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  • Zikoko stares at their phone as they walk into a bar.

    Tequila: Zikoko?

    Zikoko: Hmm? 

    Tequila: Zikoko!

    Zikoko: 

    Tequila: Join me

    Zikoko: No, thank you.

    Tequila: Ahan, are we not friends again?

    Zikoko: When did we become friends?

    Tequila: Zikoko!! Feel free, relax.

    Zikoko looks around the full bar.

    Tequila: It’s for me. They’re here for me.

    Zikoko: Is it your birthday?

    Tequila:

    Zikoko: 

    Tequila: You’re joking, right? Obviously, you know why they gathered for me.

    Zikoko: 

    Tequila: Ahan. My album just dropped na. Hot stuff, fire music.

    Are you hearing that song right now? That’s me.

    Zikoko: Actually, that’s AG baby.

    Tequila: What’s the name of the album?

    Zikoko: That doesn’t matter. 

    Tequila: Just say it.

    Zikoko: Tequila Ever After.

    Tequila: Gbam. That’s it. The album and I are namesakes, which means the album is mine.

    Zikoko: That’s not how it goes.

    Tequila: Tequila Ever After. I’ve become a legend.

    Zikoko: Because Adekunle Gold put “Ever After” beside your name?

    Tequila: I’ve been a legend before then. Don’t look at me with small eyes, I’m big. Big buzz, if you try me, you go loss.

    Zikoko: Who dashed you?

    Tequila: 

    What’s your favourite liquor?

    Zikoko: Wine

    Tequila:

    Tequila pours a clear liquid into a shot glass.

    Tequila: Drink.

    Zikoko sighs and takes the shot.

    Tequila: How was it? Shebi it was smooth?

    Zikoko: That doesn’t prove anything

    Tequila: It does. I do my work, and I do my work well. No complaints.

    Zikoko: (under breath) Gin does her work well too.

    The music in the bar stops and everyone turns to Zikoko.

    Zikoko: 

  • Are you Gulder or Heineken? Take this quiz to find out.

  • On a night I wanted to drown my sorrows from capitalism with a cocktail, and honey was the closest thing I had to a sweetener. I searched for a few recipes and found a couple of easy ones you need to get on today. 

    Bee’s Knees

    Source: Cookie + Kate

    Since our copy editor sneaks gin into his cups of tea at the slightest inconvenience, this one should be his favourite. All you need is dry gin, lemon and honey. But honey isn’t great with cold cocktails, so you need to turn the honey into a syrup by mixing it with equal amounts of water and heating it until it’s caramelised. If you hate gin, you can substitute it with vodka. 

    Recipe: 

    • Find honey. Add two tablespoons of water and honey to a pot or a bowl to microwave. Heat it up until you get a consistency like syrup and set aside.
    • Get a lemon and grate some of the peels into the honey and water mix. Then squeeze some of the juice in as well.
    • Now to the cocktail: Fill a glass with ice and pour the honey syrup, lemon and gin. Next, stir things up.
    • Drink up!

    Pro tip: Try pineapple-flavoured vodka with honey syrup and apple juice for an extra wave of sweetness.

    Source: Cookie + Kate

    Fallen leaf

    Source: Jessica Fradono, liquor.com

    I recommend this for tea lovers. It’s a hot cocktail with bourbon, so why not? Fallen leaf is a twist on a hot toddy (spirit, sugar and hot water) — find the recipe here. For this cocktail, you need ginger-flavoured liquor, or you can proceed to juice ginger into vodka and then add cinnamon, lime, nutmeg and honey. 

    Recipe: 

    • Add 12 tablespoons of bourbon (or more) to a mug. Then add a tablespoon of lemon juice.
    • Boil some water and add your choice of cinnamon tea. You can also just toss in a cinnamon stick to water and boil it as your tea.
    • Now pour the honey syrup into the cinnamon tea and bourbon mix. 
    • Garnish with grated nutmeg and a lemon wheel. Cheers!

    Source: liquor.com 

    Honeyed Coffee Gin and Tonic 

    This is for the coffee crack heads. And it only needs four ingredients: tonic water, gin, cold-brew coffee and honey syrup. The honeyed coffee gin and tonic says 28.3 grams (1 oz) of gin, but I eye-balled it and let the ancestors guide my decision. Enjoy it in any glass or mug of your choice.

    Source: Emma Janzen, Imbibe

    Recipe:

    • Make your coffee, toss in some ice and stir. Add in lemon juice, honey syrup and tonic water.
    • Add in more ice and some lemon zest to garnish.

