After 84 years of waiting, Stranger Things is finally back with a new season. The show continues to traumatise Mike, Lucas, Dustin, Will, Max, and Eleven as they fight monsters from the alternate dimension known as the Upside Down. While some adults are involved, it’s mainly the children in this craziness, and this had me thinking, “How would these kids react if they were Nigerian?” But most importantly, would the show last past the first season? Let’s get into it. 

1. All of them would’ve drank chilled Ribena and forgotten about Will.

Let’s start from the beginning. These kids heard their friend, Will, was missing, and their first instinct was to go and investigate?  Please, it can’t be Nigerian kids. We’ve been taught to mind our business and sit in one place, so doing an investigation — in the middle of the night, to make matters worse — is not in our blood. Even if it wasn’t monsters, what if he had been kidnapped by gbomogbomo? So they can kidnap me too? Adieu, Will. You will  always be in our hearts. 

2. Imagine seeing monsters and not telling your parents. 

Even as an adult, if I hear or see anything weird, God knows I’m calling my parents. So tell me why these dumb kids were busy fighting monsters by themselves. Oshey, PowerPuff Girls. If they were Nigerian kids, one of them would’ve straight-up snitched after their first encounter with a Demogorgon. They would’ve just spilled that tea like they were presenting NTA nine o’clock news. I lowkey feel it would’ve been Dustin sha. Something about him screams “Amebo” to me.  

3. Typical Nigerian parents would’ve called the kids detty liars and taken them for deliverance 

After one kid snitches, Nigerian parents would’ve opened WhatsApp to share a BC about how children of nowadays are being possessed by demons that came out of video games. Then they would dress all the kids  in satin, hold candles and proceed to flog the demons out. By the time the kids have each drank one litre of Goya olive oil, even the Demogorgon will think twice before touching the Lord’s anointed. 

4. Their Vecna song would’ve been Free Madness by Terry G

Everyone is obsessed with Kate Bush’s Running Up That Hill because it was Max’ Vecna song. But hear me out, isn’t Terry G’s Free Madness a much better song to play when releasing someone from a demon? The ginger from the song alone will confuse Vecna. Last last, Terry G’s hold on Nigerians > Vecna’s powers. 

5. Common entrance or Junior WAEC would’ve kept them busy 

It’s clear the kids on Stranger Things aren’t focused. How many times have we seen them reading or paying attention in class? Imagine having time to fight monsters when you have to write Common Entrance or Junior WAEC? Between those big ass past question textbooks, extra lessons, and all the house chores they’d still have to do, I bet Mike and the gang would be too preoccupied to be doing inspector work up and down. 

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6. Going out at night? It has to be crack 

Nigerian kids riding bicycles in the middle of the night? Yeah, that’s white people behaviour. Even as an adult, Nigerian parents will still drag you for coming home late, but these kids were strolling in the middle of the night like witches. It just has to be crack. It’s no wonder bad things keep happening to them. Next time, sit in your house and watch Tales by Moonlight

7. Imagine Mike talking back at a Nigerian parent. #RIP 

Every time Mike yelled at his mum or dad, I kept thinking, “This boy, just thank God, you’re in America.” A true Nigerian mother doesn’t have to beat you to restore your factory settings. Just one look from her and Mike will never open his mouth again. When you really think about it, Demogorgons have nothing on Nigerian parents, and kids know this. 

8. Max would’ve unfriended all the weirdos the minute they started talking about monsters

The fact that Max heard and saw all the bullshit these nerds were talking about and still decided to be their friend is beyond me. Girl, are you okay? A Nigerian girl would’ve unfriended and blocked them everywhere sharp sharp. Her warning would sound something like, “My mother sent me to school to read and write. Don’t bring that demon shit near me.”

9. Nigerian kids investigating and fighting Russians? I have to laugh 

Nigerian kids? Russians? Please, let’s be serious here. 

10. The show would’ve ended in season one because everyone would’ve moved from that demonic village 

The fact that it took Joyce three seasons to finally leave Hawkins is insane. She had to lose two boyfriends before she realised that the gate to the city was not made of cement. If Stranger Things was Nigerian, the kids would’ve snitched, and their parents would’ve immediately moved the family to a different city, #OperationJapa. Nigerians don’t play that type of rough play. You see a monster and still decide to stay?? Sounds like real clown shit to me. 

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Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.