I Read That Book That Says Football Is A Demonic Sport So You Don’t Have To

September 27, 2019

23rd of September 2019 was the day I saw it for the first time. The book, –written by a woman who claims to have served Satan in the kingdom of darkness for 990 years – about how football is a demonic game.

I saw it in a tweet by Twitter user @alexlobaloba.

After laughing for 10 minutes straight at the thought of a human interning with the devil for almost a millennium only to leave and attempt to secure a major bag by writing a tell-all book, I went looking for the book and found it.

Because I’m a cat whose throat curiosity is going to violently slit one day, I went a-reading and let me tell you, with all the knowledge I currently possess, I feel like Indiana Jones must’ve felt after finding concrete proof of the supernatural. Except that in my case, the knowledge I found is clearly made up bullshit.

Let’s get into it.

The book’s author.

The author’s bio describes Fumilayo Adebayo as a seasoned evangelist and gifted writer with an uncommon passion for soul-winning. Which is exactly how Pennywise (the demon clown from the movie IT) would be described if he ever took a break from eating children to write a book.

The book’s synopsis vaguely talks about how Satan hates mankind SO MUCH he invented football as a way to destroy us.

THE PREFACE

Using bible verses, she tells us that we have to believe everything she says unless we’ll die a terrible death and go to hell. Encountering thinly-veiled threats so early in the book shook me but I carried on because I like trash.

CHAPTER 1: A Worldy Concept

She talks about how God is currently concerned about the few remaining people on Earth who are loyal. She says this immediately after saying this:

So which is it, Evangelist??

She says that Satan creates cool gadgets (smartphones) to make Earth more attractive and comfortable for mankind so we’ll forget about God. She also says humanity has a choice to make: To set your affection for heavenly things and make heaven at last, or to set your affection on earthly things (football) and perish with the world.

CHAPTER 2: The Satanic Agenda

She starts by saying football was invented by the antichrist with the intent to destroy man, and that engaging with football in any way, registers you as a member of the antichrist’s kingdom. She then goes on to explain who the antichrist is and all the terrible stuff that’s going to happen when he shows up. Basically, she just copies and pastes a lot of passages from the book of Revelations.

CHAPTER 3: Origin Of Football

It’s in this chapter that she starts telling us what we really want to hear. She says we can believe everything she’s saying because she spent 990 years gaining work experience in the underworld. She then explains how she earned a seat on the Executive Member Council of the Kingdom of Darkness (the controlling arm of hell) with just her intelligence, dedication, and competence.

The wildest thing she reveals in this chapter is that the antichrist’s top representative is a SOUTH KOREAN REVEREND (which, in my opinion, is just hella racist) who stood in for the antichrist at all the executive council meetings she attended.

At this point, I imagined everyone at the meeting going “rabble! rabble!! rabble!!!” in South Park style.
I don’t know about you but if billions of people suddenly vanished, the last thing that would be on my mind is watching the world cup final. Again, that’s just me sha.

I would like to take a break here to show you a popup ad that attacked me the entire time I was on the site.

Now that we’ve all seen that, let’s continue.

CHAPTER 4: The God of Football

According to Evang Fumilayo Adebayo, the deity depicted in the image below is the satanic spirit known as the god of soccer.

Is that a tiny transistor radio in one of his hands?

She claims that he’s super popular in Brazil and has a temple there where he’s worshipped. Here’s what I found when I googled “god of soccer”:

She also says this:

The last paragraph of the chapter made my head spin.

Girl, what??

CHAPTER 5: Football is Idolatry

” Any personality, concept you give the honour and affection you are supposed to give to God is your idol. The game of football is idolatry because it takes the place of God in the heart of men.” – Evang Fumilayo Adebayo.

She also accuses 69% of the Swedish female football team of being Lesbians who engage in orgies with each other whenever they convene. I don’t know where she got her stats from but the fact that she landed on the number 69 made me LMFAO.

CHAPTER 6: Sorcery in Football

She claims that players engage in sorcery and animal sacrifices in order to improve their skills and become stars. According to her, ALL football players will end up in hell along with their supporters (because they’re supporting sorcery by proxy). She proceeds to make a ton of bogus claims like how the Cameroonian footballer, Marc-Vivien Foé, who died during a match, is in hell because his skills were given to him by the Queen of the Coast and he didn’t honour his end of the deal by sacrificing his mother.

Here’s some other stuff she claims she saw:

Oh, look. She dragged Osiris into this.

CHAPTER 7: Homosexuality In Soccer

She once again makes the claim that MOST male and female footballers are gay, using an image of two male footballers kissing on the field as proof.

That’s the chapter.

CHAPTER 8: Promoting Football

In this chapter, she rants about how if you have literally ANYTHING to do football (play, promote, sponsor, do business with, buy merch), you’re being fed with curses daily by the evil god of soccer.

That’s the chapter.

CHAPTER 9: Consequences Of Involvement In Football

According to her, the consequences of so much as looking at a football are enmity with God, Initiation into the antichrist’s kingdom, being possessed by the beast, and becoming an agent of destruction.

That’s the chapter.

This is where I stopped reading and came to the realization that this entire “book” could’ve been a one-paged pamphlet. She repeats herself so many times that I had to make sure I wasn’t trapped in a Groundhog Day situation.

CHAPTER 10: The Remedy

Ready to repent from the sin of…football and remove your name from the book of death? In the last chapter of the batshit book, Evang Fumilayo Adebayo says to follow these steps:

  • Repent
  • Destroy images of the beast (i.e. that cool, expensive Nigerian jersey you bought during last year’s world cup and the giant poster of Messi you have hanging above your bed).
  • Preach against football EVERYWHERE YOU GO so as to rectify the damage caused by all your years of supporting the evil game.
  • Maintain this new life of constant holiness by being prayerful. Lest the devil return for your soul.

Then like an aspiring rapper on Twitter who somehow managed to make a viral tweet, she ends the book with a not-so-subtle ad for her FIVE CD series titled 990 Years Experience in the Kingdom of Darkness: A must-listen for every believer and unbeliever. So…everyone.

Here’s a list of questions this book left me with:

  • If she served for 990 years and is just 49 years old in human years (I saw a souvenir she made for her 47th birthday celebration in 2017), how does time work in hell?
  • Did she lie about being a gifted writer or does she really not know how terrible her writing is?
  • Why is the antichrist fine with being inaugurated as the world president during the world cup final? Why can’t he just have a special occasion?
  • Does she really expect us to believe that she served on the executive council of hell and was privy to super-secret evil info but they just let her LEAVE AND WRITE A BOOK ABOUT EVERYTHING?
  • Why did the council act surprised when the antichrist insisted that the world must become one before he becomes the supreme ruler? Everyone knows this. It’s in Revelations.
  • IS SHE FUCKING SERIOUS OR IS THIS AN ELABORATE PRANK?

That’s it. I’m done.

Check back every Friday for more So You Don’t Have To insanity.

Click here to read other entries in the So You Don’t Have To series.


Astor George

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