    Source: Julia Momose, Kumiko

    RELATED: The Best Types of Coffee For An Authentic Nigerian’s Tastebuds

    Mulled gin

    Source: BBC Good Food

    This one is for the plain Janes like myself. Gin is a crowd favourite when it comes to honey syrup, and this recipe includes apple flavour for a kick. You can throw in some blended grapes, lemon and bay leaves, but feel free to tweak the recipe or keep it as simple as possible.

    Recipe:

    • Add gin to a glass.
    • Get a pot, add in apple juice, a cinnamon stick, honey, grapes or berries and bring to a simmer.
    • Strain the mix into a jar and pour it into your cup of gin. Add in some lemon juice and bay leaf for cover.

    RELATED: What Your Favourite Alcohol Says About You

    Tequila honey bee

    Source: Cocktail Contessa

    Specially crafted for a drunk night out with the girls on a yacht in Dubai. But I’ll take an evening sipping this cocktail while I pretend I’m the main character of a Tyler Perry movie. 

    It needs five main ingredients: tequila, honey syrup, lemon juice, lemon peels and Angostura Bitters, a concentrate of herbs, to temper the sweetness. Or you can use agbo; let me know how it goes.

    Recipe: 

    • Follow the bee’s knee recipe, but instead of gin or bourbon, use tequila as your base. Now add in Angostura Bitters, a lemon peel and ice.

    Source: Insanely Good

    Milk and honey cocktail

    Source: Spruce Eats

    This is where you’ll see lactose-intolerant people gather. This cocktail recipe is a mix of scotch, milk, cream and honey. I also think this is for bougie drunks because which Nigerian drinks scotch?

    Recipe:

    • Get some alcohol of your choice as a base. Add in cold milk, some yoghurt or cream, orange slices and a cinnamon stick. 
    • Mix the drink, leave it in the fridge to chill and enjoy once it’s chilled.

    Source: Difford’s Guide

    Honey beer cocktail

    Source: Kris Longwell

    Beer isn’t for everyone and that’s okay, but can you really say no to a beer cocktail? With honey? C’mon, live a little. This is for the alcohol drinkers that need to be a little bit daring. And it’s the easiest recipe.

    Recipe: 

    • Add honey, lemon juice, beer and some mint into a cup. Next, stir the mix until the honey is dissolved.
    • Add in ice and lemon juice.

    Source: How to feed a loon

    Note: 28.3 grams (1 oz) is about two tablespoons of whatever liquid you need in the drink.

    Now, you know pineapple vodka and apple juice has my heart, but what do you think other Zikoko writers love to drink? Weird Homemade Cocktails Zikoko Writers Are Making

  • The weekend is here, and if there’s one thing I’ll do, it’s recommend different ways people can drink alcohol. Today you’ll be discovering ways to make your alcohol more interesting. 

    Vodka gummy bears 

    I like to call this the lazy and fast way of making a cocktail because you don’t have to do a lot of mixing, and you still get some colour and flavour in your drink. All you need is a bottle of vodka, a bag of gummy bears and a medium-sized bowl. 

    You can try this with one or multiple-flavoured gummies. Put the gummy bears in a bowl, pour in vodka, then leave for about 5 hours. For a deeper flavour, you can leave it overnight. Once it’s done, you can chew the gummy bears (which have soaked up alcohol) and drink the vodka. 

    Add Ribena to your dry red wine 

    This was something I tried yesterday. I was about to drink Ribena when I remembered that I had some leftover red wine in the fridge. My decision to combine both is one of the best decisions I’ve made this week; it’s like heaven on your tongue. Works best with dry reds such as Pinot Noir, Cabernet Sauvignon and the likes. 

     ALSO READ: Interview With Red Wine: “Why are Nigerian Women Lying Against Me” 

    Pour alcohol into your watermelon

    I’m pretty sure this isn’t the first time you’ve heard about this. So why haven’t you tried it yet?  Just cut a narrow but deep hole (it has to be deep so that the drink will seep through) into your watermelon in the shape of your liquor bottle, turn over the bottle and put the mouth in the hole and let the alcohol pour into the melon. 

    Leave it until it’s empty or until you think the alcohol poured in is enough. Put the watermelon in the fridge to chill for about four hours, then cut it up when you’re ready. 

    Use alcohol to make ice cubes 

    Normally, when you want a really cold drink, you tend to add ice cubes. To do things a little differently this time, make your ice cubes out of whatever alcohol you’re drinking. If you’re having whiskey, fill your ice tray with whiskey. That way, when the ice melts, it’s not diluting your alcohol, it’s just adding to it. 

