I Compiled The Worst #IWD 2022 Messages From Nigerian Brands So You Don’t Have To

March 9, 2022

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I will be putting together a list of the worst International Women’s Day 2022 celebratory messages from Nigerian brands.

It’s that time of year again, when we as Nigerians on the internet put our differences aside and come together to drag all the Nigerians brands who put out unintentionally hilarious and mildly offensive International Women’s Day messages in failed attempts to be witty. Without foda ado, let’s…Fisayo Fosudo’s lawyers just broke down my door and are waving a cease & desist! skdhsjkhdjkhfk…!

ALAT

On the morning of International Women’s Day 2022, ALAT hit us with this; a video of a WhatsApp chat going on between two people. An unnamed person texts someone named Chris and after exchanging rushed pleasantries, the unnamed person asks Chris for a literal urgent 2k, adding, “Expecting something hooge soon.” Because this is totally how real people talk in private conversations and not a brand trying to pander to potential customers using currently popular slang. Chris is like, “Ugh. Whatever. Send your details” and then the camera pans up to reveal Chris’ full name.

Christie.

Because she’s a girl, and this entire thing has been a conversation between two girls (?) I don’t even know at this point.

The video ends with a shot of this message:

Do you get it? Because I sure as hell don’t. Please explain in the comments if you do.

First Bank

Everything that could go wrong with this message went wrong. First of all, they somehow found a way to put men front and center on International Women’s Day. Then there’s the #He4She hashtag, which reads like a dated insult probably directed Bobrisky that you’d find in the comment section of a gossip blog on Instagram. Then there’s the guy in the last picture, who was clearly about to hit a mean gbese just as his picture was taken.

My favourite part of First Bank’s message, though, is this reply that the social media manager tried to hide but only succeeded in drawing more attention to:

If you’re the person behind that Twitter account and you’re reading this, please DM me and tell me why you think this. Please tell me so I can find peace.

MeristemNG

Girl, what even is this supposed to mean? “A lion is as productive as she is fierce. Like a woman”? I feel like whoever came up with this has watched a little too much America’s Next Top Model or RuPaul’s Drag Race, because all the elements in this (the airbrushing, the lipstick art, the confusing message) make it look a challenge from either one of those shows gone terribly wrong.

Hypo

This one kills me because Hypo did not need to do this. They didn’t need to do anything at all. Have you ever heard anyone go, “Hmmm. Why didn’t Hypo put out an International Women’s Day message?” No, you haven’t. Because they constantly fly under the radar. That’s why it’s so funny that they chose this day of all days to pull an Icarus and fly headfirst into the sun. Wo for what? Wonderful.

REDWOI.F 

LMAO. I’m not even touching this one.

Wema

This image looks innocent enough, right? Well, when you zoom in on the card in her hand, you see this:

The name on the card says Emeka Ibrahim Adekunle.

Many people understandably took this to mean that the folks at Wema think that ‘women breaking the bias’ means having men foot the bill for everything so intense dragging commenced. A few hours later, Wema responded to the controversy with this:

The public’s reaction to this can summed up with the following GIF:

And I get it. Because shalaye’ing like this just makes things worse.

Honestly, I think more brands should learn from Sterling Bank, who decided to keep it short and cute by posting this:

The folks at Sterling said, “Alexa. Play ‘No More Drama’ by Mary J. Blige.”


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