Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today, I will be recapping the first episode of the second season of “Assistant Madams.”
This obviously haphazardly put together poster is making me lose my mind.
“Assistant Madams” premiered on RedTv’s YouTube channel on the 15th of January 2020. The first season follows the lives of three hustling ladies, played Sophie Alakija, Osas Ighodaro, and Tana Egbo-Adelana, who are hell-bent on living their best lives at any cost, one married man at a time. Even though the plot wasn’t groundbreaking, it sounded fun, everyone flocked to watch it.
And it sucked.
The entire first season was critically panned so I assumed that would be the end. Well, file this one under life proving to me that I know nothing because the second season just premiered. I decided to see if the show had gotten better by watching the first episode and I’m disappointed to announce that it hasn’t.
It’s somehow gotten worse.
The show starts with Osas Ighodaro (who played the role of Chioma in the first season) giving us the worst voice-over narration I have ever heard. She introduces us to this season’s Assistant Madams, starting with a girl named Lulu (Dillish Matthews). In her first scene, Lulu is shown talking to her mother on the phone. Even though she states in the conversation that it’s super early in the morning and she’s only just woken up, she’s wearing a Diana Ross wig and her face is BEAT FOR THE GODS.
Things take a turn for the disgustingly horrifying when the call ends and it’s revealed that the entire time she’s been on the phone, her boyfriend named Priye (Mawuli Gavor) has been violently eating her hairy snail.
Next, we’re introduced to Cassie (Cee C), who is saddled with a fuck buddy named Tochi (Eso Dike). In her first scene, she’s just finished a genital meet & greet with Tochi and is trying to take a nap (with a full face of makeup and wig) when she opens her eyes to find him taking pictures of her. Cassie is understandably creeped out by this and is like:
It’s revealed, through exposition-laden dialogue, that they used to date but Cassie broke up with him six months and three weeks prior to the start of the series for being a clingy creep. Yes, six months and three weeks. I wasn’t joking when I said their interaction was exposition-heavy. He’s so much of a creep that when she storms off angrily, he sniffs her underwear and then takes a picture with it.
The next Assistant Madam is Amira (Salma Mumin). She’s a digital media consultant who has decided to supplement her income by dating a rich man named Chief Adeniyi (Femi Branch). Here’s what’s happening the first time we see them:
We’re later introduced to Demide (Demola Adedoyin), Chief Adeniyi’s son and Amira’s former best friend. Demide despises Amira for dating his father and never tries to hide it.
We’re shown the series’ opening sequence and it’s just a minute-long clip of the cast twirling and smiling in a poorly lit studio while their names pop up on the screen in an illegible font that looks like it was written by a stressed-out chicken. I dare you to decipher what this says without googling.
It doesn’t count if you already knew the actress’ name.
We get back to the show and it’s the morning of Lulu’s birthday. Priye gives her a diamond necklace as a birthday present, which she loves but angrily tosses in his face, saying that what she really wants for her birthday is for him to make their relationship official. Priye sweet-talks his way out of having the conversation by sucking on her lips.
Unsurprisingly, all the Assistant Madams are friends and gather for Lulu’s birthday party i.e the most unconvincingly staged party ever put on film. It’s strange because unlike a lot of Nollywood productions, the extras at this party did an amazing job. It was just weirdly filmed. Anyway, we find out at this party that Lulu’s boyfriend, Priye, is the husband of her best friend, Nana (Joselyn Dumas). Priye comes to pick Nana up from the party and he and Lulu pretend not to know each other.
Cassie is having a drink by herself at Mykonos On The Roof (come through, paid partnership!) when Tochi shows up acting normal but quickly devolves into his trademark creepiness. A guy named Osaze (Timini Egbuson) comes to her rescue and they have a flirtatious conversation that’s really only in the script to pad out the episode’s run time.
Lulu goes over to Nana’s house for a special birthday dinner where this happens:
We cut to Amira and Demide. Chief Adeniyi has given Amira a digital advertising gig for his company and she has to work with Demide on it because he’s the company’s General Manager. After a short conversation where Demide acknowledges that he misses the friendship they had before Amira started bumping genitals with his father, they start having sex and the episode ends.
There you have it, folks. If you were intrigued by this episode and you want to see more, go watch the rest yourself because I am done.