Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 25-year-old heterosexual woman who talks to us about how she decided not to wait till her wedding night to have sex, her desire to dominate a man, and all things she enjoys that she blames porn for.
What was your first sexual experience?
I wouldn’t say that this was a sexual experience but it’s a good place to start this story. It was the first day I saw porn. I spent that day in a police station.
I’m sorry, what?
I was about 13 at the time and my brother had just gotten a laptop and he had found hentai – anime porn – online and showed it to me. I’d seen random clips here and there before but this was the first time I was getting to see an actual video.
My father caught us watching this and he absolutely lost it. He made us pack our boxes and took us to the police station close to our house. I remember feeling so bad and having so much shame. We ended up coming back home around 11 pm that day but it was such a weird experience.
So did this keep you off porn?
Till my late teens. When I was getting into uni I was finally looking for porn by myself. Searching categories and all that. It’s what helped a bit when I decided I wanted to have sex for the first time.
Oh yes, so how did that go?
I was 17 the first time I had sex. I was in the U.S. for university and had started dating this guy that I liked. We lived in a co-ed dorm and after my roommate moved out in my second year, we basically started living together.
I didn’t plan on having sex till my wedding night.
Before we had sex, my boyfriend and I would usually make out. One day, he put his finger in me, and it was the most excruciating pain I’d ever felt. I had to think very hard about my decision to wait because I wondered what a penis would do to me if a finger could do that. I thought about how sad it would make my wedding night, so I decided to get all the unpleasantness out of the way early.
And how did your first time go?
As I imagined. Painful as hell. I wondered if I would need to have my hymen surgically removed or something.
Eish, sorry. But did it get better?
Oh, it got a lot better. We had more sex, and I started to try more things with him. I watched more porn and discovered the stuff I liked or wanted to try. From degradation during sex to craving sex in public places. I think the most insane thing we wanted to try at the time was to go to the centre of the school’s football field and have sex there. We never got to do that though. We settled for having sex in his car in the school’s parking lot.
I had to move to another state and change schools after about a year so we broke up.
What was your sex life like in this new city?
I lived with some family members in that city. I was meeting people, but I wasn’t in a co-ed dorm anymore. Sex in class became a thing for me with one guy I was seeing. We were doing that for a while until one day when he asked me to give him head and his penis stank to high heavens. He was uncircumcised, and I think he hadn’t washed well. I got one whiff of it and backed the hell away. We eventually settled on a handjob. But can you believe that after this man came, he just packed his things and left?
That was the last time I saw him sha. Another interesting fellow I had sex with was this white guy I met through some mutual friends. I didn’t particularly find him attractive, but he was persistent and we planned to see a movie at his. I told him straight up that we were not going to have sex, and he was fine with that. Then we settled in to watch our movie. Guess what I chose for us to watch…
I feel like I’m not going to get it.
Dear White People.
Yes, yes. It was hilarious.
Anyway, we did end up having sex but the night ended up having a bit of a snag because at some point the condom got lost, and we had to stop and look around for it. We checked the bed and everywhere around. Turned out it was inside me. I don’t know if the condoms were too big, but yeah, that didn’t help the mood for the rest of that night.
Not a lot of exciting things happened with sex in that time. After a while, I had to return to Nigeria to complete uni and during my final year, I met a sugar daddy.
Where did you meet him?
Lol. I met this one at a club when I was with some friends. Honestly, I hesitate to call him a sugar daddy because of how selfish he was. But he falls under the group of men I slept with not because I liked them, but I just knew that when we saw or had sex, I’d get some money from them but not a lot.
Things were going okay with this guy until we had sex one day and for some reason, this time was without condoms. I’d never had someone cum in me, so I never thought to ask if he had when we were done.
A month later, I noticed my breasts were increasing and I hadn’t seen my period. I remember sitting with my friend and doing the first test. It was positive and I was crying. My friend told me to do another one (we bought many) and it was the same thing.
I didn’t get an abortion till it was well into the third month, and that was the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life.
So sorry about that.
Thanks. It’s been some time since then. I didn’t see him again after the abortion. He was clearly a very irresponsible person.
Once I was done with uni, I started focusing on having casual sex with people I liked. I also started to try some things that I genuinely blame porn for.
Blame porn? How?
You know how you watch something and you think you might like that? Yeah, I tried a couple of these things, and now I’m going to list the ones that worked in real life and the ones that didn’t.
*opens note* I’m all ears.
I was watching lesbian porn when I figured, oh, I might like this. Then I actually tried it.
I was with this girl, and we were both drunk and I played with her clit and sucked her breasts, but when it was time to actually do anything that involved her vagina, I was suddenly not sure I wanted to. So that was the last time I tried that.
Then golden showers…
Like getting peed on?
Yeah, but not all over you like in porn. I no get mind like that yet. I asked him to pee on my leg. The entire time I didn’t quite get what was pleasurable about that, so I don’t think I’ll be trying the full thing anytime soon.
Orgies were on my list of things to try before but I don’t even know how the mechanics of that would work. I am not currently thinking too hard about it.
Then there’s this thing where I know I’m a sub but I really really want to try being a dom.
How did you find out you were a sub?
I can’t say for sure that I know when I discovered I was a submissive, but as far back as my first boyfriend, I really enjoyed degradation. Every single derogatory word you could think of. I like them. I enjoy being whipped and gagged and slapped. I may blame porn here too as well. Of course, I gravitated towards more submissive themes in the videos, and as I encountered new things, I found more stuff that I liked.
Point is, now I want to dom a man.
How come you haven’t?
I’ve not found a willing man o. Help me tell your people.
LMAO, no wahala. How would you rate your sex life over 10?
I’d say 7/10. It’s satisfactory. I have a couple of people that I have sex with from time to time, but my libido is not what it used to be anymore. When I was younger and just getting the hang of sex, I used to be horny 24/7. Now I only get horny when ovulation comes around.