I Watched The Movie “Beyonce & Rihanna” So You Don’t Have To

October 29, 2021

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today I will be recapping the super chaotic 2008 Nollywood movie, “Beyonce & Rihanna”

Beyonce & Rihanna nollywood

Get a load of those outfits. The insane 2000s fashion energy is strong with this one.

The drugs going around Nollywood in 2008 must’ve been cheap as hell because a movie executive most likely in the middle of a three-day-long cocaine bender sat down and decided to make FOUR movies about the ‘Beyonce and Rihanna fighting over Jay Z‘ rumours. I hope that that movie executive eventually went to rehab and got the help they needed but I’m also grateful to them for creating the batshit franchise that is “Beyonce & Rihanna.”

The movie starts with Jay (Jim Iyke), a music producer auditioning two female singers in his home. His girlfriend, Bernice (Nadia Buari), shows up looking like a Mount Zion movie university cult member and throws the girls out because she believes they have plans to sleep with Jay.

Bernice is terrified that Jay is going to cheat on her with one (or all) of the many aspiring female singers who throw themselves at him for a chance at a record deal. So she decides to move into his house to keep a closer eye on him. Her father doesn’t like the idea of her going to live with a man she’s not married to and Bernice claims it’s because she needs proper space to practice for a singing competition she’s currently in. Her father has this to say about her reasons:

Bernice’s father orders her not to leave the house but she does anyway so he promptly disowns her. She drives to Jay’s house and forcefully moves in. Jay doesn’t want this but also doesn’t want Bernice’s wahala so he just lets her go in and is like:

We’re introduced to Rhyme (Omotola Jalade Ekeinde) in the next scene when she mistakenly hits Bernice with her car. When Bernice sees that it’s Rhyme that’s hit her, she has a flashback to their days in uni when she lost a singing competition to Rhyme. She also remembers that she’s up against Rhyme in the singing competition she’s currently in. Filled with rage, she angrily accuses Rhyme of trying to kill her. Rhyme explains that it was an accident but Bernice isn’t listening. She steals Rhyme’s car and drives off grand theft auto style. Rhyme is left standing at the side of the road like:

When Jay finds out what Bernice has done, he returns Rhyme’s car to her. While talking, they exchange subtle glances that seem to say:

But nothing happens and they go their separate ways. It’s established that Rhyme is the level-headed one and Bernice is insecure and noisy. For like one hour, the movie is just a montage of Bernice and Rhyme running into each other at random places and bickering. At some point, they book the same rehearsal space and get into a physical fight over it, causing Rhyme to beat Bernice’s ass.

When two of the judges in the singing competition both girls are in start asking the contestants to sleep with them in exchange for getting ahead in the competition (threatening the ones who turn them down with elimination)…

…Bernice and Rhyme have to work together to take them down. Rhyme thinks this means that she and Bernice will finally be on good terms, but Bernice is like:

With the evil, horny competition judges vanquished, Bernice and Rhymes make it into the semi-finals and qualify for the finals. This competition’s prize money is $100,000 so you would think that a show put together by people with that kind of money would look super fancy, yeah? Well, take a look at this:

Pictured above: The venue of a singing competition with prize money of $100,000.

Jay tries to sign Rhyme to his record label and Bernice loses her entire shit when she finds out. When Jay asks Bernice why the hell she’s so pressed by Rhyme’s existence, Bernice reveals that long before Rhyme beat her in their first competition, Rhyme stole her boyfriend. We’re shown a flashback that features both actresses in two insane wigs.

Jay tells Bernice he’s sorry that happened to her but that he’s only interested in Rhyme’s talent. Upset, Bernice goes to harass Rhymes at a place that’s supposed to be a restaurant but is clearly a corner of the dining area in someone’s house.

In the next scene, Jay just shows up at Rhyme’s house and creepily demands to watch her rehearse. Rhyme is in the middle of telling him to fuck off when he grabs her face and does this:

When he’s done sucking her face, Rhyme is like:

Then Jay leaves.

