Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 28-year-old pansexual man who went from attending sex parties every other weekend in America to going months without sex once he returned to Nigeria.
What was your first-ever sexual experience?
My first experience wasn’t consensual. I don’t remember the exact age, but I know I was younger than 11. I was abused by four different domestic staff in my house — three were male and one was female.
Both of my parents were working, so whenever I returned from school, it was just me and the help. They’d then grope and fondle me. There was a time my mum almost caught on, but I denied it. I still don’t know why I didn’t just tell her.
I’m really sorry. What was your first consensual experience?
I mean, I fooled around a bit with a few people, but I didn’t actually have full-on sex until I moved to America for university. I was 18, and it was with a guy who turned out to be married.
Oh? Before we unpack that, when did you realise you were into guys?
I think I always knew, but it became very obvious to me in secondary school. There was this game we used to play, hide-and-seek in the dark. I always used that as an opportunity to fool around with the guys I liked.
While I started out liking girls a lot more, my attraction to guys has gotten more intense the older I’ve gotten. Right now, I’d say I’m a lot more attracted to men than women.
All right. Back to the married guy in America. What happened?
It was horrible. I went on Craigslist, a website for classified ads, and went to the “men seeking men” section. I had never done anything like that before, and I still don’t know what made me go there in the first place.
Anyway, I found this guy and decided to meet up with him. He was a little far from where I was, so I took a taxi, which was expensive. Then when I got there, I realised he was basically a catfish — his pictures were intentionally deceptive.
You didn’t leave once you realised?
After that expensive trip? Nah. In my head, I was like, “I’m already here.” We ended up having sex. It wasn’t until we’d finished that I noticed his wedding ring. I felt so dirty. I took a two-hour shower as soon as I got home and swore I’d never have sex again.
I’m guessing that didn’t last long.
LMAO. After about two months, I was back on Craigslist. This time, I noticed a few parties that were being advertised. They looked pretty interesting, so I got an invite. I was shocked when I arrived.
It was a sex party, and at the time, I didn’t know those were a thing. The party was in a big, dark house, and people were having sex upstairs. I was so uncomfortable, I couldn’t bring myself to go up the stairs that first time.
The first time? You went again?
Oh yeah. For the next three years, attending sex parties became my thing. Since I wasn’t ready to be open about my attraction to guys, I used this underground way to explore and come to terms with my sexuality.
How often were you attending these parties?
At first, I was only going once a month, then after a while, it went up to almost every weekend. The parties started at 10 p.m. on Fridays and Saturdays, then ran till 6 a.m. the next day.
I used to try and trick myself by sleeping early so I wouldn’t be awake to go. It never worked. Somehow, I always woke up around 11 p.m. and then I’d be like, “Shit! I guess I have to go.”
LMAO. What actually went down at these parties?
First of all, they weren’t free. It cost me around $15 every time. At the door, you’d get a bag with a number and a matching wristband. You then had to put your clothes and phone in the bag before entering. You could only get them back when you were leaving.
The whole thing was surprisingly structured and organised.
What happened when you entered?
You got drinks and condoms once you came in, and the TVs downstairs would always be blasting porn. There was also food, but I don’t who goes to a sex party to eat. Once you’re ready to get into it, you go upstairs.
Upstairs was like a blackout room — you couldn’t really see anyone. There were usually around 20 to 30 people just going at it in the bedrooms and the hallway. People just fucked wherever they found space.
So, you couldn’t see the faces of the people you had sex with?
Rarely. Sometimes, if I was vibing with someone, based on great sex and a nice body, I’d take them downstairs and check out their faces with the brightness from the porn TVs, but for the most part, no, I couldn’t see the people I slept with.
You didn’t mind that?
I particularly liked the darkness because I wasn’t very confident in my sexuality or how I looked, so that gave me a safe space to explore. It was also very close to my campus, so once I was done, I’d just head back.
Were you actually enjoying all the sex?
Yeah. They were all nice experiences. I really enjoyed them.
All right. So, why did you stop going?
I came back to Lagos. There was never a period during my stay in America that I wasn’t attending sex parties. Maybe the frequency reduced sometimes, but I always went. Since I couldn’t date openly, this was my only outlet for sexual release.
Honestly, the only reason I stopped was because I had to leave.
How did your sex life change once you returned?
Obviously the sex parties stopped. I mean, I have zero intention of attending one in Lagos. That is never going to happen. I also moved back in with my parents, so that limited the freedom I have.
So, yeah, my sex life has been very inconsistent. There are times it gets pretty active, but for the most part, I often go for months without sex. I’m also not interested in hooking up with random people in Lagos.
I was cool with it in America because it was generally safer. While I haven’t had any bad experiences in Lagos, I’ve heard too many stories of queer people being robbed, extorted and blackmailed, so I try not to hook up with strangers.
I need to know you through a friend or at least have seen you around.
Fair. How have you adjusted to the drop in the frequency of sex?
It hasn’t been that difficult. This year was when I realised I could alternate between being very sexually active and simply watching Netflix. Honestly, I think Netlfix, food and sex are equally enjoyable to me.
As long as I can have one of those three, I’m good.
Since you’ve been back, what’s the longest you’ve gone without sex?
Six months — I was stuck at home with my parents during lockdown. It actually wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I mean, I was still watching porn and masturbating, but I didn’t feel like I was missing anything.
So, you don’t miss the sex parties?
LMAO. I miss it sometimes. I’m still on their mailing list, so I still get the invites, and that always makes me laugh. I feel like I’ve outgrown it, or maybe I’m just saying that because I haven’t had a chance to attend one in about five years. Who knows?
How is your relationship with your sexuality now?
There’s more clarity. When I was younger, I didn’t understand what I felt, but as I’ve gotten older, I’ve become more confident in who I am and what I like. It’s a great feeling.
Do you still hook up with women?
The last time I hooked up with a woman was four years ago — I met her at a party while I was still in America. I enjoyed it, but honestly, I don’t feel as connected to women as I used to.
How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?
It’s been good recently, so I’ll give it an 8. It’ll probably go up to 10 once I leave this country.
You plan on leaving again?
Yeah. In two or three years. I can’t live my best years in this place.