    Experiment with Skittles 

    Have you ever tried adding Skittles to, say, tequila? Here’s your cue. . Just put Skittles in a cup, fill the cup with tequila, and leave it overnight. You can do this with one or different flavours of Skittles. A fun way to have tequila shots, it won’t stop it from burning your throats though. 

     ALSO READ: What Your Favorite Alcohol Says About You

    Tequila and pasta

    A good way to eat and drink at the same time, don’t you think? This recipe doesn’t necessarily contain that much tequila, but it’s a good way to mix alcohol and pasta and end up with a delicious recipe. If you’re interested in seeing how this goes in detail, find out how to make it on All Recipes.

    Try Baileys and coffee

    Instead of adding milk or cream to your coffee, add half a glass of Baileys instead. What better way to kickstart the morning? Besides, Baileys is a lot creamier. 

    Heineken and sprite

    I genuinely think beer is bitter, and that’s why i’ve included this combination. To make things interesting, you can add whiskey. That way, the alcohol content increases and the taste also gets better. 

    Liked this, you can try out these other cocktails: These are 7 Simple Cocktails You Can Make in Your Kitchen

  • Everyone has their vices, but there’s no reason why your vice should look like — or in this case, taste like — your problems. Especially as a Nigerian. So, if you like beer and you live in this unreal country, you must really not like yourself sha. And if you’ve been wondering why people hate it so much, here are the reasons:

    1. It looks like urine 

    Other alcoholic drinks try to be neat or attractive with their colours, so you’ll feel better about yourself when you drink them. But beer couldn’t even be bothered to try. It just went and decided to look like piss. That says a lot.

    RELATED: Quiz: What Type Of Alcohol Are You?

    2. It smells like ass

    It tries to be kind to you by warning you in advance about its terrible smell, but the warning is never enough. Nothing should leave your breath smelling like spoilt eggs mixed with palm wine, but beer does that out of the wickedness of its heart.

    3. It makes you bloated

    Lowkey, every alcohol bloats you but beers own is just razz because why is it doing too much when you didn’t even enjoy drinking it in the first place? Honestly, beer could learn a little humility, Idk. 

    4. Everyone has a problematic uncle that likes it

    That’s a big red flag tbh. Notice how only people with bad vibes like beer. Or how, in Nollywood movies, the wicked man always drinks beer before coming home to beat his kids for no reason. Art mostly imitates life, and that’s on periodt. 

    RELATED: QUIZ: If You’ve Drank 16/28 Of These Drinks, You’re An Alcoholic

    5. Beer drunk is embarrassing 

    If you get drunk after drinking beer, it’s never the cute type of drunk that makes you flirty or giggly. It just goes straight to agbero or makes you think about your life. So razz. 

    6. It tastes like horror

    If you’re going to drink alcohol, the least you can do is drink something that tastes sweet. You’re trying to avoid your problems or just get drunk for the sake of it, so why would you drink something that tastes like disappointment? 

    READ ALSO: What Your Favourite Alcohol Says About You

  • Are you an alcoholic? Well, because adulthood is the fucking ghetto, the answer is probably yes. But let’s not jump to conclusions. Take the quiz and see your report card.

    Select all the ones you’ve had:

    Don’t be shy, select everything you’ve drank from this list:

  • It’s the weekend, and this means people are looking for places to go to destroy whatever is left of their livers. But not everyone wants to go out. Some people want to get drunk in the comfort of their homes, and that’s fine too. If you are part of this group and are tired of drinking boring-ass plain alcohol, we’ve come up with cocktail recipes you can try with ingredients you most likely already have in your house. 

    1. Zobo Martini 

    If you’ve been thinking about what to do with that zobo that has been in your fridge for ages, try making a zobo martini. For this recipe you’ll need half a cup of unsweetened zobo, vodka, lemon juice, sugar, lemon or lime, and sugar syrup. To make a sugar syrup, dissolve sugar in water over low heat and let it cool for a bit.  

    Recipe:

    • Rim your glass: Cut a lime or lemon in half and rub it around the edge of a glass cup, making sure that the rim is coated with the juice. Next, pour some sugar on a plate and roll the edge of the cup around the sugar until it sticks to the rim. 
    • Put a few cubes of ice in a cocktail shaker (or any cup with a lid, because not everybody randomly keeps a cocktail shaker in their house), pour the zobo, two shots of vodka, two tablespoons of lemon juice and one tablespoon of sugar syrup in the shaker, cover and shake vigorously.
    • Pour the liquid into your rimmed cocktail glass. Add a slice of lemon to the cocktail glass.

