parent’s Guide To ‘Sex Education’

  • 1. When he finally scrapes enough money to buy the latest Mercedes.

    Because he has arrived!

    2. When he sees the keys to his old Peugeot, he’s like.

    Levels don change!

    3. How he ‘examines’ the car every 10 seconds.

    ‘I just want to check the engine’.

    4. You, when his friends come and he starts doing shakara with the car.

    We will not hear word again now!

    5. How he reacts when his friends want to help him test drive the car.

    ‘Impossicant!’

    6. How he starts shouting when you just touch the car small.

    See stress.

    7. When you think someone has kidnapped your dad, and you find him in the car doing nothing.

    ‘I just want to relax small’.

    8. All the different car alarms he parks to disturb the whole neighborhood.

    Too much stress.

    9. When your mum wants to use the car because her own car is faulty.

    ‘Please sir’.

    10. How he drives your mom’s car when the whole family is going to somewhere very rough and bumpy.

    ‘My own car is not kabu kabu!’

  • 1. When your dad announces he will be retiring to the family.

    Ah! Why now?

    2. When you wake up and your dad is still around.

    Then you remember he does not have anywhere to go because, he is now retired.

    3. When he starts asking questions about things in the house.

    Oga this is how we have been doing things since oh don’t come and scatter it!

    4. When you or your siblings ask for money, he’s like:

    Are these ones okay at all?

    5. When he is bored and is looking for something to do.

    “Maybe I should go and frustrate my children so they will marry on time.”

    6. When his fellow retirees come and visit him.

    Association of bored gentlemen.

    7. When your mother goes out and he does not know when she is coming back, he’s like:

    Poor daddy!

    8. When the person that took over his role comes to ask for some advice and help.

    He will now be feeling cool!

    9. When him and your mum decide they now want to join fitfam so they can live long.

    You people are well done!

    10. When he remembers he has to go to the pension office.

    Wicked children.

    11. When he finds a new business he can get involved in.

    No need to stay in the house with these ungrateful children again.

    12. When his frustration has worked and you now want to marry, then he remembers he has to pay.

    Which kind of wahala is this one?

  • 1. When they insult you at home but defend you in public.

    So strange.

    2. When they say “we are only beating you because we love you.”

    I don’t understand this love oh.

    3. When they call you to come and eat right after beating you.

    They have already forgiven you.

    4. When they allow you to go and take extra meat.

    THE BEST!

    5. When they still give you offering money even as an adult.

    You are still a child to them.

    6. When they always find a way to bring home food from owambes for you.

    You must eat what they ate.

    7. When your relatives try to report you to your parents and they give them:

    Just once in a while, but it’s so sweet.

    8. When they spend an eternity praying for you whenever you’re about to travel.

    They must pray for journey mercies first.

    9. When they buy you a phone that is more expensive than their own.

    They got you smartphone and they are still using 3310.

    10. When your sibling chooks mouth when they are scolding you and they turn and face them.

    They are lowkey defending you.

    11. When they start trying to play with you right after punishing you.

    I don’t like this play.

    12. When they make you stay home in the name of keeping you safe.

    The worst.

    13. When you misbehave but your mother doesn’t report you to your father.

    The biggest act of kindness.

    14. When you call your father to ‘greet him’ and he just asks:

    Daddy, you sabi abeg.

  • 1. Really, what else were you expecting to be number 1?

    Geles for the win.

    2. Your mother’s “I’m here for my breakthrough” Sunday hat:

    You already know she is not there to play.

    3. The “I’m going to slay at Asalatu” veil:

    GIVE THEM!

    4. The “let’s go and scatter that Owambe” jewellery:

    Mama Di Mama!

    5. The ‘I beta pass my neighbour’ bead set:

    Oshey, mummy of the bride.

    6. Your mother’s wardrobe is basically incomplete without:

    Nigerian mothers love their matchy-matchy.

    7. The bag your mother always forgets her phone in:

    Why they never answer your call.

    8. The unofficial Nigerian mother wig:

    If your mother is funky, she will have it in brown too.

    9. Your father’s ‘pass me the remote’ polo:

    You know he is about to watch football.

    10. Every Nigerian adult’s reading glasses.

    They will now put it on their nose.

    11. The shoes your aunty who’s always complaining loves to wear:

    https://twitter.com/No1chick/status/736872736669245440

    12. Your father’s favourite stay-at-home outfit:

    Just add his newspaper and slippers and he is fine.

    13. Your father’s “I’m going to see a friend” shoes:

    They ALL have it.

    14. Your favourite Nigerian uncle’s shoes:

    The one that always gives you ‘biscuit money’.

    15. The cap your least favourite uncle owns:

    He was meant to stay with your family for just a week… It’s been 3 years.

  • 1. When they have to ask “have you seen me today?” before you greet them.

    It’s not their concern that you really hadn’t seen them.

    2. When they see someone that is left handed.

    How dare you be born that way?

    3. When you have more than one colour in your hair.

    Ah! You want to go and do prostitution.

    4. When you wear a dress that is exposing your shoulder blades and ankles.

    Better go and wear that turtleneck.

    5. When they see a girl with more than one piercing and a boy that has any at all.

    You sef, why are you chooking holes in your body?

    6. When they hear that you were talking to someone of the opposite sex.

    You better be ready to marry them.

    7. When your curfew is 9:00 and you get in by 9:01.

    You should have slept there na, since you can’t keep to time.

    8. When you lend them money and ask for it back.

    All the school fees they paid for you, did they collect it back? Better shift.

    9. When they are talking to you and you are keeping quiet.

    So, you can’t talk abi?

    10. When they are talking to you and you are talking too.

    So, you can’t keep quiet abi?

    11. When you don’t greet all the 15 adults in a room individually.

    You cannot prostrate 15 times?

    12. When you don’t add “ma” or “sir” to the end of every word.

    “yes ma, yes ma, yes” “Is it me you are saying yes too???”

    13. When a sex scene comes on and your eyes are still open.

    You want to learn so you can go and practice abi?

    14. When they make a mistake and you correct them.

    It’s like you’re mad.

    15. When they want to slap you and you dodge it.

    Fight them na.

    16. When you eat your meat before touching your rice.

    You need slap.

    17. When you wear your trouser lower than this:

    Be there sagging like a criminal.

  • 1. When he sees an old friend.

    https://twitter.com/pam_E_chic/status/502031826953592832

    2. When you ask him for a birthday gift.

    Hian!

    3. When you say you don’t want to go to church.

    https://twitter.com/pam_E_chic/status/502021663618125825

    4. When he sends you on an errand.

    https://twitter.com/chuuzzy/status/593904479927443456

    5. When you tell him you don’t want to go to the village for Christmas.

    Allow me na.

    6. When visitors from the east come and he suddenly starts speaking only igbo.

    From where?

    7. When it’s time for 10 O’Clock News.

    On. The. Dot.

    8. When he speaks Igbo to you and you reply in English.

    Sorry sir.

    9. When he starts arguing politics with his friends.

    Bye!

    10. When he wears a polo shirt.

    We know where all the money is going.

    11. How he watches football with his friends:

    Don’t distract them.

    12. When he is talking about your mum and he says “my wife” with so much pride.

    Daddy Daddy!!!

    13. When you tell him you want to study anything outside Engineering, Law, or Medicine.

    I was just joking sir.