Understanding the Mystery & Dangers Of Masturbation According To This Insane Book

March 21, 2020

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled, “Understanding The Mystery And Dangers Of Masturbation”.

Image result for masturbation a sin

Why does he look like he’s in so much pain? Is he using Aboniki as a lubricant? What is happening?

With no introduction whatsoever, the author just kinda hits you in the face with the book’s main ideology. In the first damn line, he tells you that masturbation is the act of having sexual intercourse with demons and getting them pregnant/getting impregnated by them.

Also, the thought of all those half-human, half-demon spawn running around without parents makes me sad.

He goes on to say that victims of masturbation usually get into the act via the influence of a friend, erotic magazine, porn video, images, television programs, or demonic evil voice. All these terms immediately let me know that this book was written by a person who’s not in tune with modern-day slang. Like, can you imagine walking into an XXX shop and casually asking for an erotic magazine? Lol

Also, did anyone reading get the encouragement to masturbate for the first time from a disembodied demonic voice? I’m seriously asking. If you did, indicate in the comments because chile…wtf.

The author defines masturbation one more time as a way of defiling oneself, an act through which a wide variety of spiritual curses get injected into the masturbator. Oh, yes. According to this book, masturbation is the cause of a ton of human problems like stagnancy, backwardness, financial wreckage, and failure in the works of one’s hands. It also opens the destiny of the perpetrator to attacks from the spiritual realm.

Here’s an image I made that perfectly describes that last line:

He also says that the reason chronic masturbators find it difficult to stop the act is because of the Masturbation Demon, an ancient evil being who’s too legit in this sexual temptation business to quit (i.e just abandon a victim). If you’re wondering who assigned this demon this task, the author tells us. It’s none other than the QUEEN OF THE COAST!

Remember her? I once recapped a book for this series containing her terrible plans for Christians and humans in general. Click here to read that article.

The author posits that the dangers of masturbation have the following severe effects on the human body:

  • Loss of memory
  • Loss of focus
  • Urinating sperm (wot??)
  • Wet dreams
  • Fatigue
  • Blurry vision

HOW DOES ONE OVERCOME THE DANGERS OF MASTURBATION?

1) Convert to Christ: Locate a genuine bible-believing church and, in great detail, loudly confess your sexual immoral sins to everyone present. Get baptized and make sure it happens in a flowing river, not a swimming pool. Because a baptism in a swimming pool would just be you soaking in a lukewarm broth of your own sins.

2) Guard your eyes: Be careful what you look at. As a man, NEVER look at a woman twice. Get rid of every worldly piece of media around you. Cut off worldly friends and refrain from the pointless act of dating. Engage in church activities to occupy your mind.

3) Control your thoughts: Constantly fill your mind with God’s words, hymns, etc. And when the author says constantly, he means CONSTANTLY. Read this:

Did he just refer to wanting to get educated, married, and owning a house as pointless desires?

Girl, bye.


Check back every Friday at 6 PM for more So You Don’t Have To insanity.

Click here to read other entries in the So You Don’t Have To series.



Click here to read all about the Queen of the Coast. Trust me when I say that this is stuff you want to know.

Astor George

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

Watch

Now on Zikoko

November 26, 2020

With the way Nigeria is hot, you’d think Hell was full so they brought some of the fire here. Since people have been complaining of the heat, we decided to tell you seven ways you can stay cool. 1) Become a rainmaker You think it’s a joke, but once you become a rainmaker you can […]

November 26, 2020

You are wondering when God will finally answer your prayers and you will japa? Then take this quiz so we can tell you the exact year your travelling dreams will actualise. Please, give us your monies

Recommended Quizzes

April 14, 2020

Every friend group consists of very different and specific characters — from the parent to the fun one — and it can be a little tough figuring out where you fall. So, we’ve created a quiz that lets you know exactly what kind of friend you are. Take to find out:

October 10, 2019

2019 is certainly Burna Boy’s year, but, if we are being honest, so was 2018. Since his transcendent mixtape, Outside, the afro-fusion star has refused to get his foot of our necks — dropping a string of fantastic singles and then capping it all off with his career-best album, African Giant.  So, in a bid […]

November 11, 2019

Today, we are going to be using your taste in music to determine how good you actually are in bed. All you need to do is create the ultimate Nigerian hit — from the lead artist to the producer — and we’ll tell you if all your partners leave satisfied, or if you are just […]

November 1, 2019

Twitter is buzzing right now, bringing a new conversation to the concept of cool vs not-so-cool, especially in relationships. If you’ve been thinking about how much of a red flag you are, why don’t you let this quiz help you decide once and for all?

February 26, 2020

Are you all set for marriage, or are you still figuring it out? Well, if you’re curious to know the answer, then this is the quiz for you. All you have to do is create your own ideal Nollywood wedding film, and we’ll tell you if you’re ready to say “I do”. Go ahead:

More from So You Don't Have To

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.
February 6, 2020
Who doesn't want to find love? In our bid to help, we paired up a bunch of single Nigerians, sending them on an all-expense paid date, and interviewing them before and after they met.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X