Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I’ve now decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find books just as batshit as that one and recap them for your pleasure.
Today’s book is titled, “The Evil Effects Of Oral Sex In Christian Relationships”.
With a cover like this, I’m no longer sure if this a book about the sinfulness of oral sex or the deliciousness of foot fetishism.
The book starts off defining oral sex as improper use of the body, which is putting it mildly but you know, whatever. It says our bodies are temples of the Lord which means that we’re not supposed to violate ours (or anyone else’s) by using body parts for what God never intended.
What follows is this list:
- Eyes for a definite purpose for sight.
- Nose for perceiving odour and breath.
- Ears for the sense of hearing.
- Hands and legs for general operations.
- Mouth specifically for eating and communication
- Tongue for the sense of taste.
At this point, I was just like:
How else would I know what my ears were for?
The book goes on to state that God carved out (ouch) the genitals for definite purposes:
- The Penis (for urination and sex)
- The Vagina (for urination, sex, and childbirth)
- The anus (for defecation)
The fact that whoever wrote this book thinks that women pee out of their vaginas is killing me. Then there’s the fact that the anus is listed as a genital.
But I don’t have all day so let’s move on.
The book uses more paragraphs than it needs to explain that God designed sex to be enjoyed the way he intended, which means that any deviation from his design falls in the realm of sexual perversion. There’s also a line about how regular penetrative sex (penis to the vagina) is sexual intercourse and literally anything else counts as a sexual act.
Then there was this:
Girl 1: “Where you going, girl?”
Girl 2; “Just over to Daquan’s house to soak some dick.”
If you’re wondering why the writer is so gung-ho about masturbation being a terrible thing, click here to read about the book I once recapped about the spiritual mystery and danger of masturbation.
The writer goes on a long rant about how oral sex is a sin of lust, not love, and is also a gateway act to exploring other perverted forms of sexual release like (and I’m quoting the book verbatim with these examples): sex toys, vibrators, internet sex, fantasy, sex videos, masturbation, pornography etc.
You know what? Forget it.
According to this book, opening Pandora’s Box of Perverted Sexual Delights™️ in a marriage will lead to sexual bondage: a stage where a person becomes addicted to sex. Not just regular vanilla sex, but messed up nipple-clamping-anal-fisting-candle-wax-on-the-scrotum type of sex. Once one gets to this point, they get trapped in a vicious cycle of unsatisfying sexual sessions with their partner. “Mutual love is gone and fleshy sex has taken over.”
I can’t be the only one that expected the backdoor to be the anus.
At this point, the writer implies that the real reason people don’t go about talking about their sex lives to everyone that’ll listen is that the devil convinced them not to. Here’s the devil’s reason for doing this:
Now, the writer is sure to explain that foreplay isn’t forbidden in Christian marriages. In a chapter named “The Art Of Romancing In Marriage”, it is explained how Christian foreplay works:
What I love the most about this book is how the writer comes off like some kind of Artificial Intelligence created by the same people that write the scripts for Mount Zion’s Cinematic Universe. After the explanation above, he says that during coitus, couples are allowed to get each other “activated” for sexual intercourse by kissing mouth to mouth (NOT MOUTH TO GENITALS) and rubbing of the body’s sensitive parts (neck and chest/breast).
After this, the writer proceeds to drop what I consider to be the funniest line I’ve come across since I started recapping books like this. He makes a statement about how one should be able to praise God in all situations and he is convinced that praising God is impossible during oral sex.
The book ends with a question I’m convinced will haunt me for the rest of my life.
WHAT THE HELL IS NASAL SEX? YOU GUYS, WHAT THE HELL IS NASAL SEX???!
The entire time I was reading this, I kept waiting for the writer to address the effects of oral sex in regular relationships but he never did. Then I remembered that this brand of Christianity doesn’t acknowledge dating.
Anyway, here’s a shorter summary of the book using one meme:
Check back every Friday at 6 PM for more So You Don’t Have To insanity.
Click here to read other entries in the So You Don’t Have To series.
Click here to read about the book I once recapped about the spiritual mystery and danger of masturbation.
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