Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 28-year-old heterosexual woman who says she met the love of her life while whoring through Lagos. She talks about ditching all her fuck buddies for him, and their penchant for adventure.
What was your first sexual experience?
I think I was six in Primary 1. One of my classmates, a girl, followed me into the bathroom when I went to pee, and she just kissed me. That was my first kiss, and I was very confused.
What happened after that?
A lot of assault. When I was seven, an uncle came to live with us. He would come into my room at night and do different things to me. This continued for about five or six years. He finally moved away when I was 12.
Masturbation was one of the ways I coped with the assault — I discovered it when I was about 10. Looking back, I realise it was more about stress relief for me than pleasure. I don’t think I even understood the concept of pleasure at the time.
I’m so sorry. When was your first consensual experience?
I was 12 or 13 in JSS 3, and I kissed this guy I had a crush on.
Nice. How was that?
LMAO. The kissed sucked ass. He didn’t actually like me; he liked my best friend, but I always do the most when I have a crush. I would do his homework for him and stuff like that. I think he ended up kissing me out of pity.
Immediately he did it, I realised I didn’t want pity kisses ever again. As if that wasn’t bad enough, we got caught by seniors while we were kissing, and they kept teasing us. It was embarrassing.
Yikes. Did you kiss again?
Nah. The aftermath was even more dramatic. His siblings found out about the kiss, and one by one, they all came to harass me, warning me to never go near their brother again. His elder sister said I was trying to make him a slut like I was.
Back then, I was known as the school ashewo even though I’d never done anything — you know how slut-shaming works. The whole drama turned me off him, so we never kissed again.
Honestly, secondary school wasn’t it for me at all. I didn’t have a good time.
That sounds awful. When did you have sex for the first time?
I was 20, in a university abroad, when the guy I was seeing was finally able to convince me to try sex. Before that, I had only been making out and giving blowjobs. That was initially the most I was willing to do. I really wanted sex to be on my own terms.
How was the sex though?
It wasn’t memorable. I loved him, so it made sense for him to be my first. I don’t think I was looking for something memorable at the time. I just wanted my introduction to sex to be as gentle, loving, slow, patient and safe as possible. He gave me that.
Then after we were done, I avoided him for like a month.
I knew he wanted a relationship. I loved him, but I wasn’t trying to be in a relationship. He finally caught me and convinced me to give us an actual shot. We were together for about a year.
Did the sex get more memorable in the relationship?
It got better. I liked having sex with him, but he wasn’t as into having sex with me. I threw myself into sex because I was just discovering it and really liked it, but he thought I was too into it. All that judgement ended up affecting our relationship.
What happened after him?
I had a lot of casual sex, trying to figure out what I liked. Then I entered my second serious relationship. The sex was mid because he wasn’t dedicated to pleasing me. My sex life wasn’t anything to write home about until I moved back to Lagos.
Oh? What happened when you moved back?
I wasn’t seeing my spec while schooling abroad, but Lagos has my spec everywhere. I had just broken up with my second boyfriend, so immediately I landed, I experimented and did whatever I wanted.
I was literally whoring my way through town, and that’s how I met the love of my life.
LMAO. What? How did that happen?
I used to sleep with his friend, but it was very casual — I didn’t want more at the time, and he was already in a relationship. His friend told him about me, and I guess he was intrigued because he followed me on Twitter.
After a few months, he entered my DMs. We chatted for a bit, exchanged numbers and spoke on the phone for hours. Three days after our first phone call, I drove all the way to his house, and we had sex.
How was the sex?
It was very, very good. I had been having sex with other people — I had a hoetation — but as soon as we had sex for the first time, I ended it with all my men. I had finally found what I’d been looking for.
Wow. You were that sure?
Yup. The one thing that stood out to me about the sex was how attentive he was. He is a very good listener, and out of all the people I’ve been with, I think he is the best listener. So, I knew I could sleep with him for the rest of my life.
We got married a little over a year after we met.
What has married sex been like?
It’s basically the same for us. Things only changed when we had kids. I really struggled with my sex drive, and that affected our sex life. He was patient and understanding during this time. He kept reassuring me that there was nothing wrong with me.
Thankfully, my sex drive eventually returned with a rush. Now, we are back to the way we were before. We have sex very often, and it somehow feels better than it was in the beginning. I guess it’s because we know our bodies better.
Have you tried anything to spice things up?
LMAO. To be honest, I don’t even know what spicing up a marriage means, but we’ve always been pretty sexually adventurous — we are up to try anything at least once. A while ago, we had a threesome with another guy, and I absolutely hated it.
Why did you hate it?
I wasn’t having that much fun, but the guy seemed to be having the time of his life. It was annoying. My sex drive was still low at the time, so I wasn’t in the right frame of mind. With my sex drive back up, we decided to try a threesome again.
How did it go the second time around?
It was still so mid. I actually caught my husband rolling his eye in the middle of it. Then when the guy left, and it was just the two of us, it was fantastic. I was like, “Yeah, maybe we should just stick to each other from now on.”
I can’t believe we are so compatible that it affects how we relate sexually with others.
So, no more group sex for you and your husband?
I don’t think so. I mean, there’s one couple we want to fuck. If they agree, then yes.
Fingers crossed then. What would you like your sex life to look like down the line?
I love how it is now, so I’d like more of the same, just with less fear and attachment to past trauma. Sometimes, it’s difficult to talk about the things I want to try with my husband because of how much assault clouds my sexual interactions.
If I can move past that, I think it would be great for both of us.
How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?
I would rate it a 10. We were made for each other.