Meanwhile, Bernice has been downing dozens of energy drinks to keep up with her vigorous dance rehearsals that we never see, and it eventually takes a toll on her. She keeps passing out every few minutes like Jean in the 90s X-Men cartoon. A doctor says that the energy drinks are “weakening her nerves” and that she not only needs to stop drinking them, but she also needs to abstain from strenuous activity for the next two weeks. Bernice doesn’t listen and ends up back in the hospital again a few days later. She misses the competition’s finals and Rhyme wins the $100,000.

Jay breaks into Rhyme’s house a couple of times trying to convince her to date him but each time she says no. Eventually, she caves.

And that’s all it takes for Rhyme to change her mind.

Omo, things become even more chaotic from here. Jay and Rhyme start dating even though Bernice still lives in his house. Bernice snaps and hires boys to beat Rhyme up. For some reason, Jay throws a birthday party for Bernice and Rhyme crashes it to announce that she and Jay are getting married. Jay knows nothing about this and it causes a group fight at the party. Jay keeps entertaining both women and Rhyme is furious so she decides to move into the house to “keep her eye on her man.” The movie turns into a “The Boy Is Mine” situation with Bernice and Rhyme fighting over who gets to sleep in Jay’s bedroom. Every time they fight, Jay does nothing.

Even worse, it’s made clear that he has sex with both of them at different times through all this.

During one of their fights, Jay is hit over the head with a bottle and is knocked unconscious. Rhyme hires boys to beat up Bernice. She takes the games further by tying Bernice to a chair and dropping her in the middle of the street at night. Jay gets tired of all the fighting and kicks both girls out of the house.

Yet another singing competition comes up and the girls decide that whoever wins it gets Jay. Jay has no input in this whatsoever. This new competition has a cash prize of $200,000. Please look at the stage:

While Bernice and Rhyme are battling for Jay’s heart on stage, Jay is outside exchanging saliva with some random woman.

I’m not even kidding.


RECOMMENDED: I Reviewed The Wigs In The Movie, “Swallow,” So You Don’t Have To


Check back every Friday for more So You Don’t Have To insanity.

Click here to read other entries in the So You Don’t Have To series.


Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

Watch

Now on Zikoko

December 7, 2021

Selected entries to receive exclusive Masterclass with TY Bello and George Okoro Days after innovative Smartphone manufacturer Infinix Mobility launched its Zero X Pro device in Nigeria, the tech giant today announces the start of its #ZeroXChallenge. The Zero X Challenge is an initiative to inspire boundless creativity among Nigerians and empower the youth to […]

December 7, 2021

MTN Nigeria recently announced the price of its initial public offering to retail investors.The offer which opened at 8:00am on the 1st of December 2021 will close at 5:00pm on the 14th of December 2021 with a minimum subscription of 20 shares and lots of 20 shares thereafter. At the retail offer roadshow in Enugu […]

Recommended Quizzes

April 9, 2020

At some point in life, we all learnt that someone can be very intelligent and still lack common sense. That’s the difference between being book smart and being street smart. If you’re not sure where on the spectrum you fall, well, that’s what this quiz is here to tell you. Take it:

November 28, 2019

There are so many talented and stunning Nollywood actors that make it hard not to fall in love with them. So, while we all know the likelihood of us ending up with any of them is super low, it’s still fun to imagine a world where we actually stood a chance, and that’s why this […]

November 25, 2019

We already guessed how many people you’ve slept with, and y’all were out here denying the truth. Anyway, we won’t hold that against you. This time, however, we’ve created a quiz that predicts who you’ll sleep with next — so you can either prepare or try (unsuccessfully) to prevent it. So, take and see:

November 19, 2019

Regardless of what society has tried to tell us, enjoying sex is not something to be ashamed of. So, in a bid to celebrate our generation’s sexual agency, we’ve created a quiz that will accurately (again, keep your complaints to yourself) infer how many people you’ve spelt with. Try it out: 11 Quizzes For The […]

December 5, 2019

We already tried to guess how much you have in your account and your current net worth, and we think we did a pretty great job (keep any complaints to yourself). Now, we’re going to try and guess your monthly salary based on your relationship with money. Oya, take the quiz: 11 Timed Quizzes For […]

More from So You Don't Have To

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X