Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today, I’ll be recapping the 2002 Nollywood movie, “Sharon Stone.”
That tagline is killing me.
Back in the early 2000s, I imagine that a Nollywood producer saw the Hollywood movie “Basic Instinct” starring Sharon Stone and said, “You know what would make a lot of money? A Nigerian movie based on the notoriety Sharon Stone gained for her role in ‘Basic Instinct.’ The main character’s name will be Sharon, and even though her last name won’t be Stone, I’ll name the movie ‘Sharon Stone.’ What does the real Sharon Stone want to do? Sue me? Someone get Genevieve on the phone, tell her…”
So here we are 19 years later.
The movie starts with Sharon (Genevieve Nnaji) and her boyfriend, Henry, having a fight. Sharon is leaving his house angrily because he has confronted her with cheating allegations.
Henry decides that he doesn’t want to put up with Sharon’s shit anymore so he drives her home and breaks up with her, asking her to return all the things he’s bought her. In retaliation, Sharon tosses all his things on the road and very loudly calls him poor.
Sharon’s best friend and housemate, Kate (Steph-Nora Okere), hears the noise and comes out to find out what the fuck is going on. Sharon complains that she broke up with Henry because he accused her of cheating. When Kate points out that Sharon has indeed been cheating, Sharon admits but says Henry definitely has no proof because she covers her cheating tracks well. Kate is just like:
Even though Sharon has a steady boyfriend in school named Dallas (Emeka Eyiocha), she’s also bumping genitals with a rich older man named Chief Uche (Peter Bruno). One day while she’s hanging out with Dallas in front of her house…
…when Chief Uche shows up, forcing Sharon to think on her feet.
And when Chief Uche asks who the guy she was hanging out with is, she says:
Chief Uche is like:
But he ultimately buys her story. While Sharon is busy juggling men, her friend, Kate, is being cheated on. Kate goes to visit her boyfriend, Kalu and finds him in bed with another woman.
Kate returns home crying, and when Sharon finds out what has happened, she does this”
Then she explains why she operates the way she does:
Sharon gets word that the brother of an old secondary schoolmate named Tony (Kunle Coker) is now a Colonel in the army and is doing pretty well for himself so she decides to add a third man to her roster and sets her sights on him. She goes to visit the old secondary school friend and uses that as an excuse to get close to Tony.
Her plan works and not long after, they’re at a restaurant doing this:
Sharon’s exploits reach a fever pitch when she’s forced to have sex with all three of her boyfriends in one day just to keep them from finding out about each other. To avoid the boyfriends clashing, she later starts a fight with Dallas so he won’t come for her birthday party and convinces Chief Uche to travel out of the country so only Tony will attend.
Dallas eventually finds out that Sharon has been playing him and goes to her house to yell at her. Sharon attempts to shout her way out of the situation, and when that doesn’t work because Dallas is super pissed, she locks herself inside the house and calls Chief Uche to come with the police, claiming that the president of her department (a call back to her earlier lie) is trying to rape her.
This is where things become truly chaotic.
Chief Uche puts Dallas in prison for days and refuses to let him go. Sharon worries that if Dallas dies there, his blood will be on her hands. So she goes to Tony (who is a colonel in the army) and claims that Dallas is her cousin who is being detained illegally by a man (Chief Uche) trying to steal Dallas’ wife. Tony sends some soldiers to bring Chief Uche to the barracks to be beaten. During the interrogation, both Tony and Chief Uche find out that they’ve been bamboozled.
They bring Dallas in together and they all put the pieces together. They hatch a plan to screw Sharon over. Tony meets with Sharon and says he forgives her, asking for her hand in marriage so they can fly to the United States and live happily ever after. Sharon sees this as an opportunity to avoid all the other men she’s deceived so she says yes.
Fast forward to the wedding and Tony never shows up at the church. Sharon goes to his house to find out what has happened and she meets Tony, Dallas, and Chief Uche drinking beer and playing Checkers. They all turn to look at her, decked in her incredibly early 2000s wedding dress and do this:
Sharon can’t stand the humiliation and passes out. The men don’t even bother to check if she’s ok. They just go back to playing their game.
Check back every Friday for more So You Don’t Have To insanity.
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