    2. Hot Toddy

    Have you ever tried a hot cocktail? If you’re a tea lover and also a lover of alcohol, you’ll love this combination. If you have either brandy, rum or whiskey at home, you can make yourself a Hot Toddy.  

    Recipe

    • Boil water in a kettle,  pour it in a mug and add your preferred tea bag. Leave to brew for 3-5 minutes. 
    • In a separate cup, add a tablespoon of honey.
    • Add your liquor next and a tablespoon of lemon juice. 
    • Lastly, add your brewed tea and stir well.

    You can add a lemon wedge for garnish, or customise the flavour of your tea to spice things up.

    3. Reverse Espresso Martini

    Don’t worry, we have something for coffee lovers too. All you need for this is coffee, vodka and Baileys. 

    Recipe:

    • Add a tablespoon of coffee into a mug of boiled water to make a simple quick espresso.
    • Freeze the espresso in an ice cube tray.
    • Pour the vodka and baileys into a cocktail shaker, shake for about a minute and then strain into a tumbler. filled with ice.
    • Put 4-5 coffee ice cubes into the drink to serve.

    4. Nigerian Michelada

    It’s time to open up your spice closet. This recipe includes beer, lime juice, hot sauce, soy sauce, and black pepper. Yes, you read that right.  Aren’t you tired of drinking normal beer? Try something new abeg. 

    Recipe:

    • Fill a beer mug with ice and add a tablespoon of lemon juice, three dashes of hot sauce,three dashes of soy sauce, and a dash of black pepper 
    • Stir until well mixed.
    • Top up with any beer of your choice.

    We know you might be tempted to add ata gunun at this point. Please, don’t. Yoruba people, we’re looking at you. 

    5. Fiery Nsukka Pepper Martini

    Before you begin to do your face like we just asked you to try the forbidden fruit, try the cocktail first. For this, you’ll need orange juice , vodka, lemon juice, Nsukka pepper or scotch bonnets and ice cubes. 

     

    Recipe

    • Add the orange juice, ice cubes and two pieces of scotch bonnets into a blender. To reduce the heat, you can take out the seeds from the pepper. Blend until the pepper breaks down, almost completely.
    • Sieve into a cocktail shaker, add the vodka, lemon juice, extra ice cubes, and shake.
    • Pour into a glass, and you’re good to go.

        

    6. Rum, Coke And Champagne 

    If you’re tired of the regular rum and coke, try adding champagne into the mix. All you have to do is pour rum, coke and champagne into a glass of ice and stir and you’re good to go. If you don’t want to use champagne, you can try sparkling wine. 

    7. Vodka Cranberry

    A Vodka cranberry is easy to make. The ingredients are literally in the name — Vodka and Cranberry (juice). Just mix the two together and you have yourself a simple cocktail. You can add as much alcohol as you want, you’re in your house, no one can beat you. 

    9 Weird Hangover Remedies That Actually Work

  • This is an accurate judgement system, because nothing tells you more about a person than their favourite alcohol.

    1) Wine

    You’re a social drinker. You never really drink for the sake of being drunk, but because you want your muscles to relax and you need the confidence to send that risky text.

    May all your shots hit their target.

    2) Tequila

    You like to have fun, but you wouldn’t put your body through hell to get there. You’re a good time and everyone likes hanging out with you. You also probably have a lot of friends, and you don’t need alcohol to do silly things.

    3) Vodka

    This is the Gemini of alcohol, so anyone that likes it probably doesn’t like themself. If Vodka is your favourite type of alcohol, you need therapy and your liver needs to be checked. You’re chaotic, dangerous and will probably get arrested for public indecency once in your life.

    Vodka drinkers every time they wake up
    If you’re into memes, check out this mind-blowing Nigerian meme site we created. Click Here

    4) Beer

    If beer is your favourite alcohol, you’re probably an Igbo woman or a south-south woman. Either that or a Yoruba man named Femi. Beer drinkers don’t like stress and probably also eat fufu. They’re there for a good time.

    5) Gin

    How it feels every time you come across a gin drinker

    Going to start this by saying that if you drink gin willingly, you should talk to someone. You’re probably going through a lot physically, mentally and spiritually. Honestly, your friends should have staged an intervention for you already. Especially since you’ve probably been offering your demon juice to them too. You’re also either an NURTW member, Chelsea fan or a law student. Sometimes, you’re all three. It’s a drink for the streets.

