Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today I’ll be finishing what I started last week by recapping the final movie in the ‘Diamond Ring’ saga.
This tagline is awful.
If you’re coming across the SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO series for the first time or didn’t read last week’s entry, you’ll need to catch up on that. Here’s the link:
Read it then return to this. Or just read this if you like chaos and confusion.
Unlike most Nollywood movies from that era, ‘Diamond Ring 2’ doesn’t start with the scene the previous movie ended with. While the first movie ends with Ghost Liz Benson appearing in Chidi’s family house, fucking up their light bulbs, and giving them 8 days to return her ring, this movie starts a day later, with Dike, Chidi’s dad, at the joint Chidi sold the ring. A joint hilariously named The Drug Joint.
Did you think I was joking?
Dike is there to get the hotel address of Robert, the white building contractor who bought the ring from Chidi. While standing in a corner and trying not to draw attention to himself, even though he’s wearing a giant white agbada, a girl at the joint attempts to sex him up in broad daylight.
Dike is horrified by this brazen hussy and pushes her away. This pisses her off so much she grabs and squeezes his balls in retaliation.
Dike is rescued by the owner of the bar who asks for money before giving up the info. Dike and Ijeoma (Chidi’s mother) go to the hotel and are told that Robert has returned to London. Determined to save his son’s life, Dike flies to London, dressed in an agbada so insane it would make Kermit the Frog scream, “Wetin be dis??”
Who was the costume designer for this movie??
When he gets to London, it’s 5 days to the deadline Ghost Liz Benson gave them. He calls Robert but finds out Robert won’t be available for the next 2 days. When Dike does meet Robert, he tells Robert the whole story and Robert is like:
And I don’t blame him tbh. Would YOU believe such a story if you were in his shoes?
Robert empathises with Dike but informs him that he doesn’t have the ring anymore. He says he gave it to his girlfriend, Leigh, who he’s no longer with. Dike begs Robert to go get the ring from Leigh but Robert is like “Fuck no” because he’s scared of Leigh’s new husband. He eventually agrees to go as long as Dike goes with him.
When they get to Leigh’s house and explain why they’re there, she is furious.
Leigh agrees to give it back because just like all the people who benefitted in some way from the stuff stolen from Ghost Liz Benson, her life has become incredibly shitty. While she’s searching for it, her husband — who looks like discount Louis C. K — returns home from work. When he walks into the house and sees Robert, he asks:
Then he turns to Dike and adds:
That line made me go:
I get this was 1998 but still.
Discount Louis C. K beats the shit out of Dike and Robert and throws them out of the house. Leigh comes outside to accuse Robert of being a coke head one last time and angrily throws the ring into traffic.
After witnessing their story, it made me sad that Robert and Leigh never got a spin-off movie/series. I would’ve watched the hell out of that.
Dike returns to Nigeria with the ring and finds out that Chidi’s illness has worsened. Thinking their troubles are over, they summon Ghost Liz Benson to return the ring. She complains about her casket being stolen and demands to be re-buried with decency. Aunty (Chidi’s aunty who the writers legit didn’t give a name) informs Ghost Liz Benson that a different set of people stole her casket but Ghost Liz Benson is like:
She lets them know that her casket has been used to bury someone she hates in Ado Ekiti. She also tells instructs them to find her children and have them present at her new burial. She gives them only 24 HOURS to do all this and then she disappears. Dike sits in a chair and once again contemplates whooping Chidi’s ass for stressing the entire family out like this.
That’s the same question I’ve asked many times in the past.
Dike and Aunty set off to Ado Ekiti to retrieve the damn casket. With the help of Aunty’s mutant-style powers — which have conveniently evolved to include mind control — they’re able to get people to dig up the casket, toss the body inside aside like a rag doll, and transport the casket to Lagos. Here’s a rundown of the shit they go through during all this:
They get stopped by the police:
One of the truck’s tyres falls off:
The truck breaks down:
Causing them to switch trucks:
They get stuck in traffic:
Then they meet the guy in charge of Ikoyi Cemetery (where Ghost Liz Benson was buried) and he tells them a load of shit.
They solve all these problems with the power of money and Aunty’s mutant abilities. Dike and Aunty go to tell Ghost Liz Benson’s kids that she wants to see them but they all laugh and accuse Dike of being a ritualist. Aunty decides that she’s had enough of their bullshit and uses her mind control powers to get them to the cemetery. When they summon Ghost Liz Benson, she shows up and is like:
Like she wasn’t the one who didn’t sent them to do shit.
After being told that all her instructions have been carried out, Ghost Liz Benson drags EVERY SINGLE PERSON present. She drags her kids for being greedy and never caring about her, which explains why her tomb was robbed and they had no idea until Dike told them. She lets them know that she sees the shit they do, hears all the shit they say about her, and warns them to stop being ungrateful pieces of shit.
The kids are like:
She turns to Dike & Ijeoma and insults the hell out of them for being shitty parents who think throwing money at their kids substitutes for actual parenting. She restores Chidi (who hasn’t said a single word this entire movie) back to health and is like:
Me after watching this:
Check back every Friday at 6 PM for more So You Don’t Have To insanity.
Click here to read other entries in the So You Don’t Have To series.
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