Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today’s book is titled, “Understanding The Mystery And Dangers Of Masturbation”.
Why does he look like he’s in so much pain? Is he using Aboniki as a lubricant? What is happening?
With no introduction whatsoever, the author just kinda hits you in the face with the book’s main ideology. In the first damn line, he tells you that masturbation is the act of having sexual intercourse with demons and getting them pregnant/getting impregnated by them.
Also, the thought of all those half-human, half-demon spawn running around without parents makes me sad.
He goes on to say that victims of masturbation usually get into the act via the influence of a friend, erotic magazine, porn video, images, television programs, or demonic evil voice. All these terms immediately let me know that this book was written by a person who’s not in tune with modern-day slang. Like, can you imagine walking into an XXX shop and casually asking for an erotic magazine? Lol
Also, did anyone reading get the encouragement to masturbate for the first time from a disembodied demonic voice? I’m seriously asking. If you did, indicate in the comments because chile…wtf.
The author defines masturbation one more time as a way of defiling oneself, an act through which a wide variety of spiritual curses get injected into the masturbator. Oh, yes. According to this book, masturbation is the cause of a ton of human problems like stagnancy, backwardness, financial wreckage, and failure in the works of one’s hands. It also opens the destiny of the perpetrator to attacks from the spiritual realm.
Here’s an image I made that perfectly describes that last line:
He also says that the reason chronic masturbators find it difficult to stop the act is because of the Masturbation Demon, an ancient evil being who’s too legit in this sexual temptation business to quit (i.e just abandon a victim). If you’re wondering who assigned this demon this task, the author tells us. It’s none other than the QUEEN OF THE COAST!
Remember her? I once recapped a book for this series containing her terrible plans for Christians and humans in general. Click here to read that article.
The author posits that the dangers of masturbation have the following severe effects on the human body:
- Loss of memory
- Loss of focus
- Urinating sperm (wot??)
- Wet dreams
- Blurry vision
- Barrenness (caused by the masturbator’s hell-assigned spiritual spouse).
HOW DOES ONE OVERCOME THE DANGERS OF MASTURBATION?
1) Convert to Christ: Locate a genuine bible-believing church and, in great detail, loudly confess your sexual immoral sins to everyone present. Get baptized and make sure it happens in a flowing river, not a swimming pool. Because a baptism in a swimming pool would just be you soaking in a lukewarm broth of your own sins.
2) Guard your eyes: Be careful what you look at. As a man, NEVER look at a woman twice. Get rid of every worldly piece of media around you. Cut off worldly friends and refrain from the pointless act of dating. Engage in church activities to occupy your mind.
3) Control your thoughts: Constantly fill your mind with God’s words, hymns, etc. And when the author says constantly, he means CONSTANTLY. Read this:
Did he just refer to wanting to get educated, married, and owning a house as pointless desires?
Check back every Friday for more So You Don’t Have To insanity.
Click here to read other entries in the So You Don’t Have To series.
Click here to read all about the Queen of the Coast. Trust me when I say that this is stuff you want to know.