Sex Life: “I Wasn’t Having Good Sex Until I Started Listening To My Partners”

October 9, 2021

Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 33-year-old heterosexual man who talks about getting into sex through porn, attending sex parties, learning to please his partners, and the time he slept with a man to experience a sexual awakening.

TW: Sexual Abuse

What was your first sexual experience?

I was 13. It was with a 16-year-old girl I knew at the time.

I had told her I was ready to have sex because I had watched a ton of porn that I got from the older people around me at the time. I was quiet and curious so they didn’t hide too much around me. I had also read many porn magazines and was genuinely fascinated by sex and thought that these images and videos were all I’d need to get the deed done. Boy, was I wrong.

The entire time I didn’t know what to do with my hands, or how the vagina worked, or even where to put my penis. I was clueless and strong-headed so even when she tried to show me things, I didn’t listen because I didn’t want to seem like I was new at it.

That was quite early. Did you try again?

Yes. For that, we’ll fast forward to age 15. There was this girl who was the first and only crush I’ve had. She was somewhere between 18 and 21. Following the disaster at 13, I tried to do a bit more research. I finally knew where my penis was supposed to go, and well, I put it there several times like I’d seen it done in porn. It was still very bad.

When I asked how it was, she said it wasn’t bad, but I thought she was patronising. I felt this strong urge to get better and prove myself to her.

Did you get to?

We tried again when I was 21. I had had sex with a lot of other people but I look back at the sex I was having then, and it was all so bad.

She was abroad, came into town and told me she wanted us to hang out. We got talking and decided to have sex again. And it was bad, again.

How come?

There wasn’t any communication about what we wanted, especially for her. Not before, not during. We didn’t say what we liked or didn’t like. We just had sex and moved it along. This is why I insist it was bad. It was the same going in and getting out that I had been doing with the other people I was having sex with, but this one sat with me because I really liked this woman.

I was able to pick up on a couple of things that she responded to, but ultimately we could have had a much better experience if we had just communicated.

So when would you say sex got better for you?

I was 25 and my friend invited me to a sex party. I don’t have sex at these parties. I’m a voyeur, so I just sit, usually dressed in black with a glass of whiskey in my hand and watch them go at it.

During this particular sex party, I was watching two people when this woman came, sat by me and we got talking. We were talking about people having sex and pointing out things. It was such a great conversation. I asked her why she wasn’t having sex like the others, and she said the room was too hot. In the end, we exchanged numbers and started texting. One day she just straight up asked me if I wanted to have sex. 

Did you?

Hell yeah. We already had great conversations. Sex was going to be a welcome addition. 

We planned a weekend, and for me, it was the first time somebody tried to teach me how to please her. It changed many things for me.

I knew people were different, but somehow I didn’t think to apply it to sex. She told me what she wanted me to do to her, where she wanted me to touch, how to respond to her touching me and also asked what I liked. I said, “Ah, anything,” and she laughed. It was at this point I figured I didn’t know what I liked.

So she took it upon herself to try a few new things with me that have now become things I like.

Care to run me through some of those things?

I mean, why else are we here?

First, she jerked me off. This one I was familiar with, but what was different was that she did it while maintaining eye contact with me. That thing fucked with my mind.

Then, she touched herself while making me watch and maintaining eye contact. This, of course, played into something I already mentioned I enjoyed — voyeurism.

When it came to sexual positions, she was very into missionary. People like to talk down on that position but those who know, know.

She talked me through that as well. Told me when to go slow and I listened. Then at some point, when she had had her fill with that, she told me to do whatever I wanted, and it definitely felt different because when I did what she said and went slowly, she got wetter with every thrust so when I started going faster, it just felt so much better.

This actually fits into the template of how I have sex now. Starting off slow, then building to a crescendo. But it also made me very curious about sex and getting better at it. Even more curious than I was when I was younger.

How curious would you say you were?

Extremely. I was always trying to understand sex. I remember finding a book that belonged to my aunty. It was a small book that had pictures of different sex positions. My aunty found me with it and quickly collected it. She asked me what I’d seen, and I told her it was people dancing. She explained that they were having sex but didn’t tell me much else.

As I grew up and saw more things and more positions, it got into my head that sex, something I’d believed was one way, could be done in very many ways. And while I did build this curiosity, I wasn’t having good sex until I started listening to my partners.

In your curiosity, what else have you given a try?

Well, there’s sex with multiple people. I should just start by saying, I don’t like it. I will always prefer having sex with one person. Here’s why:

The first time I had a threesome, it was with two women, and the entire time I felt like someone wasn’t getting enough attention. While I was having sex with one of them, it felt like the other was neglected. I got too in my head about it. They ended up making out with each other and I watched and jerked off to that.

When I tried a threesome with a guy and a girl, I’d say that was way better. In this one, the girl was getting so much attention. That was great because by this time I had become very particular about pleasing my partners in sex.

Anything else?

I was part of a pretty spontaneous gangbang. There were a few of us in the living room. One of the guys was with a girl, and they went into the bedroom. Next thing, another guy went in. One other guy came into the house and noticed that some people had left. He said, “Oh, it’s started?” And took off his shirt as he walked towards the bedroom. 

I joined them and it went great, but honestly, it just felt somehow.

Another time, I tried sex with one of my gay friends. He’d told me he wanted us to have sex, and at this point, I’d read something about not being fully sexually awakened until you sleep with someone of the same sex. So I said yes.

How did that go?

I’ll tell you, it was great for him. It was actually pretty good for me as well. I’d done anal before with a woman, but I generally don’t like it because of all the ways it can go wrong if not done properly. After we were done, he asked me the million-dollar question, “Would you do this again?” I said no. It wasn’t for me.

How would you rate your sex life?

I’d rate it a 10. Since I started having sex with women with whom I have a deep connection, I have been having amazing sex. I currently have about eight partners. We aren’t in any relationships; we just have great conversations and sex. This might actually be the reason I’m single; I’m having a lot of really good sex now.

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