    6) Whiskey

    Nobody likes you. You also think you’re better than everyone because you drink “rich”, expensive liquor. If your favourite alcohol is whiskey, your friends are probably gossiping about you right now. You’re also probably a forex trader.

    If you’re into memes, check out this mind-blowing Nigerian meme site we created. Click Here

    7) Rum

    You’re the kind of person that’s easily forgotten, but once you’re remembered, you’re a wild ride. You know your worth, so you don’t chase, you attract.

    8) Brandy

    You’re what whiskey drinkers think they are. Sophisticated, rich and intellectual. If your favourite alcohol is Brandy, then you’re doing a lot of things about life right.

    For more on what’s inside this life, please click here

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  • Alcoholism is a thing that many people suffer from and alcoholism exists in many degrees and affects people in so many ways. Today, we asked five Nigerian men how their alcoholism affected them and how they go on the track of sobriety.

    Daniel, 30.

    I started drinking when I was in my second year at the university. However, it was when I was in my final year that I started drinking for pleasure and not just at events and stuff. I would buy two bottles of beer at night with a pack of suya and eat and drink till I slept off. I had started making small money then so I thought that this was me enjoying. The habit grew from two bottles to three and then at events or when I was with my friends, I would drink four to six bottles of beer. A few years ago, roughly four years ago, I realized that I had a problem. I needed to drink at least two bottles of beer every day, otherwise I felt some type of way. So I started with first, only drinking one bottle a day and two bottles of beer in a social gathering. Then slowly, I stopped drinking at home. Now I only drink at events and never more than one. It’s been a journey and I’m proud of myself.

    Bryan, 26.

    My dad gave me my first sip of alcohol when I turned seventeen but it was when I left Nigeria for my higher education that I finally got into alcohol. My friends and I would do shots all night every weekday we hung out and on weekends, we would go to parties where people just sat around and drank beer. Soon, I realized that I drank every day. I think the worst part about alcoholism is that you never know that you have a problem until it gets bad. That’s what happened to me. Before I knew it, I was coming home drunk and wasted at least three times a week. The good thing is that I was far from home and my parents. The bad thing is it was a problem. I didn’t start working on it until the day I got into a fight with someone while drunk for no reason and then I got arrested. There’s nothing worse than being arrested when drunk as an African living in a foreign land. Luckily, I was eventually let go. There and then I told God that this must stop. It’s been a few years and it has been a rocky road, I’ve had several relapses but I’m happy that I’ve kicked the habit. For me, I needed my friend’s support to really battle it. My friends played a huge role because we all decided to stop drinking as much around the same time. When we went out, we all looked out for each other, and when I relapsed they didn’t judge me but reminded me why I wanted to stop in the first place and I did the same for them.

    Elvis, 24.

    During the pandemic, I started getting into wines and making cocktails at home. I would wake up, do some work, read and just drink till I pass out. I didn’t know I had a problem till I realized that there was a week I had been drunk five times just that week alone. Then I realized that I had started gaining a weird type of fat that I had never put on before. I wish I stopped drinking then but the truth is, it took me another six months after the realization before I was able to stop drinking. I think the key to it for me at least is holding myself accountable. No one can make decisions like that for you other than you.

    Jonathan, 31.

    I lost my job two years ago and I started drinking as a way to pass time while waiting for a new job. Slowly, I started needing more bottles to get as drunk as I wanted and before I knew it, I was a very different person who drank like a fish. I eventually got a job but the drinking didn’t stop then like I thought it would. Three months after I got the job I was fired for being careless, lazy, messy etc. I knew it was the alcohol because those have never been traits of mine so I started working on it. I moved in with a friend because I couldn’t afford my apartment without a job and slowly, I got the alcoholism out of my system. What people don’t tell you is how hard it is to get un-addicted and how long it takes. I’m still trying to get it out of my system right now but I’m in a much better place and now I can keep a job.

    Thomas, 28.

    After law school, I started making good money from photography. I was popping, eating well, going to parties etc. That’s where it started, before I knew it, I was getting drunk daily. As a creative, you work on your own time and that was the only reason I wasn’t fired. I would go to bed drunk, wake up by 2 PM, rush out for a gig, by 10 PM I was back drinking again. There wasn’t a big moment where I had an epiphany, to be honest, I just looked at myself and said, this is not it. Stopping wasn’t easy but for me, I had to go cold turkey. For six months, I didn’t drink alcohol at all. Now, I only allow myself to get drunk on very rare occasions.

  • If you relate to up to 9 things on this list, you’re definitely an alcoholic.

    Select all that apply to you: